Lose lose situation, which path do I choose?

[Toto2021]

When I first met my BF it did cross my mind that we might be in different stages of our lives but we clicked, I enjoyed his company and I thought I would just see what happened. Fast forward 2 years and we now live together and are very happy. However he has 2 kids ages 17 & 19 and I don’t have any. I have thought a lot about this recently and realised I don’t think there’s a future unless he’s option to having anymore. So I broached the subject last week and he said no. There was no discussion about it, just that he didn’t want anymore and he won’t change his mind. I feel like I’m now in a position where I either choose the relationship and miss out on motherhood or leave and take the risk of being both single and childless. I feel like I’m being forced to make a lose lose decision and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

From my recollection you are living in his house so i don’t see how you’re that ‘tied together’. As for the pets either divide them among you or have shared visitation.

Don’t drag your feet in the sand, go after the life you want.

@Dervel

I don’t think anyone is criticising the OP’s bf for not wanting to do it all over again. However I do think it’s incredibly naive of him to have embarked on a serious commitment with a 35 year old with no children of her own for 2 years without this question being settled comprehensively ahead of time.

Or incredibly naive of her to have started a serious relationship with someone with more or less grown up kids for two years without this question being settled comprehensively ahead of time.

[quote Toto2021]@Dervel It was just nice to hear a positive side to it as well, I know how hard it will be but to only give the negative side of it as some posters has, isn’t the full truth. Like you say, I can imagine it’s so rewarding to watch them grow into their own person. And I completely understand my partner has done it before and this thread isn’t about me changing his mind or forcing him into something he doesn’t want. It’s a place to work out my thoughts and go through everything to work out what path I want to take. And to try and understand things that I currently don’t. Although it won’t be a new experience for him it will be a new experience for US. We make a good team and ideally I would want to experience this with him, even if I had experienced it before.[/quote]
But he doesn't want to. And that's the crux of it

So he got into a relationship with a woman in her 30s, and repeatedly brushed off conversations about having kids, knowing his answer was a flat no? I'm sorry, but I think he's been an incredibly selfish arse!! You should definitely leave and find someone to build a family with.

"Although it won’t be a new experience for him it will be a new experience for US. We make a good team and ideally I would want to experience this with him, even if I had experienced it before."

But OP....you don't actually know that if hypothetically you'd already had kid(s) that you would want to repeat that experience with someone else. That's just a fantasy.

Also you're falling dangerously close to the line of thinking that if he loved you enough, he would want to experience having a baby with you...and that's a flawed way of thinking.

If someone doesn't want children or more children, then they feel they have enough love existing in the world around them & no need to create more people in order to experience love.

A child isn't a symbol of the love between two parents. Children are their own little people & while you say we are being negative about parenthood, you seem to have a rosy vision of it - one that makes it crystal clear IMO that you are not a childfree woman, so it sounds like you are making the right decision for yourself to prepare to leave over this.

You don't know that your hypothetical kid wouldn't be born with a defect or special needs & you could suffer from PND/PNA and have a hard time of it and days where you just don't feel like being a parent.

This idea that this baby will be a new "thing" you experience together sound naive & simplistic. There would no doubt be at least one time where he turns around to you & says "well it was you who wanted this" while you're crying about the hard day you've had.

It wouldn't be the fairytale you imagine because parenthood is hard & raising children can test relationships to their limit.

Oh this is so difficult for you OP. It sounds like he is mulling things over for you so give him that space and chance to think clearly. I have a 23 year old and would point blank never, ever want another child. Your partner has children already grown up and moving into their own lives. He will have his freedom. He will be thinking a lot about what he has already experienced from raising his 2. He will be asking whether he can go through it all again but being a much older dad. Parenting is the most knackering thing you can go through. It tears you apart as much as it brings joy. I can understand where he is coming from and understand your angst at wanting them. Its a tough call for you. Having children changes your relationship. If its strong enough then you will get through it. Give him time, then talk. See where he is at.

@litterbird thank you.

Not RTFT.

@Wherearemymarbles, And if you don't find a partner there is always ivf.

You mean AID. There's a difference.

Op did you have a previous lengthy thread on this recently, then name change and start another one?

@Bluntness100 no, there does seem to be a few similar situation ones on here though

If you want children leave.
I know a few women who have stayed hoping and have lived to deeply regret it when their biological clock has run out.

Perhaps you should talk this over with a professional? You can't have wanted kids this badly 2 years ago or you wouldn't have got involved with this man in the first place, so given your age perhaps the easiest thing is to try to get back to that child-free mindset that you used to have?

You can't have wanted kids this badly 2 years ago...

Two years ago she was in her early 30s, now she is 35, with the biological clock starting to tick loud and clear.

@Toto2021, he's done the having kids bit, he doesn't want to do it again. If you want definitely want DC, walk away now and look at AID.

