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Original poster

Would you want to know

195 replies

Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 18:54

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 09:05

If I had any idea what was going on I would have run a mile. I don’t want some poor woman’s cheating husband thank you very much! I have far more self respect than that and what does it tell my own dc about me if I did that. I’m now angry again. Ffs. I was cheated on for years so would never do it to someone else’s wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 09:07

@Outbutnotoutout yes that’s where my head is at too I obviously want to be wrong and believe him but that’s just weak and makes me as bad as him to go down that route.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 20/03/2021 09:13

He has lied about it
She is blissfully unaware
You have been duped

Unsure33 · 20/03/2021 09:15

All of this is very confusing . They have not lived together for years . They are separated. But just the divorce has not gone through.

But for some reason he was not allowed to have a partner while all the legal stuff was going through.

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ it’s all just a bit odd .

RUOKHon · 20/03/2021 09:16

I would tell her.

I always think the wife should be told in these situations.

If you don’t tell her, then it’s like you’re colluding with him in the lie even after you’ve stopped sleeping with him. So it’s kind of like you’re shitting on her twice.

Also, in all my years on here I have never seen someone in the wife’s position say that they would have preferred not to know. No one in their right mind would genuinely prefer not too now that they were being systematically lied to and gaslighted. Sure, they might prefer not to have to deal with how the revelation makes them feel, but that’s the flip side of being given agency in your own life. Let the woman have some agency at least.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 09:18

Unsure 33 yes you got it right there and said it how I have been trying to. I am just so confused as it makes no sense to me either

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/03/2021 09:31

I would tell her because I'd want to know if it was me.
The woe is me spiel wouldn't even be an issue because he has created this. Not you.

FantasticButtocks · 20/03/2021 09:34

So your relationship has been going on for two years and as far as you knew, he was actually divorced. Not just separated. But now it turns out that their divorce is nearly final?

So, have you had a normal time (apart from the past year covid restrictions) socially? Met each other's friends and family?

Because if your relationship hasn't been hidden, and you haven't been conducting it secretly, then how has this already not filtered through to his wife I wonder?

His version is not making sense. Something is still not adding up is it?

So sorry you're going through this. It's shit. Thanks

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 09:46

The only thing I can think of is that his family are in another city. I’ve met some friends but not all of course both our social circles are small and we don’t go out much ( through choice both homebodies) but yes other than that a normal boring ‘relationship’ and I agree I still feel something doesn’t add up.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 20/03/2021 10:12

She may be oblivious to the so called separation and he just works away.

Like we've seen on so many threads over the years, where OP believes her faithful husband works in another city but is back EOW. And provides some money.
Then she discovers the 2nd family / OW / OM etc

BehindMyEyes · 20/03/2021 11:51

How did you discover he was married ? Did he tell you ?

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 13:55

He told me. Guilty conscience maybe. Unless she guessed something. I don’t know.

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 20/03/2021 14:15

You've been with someone who is married for 2 years?!

I think you may need some help yourself.

Yes of course tell the wife.

FantasticButtocks · 20/03/2021 14:39

@Conneduzzled
I’ve met some friends but not all of course

I guess if he'd still actually been with his wife, his friends that you've met would be raising an eyebrow at least though, at him carrying on openly with an OW. So if all is ok and they were in fact apart, but just not divorced yet, why did he feel the need to lie to you, that's the question.

Onthedunes · 20/03/2021 17:13

Do you see him every night.?
You say he travels with his job, so not every evening. Some of your responses are difficult to guage and this makes the thread confusing.

I honestly think you need to speak to his wife, only then are you going to get some answers and the truth, both of you.

Have you got her number.?
Call her and clear this up once and for all

It sounds as though you are dating Walter Mitty.

willibald · 20/03/2021 17:14

I'd always want to know.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 17:24

Yes sporadic travel which isn’t unusual. No not every evening as we don’t live together but most weekends and a couple of nights during the week.

I don’t know her number and she is a couple of hours drive at least so can’t turn up and really would feel comfortable doing that either. I’m a coward I suppose.

I’m in a horrible situation along with her and feel very torn and stuck.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 20/03/2021 18:56

I would want to know but not from the OW. Because it would be coming from a place where OW was just telling me for herself, to make her feel better, not for me or my children. Don’t kid yourself that you’re doing it to help her. It’s mostly about helping you get some sort of revenge. Which is fine, but own it for what it is.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 19:13

@Livelovebehappy yes, this has been my fear all along - I don’t want to be that person. I also agree that I would want to know but I don’t want to do it for the wrong reasons

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 20/03/2021 19:37

But at the present moment you do not know if you are the ow or not.
He appears separated, he lied about actually being divorced, you know that but he still maybe a free agent as he is separated.

But what you are saying is you are not sure he is separated.

Is she not on facebook or social media.?
Have you actually looked him up on the electorial list, his main residence ?

You have dated for 2 years, you are entitled to contact his wife and find out the situation.

Sorehandsandfeet · 20/03/2021 19:41

My money is on his wife believing that he works away. Have you spoken to any family? Are his friends that you've met from 'their' city? Childhood friends? Or work friends?
If they have been separated for years I don't think he would be that panicked. Have you seen any divorce paperwork? Emails from solicitors? Have you ever spoken to his grown up children? I'm sure if they were mature enough and their parents were separated for years, they would be eager to meet you. Or is there mental health problematic too?

Onthedunes · 20/03/2021 19:48

@Sorehandsandfeet I agree.

Also are you sure his wife is in another city, along with his friends and family.
It sounds as though you know nothing about this man.

AliceMcK · 20/03/2021 19:52

I havnt read through all the thread, but what I have seen it sounds like he is desperate for you not to say anything during the divorce because he has something to loose.

I don’t think you would be vengeful or spiteful to tell her the truth. You yourself have been there. I’ve been lied to, I hate hate hate being lied to. If this was me, I would want to definitely know. How can you believe he is trying to protect her given all his lies, and if the divorce is almost finalised, would she be really that devastated, mmm maybe, but at least she knows the truth.

I would definitely email her. Say your sorry you have just found out your partner of 2 years has been lying to you and is in fact her husband, you believed they were separated and going through a divorce but you now understand that to be untrue.

Your sorry, had you known you would never have started a relationship with him. You feel she has a right to know. If she wants further information you will answer her questions but if she dosnt you won’t bother her again,

Then the balls in her court.

Osirus · 21/03/2021 00:48

@Unsure33

All of this is very confusing . They have not lived together for years . They are separated. But just the divorce has not gone through.

But for some reason he was not allowed to have a partner while all the legal stuff was going through.

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ it’s all just a bit odd .

This.

I actually don’t see what he’s done wrong. Lots of separated persons see other people before getting divorced. What’s the issue?

Anordinarymum · 21/03/2021 01:09

When I met my bloke he had been living alone for years. His wife had moved in with her mother, and had control of the bank account. She did not work and never had done. The marriage was dead in the water, but she left him alone and he paid the bills.

He also paid all the bills at her mother's but because he did not manage the money he had no idea of the extent of her spending until they finally split.
He earned a good salary but there was nothing left and no explanation as to how she spent thousands of pounds over the years. Nothing to show for all his years of work.
After years of being alone he met me by chance and told me he was single.
I saw him three times before he told me the truth.

I met his family and his parents. They told me how pleased they were to see him finally happy. This is how I knew for sure he was telling the truth.

If you have been seeing the guy for two years why did you never meet his mum and dad ? This would have been a red flag for me