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Original poster

Lose lose situation, which path do I choose?

173 replies

Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 22:25

When I first met my BF it did cross my mind that we might be in different stages of our lives but we clicked, I enjoyed his company and I thought I would just see what happened. Fast forward 2 years and we now live together and are very happy. However he has 2 kids ages 17 & 19 and I don’t have any. I have thought a lot about this recently and realised I don’t think there’s a future unless he’s option to having anymore. So I broached the subject last week and he said no. There was no discussion about it, just that he didn’t want anymore and he won’t change his mind. I feel like I’m now in a position where I either choose the relationship and miss out on motherhood or leave and take the risk of being both single and childless. I feel like I’m being forced to make a lose lose decision and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 22:26

*open to having more

OP posts:
Changemaname1 · 17/03/2021 22:29

It’s a tough decision op of course the other option you didn’t mention is that your relationship ends down the line for another reason and you end up without him and without dc

Would you resent him if you stay ? I don’t think anyone can make your mind up for you but hopefully others will be along to reply with some more wisdom than me !

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 22:29

If you want any chance of having your own children, you need to leave him and do so as soon as possible. I know two women who thought their partner would change their mind and want a/more children. They didn't and these women have nothing but regret.

FreddyTheFlute · 17/03/2021 22:30

@Changemaname1

It’s a tough decision op of course the other option you didn’t mention is that your relationship ends down the line for another reason and you end up without him and without dc

Would you resent him if you stay ? I don’t think anyone can make your mind up for you but hopefully others will be along to reply with some more wisdom than me !

This
Wherearemymarbles · 17/03/2021 22:32

I am not in your situation but if you stay you definitely wont have children and you might end up single anyway.

If you leave you probably will have children. And if you don't find a partner there is always ivf.

Looking at this dispassionately its a no brainer.

JackieWeaverFever · 17/03/2021 22:35

I did leave a partner.

He def wanted kids and I wasn't ready (i was 22...) He went on to date a friend within a month. They were married with 2 kids in 5 years....
I met my husband in my 30s and we are MADLY happy and trying for our first baby

Nicecupofteaandacake · 17/03/2021 22:35

My DH and I split after 5 years because I wanted kids and he didn’t (we are same age and no previous DC from other relationships however).

We’d spoken about it previously and I’d decided to wait and see for a year or two. He didn’t seem to be forthcoming in terms of moving on the discussion of marriage or kids - so I told him it was over. I moved out that day.

A week later he proposed. We are 7 years on, married with 2 DC (nearly, 2nd due any day)

I’m very glad I had the conversation. I’m happy he dug deep and it was a decision he was happy with (to propose and have kids) - he was just shit scared but always says it was the best thing I did as it gave him the kick up the arse he needed.

From what you’re saying, you DP has been there and done that, and no wish to repeat it. He’s being very honest with you - so listen to him.

Think long and hard about it and don’t rush your decision.

It seems lose-lose now, but you don’t know who is around the corner or what life will look like in 5 years!

Good luck Flowers

Usagi12 · 17/03/2021 22:35

He won't change his mind so don't hold out for that. If you really want children you need to leave and not waste anymore of your life in a relationship that will not go in the direction you want it to.

NovemberR · 17/03/2021 22:40

How old are you?

I'm assuming BF is probably 40ish at least if he's got a 19 year old.

My opinion is likely to be different depending on your age. If you are 30 and want kids then leave now. You have time to meet someone else and have a family. If you are 40+ yourself and have suddenly decided you'd like children then to be brutally honest you've probably missed the boat, and if you end the relationship you are likely to end up either single and childless - or in a different relationship but still childless.

However, it does sound like a refusal to consider children is a deal breaker for you. Only you can really decide.

Ggeemerc · 17/03/2021 23:07

I don't think it's something you can compromise on, it's such a massive thing, caring for a DC for 18 years. He knows what's involved and doesn't want to do it again. I'd leave him myself. Sad though it is. But you can't do it half heartedly, or have your arm twisted.

Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:25

He is 43 and I’m 35. We loosely spoke about it at the beginning of us dating but it was more me raising concerns and him brushing them aside. I said to him when I broached it last week that surely he must have known this would be an issue as I don’t have any. He said maybe it’s selfish but it’s just not something he would consider. I know / know of so many couples where the man has “been there done that” but who go onto have a child later in life with a new partner. And I can’t help but feel they must have loved their partner more than my BF loves me. Deep down I know I should leave if he’s adamant but I also think couples don’t just split up after one conversation do they? Am I right to at least give us both a few months before making such a final decision. We have a life together, pets together, we live together and I won’t try to force him into anything but I can’t help but hope he might come round to the idea? He is very quick to shut things down at first then he does seem to come round to things. However I do realise this is one thing he probably won’t change his mind on. I could understand his reluctance more if he never wanted to be a parent at all but he has 2 kids, it’s me who would go through the birth, financially we are fine, I feel like he just doesn’t want to give up his freedom which I understand but I have moved town to be with him, so we can live near his kids and throughout this past year it’s not his mates or holidays that have been there for him, it’s been me and his kids. I give so much to this relationship and to be shut down so quickly when I broached this subject just shocked me.

OP posts:
doingthehoovering · 17/03/2021 23:26

It's good that he has been so clear and honest with you. You now need to really hear that and not wait around hoping he will change his mind. I was in a similar position but my partner said he would have more. We tried and tried but it never happened. We are still together. The fact that he did everything in his power to give me a child meant that although there's been sadness there are no regrets. I think trying and failing and not trying at all are very different and l fear you may not be okay with settling for what you have.

blue25 · 17/03/2021 23:28

He knows what it involves and doesn’t want to go through it again. You have to respect that. He won’t change his mind.

Glitterandunicorns · 17/03/2021 23:31

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're in this position. To be blunt, time isn't on your side if you want children.
I would suggest the fact that he's given his answer so quickly and bluntly suggests he's definitely not going to change his mind on the matter. You don't really have time to wait and see if maybe he might change his mind.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I know that ending a relationship isn't straightforward, especially when you have love for the other person. It sounds like you have some very difficult decisions to make. Best of luck.

Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:31

@doingthehoovering that’s exactly how I feel. If we tried and it didn’t happen I could accept that more.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 23:33

I think I'd get out asap because I'd want the chance of meeting someone else. He should've made that clear right from the first day - I think it's very very unfair to date a woman of your age without making it clear if you don't want children. That might have suited you, but if it didn't then he'd just be wasting your time.

DoLallyTapMum · 17/03/2021 23:33

I have to be honest I’m shocked you didn’t have this conversation before moving in with him or before the 2 year mark. Realistically I don’t think you’re going to convince him, his kids are leaving home age and you want him to go back to the nappies stage.

Woodlandbelle · 17/03/2021 23:34

I would have had this conversation two years ago. I would move out as soon as possible. It's not just one conversation. He's just told you that you may never be a mother. That is massive and life changing.

Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:36

So many people change their mind about things - kids, marriage, splitting up, moving, so even if we both are adamant right now we want different things, should I not give it just a few months to just be sure? It is really hard, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. I still love him and it’s not like I would meet anyone else right now with lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:39

And you’re right, we should have had this conversation earlier but it’s only recently I’ve been more aware of what I might be giving up & I guess I was just enjoying our time together too much.

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 17/03/2021 23:47

Good advice on here.

Mine is.. Men come and go....

If you do stay then tell him he now needs to look after contraception if he doesn't want children.

wendywoopywoo222 · 17/03/2021 23:50

Sad as it is if you want children i wouldn't hang around just in case he changes his mind. As he has already had some he knows what's involved and I would imagine highly unlikely to change his mind.
I'm a woman who never wanted children and finished several relationships when I was young with boyfriends who thought I would change my mind.

Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:55

@wendywoopywoo222 is it unreasonable though that I feel it’s different to expect a women who doesn’t want kids to give birth and have a child when they do not want to be a parent at all. Than to hope a man who is already a father would at least consider having a 3rd child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toto2021 · 17/03/2021 23:56

I would love to hear from any men as well to get a male perspective. All comments welcome

OP posts:
Eekay · 18/03/2021 00:07

@Toto2021 it is actually unreasonable to hope that he would "at least consider having a third child".
His kids are nearly grown up and he doesn't want to start back at the beginning again. He's making an informed decision because he knows full well what parenting entails.
Of course you wish it were different. But he's being completely honest and not stringing you along. You hear so many stories on here where women are kept hanging on false hope.
If you want to be a mother you need to take him at his word and end things. Really sad. But there's no compromise here.
And if you stayed with him but split up when it's too late to conceive you'd be devastated.

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