BF growing weed in my house

[suzievisor]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

Glad to hear he's gone, you must be relieved. I'm sure you've learnt your lesson that these types of men are no good.
Hope you can get your locks changed tomorrow.

I'm not really attempting to come across well. I've been a total idiot

OP is out now so provided she avoids men whilst she does the work on herself moving forwards I fail to see why ss are a necessary step.

She should however see about doing the freedom programme and having her child do it too. And start reading up on how to spot abusers and how they operate. And again, having the daughter read up on it. Lots. Continuously over the years to come.

Counciling might also be helpful.

She owes her child an appology for failing her, yes. But this could actually be made into a learning experience if handled right. For both of them.

I'd advise staying single until the daughter has moved out though.

And maybe not dating in this area again just incase it is an organised crime thing and someone else will target her for the same treatment.

[quote suzievisor]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy he was a friend of two years. I was a fool not to see the signs. I hope this freedom thing can help me see better next time [/quote]
That’s the thing, you’re on another planet here. It doesn’t matter that he was a friend of 2 years. You could not be picking a better situation to ensure your child got abused if you tried.

Partners/male friends of single mothers are a HUGE risk factor for abuse. As a MOTHER it is your role to not only be sure but be 100% sure that anyone you are bringing into your child’s life is totally, totally safe. You didn’t screw up because he turned out to be a drug dealer, the issue was 10 steps before that.

You seem to think the basis of this was ok. Which makes me entirely sure that this is going to happen again unless there is a serious intervention.

Well done suzievisor.

The key things for your dd would be the steps you are taking to keep you both safe now and in the future.
Freedom programme will help you with that.

@Wanderlusto the problem is this is not the first time, and the benefit of a bit of distance from the situation suggests it is very unlikely to be the last.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy this freedom program must have some success else why is everyone recommending it?

Ffs I can just picture the state of all this 🤦🏻‍♀️ Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea if social services were involved because, while everyone else is saying there there it’s not your fault, there is a kid stuck in the middle of this who’s mother is putting fuckbuddies ahead of her own well-being.

[quote suzievisor]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy he was a friend of two years. I was a fool not to see the signs. I hope this freedom thing can help me see better next time [/quote]
The fact you are even contemplating a next time means you're not even close to understanding the discomfort and actual danger you are putting your daughter in.

SS need to be involved, or this will happen again.

[quote suzievisor]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy this freedom program must have some success else why is everyone recommending it?[/quote]
You should definitely do the freedom programme, 100%. But I think you also need a professional externally to support and monitor the situation. Think about it: if/when this happens again, wouldn’t it be good for your child if there was someone professional who immediately noticed and was able to intervene? Wouldn’t it be good to know that you don’t just have yourself to rely on, but someone else making sure that your child is ok? And IF this does happen again, wouldn’t you want someone to intervene and protect your child before she gets permanently harmed?

I’m sorry OP I have a lot of pity for what you are going through but without someone external to support you simply do not have the ability to keep your child safe. And teaching her to not seek help when these things happen is the opposite of what you want.

Don't damage the plants, it wills seriously piss him off and put you and your daughter in danger.
If you can, go to the police. He is cuckooing you, maybe not in the traditional way but nether the less, he has groomed you and taken over your home for criminal activity.
You need him out, but you won't be able to do it alone.

Social services don't immediately notice. They were involved before and it made no difference to this happening. They close a car and inky get involved again if shit hits the fan. It's of no benefit for them to know about a man who I've already kicked out.

This is on me now to do the work and be honest to people around me. There will be no "next time" while she is living with me. But I'm not fool enough to think I'll be single my entire life. I'm only 34! So I need to learn what I can from things like the freedom program and from women around me I can trust.

@suzievisor

Social services don't immediately notice. They were involved before and it made no difference to this happening. They close a car and inky get involved again if shit hits the fan. It's of no benefit for them to know about a man who I've already kicked out.

This is on me now to do the work and be honest to people around me. There will be no "next time" while she is living with me. But I'm not fool enough to think I'll be single my entire life. I'm only 34! So I need to learn what I can from things like the freedom program and from women around me I can trust.

🤦‍♀️

I honestly have no words.

Just read your updates, OP- well done.
Cut off contact with him. He will likely try to wriggle back, do not let him. Stay strong.

Be proud of yourself. You just got you and your daughter out of a horrid situation. You did it by being strong. Well done. See, you can stand up for yourself. Continue to do this. Stop dating. Don’t let any guy move in until your daughter has grown up. Do the freedom programme as a start and cancel your bank card

I've got a big conversation with dd ahead tonight. She deserves a huge apology. For now though, I have my home back thank god I can breathe again.

Seriously, so many thanks for everyone's support today xxx

Well done OP. I'm relieved for you.

OP, have you binned the last plant? Chuck it down the toilet if it's small.

As I said before, are you sure you're capable of parenting at the moment?

The support you're talking about is for you. If you mess it up, there isnt anyone standing there to make sure your daughter is OK. And now you're declaring that you've raised her to believe social services are the enemy. This is al wrong OP; it's just wrong.

Your daughter needs someone looking out for her, because you have a pattern of choosing abusive men, you've moved a drug user into your home, you moved a fuck buddy into your home, you allowed drugs to be grown in your home. You simply arent in the right place to put your child first or protect her. She needs a responsible adult to make sure that your choices dont fuck her up.

By all means, do the freedom programme and be more open with your friends but that's for you. You also need to do something for your daughter; self refer to social services, be totally honest and ask for help, ask for a support worker for your daughter. Or go to her school and tell them everything and see if they can provide some one to one support for her.

And also, the fact that you're even thinking ahead to more relationships shows that you've not heard a thing being said to you. That shouldnt even be in your head right now. But it is.

You're not doing this stuff for your daughter. Your doing it so, in your own words, you make a better choice in the next man. So that'a your goal. Getting a man. You need to stay away from all men for a long time, and you should not even be thinking about it. Yet you are

You've been cuckooed. YOU are liable for his criminal act so don't believe his lies.

Crimestoppers can help and advise you

You've read way too much in to that. Of course I'll have a partner at some time in the future. To deny that would be insane. I want to make sure I have the tools not to fuck up again.

The friends I'm talking about are the family that we have. The support is for us both.

I haven't raised dd to think ss are the enemy. She experienced first hand what they are like and made up her own mind.

@suzievisor

Social services don't immediately notice. They were involved before and it made no difference to this happening. They close a car and inky get involved again if shit hits the fan. It's of no benefit for them to know about a man who I've already kicked out.

This is on me now to do the work and be honest to people around me. There will be no "next time" while she is living with me. But I'm not fool enough to think I'll be single my entire life. I'm only 34! So I need to learn what I can from things like the freedom program and from women around me I can trust.

This just shows you are still only thinking from the point of view of your own romantic needs, albeit, "in the future". None of your posts come across as being in anyway aware of what you have put your daughter through during her life. You're "relieved you've got your home back?!" How can you have such little regard for what your poor decisions have meant for your child?! She was living with a violent, abusive drug addict/dealer who was shagging her mum. And you owe her "an apology"?!

Shocking.