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Original poster

Would you want to know

195 replies

Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 18:54

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 20:38

I don’t even know where to start with what to say. Oh hi I’ve been shagging your husband for 2 years, AMA ...fucking hell.

I have asked him so many questions which he ignores so I know what it’s like to second guess. He still maintains he was faithful to me. Oh the irony.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 19/03/2021 20:40

...could you send her the link to this thread?

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 20:46

Or a couple of emails.
Why do I want answers from him, I just want to tell him to fuck off and forget he exists but then his story is so messy it makes my head hurt and I want the truth. He can’t offer that of course as he’s a liar. I’m so embarrassed I’ve been duped. He’s reduced me into an OW what a cliche

OP posts:
PamDemic · 19/03/2021 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 21:03

Not revenge I’m not vengeful, my ex cheated and I had suspicions for years, I would have preferred to be told and not find out how I did. I think I want her to know so if she decides to divorce him she has all the facts. I think. Although I forget apparently they are divorcing. Bloody fucking hell. He is still sticking to ‘ I haven’t slept with her in all the years since I moved out’.

I think I still don’t want to be the one to drop a bomb in their marriage but then he will be accountable to someone for his actions. Maybe.

I think walking away in a dignified silence is probably the best course of action. I can’t cope with the sheer cuntery of it all. Again I’m so sorry for all the swearing I don’t usually.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 19/03/2021 21:36

Yes I would absolutely want to know.
I would want to make an informed decision about whether I stay in a relationship with him or not.

And if I was in your position, and didn't tell, I would always wonder if I should have done. I'd feel guilty that I didn't.

So just do it. Then you can move on.

I'd probably do it in person. As in turn up and explain. But a phone call would be sufficient. I probably wouldn't email incase he deletes it.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 22:49

Impossible to call / turn up in person. I need to either write to her or to forward emails between her husband and I.

I am literally about to explode with rage. He’s so dismissive of it all. Cunt, absolute cunt.

I need a hand hold. Which pisses me off too as he doesn’t actually deserve any emotion from me.

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 19/03/2021 22:57

Is tell her op.

cosmicbabe · 19/03/2021 23:00

He didn't care about the hurt it would cause for the last 2 years he's been enjoying himself!!!

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 23:11

He’s desperate for me not to tell her, I’m speechless at how desperate he sounds. He’s been telling me his undying love for me will prevail and he will do anything for me but please don’t tell her because of the pain it will cause her?!?!?! Do these type of men even exist? Wtf I’m actually blown away at what is happening in my life at the moment. I’ve never experienced this level of fuckery before and my ex cheated on me for 7 years so that says a lot.

I guess I am scared to tell her as I am in the wrong for sleeping with her husband. I just don’t know what to say. He claims the divorce will be done in a few weeks so at this position my I would be hurting everyone unnecessarily. What about me! That sounds selfish but he is still expecting me to protect him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2021 23:15

I would not be complicit in this massive betrayal. He's wanting you to be his accomplice. I couldn't live with that.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 19/03/2021 23:36

How could you let him get away with this? I always feel as though people who don't tell become complicit. The mans narrative is always to dismiss women as mad or unstable. Don't let him do that to her - gift her the power to make her own decision. It's not taking the high road if you don't tell her as he will do it again and possibly continue to risk her health.

CodMouth · 19/03/2021 23:37

He’s probably not even divorcing her.

He’s lied to you for two years. The man is a liar.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2021 23:54

Whatever you do, STOP engaging with him! No more chats, block him on everything and think about what YOU want to do. No discussions - it's not his decision. You get to decide what you do. You may decide to simply disengage from the whole situation - you need to do what's right for you.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 00:05

I want to believe him of course but it’s impossible as he’s completely contradictory ajd the very fact he says he’s was separated but she can’t know it’s the sticking point. The line about the divorce is now about to go through is what’s made me so angry and I am sure he’s still lying.

We had issues a while back where he accused me of cheating. I realise now why.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2021 00:14

Are you still speaking to him now? If so, why?

Stop. Give yourself space to think about what you want to do next.

You are still letting him control the narrative to an extent because he's occupying your headspace and dominating the conversation.

Stop talking to him completely and focus on you.

SecretOfChange · 20/03/2021 00:17

I'm going through a divorce now and to me it seems most likely that he's just shitting himself that if this new information becomes known, his financial settlement may have to be re-negotiated all over again and his amicable divorce will quickly turn into a nuclear war. In financial settlement you have to explicitly declare any new relationships and I suspect he put there that he is not involved with anyone new, to keep things simple. Of course the opposite might be true also, but the former scenario is just as believable as the latter.

2 years separation and still not having a finalised divorce is not unusual. It's also possible to be separated and not have anything to do with your ex during the whole period of separation, particularly if they don't live together.

SecretOfChange · 20/03/2021 00:20

Sorry, one of the sentences is in the wrong place and it makes no sense. Here's what I was meant to say:

I'm going through a divorce now and to me it seems most likely that he's just shitting himself that if this new information becomes known, his financial settlement may have to be re-negotiated all over again and his amicable divorce will quickly turn into a nuclear war. In financial settlement you have to explicitly declare any new relationships and I suspect he put there that he is not involved with anyone new, to keep things simple.

2 years separation and still not having a finalised divorce is not unusual. It's also possible to be separated and not have anything to do with your ex during the whole period of separation, particularly if they don't live together. Of course the opposite might be true also, but the former scenario is just as believable as the latter.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 00:24

He’s not taking that angle though he’s very clearly stating and disclosure will cause pain and I shouldn’t lash out and others to punish him. He has briefly mentioned things are in the process of being finalising but the emotional guilt trips are his focus.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2021 00:28

OP sorry to repeat myself but why are you still talking to him?!

You need space, you're not able to step back and make a decision about what to do next because he's so present and so intense.

Stop talking to him and think about how you want to move on.

TedMullins · 20/03/2021 00:30

Fuck him. Block him on everything and tell his wife (as politely as possible). I would want to know if I was the wife, no question. Even if I was told maliciously in revenge, I’d still rather that than be kept in the dark.

BehindMyEyes · 20/03/2021 00:47

Is he still living with her at home ? Have you never been to his place in 2 years ?

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 20/03/2021 01:02

No he doesn’t not for years and years, and yes many time as I mentioned she is in a different city all together. He lives near where I do.

We have been away together, with my DCs, without so all normal relationships things.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 20/03/2021 02:34

So by the looks of it he could have finished his marriage for you.

He obviously told his wife he was leaving but not for another woman.
You say he was separated, living nearby to you.
If someone is separated it doesn't mean they are not married.
Why does this come as such a shock to you.

He is still in his childrens lives and that probably means being in contact with his soon to be ex wife.
If she doesn't know about you, she will have been going out of her mind trying to figure out why her husband abandonned her.
It is your call whether you tell her, personally I would, but I can see him turning you against this idea as he will put it as if you stay together it will be to both your disadvantages financially to let her know.

I can guess what you would do, but can you really trust him.
Poor wife, I bet she's had a dreadful few years.

justsotiredallthetime · 20/03/2021 02:52

Just tell her - he's 100% lying!. I think you're stalling because once you've done it there's no going back with him. Is a little part of you enjoying all the apologising? I've been there and I felt all of the above. Wish I hadn't wasted my life on it.