[quote Toto2021]@wendywoopywoo222 is it unreasonable though that I feel it’s different to expect a women who doesn’t want kids to give birth and have a child when they do not want to be a parent at all. Than to hope a man who is already a father would at least consider having a 3rd child.[/quote]
I'm sure you feel
Cheated but if he's said no I would think he has considered it.

@wendywoopywoo222 I don’t feel cheated, I just feel like any big decision in a relationship should be talked through from both sides so the bigger picture can be looked at for us both even if the end result is the same. It’s a very cut throat way of dealing with things to say we want different things pack your bags straight away as some people seem to be saying. Sometimes in life things change for people, feelings change, what’s important to you in life changes. So I can’t understand people giving me a hard time for wanting to give us both a few months after ONE serious conversation about it, not to force each other one way or another but just to really think about everything as whole.

[quote Toto2021]@wendywoopywoo222 I don’t feel cheated, I just feel like any big decision in a relationship should be talked through from both sides so the bigger picture can be looked at for us both even if the end result is the same. It’s a very cut throat way of dealing with things to say we want different things pack your bags straight away as some people seem to be saying. Sometimes in life things change for people, feelings change, what’s important to you in life changes. So I can’t understand people giving me a hard time for wanting to give us both a few months after ONE serious conversation about it, not to force each other one way or another but just to really think about everything as whole.[/quote]
Because you made a post asking a question. Then got fairly unanimous answers and argued against these. There's nothing stopping you from ignoring these and going back to your partner to talk instead of arguing with strangers on here. None of us can know your specific circumstances and it is impossible to express the totality of a situation in postage sized boxes of text alone. But with a general idea of the situation based on your words, people have given you feed back to your question. You can do whatever you wish with that information.

[quote Toto2021]@mcmooberry did your ex go on to meet someone who also didn’t want kids?[/quote]
Hi, my exH did meet someone else who was 4 years older than him/us and they tried via ivf for a few years to have children but were ultimately unsuccessful (totally driven by her). He is happy now to have no children, she has never got over it. If he had had children and I didn't I would never, ever have got over that and would have regretted not leaving a lot sooner than I did.

I was in a similar position to you (though was only 22 when we got together and it was eight years before I realised I wanted a child). Up until then we were in agreement re no kids. He asked me to wait a bit (which I did). When it became clear that he was hoping I’d change my mind I told him we needed to break up. We didn’t break up but agreed to only one (we have two! His fault the second one!). I would not have stayed if he hadn’t agreed to have a child with me.

Sorry you're in this position OP but I agree with most other people in saying if you want children, you have to leave.

Forget the 3 months thing. Two weeks (if you can get practical stuff sorted) is more than enough to let your position sink in.

Like many others I have 2 teenagers. I'm single. Despite how much I might love my next partner, there's no way I'd go back and start again with a baby.

Only you know if you might be able to grind him down with sad eyes and "let's think about it and we'll talk again" and all the other feminine wiles you have in your arsenal.
But even if you do get him to acquiesce, will that meet your fantasy of a happy team?
The urge to have a child when in your mid 30s can be all consuming.
If you need to scratch the itch, be realistic. You are kidding yourself at the moment.

I told my boyfriend there was no way I was having kids. He chose me.

Please don't try and grind him down or coax him into saying yes unless you want to be back on here in 10years complaining your DH does nothing with/for the kids and everything falls to you.

OP - you posted before and got similar responses.
Your boyfriend isn’t ‘thinking it over’ - he is waiting to grind you down. He isn’t going to change his mind.
And yes - essentially - he just doesn’t love you enough, or, rather he loves his life and comforts more.
I do feel it’s a different decision to have one more for a women vs a man. And I don’t think anyone would really argue with it.
And in a relationship with someone in her 30s - it’s clear that the issues of kids would come up.
He knows you are stuck a bit at this point - not the easiest for a woman to go out dating at mid 30s to have kids in the next 5 years.
So he is counting that your attachment to life with him would make that move seem risky.

But, I think - if you want to have kids - no man is worth giving it up for. It’s really simple.

As to your plan to give it time - it’s just you fooling yourself. Just like @Sameforme9992 is kidding herself that her H wants kids.
Both of the men are just use delaying.
Your bf is at least not promising you he wants it while running down the clock.

In my years of experience - men rarely change their mind on their own. They may, sometimes, when faced with real fear of losing you. But mostly women aren’t brave enough and cling to hope in hopeless situations. And then pay the price.

In your place I’d start making plans to move on. As in these times it would all take a lot longer than you think. And at 35 you don’t really have time to lose.

As a parent to a teenager, highly unlikely he will change his mind IMO. Starting again with 18 years of sleeplessness, spending money, finding childcare, sacrificing social lives and adult holidays when you're JUST at the brink of being independent again? No freaking chance. I cringe when I hear my colleagues talking about nursery fees and the faff of drop offs and breakfast clubs.

I think he's as likely to change his mind in the next three months as you are.

@Zig4zag

Please don't try and grind him down or coax him into saying yes unless you want to be back on here in 10years complaining your DH does nothing with/for the kids and everything falls to you.

Or back here as a divorcee.