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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 17:19

I’m not sure, I just really really want to check back in and for it for feel ok.
I feel restless all the time, I just want to feel peaceful.
I want to be able to enjoy things and look forward to things.
I just want my family to stay together.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/04/2021 17:29

But you cant get that in your marriage and no amount of help and support is going to get you there because there is nothing you can do.

What you want just isnt something I think that you can get. If it doesnt feel ok and if you feel restless your children know and are aware. You are the person who does everything for them

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 17:36

OP you can't have both of these so you have to pick one:

a) I want to be able to enjoy things and look forward to things.

or

b) I just want my family to stay together.

That is the simplest way to put it and if you don't get it then I don't think anything anyone says is going to help you.

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 17:39

Yes, I know. The trouble is I want both - but if it comes down to it then it has to be b).

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 01/04/2021 17:39

Hi OP
When I asked you a few pages back, how would you feel if your husband came home & asked for a divorce, you said you'd feel sad and relieved.

Given how firmly you've said about believing it's best for your DC for you to stay together, I was expecting more along the lines of absolutely furious/devastated he's splitting the family up.

But no. Sad and relieved.

Why would you feel relieved?

Based on all you've said I'm guessing it's because, in your heart of hearts, that's what you want to happen but you're lacking the courage to make it happen for yourself?

I keep coming back to your relationship with your mum. If you take nothing else from this thread, please please take on board the excellent advice from PPs to get some decent therapy to work on your childhood and ongoing adult relationship with her. It's so sad reading your posts, the lack of agency you believe you have in your own life, and so much of that comes from how she's trained you.

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 17:40

And to achieve b) then I need to make as much life as I can outside of my marriage.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/04/2021 17:42

CAn I ask you a question though are you ever actually a family.

ProfessorInkling · 01/04/2021 17:45

Did you read my post OP?

You’re quite the prediction maker.

My kids aren’t statistics. They are thriving. They have a happy mother. They have good boundaries and healthy relationships modelled for them. They are learning from me.

Your kids are learning from you.

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 17:46

Sometimes - holidays mainly.
The rest of the time we aren’t a family in the way that I knew when I grew up, but we are functional.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/04/2021 17:46

Your family is you & the DC.

Your H is not part of that family bubble, he's a lodger that you look after.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 17:49

@Littlesthobo84

Yes, I know. The trouble is I want both - but if it comes down to it then it has to be b).
Well there you go then, decision made.
WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 17:52

You asked for help to stay in your marriage, do you think you got it? I think you've probably achieved what you wanted from this thread, although it did take several pages to get there!

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 17:54

I suppose I wanted a way to have both so yes, it has helped me recognise that it’s one or the other.
Maybe I will feel less restless as time goes on. Maybe lockdown easing will help.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 01/04/2021 18:04

@Littlesthobo84

Of none of those are a good time - then there’s never a good time - and I just have to stay. I don’t want him to become some sort of depressing statistic.
I think you must be pulling our leg @Littlesthobo84, if you can't see that you and your children are a very depressing statistic, and as the product of parenting like that it really grieves me to see you choosing this pathway. I'm just going to have to drop out of this as it's doing my head in.
Quartz2208 · 01/04/2021 18:05

WIth the greatest respect nothing about this sounds like a functional family.

I think you are trying to hold on to something which doesnt actually exist. It sounds dysfunctional to the core

The biggest thing your children need is a happy you - and I think staying is denying them of the one thing they need.

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 18:06

I can’t - because I know my dc and I see them here happy. Dd talking about the Easter bunny coming, ds talking about what we will do over Easter. Both cheerful and fine.
Currently everything is well in their world.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/04/2021 18:11

Why don't you think your DC would be happy if they mainly lived with just you?

Quartz2208 · 01/04/2021 18:11

I really hope you are right OP and they arent masking to make sure you are ok by putting a brave face on it because they see how much you are hurting and they love you so much.

