Would you want to know

[Conneduzzled]

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

I would 100% want to know. Definitely.

It's hideous to know something like that and not tell one of the people involved.

@SooMoony

Walk away.

Don't chuck a grenade into his family's life, tempting though it may seem.

Block him on every social media platform and don't beat yourself up about falling for his lies.

He threw the Granada. I would tell the spouse in a short and simple way. She may or may not be interested, but God only knows how he fs with her head. Then carry in and without him. Head held high and so sorry you have to go through this. What a louse.

Tell her. I would certainly want to know.

It isn't a case of revenge at all, just about doing the decent thing all round. He is hoping you won't say anything but why should any partner be lied to and not know?

You won't walk away with your head held high, you would walk away letting him get away with it (and likely to do it all again with someone else) and leaving someone else in the dark who really deserves the full facts of what has been going on.

I suspect the reason all this has suddenly come out and he’s begging you not to tell her is because she has become suspicious and is putting the feelers out there to see if she’s right.

I would tell her. No question.

If they’re separated then there’s no reason she doesn’t need to know.

I would also tell her that you’ve ended the relationship.

How was the relationship between you? Did he stay over and if so when and how? Did he meet your kids? Were there times when you couldn’t call him or when he didn’t answer?

This is so tricky.
You could provide answers to the wife for his behaviour for the 2 years. Maybe she has been wondering if she is going mad with things not adding up and his explanations being almost plausible.
Or she has been blissfully unaware for 2 years! Clueless and ignorant. Thinking the marriage has just run out of oomph and accepting it is over.

Shining a light on his deception would send shock waves. Not your fault!
No doubt you would end up being blamed and labelled.

Perhaps as, in this case, they are divorcing you should say nothing.
If he had been living as a husband my advice would have been different.
Try to think of it as you dodged a bullet.

I would tell as believe in 90s Spice Girl style “girl power” and would let the spouse know for sure.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

It sounds like they aren’t actually separated & he has likely been stringing her along & still having a marital relationship.

This is the cheater’s script he is giving you. Advise to cut communications with him, unless it’s to get him to make admissions over time stamped texts that you can have as proof.

Cut all contact with him now, as it sounds like you’re still communicating. Show him you’re not afraid of being alone & actually would prefer that than living a lie - this subtly shows you’re a better person than him & you will have your self respect intact.

Don’t give him even the outlet of speaking with you. He has lost this right to be in your world.

Am sorry this happened to you.

I would tell her.
Include as much evidence as you can, leave your number at the bottom if she wants to talk and try and be there for her.

Please don’t walk away and not tell her. You haven’t dropped a bomb on her, he has. He sounds absolutely pathetic.

If he’s not with you he’d certainly find someone else.

@Fieldsofstars I agree, it’s less like dropping a bomb & more an angel coming to shed light on everything which hasn’t added up or made sense to this poor woman for years.

He has likely been pulling shit about how he works away a lot, or has issues about needing to find himself & that is why he has been able to disengage with the family unit

But it’s highly likely that his wife had been struggling for years now with a sense that she doesn’t understand the full story & that his story doesn’t add up

It is better to live with the truth than live a lie.

There are people who can tell someone out of spite or malice, hoping that the wife will then kick the husband to the curb & leaving him to now need the OW. Or he may have told the Ow he will never leave his wife & she is lashing out to hurt him.

That’s not what this is about. If your conscience is telling you to reach out & give her the heads up then your intentions are good & your heart is in the right place.

If he is indeed divorcing, you need to see enough documents to satisfy yourself that it is true.

When I was splitting up with my ex , I deliberately didn't date anyone until everything was arranged because i didn't want to risk anyone thinking that I was leaving him for another man. But had I been seeing someone, I would have tried to keep it a secret because it would have made everything harder.

But if he can't supply your with evidence of his divorce then he is indeed lying and I think you should tell your wife. I wish my friend had told me when an ex had tried it on with her because he went on to have at least one affair and continuing with him impacted my career and finance. I would have been devastated at the time because I was pregnant, but the decisions I made because I didn't know had big repercussions on my life for many years.

I don’t want to hurt anyone if and I am probably reaching what he says is true and he’s not had any kind of marriage set up and has just been living a solitary life. I must be honest I am struggling to believe that as he has lied so much and so easily that’s the scary bit. The ease of all of it for him.

