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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you want to know

195 replies

Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 18:54

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
londonscalling · 21/03/2021 03:19

Don't tell her but ask her. Ask what the situation is between them and say you knew nothing of her!

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 21/03/2021 21:58

So it all came to a head today. Massive drip feed on his part for some reason. He’s been lying all along, he goes back to visit her and the DC and act like normal family and sleep in the marital bed but apparently no sex and it’s been like that for years. As if that’s the case. I’m not even angry anymore. He is getting divorced that much is certain as I’ve seen some correspondence. It’s the part about sleeping in the same bed but no sex which is pissing me off because there is no reason for him to still continue to lie now. The thought of that makes me cringe.

I’m just going to walk away I don’t want to be involved in any of it any more.

Thank you to all of you who helped me realise what a shitbag I’ve entangled myself with. Hope she does divorce the liar and gets what she deserves.

Still don’t understand why he introduced me to his friends but I think they are friends from our city as he works here and his family live a couple of hours drive and rarely visit. I also found that out too, their visits.

Bloody hell, I’m so stupid. Got the whole spiel, I’d do anything for you, I’ve never loved anyone like i live you. We can get through this, I don’t love her. He refuses to give me any details but instead said it doesn’t matter we can draw a line under all of it and must look to the future and be there for each other. He actually got angry with me for asking.

OP posts:
Loopyloututu2 · 21/03/2021 22:02

Tell her - it’s not about revenge - it’s about uncovering his deceit which she will likely never find out about otherwise so that she has options too. He’s probably spinning her an absolute yarn as well.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 21/03/2021 22:20

Why do I feel like he’s been cheating on me, that’s the strangest thing be he’s been cheating with me! Makes no sense to feel like this.

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 22/03/2021 11:20

@Conneduzzled

So it all came to a head today. Massive drip feed on his part for some reason. He’s been lying all along, he goes back to visit her and the DC and act like normal family and sleep in the marital bed but apparently no sex and it’s been like that for years. As if that’s the case. I’m not even angry anymore. He is getting divorced that much is certain as I’ve seen some correspondence. It’s the part about sleeping in the same bed but no sex which is pissing me off because there is no reason for him to still continue to lie now. The thought of that makes me cringe.

I’m just going to walk away I don’t want to be involved in any of it any more.

Thank you to all of you who helped me realise what a shitbag I’ve entangled myself with. Hope she does divorce the liar and gets what she deserves.

Still don’t understand why he introduced me to his friends but I think they are friends from our city as he works here and his family live a couple of hours drive and rarely visit. I also found that out too, their visits.

Bloody hell, I’m so stupid. Got the whole spiel, I’d do anything for you, I’ve never loved anyone like i live you. We can get through this, I don’t love her. He refuses to give me any details but instead said it doesn’t matter we can draw a line under all of it and must look to the future and be there for each other. He actually got angry with me for asking.

Yeah sleeping in the same bed and not having sex .... 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Outbutnotoutout · 24/03/2021 21:44

TBF I lived in the same bed as my husband and we didn't have sex for 2yrs, then split, so it does happen

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 09:01

Yes but you weren’t I am sure going on family holidays after that let alone the same bed! I am still in shock.

I’ve not had any contact for a couple of days and feeling stronger. Sadder but stronger. I had a message explaining it wasn’t what I thought but really it is isn’t it. Beyond that nothing so that’s good as I can’t leave it as it is and walk away from his mess.

No contact is hard of course as it was a long time not a huge amount but long enough to become very attached.

OP posts:
PussGirl · 25/03/2021 09:33

WTF do his family think? That he's been working away?

EpochTime · 25/03/2021 09:47

@Conneduzzled

Yes but you weren’t I am sure going on family holidays after that let alone the same bed! I am still in shock.

I’ve not had any contact for a couple of days and feeling stronger. Sadder but stronger. I had a message explaining it wasn’t what I thought but really it is isn’t it. Beyond that nothing so that’s good as I can’t leave it as it is and walk away from his mess.

