Lose lose situation, which path do I choose?

[Toto2021]

When I first met my BF it did cross my mind that we might be in different stages of our lives but we clicked, I enjoyed his company and I thought I would just see what happened. Fast forward 2 years and we now live together and are very happy. However he has 2 kids ages 17 & 19 and I don’t have any. I have thought a lot about this recently and realised I don’t think there’s a future unless he’s option to having anymore. So I broached the subject last week and he said no. There was no discussion about it, just that he didn’t want anymore and he won’t change his mind. I feel like I’m now in a position where I either choose the relationship and miss out on motherhood or leave and take the risk of being both single and childless. I feel like I’m being forced to make a lose lose decision and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

@Mintychocolate I was thinking more like giving it 3 months. Like I say I won’t try & force him or go on about it but he is very much a person who says no to things straight away but often changes his mind. So even if this time there’s no wiggle room, surely a few months just to be sure means I can walk away with no “what ifs”?

3 months is good. Like you say no convincing and not even an ultimatum. Just a conversation where you acknowledge you should have discussed it early. Tell him it's a dealbreaker. And tell him in 3 months time you will either part or go forward with a CLEAR plan. Then it's his decision to make as he wished but you have control over the situation.

I'm not optimistic personally. I think he will stall and say he will do it then back out with excuses. I doubt he wants more children and I think if anything he wants more freedom. But you need to prove this to yourself rather than leave with what ifs hanging over you.

I personally think it will take me to leave for him to look at the bigger picture and change his mind. But once I leave, I have left - I won’t go back. 3 months is my timeframe & if he hasn’t come round to the idea of his own accord then I will go.

[quote Toto2021]@Mintychocolate I was thinking more like giving it 3 months. Like I say I won’t try & force him or go on about it but he is very much a person who says no to things straight away but often changes his mind. So even if this time there’s no wiggle room, surely a few months just to be sure means I can walk away with no “what ifs”?[/quote]
Why on earth would you want to saddle your prospective offspring with a reluctant middle-aged father who had to be wheedled into it??? And parents who have a relationship that appears precarious.

Think really hard about the welfare of the human being you seek to create. Find someone who enthusiastically and wholeheartedly wants to be a father. That's the responsible approach to procreation.

There is more at stake than your desire to have a baby.

"He had one other GF between me and his ex wife (who his 2 kids are with) and he met his ex GF when she had a 18 month old. So he cared for and lived with another mans young child. I know you will say it’s not the same as having your own but that fact still hurts."

It frightens me that you can't see the difference between dating a woman with a kid, and fathering one's own third child. And that you see this as a source of "hurt" to yourself.

FFS. Babies aren't dolls. They are humans whose parents' choices will ripple out for the next 70-100 years. I'm not quite sure you realize that.

Don't coax a reluctant person into parenthood. He has given you his answer. Accept it.

I would not give up my opportunity to have kids for a man.

@PerveenMistry you seen a bit too invested in this considering I’m a stranger. Take a step back from that anger of yours & read what I am saying! I am not in anyway forcing him into anything.

Perveen lay off. She knows this man and knows he often vehemently disagrees with something only to later change his mind. It's not her fault he's flaky and doesnt know his own opinions. She's not forcing him into anything. She's giving him a clear choice and he's an adult and can decide for himself. Don't project your anger at women onto her. She at no point has said she's going to try and convince him.

Thank you @Mintychocolate

We cross posted! I just thought it was way OTT and suspect it's a man posting, roll on the days of male contraception I say. I wouldn't trust it for women but it will put a stop to all the 'she trapped me' whining I would have thought! Give the incels less ammo.

Hey op

You say you think men who go on to have a child with the new partner love their partner more than your bf loves you. And you're hurt he went out with someone with a child before you.

These are not signs he does not love you more/enough/etc

I think you also need to stop with the 'He must have known this would happen' etc. You must also have known. This isn't his responsibility. You're a couple and you need to talk. Tell him how this is a deal breaker for you (if it is)

However I think he's been perfectly clear. You both have totally fair and reasonable views. Unfortunately they don't match up. Once you've had the conversation only you can decide what to do and what you will be happy with for the rest of your life

OP, there’s a thread on here that you might not have seen.

2 kids already...another one by a different dad? It’s about blended families.

It might give you perspective on your DP’s point of view. As an outsider, it’s pretty straightforward. He does not want any more children, and you want children. It doesn’t sound like he’s in any way ambivalent about his views. Give it 3 months, if you want to, and see if the answer is any different. I wouldn’t, but I’m not you.

It’s not about how much he loves you, he’s a father, and by the sounds of it, is putting his children first. You have different priorities, so if having a child is a dealbreaker for you, you need to look for someone who is at the same stage of life. The reality is, with this man, or with any other, you may or may not go on to have a child, so if you move on from your current partner, value the person, and your new relationship first. It’ll be the bedrock of whatever family you go on to have.
Good luck with your decision.

I was in a somewhat similar position - we we’re trying and it wasn’t happening and it broke our relationship. He then wanted to take a step back from tying and I didn’t so it ended. I’m making it sound quite black and white but of course it wasn’t and it was incredibly sad and drawn out.

Anyhoo - I was 36 and single but it was the best thing I could have done.

It is really hard to leave someone you love but ultimately if you have to sacrifice something as big as having children (if you want them) then it will ruin your relationship in the long run anyway.

I don’t say this to be dismissive- I’m being honest - but he is just a man. There are literally millions of them. You can love someone else, you can love many others. But you have a very limited window of having children.

@2020iscancelled how did things turn out for you, did you go on to meet someone else?

