Lose lose situation, which path do I choose?

[Toto2021]

When I first met my BF it did cross my mind that we might be in different stages of our lives but we clicked, I enjoyed his company and I thought I would just see what happened. Fast forward 2 years and we now live together and are very happy. However he has 2 kids ages 17 & 19 and I don’t have any. I have thought a lot about this recently and realised I don’t think there’s a future unless he’s option to having anymore. So I broached the subject last week and he said no. There was no discussion about it, just that he didn’t want anymore and he won’t change his mind. I feel like I’m now in a position where I either choose the relationship and miss out on motherhood or leave and take the risk of being both single and childless. I feel like I’m being forced to make a lose lose decision and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

This happened to my uncle. His wife decided she didn't want children. He did, and they divorced. He met a wonderful woman who wanted children. Their daughter is an adult now, and they've been happily married for almost 40 years.

@Toto2021 well then I’m sorry but i have to side with your DP because if you gave him the opportunity to make his stance known earlier on then he would have saved you the later misery. Most people (post 30s) have that conversation in the first 6 months, heck even 6 weeks, to avoid this exact predicament.

He has kids, you don’t. So it’s for YOU to initiate the conversation (because if he wanted more kids he would have actively persuaded that over the last 17 years). I don’t think he’s the one hurting you, I think by waiting this long you have hurt yourself. And you will continue to hurt yourself until you leave.

*pursued

My honest opinion is that you are least likely to lose with option b. At your age I wasn’t a mum yet. I had my last child at almost age 43. I know lots of 42ish year mums. So you’ve got another 6/7 years yet. In your shoes I would 1) go get my fertility tested. If you can’t have kids the issue becomes not relevant at that point 2) if you are fertile then end the relationship. Get eggs frozen. Take 6 months to grieve end of relationship then start dating. By this time next year you could be pregnant. I’d never give up my chance of motherhood for a bloke. What happens if he decides to end the relationship in 5 years time? You can’t guarantee you’ll always be together. You have to focus on the bigger picture. You want kids. Go get kids. End of story. You have to be ruthless to get what you want out of life and don’t let anyone stand in your way.

He's not going to change his mind.

What do YOU want? If you definitely want children then you need to leave him now. You're already 35 and the clock is ticking.

I say that as someone who thought he might change his mind with time. Lucky enough to have a wonderful husband (different man) but no children. I really left it far too late.

If you do decide to leave then you need to broach this early on in any new relationships. "We split up because he didn't want kids." is always a good one when you get onto the conversation about why he is your ex.

I’m also of the mindset that 3 months won’t make a difference

You also need to be very wary of “dangling”. He might try and keep you dangling with promises of maybe next year or give it 6 months. He might try and wait out your fertility as you’ve got a fairly small window. If he does that say “ok well then I’ll go freeze my eggs so we’ve got a back up plan” and “I’d like you to get your speed tested so we know if it’s viable” anyone serious or invested would do this or at least have a productive conversation with a plan.

everyone is different but for me a serious discussion about kids and marriage wouldn’t happen early on. I think it takes a good 18 months to truly know someone.

I think there's a massive gap though between 'early on' and 18 months. The conversation definitely should have been had much sooner and in a clear, hard line boundary way because there's not a compromise between no kids versus a kid.

Another poster a while ago was annoyed their partner wouldn't have 'just one' as a compromise, which is madness.

It's important to you to be a mum. It's important to him not to have any more children. 4/8/12 weeks isn't going to change that, as terribly sad as it is.

You've both been clear now about what you want but you have more to 'lose' so to speak, so the onus is on you to be the one to be brave and end it.

I want to be a mum too.

I would much, much rather regret breaking up with someone than regret not having children.

We havr a male friend in this situation. He was widowed young and raised his 2 dc as a lone parent. In his mid forties he married again to a woman who was mid thirties. He says they had really Frank discussions because he did not want more kids. He was done. She said that she was fine with it but changed her mind when she got to late 30s. He didn't change his and just did not want kids. Not cos he didn't love her enough, he just didn't havr it in him.
They split up amicably and she did meet someone else and has a daughter. He is still single but only looking for someone 50 plus!
.

It sounds like you want the opportunity to have children and you may well feel resentful if you stay with him. At least he has been clear with you, not played any games or lied. Maybe try talking more at length about this, it will help to make a firm decision.

