BF growing weed in my house

[suzievisor]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

Far better you call police to report it than someone else. It shows your not complict. If you don't your just as guilty as him. Social services won't punish you for doing the correct thing but leaving your dd living with a drug addicted dealer will mean them getting involved. Do the right thing and report it or deal with the consequences

OP did he take that remaining plant when he collected the remainder of his stuff? I would be worried that if he didn't then hes left it deliberately so that he can report you for growing it?

@Kelly345
OP is incredibly lucky to have social housing, which makes it even more crucial that she doesn’t get in trouble as she won’t get that again.

@Joeblack066 I really don’t think you understand the nature of this abuse and manipulation—things would be so simple if it was just a case of get rid of the twat and you’ll be fine. Unfortunately this is a pattern and a major vulnerability for OP, abusers will see this from a mile off and OP will face this situation over and over and over again. If abused people typically responded to being abused by immediately learning from it and not ending up there again then we would barely have any abuse in the country. Unfortunately it’s a pattern and one that needs serious professional help to break.

Someone easily abused and manipulated will attract these kinds of disgusting people over and over again if they don’t learn how to enforce boundaries.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@Kelly345
OP is incredibly lucky to have social housing, which makes it even more crucial that she doesn’t get in trouble as she won’t get that again.[/quote]
Looks like she's dealt with it now. My neighbour was evicted for going on holiday and letting his mates grow weed in his flat in his absence.

@Joeblack066 🙏

Op, I really hope you and your daughter are okay. I totally get that you're probably feeling pretty attacked right now and, while I agree with some of the points made about being vulnerable and 'open to be abused', I think some of the comments on here have been a bit harsh (to those who have been harsh, I completely understand why though I think you've been too harsh, but I am someone who believes that coming from a place of understanding and sympathy - while also being clear about what is and isn't okay - is the best way to get people to really hear you. I have a lot of experience of communicating with people who don't want to hear the harsh truth, and in my experience being more considerate and understanding has always been the most effective method to promote listening and positive change). I also have experienced social services myself (also for abuse related ex partner issues when I was a lonely, vulnerable single parent) and while I understood and agreed with their involvement, they did not take the approach that would have best helped me to feel 'on the same side' and mostly I just felt threatened, rather than supported. So I completely understand your fear, and given that you have removed this person I don't think it's necessary for you to involve ss at this time (unless you honestly believe in yourself that you aren't capable of being a good parent to your daughter at the moment). I think that you are vulnerable and need to be on high alert going forward. I think you need to take a dating break until you have worked a lot on yourself and feel confident that you will not allow yourself and your daughter to be in the position again. I think you would really benefit from some counselling to deal with your self-esteem and relationship patterns (dynamic interpersonal therapy has a specific focus on this - ask your doctor) as well as completing a course about spotting signs of abuse (e.g the freedom programme). Have a good talk with your daughter. I think it's important that you ask her what she wants to happen next, and if she wants any professional support that you give her that, regardless of how afraid you might be. You obviously know that you've fucked up, your shame tells me that more than anything else (I remember feeling so ashamed that I had put my daughter at risk and still feel that shame when I think about it now. I promised myself I would never ever put her at risk again and I haven't). What matters now is what you do next, the lessons you learn and how you use this experience going forward to be a better parent to your daughter and (eventually) selecting a better partner. I wish you both the best x

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy and velvetpeach

Why are you both harassing and bullying the OP? She knows and acknowledges what she's done wrong, she doesn't need such a pile on.

I work in housing and have multiple single mums lose their homes and often their children because of men like this. The men are always fine. They just move on to the next lonely, vulnerable single mum. I've given so many women the number for women's charities, the police, DV places... nothing.

OP you got him out. Great. Now keep him and his ilk our forever. Never let another man stay with you while your DD is there. You have a red, flashing light above your head calling these idiots to you.

And I worked for SS. Kids always hate SS when they've had involvement. Because they have no idea how dysfunctional and wrong their home life is.

congratulations, susievisor x

you got rid of an arse. Hope you changed them locks x

@MrsTerryPratchett

I work in housing and have multiple single mums lose their homes and often their children because of men like this. The men are always fine. They just move on to the next lonely, vulnerable single mum. I've given so many women the number for women's charities, the police, DV places... nothing.

OP you got him out. Great. Now keep him and his ilk our forever. Never let another man stay with you while your DD is there. You have a red, flashing light above your head calling these idiots to you.

And I worked for SS. Kids always hate SS when they've had involvement. Because they have no idea how dysfunctional and wrong their home life is.

Op please please read and digest this.

OP glad you were able to get him out so quickly. Well done!

As others have said, please do the Freedom Programme and have your DD do it too. It will be a lot of help to you both. All the best.

Just wanted to also say well done OP 💚

It’s easy to get into a situation like that and not so easy to get out of it, but you did. And quickly.

I have a 14 year old daughter too, and she’s made of tough stuff, probably much like yours, so don’t beat yourself up. You have actually taught her a very valuable lesson; when you realise you’ve fucked up and how to deal with it.

And ignore the shitty comments from people who haven’t got a clue how it feels to walk in your shoes. You’re doing good. Keep going, onwards and upwards x

It’s easy to get into a situation like that

It really isn't.

@jamthencreamyoufool

It’s easy to get into a situation like that

It really isn't.

Agreed.

Modern society has forgotten the concept of personal responsibility.

Modern society has forgotten the concept of personal responsibility.

We also appear to have lost empathy and understanding.

If lots and lots of women are having these relationships with men, there is something missing. I'd argue reaching consent and boundaries, dealing with generational DV and abuse which normalises this, punishing DV and unit takeovers properly, making it shameful to exploit women and children, making housing for single men freely available so they don't have to prey on women and challenging all the thick as mince films, books, newspaper articles which pretend relationships are a goal for women and something to be avoided for men.

#DontBeKind these wounded puppy men with their many reasons they need saving need to fuck off.

@BalancedIndividual

Modern society has forgotten the concept of personal responsibility

Often if someone has had a poor upbringing/bad example set by their parents, they don't know how to be responsible for their feelings. You're right, it's easy when you know how. I've been on the other side of the fence too, though, and had to learn how as an adult.

I can only assume that you were well raised and don't understand people who weren't, through no fault of their own, or... well, that you're totally heartless and lacking empathy. I hope it's the former, and I'm glad for you that it's been so easy that you have no concept of how it might not be easy for others.

challenging all the thick as mince films, books, newspaper articles which pretend relationships are a goal for women and something to be avoided for men
yes, this lie allows men to get away with so much, really is they who have the most to gain from 'partnering' with women, women are mostly stronger when not encumbered by men!

Great post (again!) Eckhart

And yes, this lie allows men to get away with so much, really is they who have the most to gain from 'partnering' with women, women are mostly stronger when not encumbered by men! the older I get the more I agree with this, I'm trying to teach my DD how important her independence is because it's the thing I most wish I'd known as a young woman.

^^ This.