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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 01/04/2021 23:52

Not only is she wasting her time being on here, she’s wasting everyone’s valuable time

I agree if she's already decided she's staying put why not just crack on quietly. I think it's a fantasist/attention seeking thing tbh.

The story has changed so many times I doubt it's even real.

Shadowingshadows · 01/04/2021 23:56

Who cares if you don’t meet anyone else? The point of life isn’t to be coupled up even if you don’t love them or have any connection. Your children will be better off not seeing a loveless marriage of two separate people. You will be better off. Believe me, I’ve been there. Life if for living, live it, as you’re a long time dead.

Shadowingshadows · 02/04/2021 00:07

Sorry I’ve just gone back and read all the op’s posts and this doesn’t sound a realistic situation.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/04/2021 00:14

@Closetbeanmuncher

Totally agree with you.

The Op circles back more than Jen Psaki.

It’s not so much her story changes, at various points she interjects new ‘ facts ‘ that meander the course of ‘ the / her narrative ‘

Every conceivable angle has been discussed, every piece of helpful advice has been countered by the Op with the most ridiculous counter argument.

If 3/4 are happy ( Which I don’t think for a minute is true ), and she’s adamant about staying no matter how abusive and controlling her husband is, and this was her irrefutable position from the get go, why the fuck did she start the thread !?

Over to you, you timewaster.

Littlesthobo84 · 02/04/2021 08:49

Yes - because I spend my whole life going round in circles, that’s why.
I’m in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago but I still go round and round in circles.
I know what I want to do but it’s negated by the affect on my children. I understand that divorce doesn’t have to be a big tragedy for children but I know in my case it would be very acrimonious and I think where parents work in the best interests for the children regardless of their own relationship it has a much lesser impact.
My children would be caught in the crossfire. My older one would have a voice but my younger one wouldn’t and where does that leave her?

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 02/04/2021 08:54

Stop catastrophising.

How’s your morning going? Bank holiday, what are your plans OP?

How do your actual plans differ from what you’d like today?

Have you ever had counselling? For you, not you and H.

Littlesthobo84 · 02/04/2021 08:56

DH is still in bed. Dc and I are up but not doing much at the moment. I will take them out a bit later on.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 02/04/2021 08:58

I’m struggling to find impetus because everywhere that’s open will be busy but I have a couple of places in mind.

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 02/04/2021 09:20

Yes, I hear you re open = busy right now.

Try to challenge your thoughts, if you can, that your children’s well-being will not improve alongside your own. Don’t overthink the rest right now.

My kids adore their father. They were so happy when he lived here. Telling them he was moving out is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But slowly a subtle change came about in the way they held themselves, the way they relaxed, the way they responded to me having relaxed. The mood and atmosphere of the house. Me feeling lighter and no longer having to perform at being happy. They couldn’t have told you i was performing before, but they can feel the change now I am not. Does that make sense to you?

Littlesthobo84 · 02/04/2021 09:27

Yes it does, thank you.
I find it hard to accept that how I am has such a big impact on my dc, I tend to feel that I’m here to cook, clean, run around behind them and that they are pretty ok if those things are happening.
I know logically that probably isn’t true, they’d do better with a checked in mother.

OP posts:
GoLightlyontheEarth · 02/04/2021 09:47

I think you’re waiting in the hope your OH will do something beyond the pale and then you’ll have an excuse to leave. Or something or someone will change the situation for you. The truth is in ten years you’ll still be there. You’ll have teenagers to deal with.. on your own. You’ll be ten years older. Your OH will be more entitled, more selfish, more of a dead weight. Everything is just going to get harder. Why don’t you start off by making an appointment with a divorce lawyer? Find out where you stand. Organise some counselling for yourself. Do you have any friends you can confide in? Take it step by step but begin with taking back a little control at a time.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/04/2021 09:48

That's powerful professorinkling.

CarolineF123 · 02/04/2021 09:56

This reply has been deleted

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HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/04/2021 10:07
Hmm
Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/04/2021 12:29

@Littlesthobo84

‘ The kids do better when I’m checked in ‘

So presumably they don’t do very well when you are checked out, which is about half the time.

You’re constantly going round in circles. Your life is going around in circles, so are we going to have the pleasure of your company for the next ten years or until your children leave home !?

