My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

Honestly I think you both habe very different parenting styles. You yourself admit you can struggle at times with your child’s back chat, so there is clearly something there. Kids need boundaries and discipline. Not so harsh as to constrain, not so lax they can’t respect those around them and say or do as they please. Both of these methods of parenting cause immeasurable damage. The trick is finding the mid point.

In reality he may be not understanding why you don’t seem to be in control, as that’s what he will perceive it to be, and why he thinks you don’t deal with it. Where as you jist think they are bundles of energy having fun.

He’s right to comment, as it’s clearly a big deal to him, but in reality you’re just both very different in yout approaches.

If nothing else, this thread has demonstrated just how widely differing can be people’s views on how to parent!

I still think you should be wary of simply subscribing to his way of parenting; i think most parents get some things right and some things wrong (I know I do), and there are probably things he could learn from you too.

Probably best just to keep the households separate for now.

Honestly it is so difficult in my experience in blending families and living together.

It's much easier having your own places, if you feel your kids behaviour needs a bit of change than change because you think it needs to happen to benefit your children.

The sounds of it your relationship would struggle with living together because of his negative view of your children, living together would magnify that 1000% and probably cause alot of arguments.

I'd even recommend going to see a psych together to talk about how blending a family and parenting would look.

why are his children so submissive and never argue back - that is quite unusual in children and I dont think it necessarily a positive thing. Yours sound far more normal

[quote Louseaton]@FATEdestiny he has expressed a wish to help me. We both acknowledge that right now living together wouldn’t work. He does however want to work towards that and has reassured me many time he will not leave and will help me if I want help. I am willing to listen and accept help. Hell I’d be grateful for it. I’m just scared as he is a very strict dad... and his answer is obviously a strict stern approach which I am not used to. Possibly why I am in this situation to begin with. I am only really worried about doing anything that could negatively impact my boys. I don’t want to change to a harsher approach and it damage them.[/quote]
This sounds like the crux of the problem - you associate strictness and discipline with damage? Harshness has no place around children but I think there is a chance that you will see firmness as harshness and resent him if he sets limits. So many parents struggle with different styles, not just steps. If you both respect each other, you can get a good balance - you can help him lighten up a bit, he can help you set better limits. But often different styles just leads to upset and anger at each other. If you do move in and your style changes, your children will blame him for it, and that will be hard to come back from.

I am glad it is being addressed prior to jumping in to living together.

I personally parent more akin to your partner and I don't consider my kids too scared to say anything etc as suggested by a PP. they are strong willed, independent thinkers who have had boundaries set and know that "backchat" is not tolerated. You have said there are no consequences for such behaviour.

I think it is good that he has said he would struggle with this rather than everyone moving in and it going pearshaped.

Children are all different, though. DS has friends where they all get quite physical and hyper quite easily and other friends where they are calm and quiet and you hardly know they are there. I don’t judge the parents.

I do feel like your son’s eye issues must put him under a lot of pressure at school, that must be very difficult and it sounds like he is doing well with friends there, so credit to him. He is at an age where the backchat will start, so it is a case of saying no to that, there are ways of expressing his feelings without being impolite.

I personally would not like a strict, stern approach either. My ex was controlling so maybe that is colouring my view, because obviously strict and controlling are not necessarily the same thing. I want my children to have the freedom to be themselves at home, and we have routines which suit us (which have an order without being strict). DS has his moments with rough and tumble and meltdowns, because he has some sensory issues. He would not cope three weeks in a house with strict rules away from his own routine here. If you think about your DS with his eyesight problems, I think he actually did well to be away for three weeks in a different environment - has your partner ever looked at it like that? I would be wary of someone who thinks it is his way or the highway (I would take the highway every time).

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He’s being honest and that’s much for the children than rushing into something that’s not what everyone wants as they get no say but have to live with the consequences.

Many couples keep their own homes where children are involved as it’s best for the children who should come first.

I agree with this, he’s just being honest. I wouldn’t be a fan of my kids on pads /tv in their rooms 24/7 either, so his parenting isn’t amazing. Hope your DS gets his surgery soon and all goes well.

That’s great they are all so well behaved in school OP.

It shows that they can behave when they have to.

So they can do that at home too. If they are disrespecting you that has to stop. No more backchat. Bet they don’t do that to their teachers yet they think they can to you. That’s not nice. But fine to express themselves politely and at length to you, but without lip.

They do need space too, to relax and vent frustration and room to run and shout and play.

