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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He did the mash. The Geller mash.

938 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/03/2021 15:55

Thread 4. Wow. Thank you for putting up with my ramblings thus far, and for all the support - I couldn't have done it without you all.

Previous thread here

I can confirm he has purchased a masher. He sent me a picture of it and asked if it was alright Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
katmarie · 20/04/2021 21:51

I'd be blunt. 'Your daughter wants to spend time with you. If that doesn't work for you, then you can book the club, and you can explain why you have done that to them both. It is after all, your day.' And then save his response for court.

Welshgal85 · 20/04/2021 22:00

@katmarie

I'd be blunt. 'Your daughter wants to spend time with you. If that doesn't work for you, then you can book the club, and you can explain why you have done that to them both. It is after all, your day.' And then save his response for court.
Yep I’d say the same! It’s his day so he needs to sort it out and really think about what your daughters need
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 20/04/2021 22:02

I said

DD1 is gutted by the way, all she wanted was some one to one time with you. She wants to phone you in the morning. I have explained you will be working but she just wants this Thursday with you and she’ll go in next week.

He’s come back with

Right. Ok. I can pick her up and leave DD2? Is DD2 ok on that? God this is complicated. I could take DD1 to play kick about. Next week would help if I had until 4.45. This week not so critical albeit loads on. Head hurts!

I just had a short sharp cry and feel much better for it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2021 22:05

Somehow you need to step back and encourage the DDs to tell him direct. He still thinks it's down to you arrange, sort and solve his parenting responsibilities and his relationship with them.

frazzledasarock · 20/04/2021 22:16

This is why you need set contact days.

Then you just reply

it’s your contact day twat

Organise whatever you want it’s your contact day.

He’s not as inept and helpless as he’s trying to make out. He’s a fully functioning adult with a high paying job. He’s completely capable of sorting out childcare/activities he’s just trying to browbeat you into submission to dance to his tune. Stick your fingers in your ears and go lalalalala.

You will feel up and down during the divorce. You’re coming to an end of quite a significant chapter in your life. It’s normal to mourn the marriage you never had. And even to miss some aspects.

It gets better I promise.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 20/04/2021 22:19

We have set contact days - it’s hard though as due to DDs hand she can’t swim. Also they haven’t actually seen him to ask him, hence it’s going through me.

I know I need to toughen up when it comes to him. Working on it.

At least I’ve not messaged FWB all needy like. Instead I bought another pair of jeans online.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 20/04/2021 22:32

I’ve taken the tack to go to STBEXs house and not let him into mine @StuckInPollyannaMode. I feel exactly the same way.

When I go round to his, I keep my phone and keys with me, sit at the kitchen table nearest the front door. For the sake of lessening the spread of germs, I suggest he sits at the other end of the table.

In fact, you could always meet outside if he has a garden.

But just think about your smooth exit, should you need one.

Justilou1 · 20/04/2021 23:14

Simple response - “Well then... book it in when you’ve spoken to them then. It’s YOUR day.”

Giraffey1 · 20/04/2021 23:20

Yes, don’t get drawn in. Say G, it’s your contact day and it’s up to you how you spend it with dd. It’s also up to you to talk to them about plans and agree what’s going to happen.

And exit.

timeisnotaline · 20/04/2021 23:43

Well it’s your contact day. At the moment only dd2 is booked in, so if you’re changing that make sure dd1 knows what the plan is.

Clutterbugsmum · 21/04/2021 06:18

God, he couldn't show his dislike of DD1 any clearer if he tried could he. I think if it was DD2 asking for one to one time then he would have jumped at it.

Perhaps if he actually spent some one to one time with them, then perhaps he may actually form a better relationship with them.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/04/2021 07:12

Big hugs Polly. Hope you all got a good nights sleep.

I agree just bat it back to him aka “I was just passing on DD1’s request to spend some 1-2-1 time with you. How you organise your contact days is of course up to you.”

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 21/04/2021 07:13

I’m up and have done my Pilates.

Glorious day beckons and all I feel is this dragging lassitude. And I’ve a big day ahead of me workwise.

WTF is wrong with me? I was good on Saturday and Sunday. These seesaws are so draining.

Time to put my face on and get the kids up. Last night DD1 said she wanted to spend more time with me, DD2 said she wanted to spend more time with Daddy.

Talk about a knife to the heart. As it’s their birthday this weekend, suspect that’s dragging up a load of stuff. He nearly missed them being born as he went to London for a Board meeting, in spite of me begging him not to. I’ve never really forgiven him for that.

I should have known.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 21/04/2021 07:28

Arf at that @StuckInPollyannaMode

I had a similar situation 23 years ago. He popped out for a lovely 3 course dinner whilst I was in labour. Popped back in to say he was heading home to bed as there wasn’t much happening.

I gave it about an hour and a half, then told the midwives to call him because I needed him. Fuck that! 🤣

But on a more serious note... yup. Red flag.

RandomMess · 21/04/2021 07:31
Thanks

Sadly I reckon it's because DD2 gets preferential treatment even if it's just subtle that's why favouritism is so damaging Sad

Hindsight is all well and good Polly but I think not was the boiling frog it was a slow drip drip drip until you couldn't ignore it anymore.

GelfBride · 21/04/2021 07:38

Just reading about him saps the life force out of me so you are a saint OP. Remember this when you are down. How you haven't beaten him to death in his sleep is a Vatican worthy miracle in it's own right to be honest!

Justilou1 · 21/04/2021 07:48

Omg! He just gets better and better!

Mix56 · 21/04/2021 08:04

Right. Ok. I can pick her up and leave DD2? what doesn't he understand about 1 on 1 time ?

I too would reply, "your contact day, it's for you to organise."

Iamthe4thH · 21/04/2021 09:28

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I’m up and have done my Pilates.

Glorious day beckons and all I feel is this dragging lassitude. And I’ve a big day ahead of me workwise.

WTF is wrong with me? I was good on Saturday and Sunday. These seesaws are so draining.

Time to put my face on and get the kids up. Last night DD1 said she wanted to spend more time with me, DD2 said she wanted to spend more time with Daddy.

Talk about a knife to the heart. As it’s their birthday this weekend, suspect that’s dragging up a load of stuff. He nearly missed them being born as he went to London for a Board meeting, in spite of me begging him not to. I’ve never really forgiven him for that.

I should have known.

Yeah I would just say "it's Thursday, it's your day, you deal with it. It's nothing to do with me what you do with them on your day, I'm just passing on what the girls asked for. In future I'll get them to call you and tell you themselves"
Poshjock · 21/04/2021 22:20

DD2 said she wanted to spend more time with Daddy.

What strikes me isn't that she prefers Daddy, it's that she recognised his indifference and is desperately trying to win his affection. The "pick me" dance for children. This will set the mould for her relationships with men in the future. It's tragic and terrifying.

Justilou1 · 21/04/2021 23:42

Poor little kid....

1WayOrAnother2 · 22/04/2021 01:13

Geller is not doing well is he!
Thankfully the DC have you.

Take care of yourself and if tempted not to, remember that they need you in too condition!

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 02:53

Geller should take some paracetamol and get a grip. Has he had someone to do all his grownupping ALL his adult life???

Mix56 · 22/04/2021 09:10

You girls seem very different, maybe DD2 just wants to relax away from DD1
I'm not sure thats correct, just a thought.

Mix56 · 22/04/2021 09:15

How is the injured hand ?
How did the bike building go ?
Do they have bikes already? Can Dd2 ride a bike already? I'd be worrying about the injured hand.
Is this a joint present with G ?