To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

Have you posted about this before? There was a PP who'd got a place on a teacher training course but he wouldn't 'allow' it.
Please get some contraception.
When he rings just say you were busy , in the shower , in the loo , the garden.
Honestly you've come to the realisation he's a controlling prick - tell him you will not have it anymore or LTB.
Good luck

I also think the best thing would be to leave.
But if you're going to stay - just stop caring what he thinks/whines about. Why didn't you answer his calls? Tell him you have other things to do and he calls too bloody often. By the end of a week, he'll be getting the message. Should he get a takeaway? Yes, dear, that'll be nice for you when I'm out. Should he watch the film? Sure, you can catch up another night while he's doing is paperwork. If you loved him... I think you might well find that you don't really!
But only you can change this. He won't - why should he? It suits him.
You will find that your confidence grows exponentially once you cut the apronstrings/handcuffs.

I don't think much of the advice you've had so far is useful because it assumes that you can just choose to go against him. At the moment, you can't. If someone had kept you helpless in a bed for years you wouldn't be able to just get up and walk out - your legs would be atrophied, it'd take a long time for you to get your strength back. This is similar, only it's your mind and self-preservation instinct that needs time. You've taken a massive first step (excuse the pun!) by posting here - for most people just coming to the realisation that the situation is wrong and unbearable is a hurdle they can't get over. You're over that now and you have to keep moving forward, no matter how slowly.

Is there someone, anyone, in real life that you can talk to? If so, your first step should be to lay it all out for them. It's good to talk here but talking to a person is better and more effective.

If you don't have someone to talk to you should consider contacting a professional - your GP (they can be rubbish though so approach with caution), Women's Aid, even the Samaritans, someone who can listen and potentially provide some help or support.

You're in a serious domestic abuse situation with a man who controls your every move. Do you have any feeling, no matter how unsubstantiated that if you did go against him could turn violent or do something dangerous?

This will only change if you decide to take back some control. You can start by simply telling him you are going to the bbq, you are too busy to talk right now, you have decided you prefer the Juke.

Of course he won’t like it. In fact he will make your life more miserable which leads to the question as to why you are staying with someone who makes you unhappy? It’s so very easy to say LTB but in your situation it is doable. You have family, you sound as if finances are sound.

Talk to someone you trust and see if they look relieved. Also have a chat with your GP as you sound depressed. Ask for support in losing weight. I would suggest asking for investigation into your problems with TTC but frankly a baby will only make this more difficult.

Good luck. You are young and can change yourself but unfortunately not him.

LTB.
If you don't, you will live and die like this.

OP, what advice would you give to your sister or a daughter if she was in this situation?

My advice would be to leave. This isn't healthy. But if that doesn't feel possible just yet:

Push through the awkwardness when he guilt trips you about seeing your family (or anything else). You don't have to actually feel bright and breezy, but reply as though you are: "Awww, yeah I am out that day, sorry!". Also practice responses for if he pushes past passive aggressive into "I don't want you to go because I don't like X" - "No, I know you don't, that's why I'm going by myself".

You have to give yourself permission to do things that aren't explicitly 'allowed' by him. You're a grown woman, you can do what you want and see who you want. Remind yourself of that. If he doesn't like you getting even the merest hint of a backbone then you know he's only interested in a version of you he can control.

It's hard, because you are conditioned now to avoid that awkwardness and the sulking and the questions - you will do or say anything to avoid it, because it feels like he makes your life not worth living for a bit. But realistically, he can have his sulks. He still isn't allowed to tell you you can't visit your family.

Allow yourself to be uncomfortable with his behaviour (because it's wrong, even though you've been taught to feel you're the one that's wrong) and do what you want to anyway. You're going to be uncomfortable either way, you may as well do what you want.

Of course, I still think you should leave. I don't think people that controlling are salvegeable and it's not your job to salvage it anyway. But if you can't yet, or you're scared, practice making decisions for yourself, not to avoid his control tactics.

Your in an abusive relationship. He manipulates you into not seeing people and isolates you from them with his guilt trips. Excessively rings you and wants to know why you didn't pick up before.

Honestly you need to leave, he won't change and you deserve happiness.

Take some time to think about what you'd like to do with your life. You don't need to talk to him about it, or have any practical plans yet - they can come later. Just start to think about what would make you happy.

Do you want to go back to education?
Do you want to have a different job?
Do you want to travel again?
Do you want to spend more time with your family?
Make new friends?
Are you unhappy with your weight and want to get fit?

You can do all / none of these... but you need to decide for yourself what you want to do. Not what he wants, or what will be convenient for him.

• I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money".

  You have half his assets, plus 20 years experience in business, working from home. WFH skills are now at a premium thanks to covid. Your DH is completely dependent on your WFH skills.

Those are YOUR assets, skills, and future prospects.

