To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

It would be a great idea to leave him, especially since there are no children. You are young enough to start over. You could even go to university.

Oh good heavens. Just no. You need to take control back of your own life. This man is manipulating the crap out of you.

You do have a say in your own life, you know? Wear him down instead of him wearing you down. Go to your family. Go to bed earlier with a good book. Do whatever pleases YOU. In the meantime, get evidence of how much the business is making in case you leave in the end. But it’s time to put your foot down and some boundaries in place.

I agree totally with comments other posters have said already !

36yrs age
Is still young !

Young enough to leave this extreme controlling/emotionally (coreheisive manipulative man !

And to meet a much better man in the future,

Don't waste any more of your life with this very selfish egotistical man child !

You need to as soon as possible explore look up the various different kinds of Therapies out there on the internet !

You will surprised how much choice of Therepies out there,

(I think cause you mentioned in the past you had the experience of a very controlling mother as a child,

Good Counselling therapy will help you in a safe envoriment ,to gain much needed insight(clarity) why you have settled for this crap type of relantship and how your childhood background experience has played a major part in this,
when you have gained awareness of the reasons why this has happened,
it will give you much needed Cofindence ,plus it will help you to have the Cofindence to put personal boundaries in place to protect yourself emotionally, and in turn will help you to free yourself from the emotional bondage(baggages from your childhood that has kept you trapeed in your emotional prison of a your current relantship/circumstances too.

Also look up CBT cognitive behavioural Therapy aswell as this will hell you to deal more effectively with personal issues /stresses holding you back by helping you to put in place effective ways to do this !

I don't think much of the advice you've had so far is useful because it assumes that you can just choose to go against him. At the moment, you can't. If someone had kept you helpless in a bed for years you wouldn't be able to just get up and walk out - your legs would be atrophied, it'd take a long time for you to get your strength back. This is similar, only it's your mind and self-preservation instinct that needs time.

Totally agree @TheDailyCarbunkle. IMHO it’s way too big a leap to go from OP’s emotional situation now to starting a degree in a few months for example.

OP, you say “My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy”, so my suggestion is to break all these barriers down into manageable chunks. Start on just one, for example the financial part. Find out what benefits, if any, you’d be entitled to if you divorced, and speak to a solicitor and find out what situation you’d be in financially if you split. Or/and contact Womens’ Aid. None of these actions create waves in your relationship as you’re not having to change your behaviour around your DH or confront him in any way, so they don’t add to the stress. What they do however is give you information and, as the saying goes “knowledge is power”. You don’t need to do anything with the information but you will then be aware of your options, which hopefully will give you a little confidence. It’s about building your mental strength up little by little. Of course, if you feel able to push back at him now then try that too, and see if you can visit your family without it causing more issues than you feel it’s worth.

I had this sort of behaviour from my partner to a degree. We still live together but the control stopped a long time ago. We have a shit relationship but I now do what I want and make my own decisions. What changed was me becoming more assertive and telling him that his opinions and feelings mattered less than mine. It has destroyed the relationship but I do now have control of my own life. I see friends and talk on the phone when I want. I buy stuff I want. I go and see my famy when I want etc etc. It helps that I have my own job. Do not have children with him. I had two and I think that weakened me and made it so much harder. He didn't want to lose that control as he was scared I would leave and take kids as children are now much older that has receded. Dont waste your life. Leave him.

IMHO it’s way too big a leap to go from OP’s emotional situation
True but we don't know, nor does teh OP what her DH's response is going to be to her pushing back.
He possibly has no clue how she feels, she hasn't told him, hasn't complained.
He was brought up in a controlling home, he has nothing to compare it to.
He might grudginly understand her unhappiness. Obviously if he becomes angry and violent she would have to leave.

OP, what might happen if you do the following -

Stage 1: evaluate your skills and CV, and consider what might get you a job, or what gaps need filling, or how you might get about beginning to feel and be healthier as a mini project for a finite number of weeks. With small targets set for yourself. Then once you are in a position where you can feel that being financially independent of him is a likelihood then

Stage 2: ask him to join you for a sit down conversation, perhaps outside or at home, and very calmly spell out the reasons for which being with him - as things stand - is no longer viable, communicate your alternatives, without pleading and begging and emotions.

What might happen if you took charge of things step by step?

OP, you have lots of choices, I hope you know that.
My life got similar and my DH has really narrowed it but not because he's controlling but because he hates change and has no friends. I used to live within the confines that made him happy but they made me unhappy. I just stopped. I started going out more, doing things alone if he didn;t want to come. He was a bit shocked at first but I explained that I needed more social stimulation than he did and he got used to it. That's the key - how he reacts. If he tries to control you, you need to get out of the marriage. If he's just set in his ways, you can consider if you want to make radical changes but stay.

Start doing things you want to do and if he objects ask why. You can go to BBQs he doesn't want to go to. DH hasn't attended any family events with me for years. No one even asks where he is or how he is these days!

