My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

[quote Louseaton]@FATEdestiny he has expressed a wish to help me. We both acknowledge that right now living together wouldn’t work. He does however want to work towards that and has reassured me many time he will not leave and will help me if I want help. I am willing to listen and accept help. Hell I’d be grateful for it. I’m just scared as he is a very strict dad... and his answer is obviously a strict stern approach which I am not used to. Possibly why I am in this situation to begin with. I am only really worried about doing anything that could negatively impact my boys. I don’t want to change to a harsher approach and it damage them.[/quote]
Hang on... He will 'help' you? WTF?

Does this mean he is offering to DISCIPLINE your children until they turn into what he considers acceptable and only then he will do you the massive favour of allowing you to live with him??

No way. This is a huge, HUGE red flag. You cannot do this to your children. He is not their father. Tell him to fuck right off.

Agree with others, your parenting styles are so different, neither is right or wrong but to all try to live together would not end up happily.

Why the rush to move in together? Just carry on dating and, each of you, enjoy parenting your own children, is it even fair to expect all the children to live happily together?

I think it's a really good sign that you can both be honest with each other.

@Louseaton out of interest what do your kids think about his kids?

I am not going to judge whose parenting is better, but if I was 8, and my mum met "a guy" who had 2 "perfect" kids that just spend all their time silently clicking away on gadgets instead of actually, you know, playing like kids, I know how I would feel.

Ask your boys what they want. Would they like a stranger to tell them how to behave? On what grounds? Why is running around and being a kid being frowned upon? Will they resent him? Will they resent you for putting him fist?

Personally, I'd not do a thing. Stay as you are, do not move in with this man becoming dependant on his house. That would be a mistake. Date him, be a couple, all that may feel great and be a great thing but allowing a stranger to tell you how to parent your kids...I'd not go there.

I think you'd be best continuing to live separately.

Don't underestimate how hard others may find your kids.

I have mates with 'lively' kids and I cannot tolerate more than an hour or two with them.

Re the energy bombs

I think my parents lost a couple of friendships because when they tried to mix families for socialising, me and my siblings couldn't cope with the energy bomb kids and as toddlers, we'd cry.

As older kids, we'd just stick close to mum and dad and then say "we don't want to play with them again".

My mum often says she was blessed with naturally quiet kids and didn't mind.

@nimbuscloud. Couldn’t to be further from the truth. I am in no rush to live together as such. I was more upset about how feels about my children. I am happy where I am now. He expressed HIS desire to move forward ... and I agreed to talk about it.

I wouldn't let people come in and "discipline" my children they are at an age where running around and playing is encouraging just work on your children yourself

@HollowTalk I can see why you would think that. A lot of people have suggested that his kids may have retreated due to my kids being too noisy etc. However I actually spend a lot of time with him and his kids without my two. When mine go to their dads. My other half has his kids 50/50 with their mum so I see them a lot and they are always like that. However someone did suggest I did a hatchet job on them. Which is nonsense. I adore them. They are a pleasure to be around and we have a very good relationship. I care for them more than I thought I could for children they aren’t my own.

@ZooKeeper19 all the boys get on very well and when they are together play as a foursome. They have missed each other a lot over lockdown since we left his house and have asked to have play dates. They all get on very well so far.

Do your kids behave well at school? Are their any concerns from their teachers? Can they behave if they have to? Do they backchat their teachers? It’s disrespectful and we should all respect each other so it’s good you are working on this. Women, even mums, should be respected!

I’m not a fan of kids being frightened into silence but also I know from experience that sometimes mums of children they feel are special can give them too much leeway because they feel sorry for them.

For example a child that would do nothing for mummy and misbehaved like crazy but when her carer took over for the day the child was as good as gold. The mum just over compensated. The child got no discipline with her. There were no consequences for her bad behaviour. Whereas there were consequences with the carer. So the child behaved for her.

Or another mum I knew whose child was partially deaf and they let her away with murder. She got her grommets done (and an implant I think)and could hear but was still misbehaving because she didn’t know any other way to behave as she was so spoiled by her loving mum who felt sorry for her. But it didn’t do her any favours long term. I hated her coming round my house as she was destructive.

So I’d suggest you’re doing the right thing by teaching consequences for actions, and what behaviours you are prepared to tolerate and which ones you are not. It’s up to you but it’s a dog eat dog world out there and your child has to be able to behave properly or he will be excluded from events etc and it’s he who will suffer.

Stay separate from your partner just now. Compromise from all is probably best. Yours could learn to run about like crazy until x time and then it’s wind down calm behaviour or whatever. Wouldnt do his any harm to learn that too. Play and exercise is healthy.

Seriously, I’ve been where you are and I decided to cut my losses. I never regretted it; my son had been through enough when I split from his dad. Kids can tell when an adult doesn’t like them, and often act up out of nervousness.

My heart is breaking for your poor little boy with double vision. How tough that must be for him. He sounds like a real trooper. I do hope he is ok and that the surgery happens soon, and goes well.

This is very subjective, as other than you having two children that like to be animated and get excited when playing (that is normal) and a son that is struggling with daily life,which may be linked to his vision issue, I don’t see what the terrible behaviour is from your children?

His child is not seeing two images of everything that are blurred over the top of each other. His son is not dealing with sorting out the false double image, just to enable him to keep functioning at school.

How does he propose to “help” you ?

If he thinks it's tough now wait till there teens,!! 😂 it's a tough 1 but kids are for life. Partners come n go,!!