You could make a start on a  major life change   by copying your post here to email and  sending it to him. 

 Either, light dawns for both of you ; and you can  find a way forward together.

 Or , you  call on your mother and sisters for support, find a solicitor, and  start planning the next stage of your life as a single woman with   two decades of transferable employment skills and experience.  

  Your choice.I know you can do it.

Can you arrange to see your sisters, when he starts that shit about having a takeaway or watching a film without you, you say 'yes, you enjoy yourself, I'm definitely going to see them' and walk off. He should realise you mean it.

He is NOT a good man.

You have to decide, now you have seen through him, what you want to do.

1, Stay the way you are. Bow down to him, keep things the way they are. If you want this life then it could be okay. Not that fulfilling but a simple, safe life.

2, Decide you want things to change. Tell him you are no longer going to sit with him, answers the phone all day long, not go to things where your sisters are. I actually would sit him down and say 'things are going to change'. And then do it! If he says 'oh , yes you won't be here will you' just say No, I won't. If he says why do you feel the need to go say 'because I want to'.

You need to decide to do what you want. And then do it.

You have to be the change. He won't unless it is forced. You may break up. That doesn't sound like the worse thing to me.

This sounds very sad. If you can't have a baby (and at 36 it certainly is not over yet) then this limited existence with him isn't going to be enough, it's not fulfilling or fun enough. In fact, with a baby with him you would be even more trapped and be unable to make friendships and move on with life, it would be very isolating.

It may be a terrifying thought to leave, but more terrifying to still be where you are in 2,5, 10 years.

If you feel you can't speak to him and tackle your unhappiness together then I would be making plans to leave, not today, but soon.

@mcmooberry

This sounds very sad. If you can't have a baby (and at 36 it certainly is not over yet) then this limited existence with him isn't going to be enough, it's not fulfilling or fun enough. In fact, with a baby with him you would be even more trapped and be unable to make friendships and move on with life, it would be very isolating.

It may be a terrifying thought to leave, but more terrifying to still be where you are in 2,5, 10 years.

If you feel you can't speak to him and tackle your unhappiness together then I would be making plans to leave, not today, but soon.

This...

I'd be really worried about you having the same thoughts and feelings in 5/10 or 15 years...
. Your LIFE and YOU are worth so more than this...

Yes he may have had a rubbish early life... Sadly many people have... This DOES not give them the right to behave like this.

Seriously!

Who made him your BOSS?!

He already is abusive PRSecrets. I don’t think telling OP to try and salvage it is good advice. OP the fact you’ve posted on here is a start. If you contacted any family members and told them what you’ve written here would they help you make a plan to leave? Could you call them while he’s out at work?

I spent an hour today with a woman in her 70s who just left. She spent 50 years with her version of this and finally left. No money, no savings, no resources.

Don't let that be you.

You've woken up to what's being done to you and that's fantastic. No more sleep walking.
You can absolutely get free of him.
Talk to a solicitor asap. Find out exactly where you stand financially and regarding the home and business.
Don't, whatever you do, let him get wind of this.
Once you are armed with the facts you can make a plan. A solid plan will help your confidence and give you courage.
And definitely tell someone and ask for support. Ask for help to leave safely. You deserve it.
Chances are, your mother and sisters will be totally relieved. They probably see more than they've let on as is often the case.
Best of luck. You really can have an independent, happy life. You have years and years ahead of you. Don't give them away to him

I'm sure it seems overwhelming now but just do one thing today to remove yourself from your situation. And tomorrow do another thing and then another until you're rid of him. What a horrible controlling man.

You're being controlled and you need to leave.

Good luck, OP - I hope you manage it. You would be so much happier; it would be a whole new life for you.

He sounds awfully controlling OP. I think you might do well with some counselling (not couple counselling) and maybe find ways of seeing your friends and family behind your husband's back, to avoid the drama meantime.

This sounds less like you are really being controlled (abusive spouse) and more than you have fallen into a really unhealthy dynamic and patter.

You can make changes. Reclaim your life and make small changes. Talk to him and tell him you feel smothered and need to make some changes. Tell him the first few you are making. For example - going to your moms without him as you want to see her more, not staying up all hours with him as you need your sleep, etc. He may be confused about why now but you don't make him sound like he has a temper. You both have really small worlds and they have just become way too enmeshed. I would talk to him and tell him you need to make changes.

Can you talk to a counsellor as well who can support you in making the decisions about what changes to make and how to respond to his responses?

He's abusive op. Please don't have children with him. The best thing you can do is seek legal advice and make a plan to leave.

Yes this is coercive control

Tell him you’re extremely unhappy and go stay with your mum for a few days to think things through. Ignore any comments.

You're blaming all your life choices on him. At some point, you have to become responsible for your own decisions in life, and not abdicate that to another person.