It's a tough one, OP, but if your priorities have shifted then he won't be the fella for you.

Would you consider freezing your eggs? Meeting a compatible fella with the shadow of a pandemic hanging over us could be difficult. It could buy you a bit more time and choices.

Has anyone had to leave their partner because they couldn’t agree on having kids and what was the outcome?

Not me, and not after 2 years; but friends of mine did it after 15 years. Both late 30s. They both found new partners and the friend who wants children now has them. It took her a couple of years.

He is 43 and I’m 35. We loosely spoke about it at the beginning of us dating but it was more me raising concerns and him brushing them aside.

It would have been safer to be more upfront about it yourself, and to end the relationship when he first brushed your concerns aside instead of answering you honestly. You didn't really have time for that.

Am I right to at least give us both a few months before making such a final decision

That is just putting it off and at 35 I wouldn't put the final decision off much longer. You still have time to start a new relationship and a family but the longer you leave it the less time you have.

But surely the logical thing to do is not just leave Instantly just because he said no he doesn’t want more.

If you want a family then leaving instantly is the logical thing to do. You are not going to stop wanting children and he has also made up his mind. At 25 you have more time to wait and hope, and a younger childless man might grow up and change his mind. At 35, you don't have that much time and a 43 year old with an existing family is unlikely to change.

he is very much a person who says no to things straight away but often changes his mind.

In that case give it 3 months but no longer. If he's already brushed aside your concerns that suggests that he really doesn't want more children and he's unlikely to suddenly change his mind. Still, it could happen, espeically if this is the first time you've been really clear that it is so important for you. Only don't let him fanny around - either you both start trying for a family immediately after the 3 months is up or you leave. Otherwise it's too easy for him to say "in a year or two" and never get round to it and before you know it you have run out of time.

I was in a settled committed happy relationship - house, pets and mingled finances. We had conversations early in the relationship that we both didn't want children.

Years in he suddenly did. Really really wanted kids. He thought that conversation we had in the first blush of our relationship was right for then, but open for discussion now as things were so different and our lives had changed so much. Whereas for me that conversation was a clear statement of intent.

He was absolutely heartbroken when I said no. I was never mad with him, the desire to have a child is a very strong one and people do change. He, however did not forgive me for a very long time.

He was worried about meeting someone, about ending up single, broke, alone and throwing something that was perfect away on whim* (his words not mine)

As it was he was fine - He swiftly married an old ex, had a slew of daughters. He turns up occasionally on my doorstep after a drink or two to moan about how tired and broke he is because kids take all you time and money. (and can he have a quick roll in hay as we always had a great time eyeroll)

I remained childfree but met my lovely DH who I adore (but I do have children in my life and why I stay on mumsnet)

I am your partner's age with 2 teenage kids and wouldn't contemplate having any more, no matter how much I loved my partner.

I met my partner 20 months ago and we both made it clear early on that neither of us wanted more children (he has 2 teenagers the same age as your partners). I don't know why you wouldn't have that conversation and not waste each other's time if you were on different pages.

It's not about him not loving you enough, this isn't a diamond ring, it s a baby and there is so much to consider. Maybe he doesn't want to risk having another child and potentially splitting up with his/her mother after having been there and done that, maybe he doesn't want the financial tie after 19 years, maybe he doesn't want to become a dad again at 43 (more likely older) and not be able to be the kind of dad he was with his other children due to his age, maybe he is thinking of his existing children (read any of the recent threads about blending families).

I also wouldn't want to have children with someone who had "come round to the idea". I would want it to be something we both really wanted and planned.

@Eekay actually he has strung her along, otherwise the op wouldn't be moved in and 2 years down the line when she could have been with someone who wanted children. I suspect before this conversation it did cross the op's mind but was like the elephant in the room because the relationship was going well.
I met my husband at 38 and then had my children. Time isn't on your side, OP, but it can be done if you really want children with someone else. On balance I would probably leave him.

He won't change his mind nad he has every right to not want more, not about whether he loves you or not he's just been there done that which is fair enough. Not many people will change their mind.

@Eviethyme

He won't change his mind nad he has every right to not want more, not about whether he loves you or not he's just been there done that which is fair enough. Not many people will change their mind.

You've hit the nail on the head.

