My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

There’s been a lot of reply’s here asking why I allow backchat from my 8 year old. I never said I allowed it. I hate it. He gets told off for it every time. I absolutely do not accept it. For whatever reason he continues to do it when he is annoyed/upset and I’m not sure I know what else I can try to stop it. I am hoping it’s just absolute complete frustration at the issues he faces everyday. His father also had a bad temper and he saw him shout at me a lot when he was small before we split up so I fear this normalised rude behaviour.

He is however perfectly behaved in school.

Someone also asked if my children were happy. My youngest is. Very happy. My eldest is happy sometimes but I think is also quite unhappy about how much he struggles in school. His self esteem is very poor and I have tried so much to help him. I hope that when he gets his surgery it will help. So the answer for my eldest is... he is happy sometimes. Not all the time.

Why do you want to live together OP?
If your eldest is unhappy, wouldn't it be better to wait and put your energy into your children rather than sharing your time in a blended family?

With that time, you can see if the relationship is the right one for you. He will wait. Stay together but live apart.

Usually when a child is back chatting a lot and is unhappy is because you are the safe person for them to off load all their bad feelings too. They direct their anger at you.
He needs firm boundaries and discipline to keep this in check but also it sounds like he is trying to get your attention. In a negative way but your attention.
Think if living together would really suit you, would it really benefit your children?
If you keep the boundaries strong but pour more and more love into your kids (not saying you don't love them) but more security, more keeping them safe you may find things improve.
Listen to your children. Your are allowed a relationship of course but don't put a man before them.

And if course your boyf is allowed his opinion but something seems off. He doesn't sound very supportive.

Put your needs first.

@FuckYouCorona

Off he fucks then. You & the kids come as a package. He can't have one without the other. He's expressed a dislike for your DC, which makes any future relationship unworkable. I would 100% appreciate his honesty on this. He's shown you who he is now, believe him & move on.

Well yes this is a lot more blunt than would have put it. But yes.

He may find his perfectly well behaved children are that way as they are scared of their father and keep their feelings quiet. That's not great parenting either.

I mean you could always carry on seeing him without living together, sounds like that wouldn't work out and wouldn't be fair on anyone especially your boys

Genuinely it is a good thing to discover that blending your families is not going to work before you actually do it. He’s been honest. It doesn’t really matter whether MNers think his parenting approach is wrong or right, or what they think of yours either. The key thing is that he has recognised that he could not live with your children and your parenting approach.

Thing is, you wouldn’t be able to live with his either. Again, that is fine. People have different expectations and approaches as parents.

I am (bloody stupidly) at the other side of this. It’s me that is utterly worn down and unable to live with my husband and his attitude to and behaviour around his children. Ultimately, the Disney dad thing didn’t die down. On top of that there are layers of guilt and all sorts of emotional stuff around being a nonresident parent that he has not processed but which play out in our lives in awful ways. He’s hugely entitled about his children (and refuses to consider the effects of his choices on the rest of the household). He wants me to do everything and act like their mum, but he doesn’t want me to ever have any say or input into improving their behaviour. He scapegoats me all the time. He makes a decision, insists I ‘help’ him do whatever it is, decides he doesn’t like it, so blames me and insists I’m awful to him and his children. I withdraw as much as possible and he still complains about that. He doesn’t want all the labour and responsibility. He wants adult company when he takes them out. He wants... he wants... he wants...

Meanwhile my own children are screwed over by all this. And I’m utterly miserable. I cannot live like this any more. I wish we’d stayed in separate houses, so he

Just be glad he’s told you now. If it’s a good relationship, there’s no reason why it can’t keep being one in separate houses.