Lose lose situation, which path do I choose?

[Toto2021]

When I first met my BF it did cross my mind that we might be in different stages of our lives but we clicked, I enjoyed his company and I thought I would just see what happened. Fast forward 2 years and we now live together and are very happy. However he has 2 kids ages 17 & 19 and I don’t have any. I have thought a lot about this recently and realised I don’t think there’s a future unless he’s option to having anymore. So I broached the subject last week and he said no. There was no discussion about it, just that he didn’t want anymore and he won’t change his mind. I feel like I’m now in a position where I either choose the relationship and miss out on motherhood or leave and take the risk of being both single and childless. I feel like I’m being forced to make a lose lose decision and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

Would you rather regret not having children or regret breaking up with a man?

It really comes down to that.

Being pragmatic the ideal solution is for you to find a man your age or maybe even a little younger.
Your bloke is 43. If you started TTC right now he would be 44 when the baby was born? When the kid was going through puberty, he would be planning his retirement. I am mid-50s and shudder at the thought of having a ten year old around with the prospect of a decade of hormone filled fun ahead. Feel tired at the very thought. People my age are dying and retiring.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but ... He may be a lovely bloke (and honest and sensible !) But he really isn't the only man left on earth.

@Sameforme9992 I hate to say this but your partner doesn't want children (with you) and you need to get out. He is stringing you along.

OP, I’d leave now. It will either result in him realising he’s made a mistake in which case he will come after to you to say he’s changed his mind and you can get on with trying or he won’t - in which you also have an answer but can get on with meeting someone else while that answer becomes absolutely clear.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think it’s more than the two variables / options, I think.....

The third variable or option she is desiring is, I believe that op wants her cake and to eat it. She wants to stay in this loving relationship with an apparently great guy.......

But she just needs to make him
See sense, HER sense !!!!

She’s had some great advice but it doesn’t fit her narrative.

She is hoping / planning to passively and consciously or subliminally unconsciously bring her bf around to her way of thinking. She may say she’ll put it on the backburner for three months but she subtly keep it simmering.

@Fabiofatshaft1 The disdain you have for people you don’t even know and for situations you have snippets of knowledge about is very strange. I refer to my previous post where I find your attitude in general very worrying & if you have a partner I hope you treat them with much more kindness that you give on here. Just an update to everyone else - my partner has since spoken to me again (off his own back) and said he feels like he’s ready to discuss having more kids. He says his first reaction was to shut it down because that was the easiest thing to do in that moment. But he’s been thinking about it a lot and he would be open to it. I now realise this was the wrong place to come and discuss my situation so I won’t be back on here after this message. But there has been some gems of great advice and some people on here who have given genuine constructive advice so I just wanted to say thank you for that before I disappear. 😊

[quote Toto2021]@Fabiofatshaft1 The disdain you have for people you don’t even know and for situations you have snippets of knowledge about is very strange. I refer to my previous post where I find your attitude in general very worrying & if you have a partner I hope you treat them with much more kindness that you give on here. Just an update to everyone else - my partner has since spoken to me again (off his own back) and said he feels like he’s ready to discuss having more kids. He says his first reaction was to shut it down because that was the easiest thing to do in that moment. But he’s been thinking about it a lot and he would be open to it. I now realise this was the wrong place to come and discuss my situation so I won’t be back on here after this message. But there has been some gems of great advice and some people on here who have given genuine constructive advice so I just wanted to say thank you for that before I disappear. 😊[/quote]

Snort.

Let us know in a few years how happy you are with the outcome of wheedling a middle aged man into a second family. (And it always will be second best).

No doubt you'll be livin' the dream and so will the poor kid.

Fact of the matter is you want a child and that is in your head and won't go away. Think of yourself very hard before you decide what to do because in years to come to may live to regret whatever you decide to do OP

Of course he did!

I could have written this would happen.

I was trying to think of a nice way of saying the op sounds quite naive. But actually I think she sounds incredibly immature.

