To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

@katy1213

I also think the best thing would be to leave. But if you're going to stay - just stop caring what he thinks/whines about. Why didn't you answer his calls? Tell him you have other things to do and he calls too bloody often. By the end of a week, he'll be getting the message. Should he get a takeaway? Yes, dear, that'll be nice for you when I'm out. Should he watch the film? Sure, you can catch up another night while he's doing is paperwork. If you loved him... I think you might well find that you don't really! But only you can change this. He won't - why should he? It suits him. You will find that your confidence grows exponentially once you cut the apronstrings/handcuffs.

^^ this Turn your phone off. Go to the BBQ. Ignore the squealing from him. Is he violent? or are you worried he could become violent? Tell him you are tired and you are NOT getting up at 5am.

My DH did a form of the phoning.
It is pure control and utterly selfish - DH would phone when he was in his car - so bored? or at least not doing anything of import which, of course, I was quite often doing - or at least of import to me.

You have to say stop phoning me. We can catch up at home.
It's in your hands. Stop answering.
You need to find someone for your job. You can't just stop working I shouldn't think. Tell him you want to work out of the home so are advertising for a suitable person and do it.

You can help train them up.

Then you can look for a job.

He may not be an evil person, but he is controlling you. And you have fallen into doing everything he wants.
He should respond reasonably to these changes. He might though migh make out he is a bit offended or that you are being selfish and ungrateful but things can't go on like this. You both have to get through this.
The other option is to leave, that might be easiest!

Go to family functions on your own
Let him do paperwork on his own
Find your own job
If he truly loves you he would understand you get tired, you need friends, you need a bit of space, you love your family etc.
Does he love you, or does he love that he can make you do what he wants?

He's got it so utterly made atm, controlling you completely and having you at his service while being able to tell himself a narrative of it being your 'choice' ('He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want'), that he is really not going to like any pushback. He already manages to wear you down when you try it on the small things. I think it's important, OP, to find out your position (so solicitor, as suggested by a PP) and also let someone outside know what is going on (preferably both someone close to you and a professional/organisation) before you start making any moves (that are obvious to him) to free yourself.

For the avoidance of doubt, he knew exactly what he was doin. He knew you were very young and very used to being controlled and he picked up where your mother left off. He has taken advantage of the values with which you were raised and perhaps a tendency to passivity and people-pleasing in your personality and he has you exactly where he wants you. You are still young and you are rightly feeling the stirrings of wanting to reclaim your life. You've seen what's going on. Tread carefully, not for his sake, but for your safety. Eyes on the prize - a life of your very own - not without struggles and difficulties, but yours.

Is there an element of sunk cost fallacy in this relationship because you've been together so long and it's all you've ever known as an adult?

I'd start spending short amounts of time with other people. At least carve out a bit of time with other people. It's never healthy to only spend time with your partner even in a good relationship.

I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm.

This jumps out at me. What would happen if you went to bed?

Now you realised you are unhappy the way you live. You can change. If he keeps going on about why you want to go, just say because you want to. That's good reason enough.

This is definitely coercive control. Can you remember ever saying no to him, even on a small thing? If you did, did he manage to get you to change your mind more or less immediately?

I think you need to call women’s aid and talk to them, tell them everything. It’s not as simple as LTB or standing up for yourself. He has systematically worn you down over the past 20 years, so much so in fact, you’ve had to come on mumsnet to ask if you’re being unreasonable to have an opinion (like your life is a prison). I’m glad you did btw, that in itself is a big step, reaching out and talking to others even if it’s people you don’t know online. I won’t lie reading your OP made me feel anxious and suffocated, but you’re living it and I can only imagine how you feel. I hope you do get out. I can’t see you being able to stay with him and have anything for yourself or really any freedom, he’s not going to like that and most importantly, he’s not going to let you.

He abusive and completely controlling you. Obviously you need to get away from this man but because you haven’t been able to think for yourself for so long, making that decision might seem overwhelming right now. So taking baby steps might be better?

Now that you have started to realise what he is like, you won’t be able to unsee it. You might also start remembering lots of other things he has done to control and manipulate you and mess with your head.

Could you contact Women’s Aid for advice?

Start making choices OP. Choose not to sit at the dining room table with him. Choose to go to the BBQ at your mum's. If he goes on and on and on about it, just keep saying "I really want to go to the BBQ and see my family" or "I don't want to sit at the table tonight". Just keep saying it over and over again.

You say that your life looks perfect from the outside. Are you sure? I bet that, if they were being honest, your mum and sisters and friends feel sorry for you - stuck with this annoying, controlling, grumpy man. I think you've told yourself that your life looks perfect because that's what he wants you to believe.

You have had some excellent advice on here OP so I won't add to it however if you don't make some changes soon, in the blink of an eye you will be 46, 56, 66 and so on and still living like this. 36 is still very young and you still have time to have a good and fulfilling life. I hope you gather the strength and support needed to find a new you and to actually start living.

I think the only answer is for you to get some counselling on your own. With a view to helping you unpick how your life got to this in the first place and to help you find the strength to make your own decisions going forward. It might even take a few years but you’ve taken the first step by posting here

Fwiw I was in a similar position in my early 30s in that I had totally lost any sense of what I wanted and counselling was an absolute life saver

I do hope you’re still reading. He is recreating his childhood family dynamic and controlling you in the same way as he was controlled. You only have to read threads from women, whose partners or ex’s coercively controlled them even before they ttc. Every time without fail, the man got worse once the woman got pregnant and the abuse was stepped up, abusing the children or turning them against their mother.