Look into studying. You are eligible for a loan. And don't choose OU or online. You sound like you want to be out in the world meeting people and attending live lectures.

Talk to him. Tell him you feel stifled and that you have gone along with what he asks without realising it's not what you want. If he's a decent man, he'll care and support the changes you need to make you happy. If he's not, you can leave and be glad you don't have the complication of children with him. You are still young enough to have children with someone else.That might sound dramatic, but it's a possibility. You have lots of choices.

Also look up into with your local college and internet !
Access courses too!

There is a Access course I think would be ideal for you such as the introduction to Access course
(or foundation to Access course

this is a six month course that will prepare you emotionally etc towards doing the other Access courses in near future.

Access courses have a wide range of choose of courses too such which is really good.
you will find this out for yourself.

these Access courses are for mature students to give people students a second chance at education who for whatever reasons for e.g who maybe did not do so well at school, or for other reasons etc.

Instead of doing exams you will be almost continuously accessed throughout the course by having assigments .
once you have completed so many assignments
you will have the option of going into further eduction, such as universisty !

I have been on these type of courses myself.

Life is far too short to settle for unsatisfying toxic soul destroying relantships !
Covid 19 has illustrated this !

Go for it !

You sound a very Capable and emotional intelligent/intelligent young woman !

let us know how you get on too !

you know you will get emotional support to help you believe in yourself again !

I felt sad for you reading how this man makes you feel /treats you !

You are worth far more than this !

This is so desperately sad, he controls your entire life

I would start with going to family events and telling him you will text when you arrive and text when you leave but you are turning your phone off in between. You can tell him you are going as late in the day as possible.

Tell your family what is going on and how unhappy you are if you can trust them to not tell him.

I would look for a job and stop working for him.

Although before this I would be taking a look at how his business is structured and all your finances so if you divorce you get 50:50 of it all.

www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#getting-out

Look how many of the factors that indicate you are being coercively controlled apply to you OP.

The PP that suggested you need to break things down into manageable chunks makes a good one. Get on a women's aid course, online or in person. Find out from a solicitor what your financial entitlement would be if you left. Start to see a counsellor - you can do this online and sit in the car on your phone if you can't see them in person - but make sure it's a really good one who specialises in supporting people in abusive relationships, not someone you go to just to talk things over. Start exercising every day, even if it's a walk round the corner. Go to occasional events with your family, even if he complains or tries to manipulate you.

Ignore the PPs who say you're not being manipulated, either they are in the same situation or they don't understand coercive control: this man has systematically made your life smaller in all ways and he will not stop. His reasons for doing this are irrelevant to you. He needs to deal with his own issues, you cannot.

This can be the start of your life OP. Make sure you never meet a man like this again. You are vulnerable to controlling people so you need to learn to spot the red flags so it never happens in future.

This kind of control creeps up on you, and you don’t see it coming initially. It becomes your normal eventually and you just live it. It chips away at you throughbthe years until, as in your case, you suddenly come to the realisation what’s happened. But now you feel scared of setting foot outside of your prison because your life has been so controlled that you’re scared to have your own opinions or make your own decisions. You have to start reclaiming your life and start doing what you want to do. And then once you feel strong enough you leave and make your own life. It will be difficult because the person who controls you will fight against it and try and push you back down, but you have to be strong. You can do it OP.

Your post is chilling OP. You are not your own person, you are his person, totally and utterly his possession. I feel so bloody sad for you.

Please ask someone for help to get away from this abusive relationship.

He has got used to your compliance. Stand up for yourself. He is acting like a bully and he will have to take stock of things if he realises he cannot control you. Marriage should be a partnership. You have to tell him that you want some independence. Tell him you don’t care for the car and would like your own. Can you drive? If not learn to as soon as things open up. There are all sorts of courses to go on. Make sure you don’t miss out on family and friends. If you are having to work with him in the evenings and early morning then you are due time off when it suits you. Take one step at a time but make sure each step is taken with quiet, positive confidence.

Don't feel emotionally guilty or emotionally blackmailed into feeling trapped into staying any longer or much longer into this dead in the water relantship !

He is just using you !

(He knows you could do a lot better for yourself in life without him,
But he uses your tendancey, to be a natural people pleaser, against you,
like a weapon to (beat) wear,you down,
"so you know your place,"
so your self Cofindence is kept so low, you will be more malleable, to stay in this shit situation,
as you will too emotional verbally down trodden to be aware that you could do a lot and are very capable enough to leave him and be a successful in your own right.!

Just cause he had a shit childhood don't be emotionally black mailed trapped into feeling you have to be his emotional rescuer /healer as he the bad luck misfortune to have had a shit traumatic child hood !

Its up to him to get therapy to deal with his own emotional baggage issues from the aftermath of his shit child hood experiences !
Not you.!
(He has no intention of ever doing this !
this translates to me is that he will never change !
He has no awareness of his flaws or how his emotional baggages are affecting him or you
Plus he could not care any less about about improving your marriage. !
He only cares about himself !
He is far too cormfortable the way things are !
Does not see any need for changes to improve etc.!
In this marriage you are stagnanting
emotionally your are stuck so much that you feel emotionally that you are dying a thousand deaths by paper clips !
Get out of this !

