Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

I don't think you prevented, more that if it was ever discussed/brought up that is what he would say, yet again blame you for his failings.

By they way do not for a minute believe he cannot do bath and bedtime. What a total cop out! Imagine him standing up in front of his work colleagues in his demanding job and telling them he was incapable of putting a small child in the bath or reading them stories. It's only you he saves his strategic incompetence for.

I know he can.
I remember once, early on, pre dc, he said the best thing to do to avoid having to do something you don’t want to is to do it once and make a mess of it and no one asks you again.

How can you have even an iota if respect does this lazy, selfish useless man?

For this

@Littlesthobo84

I don’t think I did prevent it. He’s opted out. He’s refused to do bedtime or bath time, he just says he doesn’t know how to do it. Even if I go out in the evening I have to have the dc sorted and in bed before I go. He has stipulated that. When I had dc2 he took dc1 and went and stopped at his mum’s and I think she did it all.

Just laugh and go out Worst case they fall asleep in their clothes

I can kind of imagine my marriage going the way it sounds as though yours has, we are not there yet but after another child I think we might be. I really have a lot of sympathy with your point of view and can see why you stay. I think I would have to either be really miserable or fall in love with someone else to ever leave. Or if he cheated. My dc are the most precious thing to me and I too couldn’t bear to be without them for 50% of the time. I see a friend doing it (similar exH to yours btw) and it looks utterly awful even tho objectively she is better off without the dreadful ex.

My only comment tho is that I think you could possibly improve things by just capitulating on the contraception thing. Timing can be quite reliable but if you didn’t want to do that you could look into the coil or a ligation. Marriage is a team effort and you sound a bit my way of the highway on this point. Yes I appreciate he is too but sounds as though you’re in a deadlock and actually from his slightly vulgar comments he does seem to still fancy you. Life isn’t perfect, you know that, it seems you’re happy to make other compromises and sacrifices but not this one. Is it covering something else? I don’t really think a marriage can truly survive no sex. We just had a long dry spell and once broken we have felt so much more together than we did recently. I fear it will return due to husbands lack of interest which makes me sad :(. Anyway, my main point is I really get where you’re coming from. Maybe not til she’s 18 but if you want to stay I think that’s ok.

I don’t understand why you’re so sure he’s going to want the kids 50/50. He never does anything for them now, so what would make him take on children he’s never looked after? He may SAY he’d want them, but it seems highly unlikely.

I can’t understand any woman being told what to do by their husband. Your husband tells you you ‘can’t go out’ until you’ve got the kids ready for bed. Why do you listen to him? He’s your husband not your boss.

You do a lot of ‘what if’-ing OP.

What if you freed yourself and were happy?
What if your children visibly relaxed living in a household without an emotionally distant and all-round useless father?
What if they had another male role model in time, who enjoyed their company and showed them respect for you?
What if you found yourself able to breathe when given space and time alone and were able to connect with yourself again?
What if you had a hobby or at least time for one?
What if you began to enjoy your life without a dementor living in your home?
What if you met someone you actually wanted to have sex with and enjoyed it?
What if you felt respected, loved, cared for?
What if you gave yourself the love and compassion you deserve?
What would two lovely children want for their mum?

A lot of what you are saying sounds like my own words and thoughts from about five years ago. You might not be ready now. But you can start to tackle your preconceptions about children with separated parents, singledom, your prospects of dating should you ever wish to, your potential in life, what happiness means, flawed reasoning (1/4 being unhappy vs 4/4 being unhappy - suggest you start here and pick this apart).

Keep posting. I did and my strength grew. One day I couldn’t have imagined happiness being something for me. Slowly that was eroded and slowly I began to want it enough to make it for myself.

Also check the relationships board for tales of regret from women who finally left. You won’t find any!

@Littlesthobo84

What colour shoes did you wear today !?

Did you go with the black ones or the blue ones !?

How long did it take you to decide !? Did you sit there for several hours validating the wisdom of your decision !?

Stay where you are. Stay in your marriage. Stay there for another 20 fucking miserable years.

Stay there till the children have left, but rarely visit you because they can’t stand your utterly selfish and miserable husband.

Stay in your marriage to you are in your 60’s, old and grey and broken and even more bitter and miserable than your miserable husband.

Do you seriously think your grown up children will want their children around such a miserable couple !?