Perhaps you could consider having a family chart of what behaviour is acceptable at home and what isn’t. That could be a good starting point. There has to be negative consequences for actions. And it would be nice if there were positive rewards for good behaviour.

And outside play to expel excess energy.

What’s he like around your dcs when you weren’t staying with him?

@CandyLeBonBon not sure why bringing up children to have boundaries and treat adults, including their parents, with respect is a wind up?? Plenty of parents manage it otherwise everyone's kids would be disrespectful and full of back chat and other bad behaviours. Having boundaries also helps children feel more secure and well adjusted.

If we want boys to respect women and treat them well, parents have to start by instilling these values in them. If boys that age are allowed to treat their mother badly and disrespectfully without proper consequences, it normalises treating other women they feel safe with, the same way.

Yeah we are probably hard to live with, but I couldn't cope with living in a quiet house. I am mindful of my neighbours, but thankfully the ones we have now are pretty noisy too! We are Never noisy at antisocial times though.

I just think people are different. For me there is great joy in my children exploring their musicality, their physical abilities and limits. It's not that we are never quiet, and I am working on their "inside voices" and hot running on the stairs, things like that, but if my children were quiet and on screens all the time I would be bored not happy. And if someone else wanted to discipline them into being quiet (when it's not their nature) then they could jog on.

Sure there is give and take, maybe the banging on saucepans could go, but The music practice and karaoke sessions (no microphones!) that kind of thing is never going to stop. I love open communication, I would rather my kids shout than try to suppress themselves and their feelings in order to conform to somebody else's ideas of what a child should behave like when it's not how they are made (or raised, might be nature might be nurture probably both).

Better to be a single parent with happy kids than to impose a whole new parenting method upon them. His kids have years of practice of being that way, whereas the other kids don't and all that will happen is a battle of wills and a hierarchy where his kids are the golden children. Which isn't good for anyone (the golden children included!)

Step families are so messy, it's not so much the adding in a new grown up, it's adding in the ex partners and the kids and all the different beliefs and parenting methods. You end up with some very confused kids, basically, being pulled in different directions, and siblings who do not work well together as a group. It can work, of course, but both adults at least need to be on the same team. They need to agree on how to parent, and he should not be coming in and trying to change her kids. Their decisions should be mutual, or their households should be separate

@Potpourriandpennysweets

I'm a noisy chaotic person who has spent my life trying to temper my wilder nature. Now I have kids they are just like me. I do set boundaries, but we also have a lot of fun. Often noisy, creative, high energy fun. We are not IPad people. We have them, but they are not our main thing. I love that my children can be themselves, and I am helping them to temper their wilder nature a little bit at a time. But we have big voices and big feelings and big opinions and big ideas and big messes and big sort outs and big band time. We like to go to the woods and howl at the moon sometimes. When we go through a tunnel we like to make echo noises. I whistle, hum or sing all the time. We are always dancing and making up songs and poems. My kids like to make up movies and plays, and their shrieks of laughter bring me joy (and occasionally ear ache!) I could not be with the quiet iPad guy. Sod that. He would hate my kids playing the saucepans like drums and jumping on their beds. But I love it. I love the joy and the energy. Some people are just not compatible.

If you want to continue this relationship living apart, then crack on. But do not move this man in and submit your children to a life of seen and not heard but with iPads.

See, I'm glad this lifestyle suits you, but I was a shy child and it would have filled me with horror. I enjoyed quieter pursuits , reading , walking non team sport ( it was before iPads lol) and the was MY choice it was not something that I was forced to submit to. It goes both ways and I would have been miserable if op's children moved in ( not because we wouldn't get on for days out etc) but have this kind of lifestyle in my house would so not have suited me. I think it's great that this is being considered prior to being forced on either family. Not all quiet children have this pushed on them

Cross past with above, but my points still stand lol

I don't think there's anything to fix about your children op, just different personalities. My child is very calm and "well behaved", when I visit nieces and nephews I often wonder how their parents manage, they are amazing children just very loud and lively and I'm not used to it.

I think it's good that he has been honest but it does leave you in an awkward position. Although I wouldn't recommend moving in to his house anyway, that can only emphasise issues as it will always be his home. The only options are to break up or to live apart until your children are older so it depends what you want out of the relationship really.

I have a close relative with two primary age kids. She describes them as lively, active etc I spend a weekend with them and am exhausted and have a headache. They're not well behaved, they don't listen and they break stuff. She doesn't have consistent boundaries and is far too permissive with them.