Just want to clear something up he moved out years before I met him. This is know you be true. If that even makes a difference at this point, what doesn’t add of course is why he never told her and why he is only divorcing now. She isn’t shocked by the divorce as they spoke about it from when he moved out and now he is actually doing it. I know also he did say he had never met anyone in the years during the separation he feel enough towards so actually bother to divorce but apparently he did have other girlfriends. Obviously kept those secret from her too. I know, he’s a liar so nothing he says is true.

He wanted to start over with me apparently but I can’t understand how he could have done that if he was still married. I feel very stupid for all of this.

I hate this situation and no as someone asked I can’t stand the apologising it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I am feeling very low this morning which is annoying as he doesn’t deserve any emotion because he is a selfish arse.

And I did end it btw and he just became more adamant he has finalised it all and doesn’t understand why I did end it as it will be done soon. I am hurt and very angry of course but I don’t want revenge as I feel sorry for his wife because of who she is married to. I am confused.

Just to clarify, have you only just found out about his marriage? Or is it that you thought he was divorced but have found out the divorce hasn’t gone through yet? Or that you knew he was separated but have found out that he’s more involved with his ex than you knew? Or that you suspect they’re still together?

Did he tell you he was divorced or separated? As separated means still married legally but not in a relationship. Do you think he's still in a relationship with her?

Found out the divorce never went through and also that he was far far more involved. I knew he had been previously married years ago but he was very clear he was a free agent and had very little contact. This has proven to not be the case and I have no idea he anything he has said to me is true now because of recent discoveries. I said if he doesn’t tell her I will and that’s when it all came out about how it would blow up everyone’s lives, which means he’s lied about actually not being together with her.

Ask him to send you evidence of the divorce being in progress.

I will but why would he not just tell her at the beginning unless he’s lied to me all the way through. Which he has and I don’t understand why.

“The divorce never went through”

What does that mean exactly?

That papers were never filed / lodged incorrectly? If so by which party ?

That mediation failed? Again, which side here?

A divorce doesn’t just “fail” - what’s the story behind here?

For a divorce a fail, doesn’t that mean that a marriage has pulled through? Are they playing a facade for this kids?

Either way he prioritises his wife’s feelings so this doesn’t speak to someone who is truly emotionally separated.

Either they are still enmeshed & emotionally entagled & he is lying to himself or he is living a double life & lying to the both of you while having his cake + eating it too.

No I disagree
Do not ask him to send evidence or his divorce
You know he is lying
You must feel it in your bones
Stop contacting him
You are prolonging the hurt & every day you spend talking to him
Is a day you could have spent for yourself or making space in your life for someone new

Someone who isn’t full of utter bullshit

I’m really confused.....

It sounds like he’s separated from his wife, been living separately for years, but due to her poor mental health he still supports her.

You’ve now found out that he still sees her and supports her and that’s actually what’s made you cross?

And that he’s not officially divorced - did he ever tell you he was?

@Conneduzzled

I will but why would he not just tell her at the beginning unless he’s lied to me all the way through. Which he has and I don’t understand why.

He might have a multitude of reasons not to tell her..... to be honest that’s actually very controlling of you to try and force him to tell his ex wife with mental health problems!!

Hold on, I never asked him to tell her anything, I found out he lied about everything quite recently so how can I even believe that is true. He’s admitted he has lied.

Sounds like my Exh. He spouted all that shite to his mistress until she eventually snooped found the truth and told me.
I kicked him out and lo and behold three years later she's back with the cheating bastard who broke my heart so much that she had to tell me (his. Poor wife who deserved to know 🙄).
I actually feel sorry for her.
If you really didn't know, op, stay strong. He WILL be back to try to manipulate you.

I would definitely want to know if this was my husband so I could divorce the scumbag. I would hate this to be going on behind my back - I'd feel like such a fool.

Yes he was apparently divorced. I am too so great let’s carry on. I then found out his decree absolute was never issued and I’ve not got an explanation other than vague notions about its complicated and in process now at that point all these revelations came to light as I had moments during the past 2 years where I suspected things and stories didn’t always add up but I ignored them because I chose To trust him.

I would love to be wrong here believe me but there are so many inconsistencies it’s impossible to know what is true and what is a lie.

I would tell all.

Write to her and tell her you have been dating for two years and just found out about her.

You could print out all the emails and include them.

I would tell her all the things he has said about them, ie her being mentally ill, he was going through divorce, separated etc

Set up a separate email address if she wants to speak to you.

My guess, she is "happily married" He works away and she has no idea about any of this.