To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

I did an NHS degree in my late 40's and have a wonderful career now. Its never too late to get that job and career that you want.

I was in a similar relationship dynamic from a young age (also had no children together).
I basically conceded to everything he wanted because to stand my ground was never worth it.
He was clever, never showing his true colours to the outside world. Everyone thought we were very happy together.
There were many straws that broke that camels back but I eventually found the courage to leave.
And it was awful for a long time afterwards.
Justifying my decision to family members who didn’t have a clue.
Leaving the martial home that I had spent years contributing to financially.
Living in a room in a shared house because that was all I could afford on my own.
And then the cherry on the cake. He met someone else and she was pregnant before our divorce was even finalised while I spent years alone.

All that said. I am so much happier now. Remarried. Children who I love. A new home. A new life. A different life. A considerate life. An existence that isn’t full of fear or doubt.

Totally worth it.

Op be glad that you have noticed the pattern, and you are aware your life is eroding away - this is so important because now you can see it, the next small step is starting to introduce changes to your life.

Start small. I went to a bookclub once a week, you can start with something else. Instead of meeting your mum at home, ask her to walk with you instead. Take much more seriously time to work out, he keeps you away from life by keeping you fat and I imagine overfeeding and food is a big part of your joint life together.

Break away from his choices, every time he suggests a car/takeaway/paint colour. Ask yourself - what colour do I like? What car would suit me? Every single time. Then tell him you would rather go for A,B & C Start asserting yourself and slowly it will become second nature. There will either be resistance from him, in which case you can not continue to be a shell so level with him, you either start listening to my opinions and choices or we separate. I can not live in your shadow any longer.

If he loves you he will change.
If he doesn't change, then you are just serving his needs and nothing more. And I would suggest you consider leaving. You are still more than young enough to change this.

Please get some counselling regarding your self esteem and lack of boundaries, you have allowed him to move into your life and encroach on every last part of it.

I would also send out some messages to your old friends, I am sure they would love to hear from you. It is worth a shot.

You can live in the sunlight op, you don't need to hide in the shadows.

Thank you so much for all your replies.

It does scare me, the thought of thinking I will try and make it work but what if I look back in ten years time, after ten years of all this same miserableness, and think why didn't I just leave.

I think it's come to a bit of a head at the minute because I have actually booked for weight loss surgery in a months time. It was always his idea that he would suggest to me, although he didn't force me, but I don't know if I want to go through with it. I'm scared that I would go through the surgery but because I feel so depressed all the time, that without changing anything else in my life I would still just eat any way and it would fail.

I find it so incredibly hard to make decisions. I can always see everything from both sides, and so I end up going around and around in circles in my mind and doing nothing.

@gladysthegroovymule I won’t lie reading your OP made me feel anxious and suffocated, but you’re living it and I can only imagine how you feel.

It makes me feel anxious and suffocated. That's exactly the right way to describe how I feel every day.

It might be easier not to go to the bbq but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go. Tell him you want to see your family. If he says if you love me you wouldnt go, say if you loved me you wouldnt stop me. Is he paying you for all these hours you work?
I think you need to get out of this, and fast.

You have been with him since you were a child, and he has controlled you all that time. You need support to start to build yourself up again. Go to Women's Aid. A good therapist will really help you to start to make small steps.

You do not have to do this alone. There is a lot of support out there, emotional support, advice, practical support and support to get you into employment.

Things feel impossible as this is al you have known and you live with someone who has shaped you since a child into who he wants you to be. But there are people out there who will support you to start to find yourself again.

It does not matter why he is the way he is. All that matters is that the way he is has destroyed you. You need to reclaim yourself. There are people who will help you to do that. Start with Women's Aid.

Op, the sitting at the dining room table - can you go into that a bit more? It really leaps out at me.

Your eating so much because you are so miserable. The surgery will only change your body not the reason why you are in this position in the first place. I would keep the appointment for the surgery - and get the counselling you need now, and as you go through this unless you feel you can lose weight naturally?

