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Original poster

Would you want to know

195 replies

Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 18:54

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 17:52

I’m to embarrassed to talk to anyone.

OP posts:
OnoAnotherNC · 25/03/2021 18:31

@Conneduzzled

His parents are both deceased
So he says. Convenient.
FantasticButtocks · 25/03/2021 18:48

@Conneduzzled

I’m to embarrassed to talk to anyone.

Why should you be embarrassed? He is the one who has behaved badly, not you.

He doesn't want you talking with anyone, because he will be exposed for being a liar. So he's making sure he puts the responsibility on to you for causing pain to his family, when it is in fact entirely his own responsibility. He has caused pain all round. To you and to them. But it is them and their pain, or potential pain, that seem to be his priority.

So if you're too embarrassed to talk to anyone, I expect he'll be very glad about that. Exploding when you mentioned his wife having a right to know, mm. He's showing you more and more of himself isn't he?

Very sorry OP ThanksWine

Onthedunes · 25/03/2021 19:24

For 2 years he has weaved these lies, with you.
Who knows if there are not further people involved. He kept you both in the dark, although I'm willing to bet you have slightly more information than the wife.
How long could this have gone on, him walking up the aisle with you being a bigamist?

His whole persona sounds like a fabrication, and he has robbed you of the opportunity of being or looking for someone who could love you completely.
He has completely hoodwinked you, I honestly think you should contact his wife, a duty even to woman kind to get trash like this unearthed.

He has stolen your life, do not be confused, be angry.
Find your strength and stop this man from hurting anymore unwitting women.
Especially his wife.

billy1966 · 25/03/2021 20:02

Great posts above.

Please don't be embarrassed.
That implies blame.
You have no blame.
2 years he has played you and plied you with his lies and bullshit.

He's a freak.

You are collateral damage in this shit show.
I feel so sorry for you.

Years and years ago in my pre marital life I came across this bullshit from some great guys working in my large Multinational company on mainland Europe.

It really, really isn't that unusual....depending on your professional and work background.

Where men work away from their families in highly paid professions, this bullshit is rife.
Throw in a different jurisdiction and it is almost a given.

Yes there definitely are exceptions but they are exceptions.

Working away from home is the go to IME for men in their 30's-40's who want to play away but are happy to remain married.

Sayamino · 25/03/2021 20:15

No don’t get involved any more now. Walk away & let him live with himself. Not your problem.

DaisyandIvy · 25/03/2021 20:22

I think his reaction is very telling. If he and his wife were truly separated/heading for divorce, he wouldn’t be jumping about like a toddler over this.

OP. Look after yourself, get a family member of friend to meet you for a walk tomorrow.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 23:05

Yes, I thought he would never entertain this sort of behaviour having understood the damage it could cause. We both work in similar industries with a fair amount of travel precovid so would discuss the damage some colleagues were inflicting on their families when they were away.

Never thought for a million years he was ‘the same’.

OP posts:
Lovedove · 26/03/2021 07:27

Op everything he is demanding you don’t do - do it. He is protecting himself and is very likely still a married family man. For all this people being lied to please stop it here. After you there will be another ow hoodwinked. Stop the cycle. Tell his wife. It’s the right thing to do

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 26/03/2021 14:02

I don’t know what to say to her if I’m honest. This has dragged on now for far to long

OP posts:
Lovedove · 26/03/2021 14:28

Just the truth hun

BehindMyEyes · 26/03/2021 18:02

@Conneduzzled

I don’t know what to say to her if I’m honest. This has dragged on now for far to long
Just be factual - I have been seeing x for however long now and I assumed that he was separated and divorced ( or not as may be the case ). However I have just found out recently that you are just getting your divorce now . Can you clarify the timeline for me please ?
dane8 · 26/03/2021 18:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jumpers268 · 26/03/2021 18:21

Please tell her. It's not a revenge thing against him (ark at the ego on him). My ex cheated on me. I asked the OW if anything had happened and she outright lied to me and said nothing would ever happen between them (work colleagues, oh the cliché). It went on for 3 years until I found a photo of her on his phone. I would 100% wanted to have known.

And as above, just be factual. I've been in a relationship with X for however many years. I'm not sure whether any of what he's said has been the truth but I thought you deserve to know.