The way she has written everything with the intention of making him the bad guy. (He must have known this would happen. He brushed the conversation aside) whereas from her interactions with people here I think she did the same thing with him - only heard what she wanted to hear.

Asks for a male perspective. Gets one. Doesn't like it so calls him cold and callous. Ignores all the posters warning her this won't end well. Thanks only the ones who give her a glimmer of hope.

On paper she's the one who changed her mind. She wasn't that bothered but now she is (perfectly fine by the way that's not the problem) but his stance hasn't changed. I don't think he's led her on or dangled her with waiting for the perfect time. He just doesn't want any more kids.

The op equating this with him not loving her enough is a very naive attitude.

But the fact is she's already 35. If she got pregnant now she would be classed as a 'geriatric pregnancy'. But she's waiting around for him to change his mind all of his own accord with no absolutely pressure from her....

I guess it's all okay as she got what she wanted before she flounced.

@Toto2021

You asked for opinions. You got them. They didn’t fit your narrative.

I hope it works out for you both.

But in short time, when your BF is up to his middle aged neck in nappies, don’t be surprised if he decides it’s not working for him and it goes tits up.

I’m sure many men and women who have children in later life finds it works out just fine.

But I’m the same age as your Bf and based on the information you have given, here is my ‘ narrative ‘

He’s either acquiescing, because he wants the quiet life and doesn’t want to deal with a younger woman’s passive aggressiveness or he’s got to be one of the stupidest men on two legs.

You asked for advice, I think your Bf is the one that needs advice.

The only experience I have if this is my ex went on to meet a wonderful lady who wanted children. He didn't (we have x3 DC) she sacrificed her chance and stayed with him.
He was an arse she was way too good for him she was amazing with my DC. He then cheated on her and she was left on her own no DC.
She has now met and married and is step mum to his children. But she would have made an amazing mum and has much sadness

I don't understand why OP got such a hard time here, tbh, whilst her partner has been endlessly defended. I think he has behaved poorly.

The way she has written everything with the intention of making him the bad guy. (He must have known this would happen. He brushed the conversation aside) whereas from her interactions with people here I think she did the same thing with him - only heard what she wanted to hear.

OP says in her latest comment that he shut the conversation down because it "seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time". That is very much in line with somebody that would have brushed these conversations away earlier. He sounds like a man looking for an easy life above all else, and who therefore didn't make it clear in the early days he didn't want any more kids. I think that's an incredibly shitty thing to do to someone in their 30s you know does want them.

@aSofaNearYou we only have the ops version of events. And I can only go from what I've seen of her interactions on here...

Yes if he said that it would be shitty. But honestly I don't think he did. Look at how she's reacted to the posts on here. She has very selective hearing. And when she doesn't get what she wants she flounces.

I'm not trying to belittle her. But she really doesn't have acres of time to play with, it's not something that can be compromised and it's a decision she'll have to live with for the rest of her life.

[quote isitsafetocomeoutyet]@aSofaNearYou we only have the ops version of events. And I can only go from what I've seen of her interactions on here...

Yes if he said that it would be shitty. But honestly I don't think he did. Look at how she's reacted to the posts on here. She has very selective hearing. And when she doesn't get what she wants she flounces.

I'm not trying to belittle her. But she really doesn't have acres of time to play with, it's not something that can be compromised and it's a decision she'll have to live with for the rest of her life.
[/quote]
Yes, but I can also see that she wrote him saying he was saying what he thought was easiest as a direct quote from him. So it is as close to the horses mouth as possible, as it were. I see no reason to disbelieve that he had fobbed the subject off rather than being VERY clear from the start that he did not want more kids, which is what he should have done.

[quote isitsafetocomeoutyet]@aSofaNearYou we only have the ops version of events. And I can only go from what I've seen of her interactions on here...

Yes if he said that it would be shitty. But honestly I don't think he did. Look at how she's reacted to the posts on here. She has very selective hearing. And when she doesn't get what she wants she flounces.

