Would you want to know

[Conneduzzled]

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

If they’d truly been separated and heading towards divorce for 2 years then he could have told his wife about you. But he has concealed it. That’s all I’d need to know.

In your shoes, I think I’d send one final message advising him to tell his wife about you. Then I would cut all communication with him. I wouldn’t want or need to hear anymore. You deserve better and you deserve peace and some time to recover.

I think I’m
Hesitant as technically it is an affair but if they are actually separated it would cause unnecessary pain and the divorce will become more difficult. That’s his version of course. Sounds too easy obviously and I say that because he lied.

They’ve been separated for longer but yes I don’t know why he lied to her because that means it’s was just a sorry cliched affair doesn’t it. This is where he professes his undying once in a lifetime love and ‘it wasn’t like that’ nonsense.

@Conneduzzled

His parents are both deceased

Ok then... what about brothers/sisters?

He has a brothers and no I’ve not met them as they live abroad. He has managed to compartmentalise everything. I never really gave this much thought until now I just accepted that’s the way it was.

Conneduzzled:

I’m just going to walk away I don’t want to be involved in any of it any more.
.........

Good, you are absolutely correct to take that attitude and to act on it.

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. What a nightmare. However, you are not an idiot, he was extremely plausible and you had no reason to disbelieve him.

Better things - and far better men - are ahead of you when you are ready.

Only time ill sooth a broken heart but it will happen, I promise.

All the very best for the future.

Yeah. me too. Good luck.

Those are all the things cheaters say, OP.

Should you tell his wife? I have been in the wife’s shoes and, yes. I would have wanted to know. H left me for OW. I suspected something was amiss. Knowing for sure would have confirmed what my gut was telling me but that I kept sweeping aside.

Email her once you’ve gathered your thoughts and had a few days to let the dust settle. You need a few days to process all this and to start seeking some peace right now.

Good luck OP. Be kind to yourself.

@Conneduzzled

I think I’m Hesitant as technically it is an affair but if they are actually separated it would cause unnecessary pain and the divorce will become more difficult. That’s his version of course. Sounds too easy obviously and I say that because he lied.

Hang on. You've been there yourself.

You know it's not 'uneccessary pain'.

It's essential, key information on what kind of a shit this poor woman is dealing with. Information you can choose to arm her with, or not.

If I were about to go through a divorce and fight for my rights and finances, I would be very, very grateful to be told that the quite possibly butter wouldn't melt, puppy-dog eyes DH I was dealing with was actually a calculating, cold-hearted liar who had been doing me over for a long time.

And you don't even actually know by your own knowledge that it's even the case - for all you know those so-called divorce papers could date from a point way before now. She could be under the impression they are 'working on things'.

The core point is that there's a woman out there who thinks she is involved with a certain person - and she isn't, she's being, or has been, conned completely - and right now this could be directly affecting vital decisions she's making on her future - finances, home, childcare, everything.

Tell her. You said you were glad to know - she will be, too.

How many people who are sleeping in the same bed are divorcing? How many divorcing people lie about having seen someone else for 2 years and hide it away. I really doubt they are divorcing.
Please tell her because she needs to have full information to act and she’s being deceived whatever the circumstances

I wanted to leave but she was mentally ill. That little gem

Definitely full house on infidelity bingo.

I'd tell her.

Three choices:

1. Walk away entirely but never be sure of the truth
2. Stay and accept his verion but never be sure of the truth
3. Ask his wife and know the truth.

You wouldn't be causing unneccessary pain. This is the outcome of his actions and lies. He has caused the pain.

If they are separated as he says, with no romantic attachment, there won't be any problem in her telling you that.

Agree with @YoniAndGuy, you are not protecting her, nor has she asked you to protect her.

She is an adult.
Respect for her as another human being would ensure that I would tell her the truth.

Respect for the truth.
Men and women invariably want the truth.

There is no greater grief than finding out you were lied to and taken for a complete MUG by someone you were married to.

Marriages fail and people divorce.

Finding out that you have been lied to whilst he has led a separate life and telling the OW that you have MH issues, must be beyond devastating....but I would want to know the truth.

I believe most people want the truth about their lives.
However painful.

I'm sorry OP, I read your thread earlier and thought you had your head screwed on and were perfectly aware that he's a sleazy, lying little cheat reading straight off the tedious old script. And that you wouldn't touch him again with a bargepole.

