Page 13 | BF growing weed in my house

LoadsOfTrouble · 09/03/2021 16:24

OP just wanted to say well done! For getting rid. Some of the more recent comments here have been very uncharitable.

It made me very tense just reading through your posts. I'm not surprised you were trembling head to toe. I can see where you're coming from when calling yourself an idiot as I've done the same in the past when I'd ignored red flags, but don't be too hard on yourself. The main problem is the bloke being a bastard.

Again, it's great that you got him out. I'm happy for you. Be proud of yourself. Contrary to what some here have said, you sound to me like you'll be very careful before you get involved with anyone again. Wishing you luck.

tattychicken · 09/03/2021 16:28

It might be worth contacting your Housing Officer. I work in Housing and in these circumstances we would authorise and pay for a lock change and other security works eg door chain, dead bolt, security lights etc. We would normally ask for a police reference number but it's not essential, depends on the circumstances.

oil0W0lio · 09/03/2021 16:29

Godspeed Suzie!
I think this thread has been a bit of an hysterical pile on, it's a shame there weren't more calm and sober responses.
Well done for dealing with things. I hope it all calms down and you have no more issues with this man🙏

oakleaffy · 09/03/2021 16:32

@tattychicken

It might be worth contacting your Housing Officer. I work in Housing and in these circumstances we would authorise and pay for a lock change and other security works eg door chain, dead bolt, security lights etc. We would normally ask for a police reference number but it's not essential, depends on the circumstances.

That sounds a really good idea. Getting mortice looks and a keep fitted isn't cheap, but well worth it for peace of mind. If ''Free'' that is a no brainer to have done. You can get Mortice locks where two locks just have the one key.

pog100 · 09/03/2021 16:35

Another thread showing simultaneously the best and worst of MN. The bullying pile on, however well intentioned, really doesn't help. I know people think "well she need a kick up the arse to do something" but she knew that and did something incredibly scary. She clearly has more experience than many of the way the powers that be 'help' women in her circumstances. Thankfully many have found the middle road of compassion and sensible advice that she needed.

Joeblack066 · 09/03/2021 16:35

@velvetpeach

"But I'm doing what I can now to put it right and make life safe and peaceful for me and my daughter."

Except actually getting external help from professionals outside of the situation?!

"I'm not proud of any of it but for my actions today yes I'm proud"

As well as being contradictory this is frighteningly delusional.

You're worried that the police put you in danger by giving an abusive ex your address, yet you can't see the danger of MOVING A FWB INTO YOUR HOME?! Who then turned out to be a violent, coercive drug addict, but, you know, that's not your fault cos you didn't know about that, and of course, at 34 you can't possibly be single and focus on your teenage daughter, of course you need a bit of fun in your life in the form of a stoner shag.

This is actually worse AFTER the bloke moved out, it's just created a vacancy for the next abuser.

Great. Well done. Now the OP won’t be back. She was groomed. Can’t you see that? She ended up in a situation that she realised was toxic, and she did something about it. You have now contributed to the damaging of her mental health and self belief. That could send her spiralling backwards. I sincerely hope that you don’t ‘help’ or ‘advise’ people often.

RaspberryCoulis · 09/03/2021 16:46

Tell him to leave. What an utter loser, you can do SO much better than this waste of space OP.

JorisBonson · 09/03/2021 16:47

She has @RaspberryCoulis

Wobblywombat · 09/03/2021 16:48

Well done OP for being brave today and standing up for yourself and for your daughter.

Your wise old friend sounds like a great ally to have in your life... hope she can hold your hand a little as you recover from the scariness of this situation and get back to “normal”.

Wishibg you lots of strength!

velvetpeach · 09/03/2021 16:50

@Joeblack066 not sure why you are singling me out but for what it's worth I disagree, she wasn't groomed by someone she was willingly sleeping with and who she invited into her home. Was he a complete prick who took advantage? Absolutely, but what I think people are getting frustrated and concerned with is that the OP is refusing to get help now to prevent the same thing happening again. She is still pontificating over when and how she can have another relationship in the future!

Please don't insult me for being one of many here who are concerned that there is a teenage girl caught in the middle of all this who may not be able to confide in anyone, and who is being taught that "outsiders/SS" are the enemy...

oil0W0lio · 09/03/2021 16:51

of course you need a bit of fun in your life in the form of a stoner shag
Velvet why are you really berating a woman for having a sexual relationship?
Why are you describing a casual relationship as 'a stoner shag' she had a thing with a man who deceived her and then became unpleasant, she's been in an abusive relationship and you chose to put the boot in by mocking and deriding her.
Why?

oil0W0lio · 09/03/2021 16:52

she wasn't groomed by someone she was willingly sleeping with
you seem not to understand how grooming works?

RaspberryCoulis · 09/03/2021 16:53

@JorisBonson

She has *@RaspberryCoulis*

Ah that'll teach me for not reading the whole thread!!

