My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

Sorry for all the typos... tired mummy who’s been at work all day xx

He’s being honest and that’s much for the children than rushing into something that’s not what everyone wants as they get no say but have to live with the consequences.

Many couples keep their own homes where children are involved as it’s best for the children who should come first.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss thank you ☺️

He’s being honest. Have a look at the step parenting board and see how many SM’s on there struggle with their partners’ children’s behaviour and to be blunt, their partner’s lack of parenting in that regard.

It is far better that he admit now that he finds the concept of living with your children difficult than after you’ve moved in together.

you say you even struggle with them at times. In which case I suspect their behaviour is a lot worse than you realise.

@HeartsAndClubs thank you, I appreciate your opinion.

If this man is the example of the best relationship you’ve had to date then your relationship bar is still too low.

You’ve had a dry run of three weeks and he has continued to make his feelings re your children all too clear. He will never accept them in his life. Do not further subject either yourself or your children to him. They do not need him as a stepfather and you will be making the mistake of your life if you all move in with him. Your children and you are a unit: the three week dry run with you all under the same roof was not any sort of success either.

I would cut your losses now and end this relationship. You need to find a man who will accept your children as well as you faults and all.

Hmm. It doesn't sound like moving in together any time soon will work, especially you moving until his already established home.

Are your kids really that bad? Is their behaviour much worse than what you see in other kids around you?

Why couldn't you stay living separately until the children are much older?

I agree that he's being honest. It's hard to say whether there is actually an issue with your kids, or whether he just has a low tolerance level, but tbh, it doesn't really matter as far as the relationship is concerned because he is telling you that he couldn't live with their behaviour. He is entitled to feel like that.

I guess it's for you to decide whether you think there is an issue with your dc behaviour, and if so, how you're going to address it. If you're happy that their behaviour is not a significant issue, then it's a question of whether you are happy to stay in the relationship without moving in together.

You have 2 choices - split up or stay together but live apart.

He’s been honest with you about his feelings. He will find it very hard to open up his home to be properly your home and your children’s home if he finds them noisy messy etc.

Does he mind going out with you all or are days out or the odd evening in together no-go too?

Don’t wreck your relationship by moving in. You have no idea of the strain of living with children who are not your own or like your own, regardless of bad behaviour (perceived or otherwise).

He's being honest but I'd cut your losses and focus on the DC for a few years. Not for a moment saying that you haven't been but it is so hard to make a new relationship work. I never managed it but I stressed myself out trying to ''have it all'' a few times.

He's not unreasonable for identifying that blending families isn't going to work when you're both on very different pages regarding parenting.

There's lots of threads on here from mums and step mums who have found this an issue when they struggle with the behaviour of their partner's children, or their partner's children's mess and backchat.

No-one likes to have their parenting judged, it makes most people feel defensive. So I can understand why you feel upset, but I don't think your DP deserves any scorn for his opinion.

If you respect him and value his opinions, could you ask (and accept) his guidance or help with parenting? You could consider meeting in the middle in terms of parenting, rather than "his way or your way". But you need to be able to accept changing your own behaviour for this.

Take it as a positive that you both realise that your parenting styles are incompatible. Many people don’t fully realise this until they live together and ‘blend’ their families at which point they split up again.

8 is still young OP. Plenty of time for him to grow out of some challenging behaviours. I prefer my kids not to be on screens all the time too. Having said that it might be worth looking at the back chat - better now than when he's 15! Poor fellow is having a hard time with his eyes which is miserable but he still isn't allowed to give you cheek or disobey you if you tell him to play more quietly etc. I implemented a Zero Tolerance regime for my 8yo when he got a bit too big for his boots turned into an arsehole. That and limiting screens to 30 mins a day worked a treat in about 5 days. Maybe try a similar regime with yours, see how behaviour goes, and if it doesn't help, maybe speak to the school?
In terms of your partner, I think I would be happy to live so close, with the option of moving in further down the line. I have a good friend who has lovely kids, her second husband just can't abide even the slightest misstep which makes for a very tense household.