@Louseaton I'd feel exactly the same as your boyfriend. You've spoilt them and failed to discipline them properly growing up and unfortunately it's coming back to bite you big time. Unless your boy has mental health issues or special needs, the behaviour you describe is the result of lax parenting where he's not be given enough boundaries or brought up to respect adults and properly disciplined when needed. How on earth are you going to cope when they're teens?? You need to turn things around now or it'll be an utter nightmare in your household.

This lax parenting does them no favours either because such children grow up to be entitled self centred men who think such behaviour is acceptable and treat other people, especially women, with the same level of disrespect as they treat you.

Well behaved children don't happen by accident. You'd expect less than desirable behaviour every now and then from any child but what you describe goes far beyond that. Giving children strict boundaries and bringing them up to respect their parents and other people is part of loving them. Unless they've had the issues I've mentioned above, there's absolutely no way as a parent I'd accept my child treating me that way or be able to cope with another person's children who were like that.

I've not read all the posts but can you not share more custody with their dad? Boys desperately need their dads during these formative years.

all the boys get on very well and when they are together play as a foursome.

That’s not the impression you gave in your first post. You implied that they spend a lot of time on screens and in their rooms. Which is it?

Good on him for being honest about this as it’s probably the one thing most blended families fall out over, so you need to get it sorted before anyone moves anywhere.

The way you talk about your DC “they’re your world” and “energy bombs” etc it does sound like you’re one of those parents who thinks their kids are “spirited” but others find them too much.

If that’s the case then yes, you either need to keep separate homes or change your parenting quite drastically.

FWIW my DP and I don’t live together after 8 years. His DC are lovely, but just parented very differently to mine. I wouldn’t want to change my parenting to his style and he wouldn’t either, so rather than either of us have to compromise the way we bring up our DCs we choose to live apart.

I honestly think we’d have split up years ago if we’d lived together!

@Elieza my boys are both perfectly behaved in school. My eldest has frequently been said to be one of the best behaved in his class. I have never once been brought in to talk about any bad behaviour. His only issues are with his eyes and falling behind. He has lots of friends and is knows to be kind and share well and well behaved. My little one also had a glowing report from his teacher

He sounds ok. If you’re happy to stay living apart do that. No way you’d be able to move in and then move out if it wasn’t working without a backlash..
If he’s opened your eyes to behavior that should be addressed great. I bet you haven’t mentioned you find his kids sedated have you? Haha
Imo men are much more likely to choose the easy way ie let the kids game when they want to rather than encouraging them to get into other hobbies.
Keep up the good work - your boy with the eye issue is probably super frustrated- thank goodness you understand.

At least he’s honest , no point moving in with you if he’s totally unhappy with your kids behaviour as that will benefit nobody . Equally you don’t want to be living on eggshells, you have to decide whether the non sharing is a deal breaker .

I'm sorry you're struggling and sounds like you have gotten used to being treated badly by your dc, (or one of them at least).

He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside
Nobody should need to say that their children are nice on the inside. I think you should start insisting that they treat you respectfully, whether you mind backchat or not. You are doing them a disservice by allowing bad behaviour. They will eventually think they can treat everyone like that if their mother enables it.

Its good that he was honest with you and that you've seen how other children behave. I have seen that other parents over sympathise with behaviour issues as its easier than being honest. Its hard to say to a friend, 'your child's behaviour is appalling'.

With your son's eye problems, it adds an extra dimension to the problem as he has more to contend with than most children but I think you should take this opportunity to develop good behaviour and set some basic ground rules. It will be difficult for you and them to make these changes so sit them down and tell them things are going to change and why. Then stick to your guns.

Good luck with it and hope the surgery goes well!

I think there is no point trying to decide whose kids are best and which parenting style is the right one. You and your partner are just different that's all, which to me means you shouldn't live together as that wouldn't be fair on any of the children. If I were you, I would carry on seeing him as a boyfriend but keep separate houses and not mix the children together. Good luck OP - you sound like a nice mum who wants to put her kids first.

[quote Brakken]@Louseaton I'd feel exactly the same as your boyfriend. You've spoilt them and failed to discipline them properly growing up and unfortunately it's coming back to bite you big time. Unless your boy has mental health issues or special needs, the behaviour you describe is the result of lax parenting where he's not be given enough boundaries or brought up to respect adults and properly disciplined when needed. How on earth are you going to cope when they're teens?? You need to turn things around now or it'll be an utter nightmare in your household.

This lax parenting does them no favours either because such children grow up to be entitled self centred men who think such behaviour is acceptable and treat other people, especially women, with the same level of disrespect as they treat you.

Well behaved children don't happen by accident. You'd expect less than desirable behaviour every now and then from any child but what you describe goes far beyond that. Giving children strict boundaries and bringing them up to respect their parents and other people is part of loving them. Unless they've had the issues I've mentioned above, there's absolutely no way as a parent I'd accept my child treating me that way or be able to cope with another person's children who were like that.

I've not read all the posts but can you not share more custody with their dad? Boys desperately need their dads during these formative years.[/quote]
Oh ffs. Is it windy up there on your high horse?

So much ridiculous extrapolation.

And so much condescension.

I think it's best to leave this relationship now. You and your kids come as a package and he dislikes living with 2/3rds of this package. No one is right and no one is wrong in play v screens. Him and your kids just aren't compatible.

I’m not at all surprised your younger son can be a handful, it sounds like he’s doing amazingly sitting through school every day seeing double and knowing he’s behind. I hope he gets the surgery soon.
He’s being honest and there’s nothing wrong with you taking a fresh look at parenting, good for most of us to do occasionally. All children are different and you can’t judge yours by his.