Well done OP. You are worth so much more than this. Set your sights a bit higher. Onwards and upwards.

velvetpeach · 09/03/2021 16:56

@oil0W0lio

of course you need a bit of fun in your life in the form of a stoner shag Velvet why are you really berating a woman for having a sexual relationship? Why are you describing a casual relationship as 'a stoner shag' she had a thing with a man who deceived her and then became unpleasant, she's been in an abusive relationship and you chose to put the boot in by mocking and deriding her. Why?

Because she moved the casual/sexual relationship into her daughter's home, where he started a mini-cannabis factory!

Can you really not see why people are incredulous?!

And I wasn't mocking her, but when she started to congratulate herself for eventually doing the right thing it's difficult to sympathise fully. She was getting a lot of support until she started getting unnecessarily defensive about SS and potential romantic relationships.

But I'm not going to argue with anyone here. I hope the OP and her daughter get the help they need.

FortniteBoysMum · 09/03/2021 16:59

I suggest you report him to the police. Give your details but state you want to be kept anonymous. This is not your friend this is someone using you so they can make quick cash from illegal activity which risks you loosing your home if you do not own it yourself.

Joeblack066 · 09/03/2021 17:00

[quote velvetpeach]@Joeblack066 not sure why you are singling me out but for what it's worth I disagree, she wasn't groomed by someone she was willingly sleeping with and who she invited into her home. Was he a complete prick who took advantage? Absolutely, but what I think people are getting frustrated and concerned with is that the OP is refusing to get help now to prevent the same thing happening again. She is still pontificating over when and how she can have another relationship in the future!

Please don't insult me for being one of many here who are concerned that there is a teenage girl caught in the middle of all this who may not be able to confide in anyone, and who is being taught that "outsiders/SS" are the enemy...[/quote]
I can fully appreciate your concerns. However I don’t think scaring the OP off helps at all.

MzHz · 09/03/2021 17:09

I’m going to copy and paste something I wrote to someone earlier - in a relationship with an abuser

I think it’s largely relevant here too with a few edits:

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years .

Mn helped me get out of this and supported me on the road to recovery

Your history is extremely relevant- you fell into a FWB thing thinking this was a safer option. he then abused this for his own gain and was exploiting you so he could grow drugs

Funny how he got slung out before... are you seeing this for real now?

You need time alone to process what you’ve been through, you need to work on boundaries and protecting yourself by recognising red flags and dealing with them on a zero tolerance basis.

Only once all that becomes second nature are you free and wise to consider the odd blip along the way.

Manipulative people can see their next victims a mile off. Like moths drawn to flames they see those of us who are still vulnerable

You are still vulnerable- we can see it here. You’re less so than you were, but avoiding a level 8 arsehole and settling for a level 4 is not a ‘win’

You need to settle for zero level arsehole, you need to insist upon it.

Either each person (man) you meet, you learn more about yourself and you grow strong

Eventually level 1 arsehole and above will just stroll on by, they know to avoid women who know what they want and have boundaries that they can’t break. They will keep going till they find the weakest target

You were 100% right to end this, well done!.

What you did today was brave and epic.

What you do next is the work to protect yourself and work towards living happily, safely and loved.

You will get there - as long as you put the work in

The freedom programme IS. NOT a magic bullet, but it opens your heart and head to what Isn’t normal, it seems programmes the abuse. It’s tough, but you can do it.

There’s plenty of support for you here too. Lean as much as you can

LIZS · 09/03/2021 17:10

Have you and your dd blocked his number and n social media.

Blueappletree · 09/03/2021 17:12

Wasn't he kicked out from previous place because he's like this? Seriously, what kind of example are you setting to your child if you let him stay?

Viviennemary · 09/03/2021 17:17

Good idea to phone the police and tell them you are scared of him.

Sstrongtn · 09/03/2021 17:23

Well done on your actions today and for recognising you need help to make good choices. Make sure you do the freedom programme before looking at dating again as advised.

Coyoacan · 09/03/2021 17:26

Well done, OP, in getting rid of him. As far as I know you can take the Freedom Programme on line and it is good, but even better when you can attend in person, so maybe it is worth taking it twice.

Monr0e · 09/03/2021 17:27

I don't think people are piling on or bullying. They are trying to point out op should never have moved him in in the first place. Something she is still justifying in her last post by pointing out how lots of other people would help out a friend in need.

Op, yes it is good you have taken steps to remove him but please please consider how irresponsible it was to have moved him in in the first place, even without all the fallout that came after.

Your DD is 14, such a difficult age, as well as having gone through what she already has with your previous abusive partner. Her home should be her sanctuary and safe space, please think how uncomfortable, scary and confusing it is for her when you move a strange man, any man, into her home.

earsup · 09/03/2021 17:29

oh dear...get rid of him fast....the plants wont amount to much in the uk summer...you need the professional grow lamps etc....my old neighbour had a set up....but the point is he has other drug issues....if he continues and starts selling it will have major consequences if he progresses the weed plants.

Kelly345 · 09/03/2021 17:36

@suzievisor

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

If you rent you could be evicted for allowing your property to used to cultivate drugs.