My partner thinks my children are too badly behaved to live with

[Louseaton]

Right people. I need opinions because I am so tired and stressed and I can not tell if I am worrying about nothing, being unreasonable or being treated unfairly.

I’ll try and keep it brief. My partner... who is 41 and a dad of two lovely boys age 9 and 13... has told me quite honestly and open only that my children’s behaviour and habits make him think that he couldn’t live happily with us.

Now first thing I want to emphasis is he is a very good boyfriend. I have zero complaints about our relationship. It’s by far the best one I’ve ever been in. He treats me well, does an awful lot for me and I am the happiest in my current relationship that I have ever been. Bar this one thing ... but it feels like the biggest thing.

My boys are my world. My eldest (8) can be a challenge sometimes I will admit. He can backchat me and generally be quite grumpy and bad tempered at times. Something I admit even I struggle with. He is also however a very sweet, kind, loving boy inside. He is currently waiting for eye surgery as he can’t see properly. His eyes are misaligned and he sees everything in double. Because of this he is very behind at school academically and has poor self esteem. Something I feel comes out in his moods. He is perfectly behaved at school... however when home in his safe space he often takes his frustrations out on mummy.

At Xmas... we decided to stay with my partner due to lockdown so we could all spend Christmas together. His idea as he didn’t want to not see us. We lived with him for approximately 3 weeks until it was clearly time to go home. My partner found my children hard to tolerate. Particularly my eldest back chat. We also have very different parenting styles. His boys... who I will add are very polite and well behaved. Good tempered... never argue or complain... honestly I have never know 2 such well behaved kids in my life. His boys are very quite, calm, spend a lot of time on tablets/ game consoles/ I there rooms. And my partner like the calm environment. My two however I have always encouraged to enjoy play. Imagination. Spending time playing with toys/ art/crafts/messy play... they are little energy bombs and love running around. I will admit they can be quite noisy when doing so. My partner also struggled with this... he thought they were too loud and excitable... and that me allowing them to be so was inconsiderate to the neighbours. We had quite a few arguments about my parenting ... and my children. Not in front of them thankfully. The end product being him honestly telling me he didn’t feel he could live happily with us. (We had begun talking about the possibility of moving in together in about a years time) he feels I need to address these issues and ‘fix my kids’ before he can happily coexist with me and my children. Now as you can imagine I’m upset. These are my babies. My world. Hearing someone say they don’t enjoy their company and see them as a problem that needs to be fixed isn’t easy. I am the first to admit we have things we need to work on yes. But am I being unreasonable for feeling upset?

Is he being unreasonable for not being more understanding?

I will add if we live together I. The future it would be in his house. He has settled in a nice home which he wouldn’t want to leave and while I am in a position to be able to get a mortgage I do t have any deposit or equity to put into a property so ... it would be a case of us moving into his house and his space. Which he has said he is happy to have us do (aside of the issues with my kids) and I understand he has just got himself settled and wouldn’t want to uproot again. Fortunately we only live 5 minutes away in the same town to there are no relocation issues.

I’m not sure if I’m asking stupid questions. But I’m honestly so upset that he feels my kids are bad enough that he couldn’t tolerate the thought of living with us. Should I be upset? Or should I be grateful for his honesty?

I’ll also add he has said he doesn’t want to break up no matter what. He says he loves me very much and is we have to live apart until the kids are older then he will not be going anywhere.

Help ladies. TIA xx

Off he fucks then. You & the kids come as a package. He can't have one without the other. He's expressed a dislike for your DC, which makes any future relationship unworkable. I would 100% appreciate his honesty on this. He's shown you who he is now, believe him & move on.

@Anydreamwilldo12

Your boys sound like bundles of fun. I like your way of parenting, the boys doing fun stuff and running around enjoying themselves. He obviously prefers kids to be out of the way entertaining themselves on games consoles so he doesn't have to bother spending time playing with them and interacting with them It won't work if he wants to train your boys to fit in with his way of parenting. Although he might be a lovely man he seems to be of the mind children should be seen and not heard.

In my experience DC allowed to spend all their time locked away on consoles and devices are rarely pleasant or well behaved when they have to socialise with family.

It's possible that when you aren't there they spend time with their dad, and he lets them have screen time to give you and him space when you're over.

You took your kids away at Christmas just to go stay with your bf, sorry @Louseaton but your kids come first, Christmas is about them not you and your partner. Kids come first, tough on your partner who clearly seems like a not a hands on dad.