I was in the same position, back in the day. I like calm. My kids were calm. We were a really happy family, always out and about, and creative and busy. My girls weren't remotely cowed. But there was no room in my head for yelling and backchat.

The relatives' kids are great now that they're young adults. But every member of the extended family found them incredibly hard work and exhausting, as children. Their parents (mostly) didn't.

I could never have been in a live-in relationship with someone who had children like them. It just wouldn't have worked. Your partner has been honest, and he might have a point about behaviour. Backchat from an eight year old is one thing. But when he's 13 it won't be any fun at all. And at 16...
There might just be something to be gained by listening to your bloke. Your kids being energetic is one thing, disrespecting and ignoring you is another, and that could come back to bite you in the years ahead.

What do the boys think of spending time together?

Perhaps you need to find a partner who can tolerate back chatting energy bombs.

You don't have to move in together and blend families, in fact, unless you came to an arrangement where he put your name on his mortgage, you'd be in risky financial territory by moving in with him.
I've been a single parent for 14 years, one childless BF moved in for a year, but it wasn't to be, since then I've happily dated without moving in with anyone, would of hated trying to blend families with anyone - always worked full time doing shifts, so just too much hassle on the side of that.
I like my current setup where I go to BF's whenever we have free time, keeps it fresh and stress-free, not in a rush to change. If you live near each other, you have the best of both worlds, no need to change it, can still work and be together long term then review a few years down the line.

I dated someone with three dcs and he had very little boundaries with them. They could be rude and disrespectful and often “ backchatted” which for me is a no go. My dd is very chill, exceptionally well behaved - and she knows I don’t tolerate talking back - so being around his dcs caused me anxiety and distress. I was always extremely happy to go home after spending a night or two at his.

Unfortunately I wasn’t honest like your dp. He wanted to move in together and altho my dd got along just fine with his dc I just couldn’t bear being around them 24/7. It caused serious issues and we didn’t last.

You are only 5 mins apart, why ruin a good thing? You’re close enough to drop by and see him anytime and both of you will be happier in the long run.

I think the pp I agree most with is the one that commented you did a bit of hatchet job on you boyfriends kids. But I think you subtly did this to your boyfriend and his kids.

I get from your OP that you don’t like his judgement and you don’t value his children’s behaviour. You may or may not realise that. And there’s no reason why you have to.

I’d just decide not to live together. Whatever happens you need to focus on buying your own home if that’s what you want to do.

I would also beg you not to use mummy as an adjective.

I am sorry OP but you two have completely different parenting styles and if your DP couldn’t handle 3 weeks with your children you shouldn’t be together. Postponing moving in till kids are older is just delaying inevitable, kids and parenting is a huge part of relationship and if you two have such different views he can never be your DP in true sense. Imagine your DS is a teen and upsets you with something (like many teens do). You wouldn’t be able to share your concerns and feelings with your DP because he will blame you and your parenting for that upset whether he will tell you or think that.
It also feels it is his way of highway, why do you need help and advice from his side and not vice versa - maybe he should look into his parenting style and not send his children to their consoles just to have quiet house. It is patronising of him to assume that you need help because your children play boisterously. And yes backchatting is not good but I doubt his strict style is the way to go.

How long has your son been waiting for surgery?
It must be difficult for him having double vision all the time.

I don't think DCs behaviours need to be so black and white like the way you've described his and your DC.

I would consider time and place. We all modify our behaviours in that way. We have to to get along in society.

You and your DC were guests in his home those 3 weeks. There's time for loud and fun but also there needs to be consideration for others.

Will your DC play quietly or engage in quieter activities when asked?
Do they have an understanding of respect for others and other people's things?
How are they when asked to do a chore?

When you visit relatives friends how do they behave? Do they back talk?

I'd continue living separately till your children are much older. I would not be keen on someone else's kids that 'back chat' at 8 or seem a bit out of control.

I think he's being honest and is right to express how he feels. Your relationship bar isn't low as a pp suggested.

Allowing backchat at 8 years old can lead to a slippery slope....it doesn't sound like you do anything to nip it in the bud. When he gets older you won't be able to say anything and your DS will feel thst backchat to you is acceptable...it's a sign of a lack of respect.

I think living separately is better. If you're happy with how you parent, then continue as you are doing. It will only cause issues and resentment if he tries to tell you what to do with your kids.