No contact is hard of course as it was a long time not a huge amount but long enough to become very attached.

If it wasn't what I thought it was then what is his explanation?
billy1966 · 25/03/2021 10:20

OP,

I feel very sorry for you....and his poor wife.

What a fxxker.

She is at home, carrying the load with his children, whilst he has a second family situation with you.

You have every right to be furious and to feel betrayed.

I absolutely think the right thing to do is tell his wife.

A dishonest fxxker like him is the type to have secret bank accounts.

2 years he has been lying and telling you she has mental health problems.

I would want to know.

I understand that you are hurt and upset, with every right to be but I really think his poor wife needs the full facts as to the complete piece of shit she was married to.

It takes a certain type of person to maintain that type of duplicity.

Have you any photos of being on holidays with him, with your children?

Send her those as proof but also to tell her how furious you are that your children have been dragged i to this.

At this stage ALL he cares about truly is getting away with his lies and false reputation.

His wife and family need to know the truth.

Flowers
Marineboy67 · 25/03/2021 10:25

Block his number and delete him off your messaging apps. Everyday away from him you'll become stronger. Lockdown will slowly be easing & we can all get out and about a bit more. Hopefully you'll meet someone who is available and not be lied to and pissed around.

DropDTuning · 25/03/2021 10:32

Normally with these threads it's clear that revenge is the motive but you are in a very different situation. It's obvious that he has totally fucked you over, as well as his wife, and that you are a decent person caught in a really shit situation through no fault of your own.

In her position, I would want to know. It's not like you are hoping he will leave her for you, is it?! Sounds like you can see right through him for the piece of shit he is.

joysmoy66 · 25/03/2021 10:33

My husband told the other woman we weren't having sex and he didn't even touch me anymore. We were having sex the whole time. I'd want to know and I would tell her.

DropDTuning · 25/03/2021 10:34

P.S. Having said that - I see you doubt your own motives and you're not sure why you would be doing it - and that you're still slightly giving him the benefit of the doubt. In that case, I would not do it.

Don't do it for the wrong reasons.

Candyfloss99 · 25/03/2021 10:37

Of course you should tell, he's probably been gaslighting her for years, this will probably be a huge relief to her.

Lovedove · 25/03/2021 10:51

I would definitely want to know. You should definitely tell her. Is she on social media - you could Facebook messenger her? It’s not the ideal route but I think every woman needs to know this stuff. He has definitely been sleeping with her. Who knows if the divorce stuff you even saw was real if he can lie this long etc

Lovedove · 25/03/2021 10:52

My worry is he will do this again to her and also to another unsuspecting woman if you don’t message her

Anordinarymum · 25/03/2021 10:57

Of course you must tell his wife. She has been duped and cheated on too and deserves to know what a lying shit he is.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 11:05

They’ve only shared the same space when they have been away with the DC as he maintains they are separated but let things drag on. And because there is no attraction (part of why it ended many years ago) he says he told himself it was ok but is ‘mortified’ about what he’s done. I don’t know what to believe anymore. He had said he doesn’t stay with them when he goes back to see his dc. They are in the family home but he stays with his family etc and they are just used to this now as he is away most of the time. Very mixed messages!

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 25/03/2021 11:08

You never answered my question about his parents. Have you ever met them OP

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 11:11

She knows they are separated (apparently) but they’ve never discussed other partners and just kept the status quo for various reasons but it’s no longer a marriage as he moved away for work the reason being the marriage was over so he took a job in a new city after the DS left primary school so a long time ago now. If this is even believable but this is his explanation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 11:12

His parents are both deceased

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 25/03/2021 11:12

You have two choices here @Conneduzzled - you find out the truth for your own sanity or you walk away from it now .

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 25/03/2021 11:16

User name should be connedfuzzled. Bloody hell
How do I find out the truth? I don’t want to get involved anymore than I have. If I walk away and I am wrong then that would be a mistake. I’ve never been in a predicament like this before so a little baffled as to what is right.

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 25/03/2021 11:18

You contact his wife and find out the truth .