He hasn’t done anything wrong, he has been very honest. You can debate lifestyles, outlook and parenting styles until the cows come home but you are just not compatible for living together. It’s good that he is tackling this head on and not letting it become a source of unhappiness for you all.

Your boys sound like bundles of fun. I like your way of parenting, the boys doing fun stuff and running around enjoying themselves.
He obviously prefers kids to be out of the way entertaining themselves on games consoles so he doesn't have to bother spending time playing with them and interacting with them
It won't work if he wants to train your boys to fit in with his way of parenting.
Although he might be a lovely man he seems to be of the mind children should be seen and not heard.

His honestly is good, but in the kindest way OP I don't blame him.

We all know how testing our own kids can be.. to suddenly have 2 extra that are very different to your own (and by the sounds of it make quite an impact) would be hard to take.

Doesn't sound like the right time to contemplate living together imo.

@RosemarysCat I think my children can be worse than I first realised. Honestly. Seeing his two has opened my eyes a bit and I am trying to take steps to make positive changes in the areas we need to work on. I don’t think they are massively worse than a lot of other kids however. I do feel my partners kids are exceptionally well behaved and well tempered. Credit to him... but my mummy friends all struggle with similar things to me. Yet he does think it’s my parenting that’s caused it... yet the impression I have got from my friends is... this is kids... and this is parent life... ups and downs. It isn’t easy.

It's really good that this has come into the open now. Nobody is necessarily wrong, you just have totally different parenting styles, and are judging each other a bit (we all do it). You imply that your kids are lively and fun, whereas his are repressed and screen addicted. He feels that your DC are obnoxious and poorly disciplined.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I just wouldn't spoil it by combining households.

I think this would upset me a lot , too. Mine are quite loud and backchat, also, so this could be me.

But some of what you say indicates you are generally happy with them bar the backchat and grumpiness. I feel you would not want them to be seen and not heard and glued to screens. I have a feeling even his perfect children would seem not so perfect after a while and his oneupmanship would get tiresome.

I'd agree with him best leave it until they're older. I definitely wouldn't take kindly being told to fix my kids any more than he would be. How would you feel if you were constantly nagging him to get them outside in the fresh air, go for a walk, play some sport and have a bit more get up and go before you moved in? It works both ways

He obviously prefers kids to be out of the way entertaining themselves on games consoles so he doesn't have to bother spending time playing with them and interacting with them

If that’s true then he’s the same as a lot of people on MN whose kids spend hours on screens every day.
And the op admits that she struggles with her children’s behaviour herself.

@FATEdestiny he has expressed a wish to help me. We both acknowledge that right now living together wouldn’t work. He does however want to work towards that and has reassured me many time he will not leave and will help me if I want help. I am willing to listen and accept help. Hell I’d be grateful for it. I’m just scared as he is a very strict dad... and his answer is obviously a strict stern approach which I am not used to. Possibly why I am in this situation to begin with. I am only really worried about doing anything that could negatively impact my boys. I don’t want to change to a harsher approach and it damage them.

Thoughts -
Your kids probably need more boundaries and consequences. It's not enough to understand where bad behaviour comes from, you have to address it as well.
His kids sound like they are sedated by technology which is also not great
You don't need to live together and you definitely shouldn't.

I'd say that it's better to find out now than a few months down the line.

Thing is, even if your boys had been living with him since they were babies/toddlers, they still wouldn't fit the kind of lifestyle that your partner is looking for.

Your eldest DS was never going to be suited to a life of sitting in his room with screens when he sees everything in double! If anything, his self-esteem would probably have been far lower as he wouldn't have been able to live up to the standards/life expected of him at home either.

Having more freedom to be him at home will have been far better for him than expecting him to be in his room all the time.

For all your sakes stay living separately.