Go and talk to somebody. See a counsellor or therapist or even talk to your doctor. You are wasting your time and ours being on here, it’s not helping you, just giving you more reasons through your counter position to the advice given to circle even more.

I initially thought you might be a wind up merchant, then veered towards thinking you are depressed. I am coming to the conclusion that you have mental health issues, which is why I suggest strongly you leave here and see a professional.

Children see parents as role models and teachers. They pick up things outwardly and intuitively and on a conscious and sub conscious level.

I am concerned that your mental and emotional instability IS having a deep affect on your children without you realising because you are so wrapped up in your negative foggy thinking.

Get some help.

noirchatsdeux · 02/04/2021 17:32

@Fabiofatshaft1 Once again I totally agree with what you have posted. My mother also thought we weren't affected by our chaotic, disruptive and plain stressful childhood (I went to 6 different primary schools in 3 years, as an example), let alone by her bitter, angry, depressive attitude towards my father.

As I've posted on here before, she now has the cheek to be angry with my older brother as he's told her - at age 53 - how shit our childhood actually was. She's angry because she thought we'd be grateful for her martyr act.

You reap what you sow.

GoLightlyontheEarth · 02/04/2021 18:00

Completely agree.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 19:14

I definitely think you reap what you sow.

Parents denying that children don't notice atmosphere and general interactions between parents are lying to themselves.

They may not even realise what they are absorbing bur will recall it later as adults and then contextualise with an adults understanding.

noirchatsdeux · 02/04/2021 20:38

@billy1966 Exactly. It was only as an adult when I saw how my friends/partner's families interacted with each other - the actual real love and respect between the family members - that I realised just how fucked up our childhood was.

I've been having treatment for C-PTSD for the last few years. That is the future the OP could be bestowing on her children.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 02/04/2021 21:30

To play devil's advocate for the OP, I do understand how difficult it is to think this man who can be shouty and unkind to my kids is not the person I want them to be with for 50% of the time, without me around to mop up any tears. So I'm not prepared to stick around but I'll leave them to it... It's not an easy one.
(OP I still think, work on yourself and then get out)

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/04/2021 23:11

@noirchatsdeux

That’s a terribly sad story. I hope you and your siblings went on to have a happy, fruitful and productive life.

But your story completely resonates with my personal interpretation of the Ops situation. I think nearly all of us on here have milestones or landmarks in our childhood that are still with us, today. Many good and perhaps many not.

But as adults, we are initially shaped by our childhood and the adults around us and their behaviour and attitudes.

Re - reading the entire thread and the Ops posts, it’s hard not to come to the conclusion that her environment and family is toxic. To say this doesn’t affect the kids on some subliminal level is bollocks.

@Littlesthobo84

I believe the Op has serious mental health issues.

I am seriously concerned for the mental and emotional well being of her children...

She needs to talk with a professional.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 23:19

I hope the OP will reach out for help for herself and through getting that it will help her move forward.

It's a lot to deal with.
A misery of a mother who would happily put her down and a nasty, shouty husband.

If that has been your entire toxic life, I can well imagine MH problems.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/04/2021 23:36

OP you sound like you are so used to this situation and believe everyone else to be happy, bit I can guarantee children begin talking to their friends and find fault in their family homes.

You will be relying on your children for some of the things your partner should provide, entertainment, conversations, playing games, you may well also use you children to shield you from being close to your DH to avoid conflict. The children pick up on this.

Seek some professional help to stop you being frozen from making a decision.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/04/2021 23:39

@billy1966

Ahmen brother / sister.

TedMullins · 02/04/2021 23:55

@Littlesthobo84

Yes it does, thank you. I find it hard to accept that how I am has such a big impact on my dc, I tend to feel that I’m here to cook, clean, run around behind them and that they are pretty ok if those things are happening. I know logically that probably isn’t true, they’d do better with a checked in mother.
It isn’t about what you do for them or how you interact with them, though. It’s about what they observe and absorb of your relationship with your H, as other posters have said. I’m sure you are a good mum and care very much for your kids and tend to their practical and emotional needs, but when people say they’re being damaged, they don’t mean you aren’t doing any of that. They mean the environment and the things happening between you and H will affect them, even if they’re just bystanders and you try to shield them.
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