Losing weight will give you back some confidence, and it will be a new start for you. But you need to get to the root of why this has happened in the first place, as you are right it will simply happen again otherwise.

It does scare me, the thought of thinking I will try and make it work but what if I look back in ten years time, after ten years of all this same miserableness, and think why didn't I just leave

He won't change. I wasted over a decade of my life thinking I could support him to change. He just won't. He's worked hard to get you where he wants you. He will not change.

Put all your energy into changing you and your life.

@ItsMarch

I was in a similar relationship dynamic from a young age (also had no children together). I basically conceded to everything he wanted because to stand my ground was never worth it. He was clever, never showing his true colours to the outside world. Everyone thought we were very happy together. There were many straws that broke that camels back but I eventually found the courage to leave. And it was awful for a long time afterwards. Justifying my decision to family members who didn’t have a clue. Leaving the martial home that I had spent years contributing to financially. Living in a room in a shared house because that was all I could afford on my own. And then the cherry on the cake. He met someone else and she was pregnant before our divorce was even finalised while I spent years alone.

All that said. I am so much happier now. Remarried. Children who I love. A new home. A new life. A different life. A considerate life. An existence that isn’t full of fear or doubt.

Totally worth it.

I'm so glad you are living a much happier life now. I can't even imagine what it would be like. Can I ask how old you were when you left? I think if I did leave DH, he would be similar to your ex, he would find someone new in no time at all, he wouldn't want to do his own washing and cleaning so would replace me.

I spoke to my Mum last year about not feeling happy and wanting to leave and she said she would support me but she didn't understand. She has her own issues and although she knows what he can be like but I think she thinks it's not that bad, or it's worth it for my financial security.

namechangeforadvicepls I looked at WLS too. And, agree, my problems are entirely related to my miserable marriage. I know what would happen - I'd lose a heap of weight and be jubilant and believe I'd cracked it, then I'd realise that nothing has changed, that he wasn't suddenly kind because my body changed, and I'd be sad, and I'd make nutella milkshakes that I could binge on.

It's not the eating that is my problem - it's the emotion.

I'm sorry to say it, but, exercise has really helped me. It is annoying, I hoped the answer was in nutella, but, it's not. I started walking a bit more, then I did 10k steps a day, then I started C25k and I finished that a few months ago. I can't believe it.

I sleep better, I don't ache, I don't grunt getting out of a chair and I feel better about myself. I'm still fat, but, I'm fitter. I remain undecided about my husband.

Are you in the UK? Have you spoken to your GP? The weight management services are really helpful, it took me a year to get seen, but, honestly, understanding WHY I was eating the way I did was a thing that I'd never figured out.

I don't think anyone should have WL surgery without doing some work with a psychologist - obesity is complex and it doesn't necessarily go away with a divorce, an operation or being more active.

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]**@gladysthegroovymule I won’t lie reading your OP made me feel anxious and suffocated, but you’re living it and I can only imagine how you feel.

It makes me feel anxious and suffocated. That's exactly the right way to describe how I feel every day.[/quote]
There’s ways to get out of this but my advice is to do it quietly, don’t talk to him about his behaviour, don’t give ultimatums or try to reason with him and don’t try to show him who’s boss for want of a better word. He might not show it but he will be very angry and possibly scared himself- of losing control that is- and most likely step up his campaign of control against you.

Show him who the boss of you is by leaving him. Safely. You’ll look back one day and be so amazed at how brave you were to take that step. You can do it.

I can understand your worry with the wls and I think absolutely unless your head is in the right place it won’t work and your head won’t be in the right place in your current situation. You need to spend some time focusing on you and your needs and then maybe consider the surgery when you’re in the right place for it.

@Tankflybosswalkjam I made our box room into an office that I work from during the week, but he won't work in there. He prefers to work from the dining room table, which I get I suppose in a way that he doesn't want to be shut upstairs on his own all day on a Sunday.

