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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 31/03/2021 17:56

@Littlesthobo84, there are no right or wrong decisions in life. But the waiting game is the most pointless of all. I just posted this on another thread, and I think it might be appropriate here too.

RandomMess · 31/03/2021 17:57
Sad

Presumably he would refuse counselling.

I just think it will slowly get worse, you will get more depressed, your DC will suffer more than they are - it may all be subtle but there isn't any healthy happy adulting going on in their home.

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:00

I don’t know if he’d go to counselling, I think he’d be angry at the suggestion of it. Whether he’d come round maybe, I’m not sure.
I do feel like I’m wasting my life but I also feel like I’ve had a lot of my life, the dc are just starting out.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:13

Also - despite the fact I’ve become more and more checked out over the last couple of years DH doesn’t seem to have noticed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/03/2021 18:19

Was he ever checked in from when you married after the "first flush"?

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:24

I’m not sure. I know it has been better than it is now previously, even if it’s never felt right for me.
The anxiety and depression have been creeping in for a while and now I never feel at peace. I’d really like to enjoy something or look forward to something again.

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Callingallskeletons · 31/03/2021 18:27

Jesus OP how have you managed 20 years of life as a full time doormat? I’m in my 30’s and honestly there’s no way at all I could have managed life like this for the last 5 years never mind 20!

He’s never changed a dirty nappy? He refuses to collect HIS children from school? Won’t take holidays for “babysitting”? Are you for real? Did you take the job as live in maid willingly or is that just what you think married life is like?

Please don’t live the rest of your life like this OP, you’re not doing your children any favours

RandomMess · 31/03/2021 18:28

You need therapy you are depressed and lost Sad

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:35

I’ve had some therapy but it’s been tricky over lockdown because I’ve had the dc most of the time and / or I’ve been at work. I have had some but I cannot say it’s made much difference so far.
The trouble is I never feel a decision is made, I decide to stay but it doesn’t feel right. I decide to leave and it doesn’t feel right. I back and forth.

OP posts:
GoLightlyontheEarth · 31/03/2021 18:37

You know you only need to make one decision Leave him. All else will follow. Just screw yourself up and do it and don’t look back.

RandomMess · 31/03/2021 18:40

You need to leave, I think you are very afraid of making that decision and that is the only stopping you.

You cannot carry on appeasing "everyone else" to your own detriment, you've done it your whole life and it isn't working is it??

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:46

No, but given how much effort it took to go with the role I wanted at work and how many sleepless nights it caused, plus stopping eating for over a fortnight, I just don’t know how I get to the place where I can live with myself.

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Aalvarino · 31/03/2021 18:52

The only thing I can say which I know to be true is that you are worth more than this. Everyone is. And the idea your kids are happy is really screwed up. As yet another person whose parents appeared together, co-operative, mutually supportive: just, no. I know it's a lie and have done since I was around 13. It has taught me to put my feelings to one side and not trust them. Just like you.
Being single is a million times better than staying with someone out of duty.
My kids were not unaffected. That would be untrue. But who can say how they would be doing had they stayed together?
Ps... The research evidence on separated families is not robust despite what you may think.

RandomMess · 31/03/2021 18:52

By building boundaries, not letting others have the opportunity to have an opinion on your life choices!

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:56

Are they doing ok though Aalvadino?

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Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 18:56

My phone changed that to Dino 🙄
Sorry - Aalvarino

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Aalvarino · 31/03/2021 18:57

Had we stayed together. Apologies. Fat fingers.

Aalvarino · 31/03/2021 19:01

They are doing really well now. They have a mum who is much more carefree and happy. We are materially ok off which helps.

DD is a feisty, independent teen who will take no shit from anyone but is smart, sensitive and kind. DS is the younger one and has had some anxiety but that predated the split.
I don't know what to compare their current state to. Had I stayed with their father they would potentially also have been severely affected. He was very my way or the high way and very selfish. Bit like you describe your husband, altho I will say he is a more involved dad than your bloke, normally.

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 19:05

We would be materially ok off I think.
I find I can cope thinking about day to day, but I find when I think of them going on holiday or Christmas and birthdays etc without me I feel a bit like I can’t breathe.
I also feel like they are MINE. Which I know people will probably not agree with, but I do feel that. I suppose because I feel like I’ve done most of it and they are so close to me.
I do a fair bit of catastrophising. What if DH took the away without me and something happened to one of them? What if one of them is really ill when I’m not there? He probably wouldn’t let me know.

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Aalvarino · 31/03/2021 19:12

Those feelings are normal and totally understandable. I won't lie. The Christmases and birthdays are hard. BUT they are showpiece days. They aren't what your children will remember and what will form them and their memories as adults. That comes from daily life.

Plus... I'm sure they aren't brilliant days for you now. I was so afraid of Christmases and birthdays post-separation, but I found them surprisingly liberating and stress-free when it came to it.
You sound so afraid of what your life could be :( plus you are blaming yourself for everything when it is clearly him causing contributing to the issues. I really feel for you. There is another life out there for you and your children.

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 19:17

No, they aren’t brilliant now. I actually really don’t enjoy Christmas and haven’t for a long time, but my dc do and that’s what I find so difficult.
I think if I only had ds it would be easier, in a few years he will be off doing his own thing anyway. But dd is still little.

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RandomMess · 31/03/2021 19:18

You know that feeling of "MINE and NEEDING your DC" I wonder if that is what you have learnt being a Mum is? It's actually unhealthy to feel that extreme. I think it's likely because you don't have a partner in the emotional sense nor a healthy dynamic with your parents.

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 19:22

It is unhealthy but it’s because their every need has been fulfilled by me - I’m not going to say it’s been like being a single parent because that is disrespectful to single parents - but I do think most of the emotional and practical need has been met by me. DH hasn’t stepped up so they have felt mine and only mine. I’ve had only one night away from them since either of them were born (unless you count when I had dd in hospital, which I don’t).

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RandomMess · 31/03/2021 19:25

Leaving would actually give your H the opportunity to step up and parent. He may or may not choose it but he can then never say that you prevented him parenting them by always stepping in etc

Littlesthobo84 · 31/03/2021 19:29

I don’t think I did prevent it. He’s opted out. He’s refused to do bedtime or bath time, he just says he doesn’t know how to do it. Even if I go out in the evening I have to have the dc sorted and in bed before I go. He has stipulated that.
When I had dc2 he took dc1 and went and stopped at his mum’s and I think she did it all.

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