It is very easy to pretend to be cheerful and fine even when you are not especially when you see your main caregiver doing the same.
You are showing them such a warped dysfunctional sense of normal and putting a mask on it. If you cant see the danger of that and see posts like Alcemeg and not understand the longer term effects of what you are doing then I am out too

Dery · 01/04/2021 18:12

Well, it sounds like your decision is made, OP.

Personally I think it's rather sad. For some reason, you prefer to hang on grimly to your marriage despite how unhappy it is and despite the knock-on effects it will have for your children (which it will) than to have a go at creating a better home-life for them, one which requires your husband to actually parent and may lead to a better relationship between your children and their father. It is clear from your posts that you are doing this because you want to ensure you are around your children all the time because they are yours.

You have painted this image of yourself as being someone who capitulates and accommodates others and doesn't know how to look after herself or fight her own corner but I'm beginning to think that isn't true at all. You got your promotion despite opposition from your mum. You have argued down every poster on this 22 page thread who has suggested staying is a bad idea (and that's been most of us). You headed your OP "Help Me Stay In My Marriage" and you have steadfastly stuck to that idea despite all the arguments made against it. It suits you to remain in this marriage and you are therefore determined to do so.

As for whether you'll be able to get away when your youngest is 18: well, a great many adult children return after uni so you may well still need a family home. Your husband or you may become ill or some other circumstance may arise so that you feel unable to leave then either. Hell, painful as it is to contemplate, you may actually have died by then (further up, I mentioned the post from a woman who waited until her mid-40s to irrevocably leave an emotionally abusive relationship only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not long left to live).

And if you do get away when your DD is 18: your children may well not thank you for remaining in an unhappy marriage throughout their childhood only to bail when they left home.

I hope you keep revisiting this decision, OP, and do so with an open mind.

Littlesthobo84 · 01/04/2021 18:12

Random they might only be with me half the time. DH could well get 50/50. He could pay someone to look after them for his part of the time if he wanted to.

OP posts:
GoLightlyontheEarth · 01/04/2021 18:19

I have a friend like you. Her OH doesn’t even eat with them. She drinks an awful lot and has affairs. Her oldest is on anti depressants and her younger child is beginning to show signs of depression too. She says she’s waiting for her youngest to go to Uni and then she’ll leave. Meanwhile she’s lost years of her life. Don’t be like that. I

RandomMess · 01/04/2021 18:26

You are primary parent you can easily negotiate for it to be EOW and midweek overnight plus 4 weeks holiday. You can insist on refusal so that you have the right to look after the DC before other childcare is used.

I'm sure if you made a song and dance about you looking forward to him having the kids loads so you can go out and get a life and have down time he will dig his heels in and have them the minimum.

You have years of evidence that he doesn't parent them to suddenly get 50:50.

Your eldest will be listened to. Around 12 their wishes very much get taken into account.

You don't want to take responsibility for ending it in case they are unhappy yet you are very aware it's an unhealthy dynamic for them and are responsible for staying and subjecting your DC to that 🤷🏽‍♀️

Fabiofatshaft1 · 01/04/2021 20:01

@WallaceinAnderland

The op isn’t going anywhere, and never was.

The headliner was ‘ Help me stay in my marriage ‘

She doesn’t want help. The brilliant help, views, opinions, information that people have given their time to give the op is a complete waste.

Not only is she wasting her time being on here, she’s wasting everyone’s valuable time.

@Littlesthobo84 Time for you to bow out I think and enjoy your misery and martyrdom.

Wakingup55643 · 01/04/2021 23:05

I really relate to the whole of this thread, as someone desperate to get out of her marriage and find real love, while also agonising over whether it's achievable or even reasonable to want this. And no matter how much advice and encouragement and support is given to say yes you can do this, she'll always find an argument to say no. I too would feel relieved if my dh came home and said he wanted a divorce, or if he said he was gay, because then I'd be free, with the decision taken out of my hands. It's all about willing to be the bad guy or not. I've let things go that I really really regret, all because I didn't have to the guts to say I want this and I don't want that. To some people it's obvious and straightforward what OP should do, but to her it's near impossible.

OneBlinky · 01/04/2021 23:14

Get a lover... no reason why not. He cant fulfil yr needs someone else will