How old are you? Why didn't you discuss this earlier?

@FeistySheep

I think three months is too long, as age 35 (no offence meant). I would say half that is plenty of time to mull over a big issue and come to a permanent decision.

I would also be open and honest with him. Tell him you love him, but you can't imagine a future without children. Ask him to agree to a thinking/discussion period, where you both talk openly and kindly about it, and promise to think fully on all the arguments for both sides. At the end of this period if neither of you have changed your minds, you leave.

I realise you might not want him to know you are considering leaving, but the trouble is that unless you actually agree to some kind of discussion/thinking period, he won't actually think about it at all. So his mind will not change.

I think this is perfect.

You do have to actually tell him that this is a serious issue for you. And I think I would be starting to look at renting options/moving on so that if he doesn't change his mind (and I think it's pretty obvious he won't) that I'd be out of there and into my own property by June.

And looking to start again. I also agree greatly with the pp who said I'd rather live my life on my own terms, than resentfully with someone else's choices.

Look at it another way, OP, perhaps you should wait a few months and see if you change your mind? What do you think about that?

I left the love of my life because he didn’t want kids.

We met in our early 30s, and had the conversation early on. He said he’d never wanted kids before, but having met me he could see himself changing his mind. I always wanted kids, but was happy to wait a while because I was enjoying being together.

A couple of years went by, we bought a house, got engaged, and I started to get nervous about raising the subject of kids. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that he actually didn’t want them. He was very happy with his life as it was. And sure enough, that’s what he said when I broached the subject.

We limped on for a while longer - mainly because we loved each other and still had lots of fun together - but there was always an underlying sadness because we knew decisions had to be made.

I had a lightbulb moment one Sunday. He’d been for a bike ride, the sun was shining, he’d got a promotion at work - he sat in the garden drinking a beer, and it was clear he was so happy and content. And I just knew that one day, if I sacrificed the chance of being a mother, I would resent that happiness he was feeling. I knew that resentment would turn to dislike, and then we wouldn’t have a relationship anyway.

After exhaustive conversations we realised neither of us would budge, so I left. We kept in touch, it was very amicable.

By this time I was 36, and time was running out. I was too heartbroken to think of meeting someone else, so I did it alone - IVF with donor sperm.

17 years later and I have 2 kids who I have brought up on my own. I have a wonderful partner of 5 years (we don’t live together) and I’m very happy.

My ex was single for a while, but then married a woman who also didn’t want kids. He’s happy too.

We were great together in many ways, but we just couldn’t agree on this one issue. Neither of us have any regrets.

OP, only you know how much you want children. For me, it was very important, and definitely worth the sacrifice.

Also I have to say, I can totally understand where your partner is coming from. I adore my children, and I’ve loved watching them grow, but they’re 15 and 11 now, and there’s no way I’d want to do the baby stuff again.
I’ve done my last night feeding, nappy changing, potty training, school nativity etc . Just because I loved it the first time round , doesn’t mean I want to do it again!

[quote Toto2021]@PerveenMistry you seen a bit too invested in this considering I’m a stranger. Take a step back from that anger of yours & read what I am saying! I am not in anyway forcing him into anything.[/quote]
Why don't you want better for your offspring than a reluctant father?

Women will be a dime a dozen for him if he's even halfway attractive and decent. He doesn't need to cave in order to have companionship.

You have a limited timeframe to find a willing co-parent in a difficult dating market where men your age typically want someone significantly younger. I would get right on it without delay.

@Mintychocolate

Perveen lay off. She knows this man and knows he often vehemently disagrees with something only to later change his mind. It's not her fault he's flaky and doesnt know his own opinions. She's not forcing him into anything. She's giving him a clear choice and he's an adult and can decide for himself. Don't project your anger at women onto her. She at no point has said she's going to try and convince him.

In what world is it flaky to categorically state "I've raised my kids and don't intend to start a second family." ??

It's a difficult situation for you and I would be torn between the two options too. However you might end up resenting him a few years down the line if you stay with him. If you broke up now you would have some time to get over him and find yourself again, then the summer or autumn to start dating if you felt like it.
I'm 40 now and feel like the last five years have flown by! I wasn't sure if I wanted another child (I have one son) and now the decision's been made for me by my age. Good luck with whatever you choose.