BF growing weed in my house

[suzievisor]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

Cancel the bank card, get any remaining drug stuff out of the house and see about making your home secure. If you have a Yale lock you don’t need a locksmith. Buy a new core (the bit in the middle which comes with new keys). It is simple to replace the old core with the new one and costs far less than a new lock.

Goodness what a day for you OP, your head must be swimming. Take it easy and look after yourself and your daughter

Obviously reforming him is NOT your job OP, in case I wasn't clear!

If you really can't afford it (and the locks are compatible) you could swap the barrels over for the front and back door. If he did try, he would assume that you've just changed the locks. Possibly not a long term solution, but would buy you some time.

@Wanderlusto ill just cancel it. I don't want any communication

@UhtredRagnarson she's going with the friend she's fine to and I'm going there later so can take her stuff with me. They've been best friends since they were 3 so it's a home from home for her

Has she spoken to you about him? What does she think about what’s happened?

Thanks for the practical advice re locks. I don't have a back door so can't swap but the front door is a yale so I can go to B&Q tomorrow. My lovely friend has offered to pay as I don't have any money for a couple of days

OP you haven’t acknowledged any of the posters that have expressed concern that you are not able to currently parent your DD. You have put her in immense danger, what if he got violent (as coke users often do) or if someone he owed money to came knocking?

I don’t think your out the woods yet, if your DD has told any of her friends there is a good chance they will tell their parents who would report to school/police/NSPCC. This is the advice that would be given to anyone posting here that their DC had confided about a friend.

I think you need outside intervention to safeguard your DD and SS involvement would not be a bad thing in this case.

@nimbuscloud I left her at her friend's so we haven't spoken properly yet. I want to tackle the conversation properly without over sharing but at the same time being honest if that makes sense. It's a tricky balance isn't it and at the moment I can't think straight. I feel like a ball of anxiety but still way more relaxed than I have been in a long long time

I really think you need to involve the police and social services, to stop this from happening again. You can’t raise a child exposed to this sort of thing. If you don’t have the ability to protect her then you need help to do it.

You realise that when you invite these kind of weirdos and strange men around you are putting your daughter at massive massive risk? Of drugs, of trafficking, of being raped?!? You should not go within a 100 miles of men. Ever. Because if you lack the judgement to be able to protect her, then the only way out is to just shut off that entire avenue of life.

@AfterSchoolWorry

OP, you are being cuckooed.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckooing

Contact women's aid and get advice, you need help with this.

Exactly this. OP. I'm so sorry to hear this, but I think you are being targeted.

I've not RTFT, but you need help & support to get out of this situation, and the sooner you report, the better - if you approach the police for example, its clear that you want help

Is there somewhere safe your daughter & indeed you could get to (stay with family for example?) if the police are going to come round?

You got off lucky with it this time (so far, who knows what might come down the road...) but next time could be far worse. Next time it might be heroine getting injected in you or your child being raped.

Sorry to be alarmist, but this is a child abuse and negligence situation. PLEASE get professional help for you. If you’re more scared about feeling judged than the welfare of your child, you are in no state to parent.

@Dontstepinthecowpat I do understand where you're coming from. We've had ss involvement before when my last partner was abusive (yes, I pick them well) and they were the furthest from supportive. I won't be involving them. I do realise though from all of this that I need to be more honest with people who care about me and get help. From what I know women's aid will be able to support us better than ss.

Dd won't tell anyone. She is as much against ss "help" as I am and knows the score. Sad she has to but that's how it is

[quote suzievisor]@Dontstepinthecowpat I do understand where you're coming from. We've had ss involvement before when my last partner was abusive (yes, I pick them well) and they were the furthest from supportive. I won't be involving them. I do realise though from all of this that I need to be more honest with people who care about me and get help. From what I know women's aid will be able to support us better than ss.

Dd won't tell anyone. She is as much against ss "help" as I am and knows the score. Sad she has to but that's how it is [/quote]
This is just veering into out-and-out child abuse from you.

Do you not believe your child has the right to grow up safely?

[quote suzievisor]@Dontstepinthecowpat I do understand where you're coming from. We've had ss involvement before when my last partner was abusive (yes, I pick them well) and they were the furthest from supportive. I won't be involving them. I do realise though from all of this that I need to be more honest with people who care about me and get help. From what I know women's aid will be able to support us better than ss.

Dd won't tell anyone. She is as much against ss "help" as I am and knows the score. Sad she has to but that's how it is [/quote]
Try the Freedom Programme to break the cycle of accepting abuse as normal.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy of course I do. That's why I've taken the step I have. I was so scared of doing anything because I'm scared of him. He wasn't like this when he came to stay. It only came to light after he was here and by then I felt too afraid and trapped and confused to do anything.

I felt paralysed but this thread gave me the kick up my arse that I needed to get rid of him. As it stands, he's gone. The drugs are gone and unless anything kicks off it's my priority to keep us safe and peaceful. Not to seek out the stress and drama of social services

Women's aid, freedom programme, accepting the help from friends and staying well clear of anything male are my focus now

[quote suzievisor]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy of course I do. That's why I've taken the step I have. I was so scared of doing anything because I'm scared of him. He wasn't like this when he came to stay. It only came to light after he was here and by then I felt too afraid and trapped and confused to do anything.

I felt paralysed but this thread gave me the kick up my arse that I needed to get rid of him. As it stands, he's gone. The drugs are gone and unless anything kicks off it's my priority to keep us safe and peaceful. Not to seek out the stress and drama of social services [/quote]
You’ve dealt with this one guy. And you freely admit elsewhere that it’s a repeated pattern for you. You are lying to yourself and failing your daughter if you don’t take serious help now to break the cycle

I think I made it quite clear I need help and am ready to accept it

Well done @suzievisor. Your life, and your daughter's life, will be much better without a coercive, drug taking/dealer, abusive, potentially violent thief in it.

Yes do change all the locks/barrels ASAP and talk honestly to your daughter. You will know what will be appropriate. Ensure both of you always put the chain on when you are in before opening the door, even if you've changed the locks in case he tries to come back.

As well as cancelling your card, check your credit file in case he's taking out credit in your name (try Experian).

Additionally do change any passwords you have for anything online (eg: bank account, email, Amazon, Sky, etc.) and if he has stolen your passport report it stolen ASAP to prevent it being used in Identity fraud.

Also contact your council to get your 25% single occupier discount - it all helps!

Good luck OP, and take all the help out there you can find so you and your daughter have a better future. 🌹

Anyone with a potentially vulnerable teenage female daughter should not even be considering inviting random men to stay with them, regardless of whether they have a drug problem or not. You’re in total denial to say this is only a problem because he turned out to be a drug user.

You’re litterally setting up the model situation for your child to be exploited.

Thanks @Newestname001 our passports are here thank goodness. The credit check is a good idea.

Dd won't tell anyone. She is as much against ss "help" as I am and knows the score. Sad she has to but that's how it is

I’m concerned you’re not more focused on how your child is doing, what you’ve put her through over the past few months, and how it is that she has been led to believe that social services are an organisation to be against.

You are not coming across well here, OP.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy he was a friend of two years. I was a fool not to see the signs. I hope this freedom thing can help me see better next time