OP - did you post about this before saying you didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just have 1 child with you? And there is a difference between disagreeing on how many children to have and whether or not to have them at all because the change to your life from having children is much bigger than the change of having additional children.

Anyway, given your ages, if he doesn’t want children with you 2 years in, he isn’t going to want them when he’s older.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s very sad when a couple love each other but want incompatible things. It hurts that he doesn’t want them but he doesn’t want them because he knows that the early years of parenthood are hugely demanding. Now he has older children, he’s experienced the way in which you “get your life back” once children are older. It’s not about how much he loves you. No-one should have a child to please someone else.

Given your age, if you hang around you’re at risk of losing your chance at motherhood and your relationship with him might break down anyway. How would you feel if you gave up your chance of motherhood only to split with him anyway or - even worse - to have him go off with a younger woman and start a family with her? It happens, OP. As other PPs have said, men come and go but kids stick around.

In your shoes, if I strongly wanted children, I would be looking for a different partner and/or contemplating going it alone.

I think he really should have been clearer about this from the very start instead of brushing your concerns to the side, that was unfair of him especially when women have a limited time frame to become pregnant. If he doesn't want anymore children that's obviously completely his choice but he should have firmly said that to you before you got serious

Agreed with the above.
No man is ever worth giving up a child.

I Would leave now tbh, what will change in 3 months? Time is precious at 35

Hi op. I love my kids and really wanted them but I am enjoying the freedom that both shared custody and older children give me. I don't love anyone enough to either be with someone with young kids let alone have any more children. Life is very different.

But I wanted kids more than anything so I would never stay with someone who did not want kids , however much I loved them. But then I would also have probably gone down the sperm donation route had I not met someone.

I don't think it is an indication of his love for you but also he has already broken up with the mother of his children. So you can't guarantee staying together even if you come round to the idea of not having kids.

Having said that, maybe if faced with not having you in his life, he may decide that having kids and you in it is preferable than being without another child and without you.

Hi OP - I’m in a similar position, but two years further down the line.

Speaking from experience - the only situation in which you should stay another 3 months ‘to see’ if anything changes, is if you think there is a good chance your mind might change in that period. If you know, with certainty, that it won’t, then you should make your plans to leave now. It’s not fair on him to expect him to change his mind, he has at least (unlike my partner) been very honest with you about his views. Staying will just make the decision and outcome harder for you, and you alone.

My situation is a bit different. My partner and I both want kids, but I am ready (at the timeline we discussed early in our relationship), while he is not. I made the decision to stay ‘just three more months’ two years ago, thinking he would change his mind / be ready. It’s now two years on, and nothing has changed. I’m 37 and my chances of having children are now low (I live in a country where IVF is not permitted for single women), and it’s harder to leave than it was due to the time invested, the hopes, lost opportunities.

I know it’s not easy to leave someone you love, when everything - except this - is fine. So please trust me when I say I don’t give this advice lightly. If I could rewind two years and do it again, despite how much I love my partner deeply, I would leave. The resentment is growing, and I wish I hadn’t let it come to this.

It’s horrible, but please put yourself and your future happiness first when making this decision.

You are in a scarcity mindset. The world is an abundant place.

@Sameforme9992 I’m sorry to hear your story. What do you think would happen if you told your partner you were leaving? It is difficult to leave when you still love them but I know I wouldn’t be able to stay longer than a few months, it’s already eating away at me but in our situation right now and me knowing my partner as I do, I need to give us both a few months before making such a final decision.

You should have clearly communicated at the start of your relationship that you would potentially want kids in the future and that if he wasn’t open to having kids then that was a dealbreaker and you should have left at that point.

It’s utterly bizarre that this is something that was only seriously discussed two years in. Especially at your age, because I’m all sincerity you’re not a spring chicken and neither is he.

As for waiting a couple months, I don’t think it will make a difference. If he knows that it is something you’re prepared to leave him over and he still has said no , then clearly there’s no room to budge.

And at 35 to waste another 3 months is a huge mistake. In that time you could have moved out and completed the heartbreak healing process, had a fantastic summer with family/friends and met someone by autumn/winter.

I think three months is too long, as age 35 (no offence meant). I would say half that is plenty of time to mull over a big issue and come to a permanent decision.

I would also be open and honest with him. Tell him you love him, but you can't imagine a future without children. Ask him to agree to a thinking/discussion period, where you both talk openly and kindly about it, and promise to think fully on all the arguments for both sides. At the end of this period if neither of you have changed your minds, you leave.

I realise you might not want him to know you are considering leaving, but the trouble is that unless you actually agree to some kind of discussion/thinking period, he won't actually think about it at all. So his mind will not change.

@autumnalrain everyone is different but for me a serious discussion about kids and marriage wouldn’t happen early on. I think it takes a good 18 months to truly know someone. However I did bring it up and made it known it could come up later down the line. It also wasn’t a massive issue for me at the time we met, I might not be a “spring chicken” but I didn’t feel a massive burning desire over 2 years ago. However that’s now changed for me. But I have never once said to him I don’t want kids or implied that I don’t want them.

From my experience - three months became six, which became 12, and now two years. The longer you leave it, the harder it is to leave because of the ‘sunk cost’ of the time invested, the love, the futures and dreams built together.

Our situations are a bit different - I know my partner does want kids (but no idea when). So I’ve been (foolishly) clinging onto the hope that things will change. If he told me categorically he didn’t want kids, I would leave, immediately.

It’s painful, it really is. I am very much in your boat and delaying what I know is the inevitable. (I am overseas, and covid is impacting things a bit, but I know I can’t continue as we are beyond the summer)....