I'm not trying to belittle her. But she really doesn't have acres of time to play with, it's not something that can be compromised and it's a decision she'll have to live with for the rest of her life.
[/quote]

Yes. She clearly has a problem accepting what is staring her in the face.

And she's not considering the welfare of the offspring one tiny bit. Who needs a coerced, reluctant middle-aged father who has many other priorities in life?

Why do these women NEVER think about the best interest of the children they seem to so desperately want?

(Frankly I think this is more her attempt to muscle her way to No 1 in his life and edge the teens out of their rightful top spot. Imagine how a new baby would rob from them, in terms of their dad's time, energy, finances, etc.?)

@aSofaNearYou you mean the op's last post where she conveniently ties everything up with a positive spin as she flounces off? I don't believe one word of that post.

I do believe (as this thread has shown with examples of other women thinking they could change their partners mind) he was up front from the start and said he didn't want more children and she thought she could persuade him.

Otherwise the op would have said he was ambiguous in her first post. She didn't. She said she wasn't thinking about kids so thought she'd see how it went. It's only because her feelings have changed she's asking him again.

And besides which IF her fantastical last post is true and he has suddenly changed his mind and only brushed it aside because it was 'easier' fuck me he's hardly a candidate for dad of the year. That's who she wants to have a child with?

I've read two other threads this week with women in similar sort of situations. Neither of them got this level of response because both other women were far more level headed and considered other people in their actions. Specifically what's in the best interests for the unborn child.

Alarmingly I see none of that from the op.

(Frankly I think this is more her attempt to muscle her way to No 1 in his life and edge the teens out of their rightful top spot. Imagine how a new baby would rob from them, in terms of their dad's time, energy, finances, etc.?)

🙄🙄🙄 Right, because the main reason any woman would want a child of their own is to knock teenagers off their "rightful top spot". I think that comment is a lot more immature than anything OP has said, to be honest.

[quote isitsafetocomeoutyet]@aSofaNearYou you mean the op's last post where she conveniently ties everything up with a positive spin as she flounces off? I don't believe one word of that post.

I do believe (as this thread has shown with examples of other women thinking they could change their partners mind) he was up front from the start and said he didn't want more children and she thought she could persuade him.

Otherwise the op would have said he was ambiguous in her first post. She didn't. She said she wasn't thinking about kids so thought she'd see how it went. It's only because her feelings have changed she's asking him again.

And besides which IF her fantastical last post is true and he has suddenly changed his mind and only brushed it aside because it was 'easier' fuck me he's hardly a candidate for dad of the year. That's who she wants to have a child with?

I've read two other threads this week with women in similar sort of situations. Neither of them got this level of response because both other women were far more level headed and considered other people in their actions. Specifically what's in the best interests for the unborn child.

Alarmingly I see none of that from the op. [/quote]
Spot on.

He was clear from the start. She should have left to find an enthusiastic co-parent once her own feelings emerged. Not hung around trying to wheedle him into it at age 44.

What if you leave and then don't find someone else? What if you find you can't have children? Would you regret leaving the love of your life or is he not the love of your life?

You could go it alone and although I know many women do it is still a pretty selfish thing to do plus hard work for you especially if the child has any kind of disability.

You could have a child and find, like so many women, that you actually regret having them. If you love this man you may have a much happier life with him being childfree

@Toto2021

What did you decide 🌸

I think he’s rather unfair to not have made this clear early on. I’m 43 and dating and make it crystal clear by date 2 that more kids is not an option for me. It’s not about amount of love for a new partner but about the total lifestyle change a small child brings. I’ve been there, bought the nappy bag, no desire to repeat.

@Toto2021 he's just placating you, buying time. You'll end up waiting until he's ready...then he won't ever be. When I met my DH it was not even a question about having DC. I would have left it it had been.

He's going to be a reluctant father is he says yes. If.