He sounds like the sort of man, who would have a vasectomy behind his wife’s back and not tell her because he doesn’t want children. Then allow her to waste all her fertile years on him. I’m not saying he has done so. But that he potentially would.

He does not care about you. Only what you can do for him. If he cared about you at all, he would have made you a partner in the business to ensure you had financial independence, he would not complain about your family and attend events to support you and he would support you in your growth.

By the sound of it, you run the business more than him. Log the hours he and you both work, gather together the business financials, make copies of his income and leave. Divorce. Don’t look back. Give it a couple of years and you will feel like a new woman. You may even settle down and find someone. It sounds as though the likelihood of having children with him is zero.

You may think you want children with him but you really don’t. He would treat you worse and abuse your children. Probably feel an enormous amount of jealousy the child was taking you away from him. Your children would then become as screwed up as him (as right now you cannot protect yourself, let alone anyone else). Do you really want to bring a child up to feel as he does, who may even cut you out of their lives in adulthood?

@namechangeforadvicepls
I’d ask MN to swap this over into Relationships as you’ll get some good advice from the ‘Nest of Vipers’ 😁 who reside on there.

I have absolutely been where you are now. I get it.

The subtle coercive control.

Mine would get back home from his hobby, and not only expect hot dinner on the table at 10 at night, but me to be still fully dressed and ready to eat it with him. He lost his shit when I opened the door wearing my pjs, having eaten earlier. So, similar to your paperwork scenario.

And many many other situations that any sane person would be saying ‘WTF?’

I started by researching and attending The Freedom Programme. It’s available online to do yourself or many charities run them via Zoom. You’ll no doubt have a raft of lightbulb moments, and it helps to clarify them.

Get an appointment with a solicitor. They’ll all work via Zoom or telephone. Then you’ll know your rights if you decide to leave.

You need to get into your head that Knowledge is Power. Seriously.

I sat on my pockets of knowledge for quite a while (2-3 years) but it allowed me to view my situation more objectively, and ultimately to then leave.

@MrsTerryPratchett - kudos to the 70 year old.

I have friend in similar situation and I’m having to sit on my hands.

Take control of your life!

Without being horrible, it sounds like nobody made you do any of this stuff, you just weren't assertive. Start a degree, tell your husband you won't be helping with the business, start working on your weight, go to events without your husband! You're still young but no time like the present.

Start today.

Also tell your husband you'll be leaving him if he doesn't stop being an arse.

It sounds like he thinks the 2 of you are a partnership, which you are, but that doesn't mean you don't get to have your own life too! I'm not sure I'd be all out ltb but you do need to break free, get your own hobbies, see your family no matter what he says. Push through the first time and bloody argue if you need to. And start exercising and eating well and phone family and friends, create a life. Do at least 1 thing today that makes you feel good

Sorry, hit enter too soon. Best of luck op

Did you post about this last year?
I recall a similar thread that started with him wanting to set your bedtime?
If it is you then what happened to all your plans? I hope you’re able to get out soon

@namechangeforadvicepls

It sounds so simple but it doesn’t feel possible to actually do those things. If I don’t answer he will ring repeatedly until I do or when I do answer the next time he wants to know why I didn’t answer before. I feel so far removed from my old friends, they’re all in the middle of young children and toddlers and it’s painful for me as I would love nothing more than to have a baby. I think that’s been part of the issue, we’ve been TTC for ten years and I’ve been so busy looking at that and I have barely noticed that the walls have closed in around me. It’s only now that I have realised I’m probably not going to be a mum that I’ve truly felt the impact of everything else.

As others have said, I think it would be a very bad thing to have children with this man. Apart from it being a toxic atmosphere in which to raise children, it would be much harder to leave. You’ve been with him since you were a child, he’s more like a father than a husband, and a very domineering one at that. Have a look at this:- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4190146-I-have-a-secret-I-need-to-spill-divorce-and-home-related

Enough already OP.
You only have one life and when that's gone it's gone.
How will you feel at 80 years old sitting in your home, with no friends, no kids, no relatives and nothing to say to him any more. With nothing to look forward to, no grandchildren. I've seen people like that - I work in the NHS and I want to scream at the utter waste of a life.
if you leave now you can have a job, get gastric surgery (I did and lost half my body weight), meet someone, have kids, have a future.
When I left my abusive first husband I was terrified but after a few months the freedom felt incredible.
I had gastric surgery, lost all the weight, made friends, started living a life.
I shudder to think what my life would be like if I was still there, I'm 60 now, this was 30 years ago. i finally have a life and I'm happy.
All it took was some bravery and that one day when I'd had enough.

Of course he'll ring repeatedly, my ex did. You block him on your phone, on email, on social media. if he keeps turning up at the house call the police. This is abuse, controlling abuse is a crime now.
The way he has treated you is no better than if he had beaten you to a pulp. You have admitted it on here - it means you are ready to think about leaving.

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

Also tell your husband you'll be leaving him if he doesn't stop being an arse.

I think OP would be better advised to make her plans but not tell him. Given how she’s described him he’ll make it very difficult for her to leave.