I think as you only live 5 minutes away anyway, that living apart is a far better option in the current situation. It sounds like a good relationship atm which may not stay that way. Tbh there's very few dc that aren't my own that I could live with. Mine aren't perfect in fact they sound more like yours in that they are messy and can be noisy but most people's standards of behaviour do seem far lower. The amount of behaviour I see at the park with friends dc that I can't believe doesn't get corrected and the opposite gets laughed at or completely ignored, I'd be marching my dc home over. Your DP obviously likes a calm home, he may have some sensory issues over noise etc (and has got lucky with quiet dc, I imagine you'd know if he was a monster and they were scared). Regardless of the reason though I doubt it would work long term.

If he is worried about the neighbours being disturbed why aren’t you?

In a way the reams of judgment on the two differing parenting styles are irrelevant. I have my opinions on which I'd prefer but it doesn't sound like either OP or her partner are anything other than decent parents doing a decent job - just with different styles and different kids' personalities. There's no need to be calling him a shit dad or suggesting they break up.

The relationship seems fine as it is. There's nothing to change. There's no reason you need to be moving in together. Not in the short term and probably not in the long term either. You can have a solid and committed relationship without blending families, and in this case it's more likely to last that way. Attempting to blend families would absolutely wreck the good thing you currently have.

So the only useful advice is - stop comparing parenting styles, that's a red herring. But think about the reasons you and your DP think moving in together should be the next step. Do you think it's not a "proper" relationship unless you do so? Because that's completely false. It's a proper relationship when you do what works best for everyone involved - you, him, his kids, your kids. That's living apart. Staying as you are. The end.

@Potpourriandpennysweets

I'm a noisy chaotic person who has spent my life trying to temper my wilder nature. Now I have kids they are just like me. I do set boundaries, but we also have a lot of fun. Often noisy, creative, high energy fun. We are not IPad people. We have them, but they are not our main thing. I love that my children can be themselves, and I am helping them to temper their wilder nature a little bit at a time. But we have big voices and big feelings and big opinions and big ideas and big messes and big sort outs and big band time. We like to go to the woods and howl at the moon sometimes. When we go through a tunnel we like to make echo noises. I whistle, hum or sing all the time. We are always dancing and making up songs and poems. My kids like to make up movies and plays, and their shrieks of laughter bring me joy (and occasionally ear ache!) I could not be with the quiet iPad guy. Sod that. He would hate my kids playing the saucepans like drums and jumping on their beds. But I love it. I love the joy and the energy. Some people are just not compatible.

If you want to continue this relationship living apart, then crack on. But do not move this man in and submit your children to a life of seen and not heard but with iPads.

I mean this with respect - part of me likes the idea of raising children to be musical and creative - but I felt like I was breaking out in stress hives just reading this post!

Rambunctious energy is not for me, it wasn't for me when I was a kid. I think it's important for those who enjoy it and raise their kids that way to realise that it's very hard for many other people (adults AND children) to cope with.

Separately, lots of sneering about iPads... look, of course being a screen zombie isn't something to aim for. But this is 2021. Children (and adults) use screens for creative, artistic, educational and social purposes. It's really not as simple as screens-bad, activity-good.

I would dump him on the spot. Your kids must come first. Don't choose a man who doesn't like them. You will damage them forever.

If your relationship is fine, why does he need to move in? He is honest and it will save a lot of heartache. I have seen this with a friend who remarried. She has two kids with challenging behaviour. Her new DP has none and it’s quite painful to watch their interactions. The kids are rude to him and don’t respect his authority. Having a new partner with a different parenting style will not help your kids and may exacerbate their behaviour. Focus on growing your relationship in separate homes for the sake of your kids.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He’s being honest and that’s much for the children than rushing into something that’s not what everyone wants as they get no say but have to live with the consequences.

Many couples keep their own homes where children are involved as it’s best for the children who should come first.

I agree with that. Living together isn't all it is cracked up to be. Enjoy things as they are now.

I wouldnt accept "back chat" from an 8 year old, that sentence alone is a red flag to me as to what behaviour you accept.

@TheYearofSmallThings

*It's really good that this has come into the open now. Nobody is necessarily wrong, you just have totally different parenting styles, and are judging each other a bit (we all do it). You imply that your kids are lively and fun, whereas his are repressed and screen addicted. He feels that your DC are obnoxious and poorly disciplined.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I just wouldn't spoil it by combining households*

I think this is excellent advice, OP. I think your partner sounds like a thoughtful person and combining households sounds premature. Waiting until your 8 year old has had his eye surgery and has had a chance to adjust to that might be better timing.

@FuckYouCorona

Off he fucks then. You & the kids come as a package. He can't have one without the other. He's expressed a dislike for your DC, which makes any future relationship unworkable. I would 100% appreciate his honesty on this. He's shown you who he is now, believe him & move on.

Has he expressed dislike of the actual child or his behaviour? Because tbh I don't think I'd like that behaviour much either.

Partners in a relationship where children are involved should be able to be honest with their DP about what they find too much or difficult without being slammed with the whole 'off you fuck we're a package'.