OP, he's controlling you. You have to wake up and smell the coffee

Speak to your mum and your sisters. They will no doubt be able to see what is happening to you. You need the blinkers to come off.

It's called coercive control

namechange you sound very like me when I was still married. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. My husband's abuse was SO subtle, so easily deniable, but it was very similar to yours.

When my Women's Aid support worker said "He was controlling you" I said "But he never stopped me from seeing anyone" but she pointed out he manipulated me into deciding I didn't want to see them. Now that I'm out of it and my head is clear, I wonder how I could have allowed that to happen but I was absolutely under his spell. I thought I still loved him (even though I really didn't like him at all anymore) but it was trauma bonding.

Recently I looked back at some old posts of mine on MN and see that I mentioned his controlling of me so I did realise at some point but my mind had obviously blanked that out for years afterwards.

I strongly suggest you contact Women's Aid, they won't force you to leave if you're not ready. They will support you and talk through any of your concerns. You are who they are there for

Don't tell your husband you know what he's doing. Try and get some RL help but please keep posting

@namechangeforadvicepls have you ever said “no” to him and stood by your decision? Try that next time. If he guilt trips you or gets violent then it’s time to leave. You need to have a conversation with him about how you feel.

If you don’t feel comfortable about this, then you need to leave him. Relationships are about feeling happy and comfortable around someone. You could also benefit from seeing a therapist.

“He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.*

You could have still gone to uni! You could’ve travelled in the summer holidays.

If he does have some emotional awareness of how his flaws and emotional baggages are affecting you and himself

He has Clearly said and shown
you he could not care a shit !

Aslong as everything goes his way
Its his way or the high way !

There is No Compromises
As he is a Selfish Control Freak !

He falls out with your family and his own.!
and does not want you to mix with friends too !
in case they see him for what he really is that's why !
and that they will tell you that you deserve far better than this and him !

He is very worried that the public charade mask the fake one,will slip and this public persona mask will be exposed for the fakeness he really is !

He knows family and friends will encourage and support you to do better in life !!

He does not want you to become fully aware !
He wants you to carry on sleep walking into the abyss !
Slowly dying into the shell of what you have become !
He was proberly envious on the quiet that you were once outgoing a bit of extrovert had good friends
and cause you had this and he struggles to be able to socialise /have inter personal skills etc,
he feels /gives him much needed Cofindence booster for himself to knock you down,so he feels better less adequate,
very much like the school bully who verbally emotional abuses someone at school,cause his home life he is made to feel very small and insecure etc

There is loads of good advice on here but I agree with pp that much of it is too big of a leap for right now. I think you should start with one thing. Maybe not sitting at the table doing the accounts. Do you sit doing nothing or are you occupying yourself at the same time? You could perhaps start by reading a book in the same room. Then as you start to get your confidence you can add other things. You can always catch the film while he’s doing paperwork one night if he’s already seen it.

But start by choosing 1 thing you feel able to change 💐

I agree it might be too hard for you to make big changes right now but even small improvements will help. I recently read a book called tiny habits in which the author explains how even tiny changes to your daily habits will make a big difference over time as they alter the direction you are travelling in. Even a 1 degree shift in direction makes a big difference over time, plus changes will increase exponentially as you grow in confidence. Just start with a small easy thing that you can do every time but signals to you a tiny step in the way you want to go. Maybe reading more about feminism if that's something that interests you.

Oh gosh you need to find the strength to take your life back. Does he expect you to sit at the table with him and what happens if you say you can't? At 36 you are still young, you can get your education, a caterer and have children. The strength and determination has to come from you , the fact that you have posted here is a huge start , everyone is here for you x

Have you posted about him before?

Or is there another dickhead that uses "we'll get your favourite takeaway" as a form of control?

There’s a fair few posts here telling you to talk to him. Don’t do that, one of the few things on your side here is his lack of awareness that you know you’re being controlled. Seek help, and make plans. Get out of this marriage. You can build a better life for yourself. Good luck. Keep posting.

@SnuggyBuggy

Is there an element of sunk cost fallacy in this relationship because you've been together so long and it's all you've ever known as an adult?

I'd start spending short amounts of time with other people. At least carve out a bit of time with other people. It's never healthy to only spend time with your partner even in a good relationship.

^^This with with bells on. Pandemic I think has made it more obvious that you are isolated maybe. Start small and don't pander to him when he moans. Don't convince yourself it's better to not say anything that is a short term fix to thinking you are keeping the peace. You sound really unhappy anyone would be. Start taking back some control in your life. Go to family functions and start building up stronger relationships even within your family. He must start to know you can't be controlled and micromanaged. Build on that and get more confident. It will be hard but saying nothing for a quite life is a miserable life.