He wants me to sit with him, I make him cups of tea and lunch and snacks as and when he wants them. I can do a craft project or go on my ipad, but he asks regularly what I'm doing if I do that and I have to tell him. I'm not allowed to wear my headphones to watch Netflix on it or anything. He doesn't like it if I read. Or if I look at something funny and smile or laugh. If I get any text messages or alerts on my phone and he sees or hears them, I have to tell him what they are. I manipulated the situation to not have a laptop, otherwise he would want me to do work with him (which in theory wouldn't be too bad but I wouldn't be allowed to work on Sundays and have Monday off in lieu for example) We're allowed to listen to one radio station, no spotify or TV.

He knows he'll want his slippers as the floor is tile and can be cold, but he never puts them on on his way to the table, he sits there for 5 minutes then asks me if I know where they are. If I say, yes they're at the bottom of the stairs, he will ask me to fetch them for him.

Sometimes I make an excuse to go upstairs to my office to do work but if I take too long, more than say half an hour, he comes and finds me and tells me he's "losing morale". He's actually started bringing the computer chair downstairs now the past couple of weekends though as the dining room chairs are uncomfy, but I suspect it's so I can't be in there.

If I go to the toilet for too long, or stay outside with the dogs for too long when I let them out, he asks me what I've been doing or why it took so long.

It's an open plan kitchen/diner so if I have made lunch or have some cleaning to do I can do that. We're not allowed to have dinner until he is done, or nearly done, so about 8pm usually.

If I say I'm bored or uncomfortable he will say "how do you feel for me?" or "you can do this for me if you want".

That should say: He doesn't like it if I read a book

I'm sorry to say it, but, exercise has really helped me. It is annoying, I hoped the answer was in nutella, but, it's not

That made me laugh!

I like Betty Rocker. I did her free 30 day challenge.
She's really encouraging and you really feel like she is on your side. It was quite hard work though but I loved it. Gave me a kickstart.

Oh my goodness. Leave, leave, leave. You are only 36. You cannot spend the rest of your life like this.

Well if you won't stand up to him about a small thing like the barbecue nothing is ever going to change. And as you are so unhappy nothing changing isn't an option. TBH in your situation I would leave. He is a total control freak.

The more you say, the more horrendous he sounds and much worse than what I experienced. I would recommend you speak to somewhere like woman's aid and that you see a solicitor. All those rules must be so suffocating.

WLS is serious. If you have doubts why not postpone it for a few months? I suspect that overeating and weight gain is a symptom of your unhappiness.

I have empathy for your boyfriend. He's doing everything he's learned he needs to do in order to stay safe in a relationship, and nobody has shown him otherwise. He's believes that he needs to control, and you believe that you need to comply.

If I were you I'd find something that was just mine, not much choice in lockdown, but something like meeting up with a friend on a Wednesday or taking up a walking programme.
When he pushes back, be breezy and light as pp have suggested but also reassure. "That's a good idea, you can watch the film and then tell me all about it when I get home. I'll look forward to getting back from my walk and hearing what you thought about it. I love you, see you soon!".

All of what you have said there is classic control.

Its abusive. What he is doing to you is terrible.

Does your life belong to you, or does it "belong" to him?

He does not want you to have any interests outside of meeting his needs and being "his".

You are in a coercive controlling marriage. Get out. Take back control of your life.

Wow! Oh, OP, I can't quite belittle what I'm reading. I feel like crying for you.
If you were my sister or friend I'd have to encourage you to leave.
Then lose weight through diet and exercise, this will improve your health and happy.
Then I'd get you online dating, meeting new people and possibly the chance of a child.

A weight loss operation is a big commitment for after care and food long term.
I'm overweight and I eat through stress quite a lot. I'd bet in a different life, a happier life, you'd be naturally thinner.

It's a long relationship to give up on but from all you have written I don't think you have much to salvage

I'm sorry OP. His reaction with your Dsis's is a classic red flag, blames everyone else’s faults.
He is controlling you softly you know how he likes things done.