My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

You aren't compatible as parents to live together, please don't try and 'fix' your family for a man.

Be glad he has been honest before you disrupt your children's lives for him.

I would struggle with that if I were him, OP, I'm sorry, but then I think unless they're kids who are seen and not heard (like his) then I would struggle anyway. I never think "Kids are like that" is much of an excuse, really.

It must be incredibly frustrating for him to see your son backchat you when he's only 8 years old - your boyfriend wasn't in a position to do anything about it if you were there and clearly thought you were handling it wrongly.

Would you take any advice he offered?

Financially, please don't move into his house when you could buy somewhere yourself. Having your own home is something you will never regret.

He sounds a bit of a shit dad tbh...... I for one aren't impressed by kids quietly gazing at screens. Your kids are doers....... Keep them doing and enjoying being kids and leave the lazy sod to get on with his own life. It'll probably come back to bite him on the arse in a few years when his kids start vocally letting him know that gazing at a screen is all they're interested in.

The part I don't understand is his expectation of you to expect you to accept his parenting strategy as acceptable, whilst he is judging your parenting and your children. All children are different. One could argue that your children are more energetic and spirited. Your children may well feel more safe with you to express themselves. Hos children may be quiet and sit on their consoles, but perhaps don't feel comfortable to express themselves. A quiet child is not always a balanced, happy one. an energetic, expressive child, isn't always a poorly parented one.
I feel maybe that you could both sit down and acknowledge the differences. To have a frank conversation on parenting approach, and maybe reach some middle ground. I would definitely hold off on moving in together as you and your boys will lose your stable home. Maybe try spending time more frequently in blocks once you've established common ground.
If you think about it, your parenting will probably differ from lots of your friends and visa versa. It doesn't mean one is better than the other. All kids are different. Trust yourself. If you want to make some changes, then make them.

Sometimes a very quite child is not always a happy child, in their rooms on tablets, children should play, I would work on the back chat, and stay in your own homes

@HollowTalk I am very willing to accept advice. My only fear is knowing if it’s good advice for me and my kids. But yes help is welcome and I’m not remotely stubborn when it comes to admitting any issues.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to by my own place. I am able to get a mortgage... good credit rating... full time job etc. But I do not have a deposit. So it’s not something I can do alone.

Financially, please don't move into his house when you could buy somewhere yourself. Having your own home is something you will never regret.

Correct me if I'm wrong OP but didn't you say you could afford mortgage payments but don't have a deposit. Therefore you aren't in a position to buy somewhere on your own?

@OliviaBensonsEyebrow correct. I could contribute to a mortgage but not buy a property of my own. My partner however owns 3 properties and has a lot of savings/ equity in properties. So we’re we to jointly buy I couldn’t not equally contribute initially. Tbh he has a lovely home and has not long settled. I wouldn’t want them to uproot themselves again as I don’t feel that would be fair.

I would be glad he had been honest. It's better than moving in together and then everyone falling out.
Can't you just carry on as you are for a while then think again when they are a bit older?
In the meantime, if YOU want to work on anything then you can do that.

I was in a relationship like this and we broke up. At the end we had different parenting styles and it would have been damaging to the kids had we lived together. We parted friends as actually liked each other but the kids had to come first. I think it is good he has told you this. Now you can decide whether it's better to split or to just have separate houses for the foreseeable which I think can work really well if you don't live too far apart.

By being honest he's being open and giving you the opportunity to think about your relationship.

Only you know whether his assessment of your children is fair but it's obvious the two families are not compatible.

I love my best friend and was so happy when we had our boys close together as she lives around the corner and I had this vision of us spending time with the boys and days out. but In reality I can't cope with them for more than 10 mins. I feel like she has no control over them, they are loud and boisterous compared to my quiet, calm boys. It's a shame but we have grown apart since having children

Rather you find out now than after you had made plans to move in.

I can see both sides, and really I think the answer is to just live separately for now.

I have a very calm house, sounds a bit like your dp's. My dd's bf lives in a very full and busy house and my dd will stay over every now and then, but she is always happy to come home to the peace and quiet. She loves being there, it's loud and there is always something happening, a very extroverted home, but ours is very introverted. And then he likes to come here for a break every now and then.

We all live differently, so in this case it's whether one partner (usually the quieter one) can adapt to a generally busier home.

He has been honest. You sound like a great mum to your DC, but he just lives differently to you.

I'm just going to pick up on one thing from your posts OP. You seem to judge him for his parenting style. For this I would say you are incompatible.

My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play

It is very difficult to gauge where the line in between him being too strict, too reliant on screens and boys who spend too much time in their room who are scared of their Dad and you being too laid back and have ended up with who are noisy excitable and out of control.

But I dont think it matters - you are different parents with different ways and its seems that he is unwilling to compromise on his ways and expects you to do the same. That is a bit of a red flag. You say you have no complaints but are things mainly done his way

I have occasional double vision due to a squint and it is difficult. A friend at school had an accident causing retinal detachment and permanent double vision and he struggled with it. Your son I think is doing the same - it is a struggle I think your partner hasnt accounted for.

Who is to say his parenting is better? I was raised to be very well behaved etc but a bit repressed and controlled. I'd rather put up with some back chat from my kids and have them being confident in making their own decisions and expressing themselves.

If you don't have a problem with your kids, don't try and fix it. Stay in the relationship if you're happy but live separately.