YoniAndGuy · 27/03/2021 12:48

OP, he isn't divorcing her. He's just been cheating on her, simple as.

Oh there might indeed be divorce petitions flying around (or maybe he's just been busy downloading things...) but his reaction of pure terror and panic tells you everything you need to know.

He's a cheat, please tell this poor woman. You don't need to talk any more to him, and I don't know whay you are.

Yep, you don't want to because you're scared of the fallout, and it's obvious why - there's a part of you that still wants some kind of THING here - some kind of future - and you don't dare leap because it will be the end.

So you need to examine that, give your head a wobble then kill those two birds with one stone - tell her and a. possibly save her future and b. get this piece of shit out of your life and close the door on continuing to be taken for a mug. He doesn't give a shit about you, or anyone else!

Lovedove · 27/03/2021 13:09

@YoniAndGuy

OP, he isn't divorcing her. He's just been cheating on her, simple as.

Oh there might indeed be divorce petitions flying around (or maybe he's just been busy downloading things...) but his reaction of pure terror and panic tells you everything you need to know.

He's a cheat, please tell this poor woman. You don't need to talk any more to him, and I don't know whay you are.

Yep, you don't want to because you're scared of the fallout, and it's obvious why - there's a part of you that still wants some kind of THING here - some kind of future - and you don't dare leap because it will be the end.

So you need to examine that, give your head a wobble then kill those two birds with one stone - tell her and a. possibly save her future and b. get this piece of shit out of your life and close the door on continuing to be taken for a mug. He doesn't give a shit about you, or anyone else!

Spot on!
Imjustsootired · 28/03/2021 15:23

You ok OP?

JovialNickname · 28/03/2021 20:03

I would tell her. Don't let him get away with it! Assuming they are actually getting divorced now, and it's not just another crock of shit, she might be relieved to know. It might answer a lot of her questions and enable her to place the blame squarely on his shoulders, where it belongs.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 12:12

I am sorry for not coming back sooner I have been in bed with some sort of migraine for two days now.

His view: he claims they were separated had been for years, didn’t and don’t live together, all amicable but he left because of her arguments and unpredictability and lack of intimacy.

They went away for a few family occasions as the kids didn’t know what was going and it was hard to spend time with them and so on so they sometimes shared a room because of space issues and that was wrong so he’s sorry and he should have divorced sooner but covid and arguments we had caused delays. The never went away with just him and her. He has fucked up and hurt everyone himself included. He was always getting divorced.

My view: he should have told me and not gone on any holidays. He’s a lying pos and a coward for not telling her and divorcing her at that point. As for dragging out divorcing instead of doing it when they separated again he was a coward for just leaving hoping she would do it as he’s still go back for festive holidays birthdays etc. She has been angry with him for years because of the lack of intimacy but he cites the arguing and stress meant he couldn’t which was one of the reasons for the breakdown outside of her MH issues and drinking.

I didn’t want to know these details as they are nothin to do with me so my head is a mess and I can’t think straight at all. This is day three of a awful headache so I just want to go back to bed.

OP posts:
Lovedove · 29/03/2021 12:18

I think he’s still with her personally and only one way to find out. Sorry it’s making you unwell Flowers

harknesswitch · 29/03/2021 12:26

So if they were technically separated and she knows this, why is he in the least bit bothered if she knows he's been seeing you?

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 12:28

finances are agreed and he doesn’t want to start over again with the paperwork and cause more delays.

OP posts:
Tippytaps · 29/03/2021 12:35

You need to tell her, it is not a matter of splitting up the family or not (that was his choice).

This is about your health. Both you and his wife need to get checked for STDs. His wife can’t protect her health if she doesn’t know to check.

YoniAndGuy · 29/03/2021 12:47

H.E. I.S. L.Y.I.N.G.

If they've been separated for years, there isn't a problem with you telling her.

Simple as that.

He is going absolutely nutso at the thought of you telling her because he is cheating on her.

All of the above is lies.

Tell this poor woman.

gonnabeok · 29/03/2021 12:53

My ex's affair partner and I swapped information by text although I never did want to speak to her in person but some of the lies he told were shocking to string both of us along.I''m glad I got to hear them. She ended it and so did I, but I did make it clear that once we told each other everything we would end any contact with each other.