In your more recent posts you seem to be unsure and to think there might be some chance he's telling the truth. There really isn't. You are more intelligent than this.

If i was so smart I wouldn’t have goy involved with a married man :(

I am starting to come unravelled now. Please talk me down. Fuck.

I mean my god I am desperate for the truth. Even now what the fuck is wrong with me :(

Me ex did just this:

Finding out that you have been lied to whilst he has led a separate life and telling the OW that you have MH issues, must be beyond devastating....but I would want to know the truth.

I found condoms in the bedroom and he still denied it

He still has a hold over me which is making it even worse, like we in this together how messed up is that

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Normally I'm all for telling the wife. I think people deserve to know the truth & to make their decisions themselves

However, given they separated years & years ago & you don't know how her mental health actually is, I think I'd leave it. I'd be more worried about damaging her mental health/stability (on the off chance it's true).

If he contacted me again, I'd give him ONE opportunity to come & tell me everything AND answer ANY questions I have, then take it from there

People can have very complicated lives.
People can also be massive liars.

Difficulty is telling which is which, but you can't always assume the worst in everyone.

She was self harming apparently and sectioned. I should of course NOT know this under any circumstances.

In my case my ex made it up and told everyone I was unstable and abusive to him as I had severe post natal depression as he was actually abusing me and was an alcoholic, losing jobs because of it and hiding it he was also sleeping around. On the outside he was the typical city career success story. Little did anyone know.

I posted under a different username years ago and everyone was right although I couldn’t see it at the time.

I’ve never had MH issues before or since he left. They disappeared overnight.

I’ve always had good self esteem well I thought so and was in such a great place when I met my ‘DP’, can’t even call him that now.

Get thee to therapy sounds like next steps.

Of course I want to believe it’s just a complicated situation and I should try and be understanding. He could also be absolutely not who he made himself out to be.

@Conneduzzled

I mean my god I am desperate for the truth. Even now what the fuck is wrong with me :(

There’s nothing wrong with you. We can only make decisions on the information we have at the time. He’s had 2 years to mention he was married.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, OP.

I don't believe this is your fault.
You went into this in good faith.

Blaming yourself for someone deliberately lying to you for 2 years will solve NOTHING.

This is all on him.

The thing is though, you know your husband lied about you, so there is absolutely no reason to believe he is also not lying about his wife's MH.

He has lied and lied and lied to you.

I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth.

My ex had an affair and told the OW all sorts! We were sleeping separately(rubbish), only together for the kids (rubbish), were not on holiday together (absolute rubbish)!!! They will say anything to get in your pants. Tell him you are contacting her to see how much of what he said is true! I bet 0%!

I said she had a right to know and he exploded. What a fucking unmitigated mess. His kids would be hurt and that’s my fault she would be hurt that is unnecessary, why cause the pain when I don’t have to. My family would be viewed negatively in the community. He’s sorry, it wasn’t his fault he’s hoped he could end it and move on with a clean break. And so on. Ive got it wrong and on it goes.

I’m devastated now. I’ve also had wines as my DC are at their dads. I don’t drink usually especially in a bloody week day let alone day. I’ve had years of calm and this has just blown my world apart.

I hate any disruption let alone a scenario of this magnitude and I must admit I’m having a bad afternoon.

Even with my ex I wasn’t this affected to this extent which sounds odd as we have DC together I just walked away and licked my wounds if that sounds odd.

He wants to work through this. Wtf.

"My family would be viewed negatively in the community".
🤬

Lying fxxk.
So he's threatening you now.

NOW he is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

He's a liar who is so afraid.

You need to tell HIM firmly that HE is the one who is going to be viewed negatively.....

Conducting a relationship for two years in another city.
Introducing you to people.
Conducting a double life.

You need to be very clear.
Tell him if he makes another threat to you, YOU will involve the police, his wife's local police force.

Piece of shit.
Easy on the vino, it will only make you feel worse, but I can definitely understand you wanting one.
Have you any friend to contact to have a chat with?

Any subsequent upset and hurt is solely his fault. He's lied his way in to this selfish mess taking you in with him.
His wife deserves to know the truth however awful that will be for her. Far better for her to know the truth than live with such a liar. She deserves to have some happiness and rebuild her future as you do. Fuck him and what he wants, let him have it with both barrels.