He hadn't done anything wrong, just been hinsdf about what he can and can't handle. I don't think it sounds like there is any need to ruin a good thing, just continually to live apart?

I haven't RTFT but i do think some couples rush to move in together because it suits them and don't really consider the children.

My partner lives an hour away currently so we have done EOW and a night in the week for the past 20 months. He is now hoping to move to my town in the next few months so that we can see more of each other. Even though his children are older and live with their mum, we don't have any plans to move in together. He is used to living alone and likes his own space and just really isn't used to being around kids 24/7. I also like parenting my way and being a family unit with my kids. They are teenagers and can be challenging like most teenagers can and I want them to be able to feel that home is their safe space. All kids deserve that.

So, we will live separately until either they leave home or we feel it would work. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with our relationship...he is just not the kids' dad and I don't want to complicate things if I don't need to.

Maybe you just need to give it time and carry on as you are. If you are only 5 mins away from each other then that shouldn't be too much of a problem for you.

[quote Brakken]@CandyLeBonBon not sure why bringing up children to have boundaries and treat adults, including their parents, with respect is a wind up?? Plenty of parents manage it otherwise everyone's kids would be disrespectful and full of back chat and other bad behaviours. Having boundaries also helps children feel more secure and well adjusted.

If we want boys to respect women and treat them well, parents have to start by instilling these values in them. If boys that age are allowed to treat their mother badly and disrespectfully without proper consequences, it normalises treating other women they feel safe with, the same way.[/quote]
Good points about respect.

Why does the child think it's acceptable to backchat his own mother?

Kind, considerate men don't grow on trees. I'd give up the notion of living together and just enjoy what you have.

Kind, considerate men don't grow on trees. I'd give up the notion of living together and just enjoy what you have.

Good advice.

Go Helena Bonham Carter and buy a house next door. He puts down the deposit you pay the mortgage, draw up legal documents to protect each other. Flit between the two when the boys are at their Mums.

Sell and move in together when the boys have grown up.

It's pie in the sky dreaming. You can't lump 4 lads in together like that. Not unless they know each very very well and have spent long spells together. It spells disaster. Have you all been on holidays together even?

I don't know what your kids are like in reality but if they are well behaved/happy at school they are doing OK.

The most important thing here is that you are their mum and their primary care giver. If you don't like their behaviour you can take steps to change that together. There is no point turning into someone else to do that though so if you think kids should be allowed to be bundles of energy then that's a perfectly fine way for them to be. If he can't handle it that's fine too but your first commitment has to be to your sons while they are children. Moving in and trying to change yourself and the kids isn't going to work.

I'd be interested to know why his marriage ended and how much of the child rearing he actually did within it.

I have one question are your children happy? If the answer is yes then sod what anyone else thinks. I was the well behaved and quite child when other people were present. Simply because I was terrified out of my wits to put a foot wrong because I knew the consequences. So looks can sometimes be deceiving and I definitely was not a happy child. If you think that your parenting style needs a tweak, then do it but for your self and your children, not anybody else and do it independently of your partner.

@Sunshineandflipflops I think you have a a good and sensible approach. This would be my ideal if I ever meet someone again.

@gannett

In a way the reams of judgment on the two differing parenting styles are irrelevant. I have my opinions on which I'd prefer but it doesn't sound like either OP or her partner are anything other than decent parents doing a decent job - just with different styles and different kids' personalities. There's no need to be calling him a shit dad or suggesting they break up.

The relationship seems fine as it is. There's nothing to change. There's no reason you need to be moving in together. Not in the short term and probably not in the long term either. You can have a solid and committed relationship without blending families, and in this case it's more likely to last that way. Attempting to blend families would absolutely wreck the good thing you currently have.

So the only useful advice is - stop comparing parenting styles, that's a red herring. But think about the reasons you and your DP think moving in together should be the next step. Do you think it's not a "proper" relationship unless you do so? Because that's completely false. It's a proper relationship when you do what works best for everyone involved - you, him, his kids, your kids. That's living apart. Staying as you are. The end.

@gannett if the children were actually musical and creative they'd be playing actual musical instruments or in actual dance lessons

@SakuraEdenSwan1 I’m curious... what part of me and my kids going to stay at my partners over Xmas because we were put into lockdown makes me a bad mum? We were less than 5 minutes down the road from our own home. In our home town. Close to friends and family. They adore my partners kids and my partner. What did I take them away from?

@ThePlantsitter his marriage didn’t end. He was with the mother of his children for 14 years. Neither of them ever wanted to marry. They simply grew apart and are still very good friends and a good parenting team.

He was a very hands on dad and still is. He has his children 50/50 with their mum. If anything I think their mum wears the trousers slightly more over decisions relating to the children. But they have a good relationship which to me is lovely.