Acquiesce to your selfish husband. Risk the rhythm method, let him ‘ slip you one ‘ or ‘ break you back in ‘, see if it improves things, see if it makes him a nicer husband or if it feels like you’ve checked back in.

Keep dithering for the next 20 years.

Or, God forbid, woman up, make a decision for the future of your sanity and happiness, your children and future grand children’s happiness.

Your life sounds miserable, abusive and controlling.......

Take the step, free yourself, go out and get a better, happier life......

Before life has passed you by.

@whatcangowrong - seriously you’re suggesting op ‘just capitulates on the contraception thing’ and seriously risks her HEALTH? And potentially has another child with this man she’s miserable with??? Unbelievable. You have read all op’s posts haven’t you?
The op never replies to queries as to why she won’t consider a ligation if she cannot risk another pregnancy, but if neither is prepared for any compromise there, it’s a stalemate. But to those women who have totally disinterested husbands who never do anything with their kids and treat their wives likes housekeepers/nannies - why do think he’ll suddenly want to look after them and have them 50/50? And do you not think it’s very damaging for children to live with a father who is so obviously not interested in them?

@Fabiofatshaft1 Amen to all that.

@whatcangowrong

Agreed.

Why are some people conflating the ‘ sex ‘ issues !?

The way I see it is there are two issues:

1.) The ops confidence, self worth, self identity, self esteem has been hammered for years, by a quick tempered, vindictive, abusive and controlling husband, mother - in - law and mother.

So much so, she can’t rationalise anything, can’t make a decision, doesn’t know what she wants and appears frightened of her own shadow.

The second issue is:

2.) Her husband is a shitty, non co - parenting, intimidating, controlling, abusive, vindictive, scabby cunt.

For all that, she is the author of her own misery.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Take a blank piece of paper, write a new chapter. About a better and happier life, without that cunt in it.

Sorry

@goody2shooz

I agree with you !!!!

@whatcangowrong

Sorry, disagree completely.

I think if I only had ds it would be easier, in a few years he will be off doing his own thing anyway. But dd is still little.

It will be so much harder when they are older. When your ds has learned from his father how to disrespect you, ignore and treat you like shit. The teens years are far harder than baby/toddler stages.

When is a good time to separate, when he's starting secondary school, full of anxiety and low self-esteem. Or when he's about 14 shouting and swearing at you and going off with his mates to take drugs in the park.

What about when he's 16. Much bigger and stronger than you. Treats you like dirt and his sister too. Lords it around whilst you cook, clean and tiptoe round him.

Even if he turns out ok, if he makes it to university or into a decent career, he will be riddled with self doubt, never value himself, one of those statistics maybe that fall into terrible circumstances. Those of us who have older children at uni know that can be such a difficult time for them. An awful time for parents to separate.

So I guess none of those are a good time. Maybe when he's 25? Can you do that many years? Are you ok for your daughter to marry someone just like your dh.

Honestly OP, you are so far over the line of denial, denial is just a dot to you.

Of none of those are a good time - then there’s never a good time - and I just have to stay.
I don’t want him to become some sort of depressing statistic.

@Littlesthobo84

Of none of those are a good time - then there’s never a good time - and I just have to stay. I don’t want him to become some sort of depressing statistic.

None of those are a good time.

But he's not any of those ages yet.

NOW is a good time.

But it's a short window as I've illustrated. There's a lot more to think about than the next couple of years.

People have been trying to tell you what this is going to be like for your children when they grow up. This is what you are looking at. This is history repeating itself unless you make changes.

What depressing statistic that he would commit suicide.

Homeless, addict, gambler and yes depression, anxiety, self harm. All of these are statistically awful circumstances for parents to have to see their child suffer from.

They are, and I don’t want to take the risk.
He’s happy right now, they both are.
Ultimately they matter more than me, it’s not entirely selfless as if they were upset I’d be even more unhappy than I am now. I do think 3/4 of us right now are ok.
And I can act ok.

Or they could be in an abusive relationship which is another statistic in terrible circumstances and, let's face, more likely if they grow up in one.

Ultimately they matter more than me, it’s not entirely selfless

OP I have to say I think that it would be best for your children to leave but I dont think you will and I think in the end that will be worse for them

Hello @Littlesthobo84, what did you hope to get out of posting here? I’m not asking in a sarcastic way at all, just wondering what outcome/learning curve/self knowledge....what was it that made you post?