My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

It's good that he's said this but I know it doesn't feel like that. You have different parenting styles, your kids are different and he realizes that you all living together at the moment won't work.
There's no reason why you all have to live together and actually it often seems better when people with young kids don't.

I have a close relative with two primary age kids. She describes them as lively, active etc I spend a weekend with them and am exhausted and have a headache. They're not well behaved, they don't listen and they break stuff. She doesn't have consistent boundaries and is far too permissive with them.
I don't live with them and don't need to have this chat with her but if I was her partner, I'd probably be having a similar conversation.

Why would you want the headache of moving in together when it is obviously going to put a terrible strain on your relationship and probably upset all the kids with unnecessary upheaval?

I think he sounds like one of the most decent men I’ve heard on MN for a while.
Your boys do sound quite a handful - I’d be taken back by an 8 year old giving backchat especially in someone else’s house!

I would continue with the relationship but just live separately. You both sound happy.

I do think you need some stricter boundaries with your boys though as if they’re a handful now they are going to be difficult as they turn into teenagers.

Taking an honest assessment of your parenting is no bad thing, but I hear in your posts some reluctance to adopt “his style” which does sound a massive step change. Why not look for a suitable parenting course instead, and develop a style that works for you? Improve your confidence to set your own boundaries instead of adopting his?

So you don't live together. Why is it necessary to live together? He doesn't want to live together. You carry on as you are or split.

You sound lovely @Louseaton you speak so kindly about his children.

No advice, but good luck x

Oh god just stay living apart. What’s the big need to mash your kids together in the one house? Yours are too much of a rabble for him and it won’t go well. He’s being frank with you while also assuring you of his commitment and love.
There’s no rule says you have to move in together...why bother?

I'm a noisy chaotic person who has spent my life trying to temper my wilder nature. Now I have kids they are just like me. I do set boundaries, but we also have a lot of fun. Often noisy, creative, high energy fun. We are not IPad people. We have them, but they are not our main thing. I love that my children can be themselves, and I am helping them to temper their wilder nature a little bit at a time. But we have big voices and big feelings and big opinions and big ideas and big messes and big sort outs and big band time. We like to go to the woods and howl at the moon sometimes. When we go through a tunnel we like to make echo noises. I whistle, hum or sing all the time. We are always dancing and making up songs and poems. My kids like to make up movies and plays, and their shrieks of laughter bring me joy (and occasionally ear ache!) I could not be with the quiet iPad guy. Sod that. He would hate my kids playing the saucepans like drums and jumping on their beds. But I love it. I love the joy and the energy. Some people are just not compatible.

If you want to continue this relationship living apart, then crack on. But do not move this man in and submit your children to a life of seen and not heard but with iPads.

You sound lovely @Louseaton you speak so kindly about his children.

I actually think she's done a lovely gentle hatchet job on them!

You can’t live together when you’re so incompatible. So don’t. Live apart and date.

He’s been honest, that’s a good thing.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

He hasn’t done anything wrong, he has been very honest. You can debate lifestyles, outlook and parenting styles until the cows come home but you are just not compatible for living together. It’s good that he is tackling this head on and not letting it become a source of unhappiness for you all.

Agree.

Neither of you are wrong - you mentioned that one of your children had eye issues which frustrate him (fair enough) but what about the other? Will your children take kindly to being told to tone down?
You might have to just live apart until your children are teenagers or quieter 😂

@Louseaton - no doubt his children’s extremely good behaviour did make your children’s look worse! And perhaps they just both are by nature very compliant children. But I think it’s a bit odd if they’re both that way and I don’t think it’s an entirely good sign.

@Potpourriandpennysweets I think outsiders to your family would really struggle to live with you. Banging on saucepans and jumping on beds?

It doesn't like living together will work for you, but don't let him blame your parenting style. It is likely that your children are different by nature. I have one that quietly reads books and plays on the computer and is quite shy, and another who jumps off the furniture non stop and constantly shouts, both raised the same way!

And perhaps they just both are by nature very compliant children. But I think it’s a bit odd if they’re both that way and I don’t think it’s an entirely good sign.

And maybe they weren’t happy with the op and her 2 children moving into their home for 3 weeks at Christmas and felt more comfortable spending time away from them

Wow. I'm quite shocked at how many people have taken on board that your children need "fixing" and that this man's parenting is clearly right. Also particularly amusing considering any thread re screen time has people competitively banging on about how their child is 15 and has spent a total of 13 minutes on screens in their lives. PLUS, your oldest has some additional reds which have clearly impacted him significantly, and continue to do so. It's astonishing to me that there isn't more understanding that at 8, having struggled with his vision, of course he's not going to be a calm, chilled out kid watching bloody tv all day.

Of course, that's not to say that your DC are perfect. Frankly, you have't given enough info here. I mean, what is back chat in this context? DD is 6 but will sometimes try to refuse to do something etc etc. She's also helpful, polite, friendly and loving. But of course she's testing boundaries.

It's also clear that if you move in with this man it's his way or the highway. Why on earth would you subject yourself and your kids to that? If you genuinely believe it's a good relationship, then fine, stay together, but moving in seems like a terrible idea to me. Also, the tone that he will "help you" to be a better parent just makes my hackles rise.

Well. There's probably something to be said for living separately anyway? With so many of you. Particularly since he likes calm. It would never be a peaceful environment with 6+ people in a house.

Can you make it work living as you are? Quite nice not to have to be in each others pockets but I guess only if you feel content with that.

Probably best to be apart for the time being,as you don't need any kind of confrontations about your children in the midst.

I personally,would not like to live in the same house, where two different parenting styles are going on,and there maybe clashes of all kinds of things concerning children.

I have always believed, that it's good to be easy going with your children, and accept that they have their own personalities, but also you need to have a little strictness,regarding good manners and being well behaved at all times. Children need to know, and learn, that it is disruptive and annoying, to live in household with other people living there too.

Also maybe a bit personal but what’s with the scoffing at screens? Lots of books are online these days, and video gaming is a v social activity!
My gamer boyfriend has had lots of social interaction in lockdown, more than all the noisy people.
We’re both programmers and in the quiet is where we do our best work...our thoughts run deep, we write code, write poetry.
Quiet is not necessarily bad!

I wondered whether his children went to their rooms because they didn't like the noise your children were making. There's no point in thinking about moving in together while you and your family are so different from him and his family. All of you would hate it.

Your 8 year old is behaving exactly as I'd expect a kid with an additional support need who is struggling very hard at school to behave. Look up the 'shaken bottle of coke' analogy. He's letting all out when he comes home to you, his safe space.

Perfectly natural. Tough to live with though.

Does your DP have his kids full time, by the way?

Why on earth would you subject yourself and your kids to that?

Possibly one reason may be that he has a nice big house and the op is not in a position to buy on her own?

Just a thought....

I don't think you can evaluate how much screen time his children have, or how much time they spend in their rooms, with two energy balls barreling around. They don't even sound benign, for understandable reasons if your poor son is seeing double. Obviously, older boys who don't have this disposition are going to withdraw during this period.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone to try and blend this family into a living arrangement.

energy bombs