It sounds as though you have a great relationship with your partner and that you can talk through issues calmly. If it’s working not living together, then I would stick with that. Money isn’t a good reason to move in together and living apart happily is so much better than together with angst. And you would be worried the whole time that your kids were annoying him. My bf has 2 young boys. Mine are much older. He would like us to live together I think but I know I couldn’t handle that. So we will stay living apart. Yes it means I can only see him 50% of the time but that 50% is happy, without stress and amazing fun. Whilst I love him completely and would love to spend every night with him, I wouldn’t want to do that and our relationship be one strained. 60% of perfect is better than 100% of not so perfect. It’s been hard for me to get my head around but I’ve accepted that this is our life for now and am embracing it. Sounds like you need to learn to love living apart. But keep talking to him and I’m sure you will work it out

I couldn't see this man anymore when he is being so unreasonable about my children. No wonder his behave. He never sees them if they sound a lot of time on screens.

Moving into his house is also mad without security.

The 'fix your kids' line would have alarm bells ringing for me, but maybe he was speaking poorly from a place of deep exasperation. I certainly wouldn't want to live with two children as you've described and it's understandable if he doesn't. He would have to be Mary Poppins to be fine with it.

It's very sad but I think you'll have to shelve the idea of living together until your children are in a different place in their lives. You can't and shouldn't try to change them, or your parenting style, to please him.

I agree with @Defmy, that's the line that piqued my attention. He's absolutely entitled to his opinion on your parenting and of course, even more so if you're contemplating living together. But I'd worry that he's going to be stern on your kids because they don't conform to his idea of what children should be like, and that will have such a damaging effect on you all.

If it were me? I'd continue dating but lay off moving in for the time being.

I have to admit we have mostly had calm conversations about this. A few arguments over Xmas but since then we have communicated quite effectively. We both love each other dearly and do not want to break up... so I think the overall vibe is that yes he has been honest and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a bit sad but ultimately we can still stay together if we continue living apart till things are in a more suitable situation.

Thank you everybody for sharing your opinions. I want to do firstly what’s best for my children and their happiness. But I don’t want to discount my partners either. Just want to make smart decisions and I know where my children are concerned I’m so emotionally attached... sometimes I do need others opinions on whether I am being over sensitive.

Yet he does think it’s my parenting that’s caused it...

OK, I posted earlier to say that I thought he was just being honest, and that he was entitled to feel how he feels.

This would be a significant red flag for me, though. It's incredibly arrogant for him to assume that his perfect, well-behaved are that way because of his superior parenting skills. Please don't buy into that at all, and don't take advice from him about how to parent your children.

Children are born with different temperaments. Some are naturally quiet and compliant, others are naturally more challenging. Of course, parenting has some impact, but an awful lot of it is just luck. I should know...I have one of those "perfect" dc who is always polite, always well behaved, always kind, always sensible etc. People often assume that I'm some kind of super-parent and ask me for advice, but the truth is, she was just born that way and my parenting skills are average at best

Please follow your instincts about what's right for your children, and don't let him tell you how to parent them.

It’s good you can be honest with each other but you shouldn’t rush into thinking he’s got parenting completely right.

As regards your eldest: at 8 yo, children are really beginning to grow into themselves and form views on things. Ultimately the parent should be in charge but a child should be allowed to express views too. It’s too easy to label it backchat and dismiss it because it’s coming from a child. Plus the stress of seeing double and having to behave perfectly at school while struggling and falling behind must be huge. Home is a safe place for your 8 yo to let off a bit of steam. So it sounds to me as if your partner is a bit lacking in empathy.

I don’t think the fact that his children behave perfectly the whole time is necessarily an entirely positive indicator. Secure and engaged children challenge their parents and test boundaries. If his children aren’t doing that with him, it’s because they don’t feel able to do so. That’s a bad sign.

@Dery this is a very interesting analysis and one that’s good for thought. I remember being very surprised how quiet and calm they were. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but... most of my children’s cousins/ friends all play in the same energetic lively way and will ultimately test boundaries sometimes as you say. It quite shocked me how submissive they are and how they never argue back.

I feel as if the fact that they are so extremely well behaved sometimes makes my twos behaviour look far worse than it is.

He's done the right thing raising this now... I'd perhaps see if you can stay living separately or maybe he stays with you 1 night a week or whatever to see how things go. I can't imagine anyone wanting to live with me and my kids if they had already passed that stage of noisy children. They don't sound naughty, you just sound quite relaxed and not everyone can be quite so relaxed.
Hopefully after your 8 year old has his op things will settle down for him, must be very frustrating for him bless him dealing with double vision, no wonder he is cranky after keeping it in all day at school... Age 8 is also typical for growth and a testosterone peak but give it a couple of years and I'm sure they will be out of that stage and want to spend a bit more time alone, perhaps then you can try to live together again. I wouldn't be offended, just be relieved he told you before moving in and has been honest

I don’t think the fact that his children behave perfectly the whole time is necessarily an entirely positive indicator. Secure and engaged children challenge their parents and test boundaries. If his children aren’t doing that with him, it’s because they don’t feel able to do so. That’s a bad sign.

I think that’s a bit of a leap. So far he’s been accused of being too strict, his children are afraid of him, and now they are insecure and disengaged. Half of mumsnet say their children spend hours on screens every day - are they all insecure and not engaged too?