BF growing weed in my house

[suzievisor]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

@suzievisor

You've read way too much in to that. Of course I'll have a partner at some time in the future. To deny that would be insane. I want to make sure I have the tools not to fuck up again.

The friends I'm talking about are the family that we have. The support is for us both.

I haven't raised dd to think ss are the enemy. She experienced first hand what they are like and made up her own mind.

You are in no place to be making parenting decisions without external support.

Your child is being put at risk due to your own failure to get help. This is shocking, you need to wake up.

What if she tells you she’s been abused by him? Or the previous man?

There's nothing to suggest that at all. But it will be part of our conversation later just as a precaution. Because obviously if that were the case she would receive W every bit of help there is

As it is, the action I took today has protected her. Albeit late. I'm totally to blame for the that. He really did a number on me.

Well done OP, what you did today was very brave.

Don't beat yourself up, just learn from it. I second the freedom program

Why on earth are you allowing this? Please step up for your daughter.

@suzievisor

You've read way too much in to that. Of course I'll have a partner at some time in the future. To deny that would be insane. I want to make sure I have the tools not to fuck up again.

The friends I'm talking about are the family that we have. The support is for us both.

I haven't raised dd to think ss are the enemy. She experienced first hand what they are like and made up her own mind.

She’s 14 - so, a child - at what age did she “make up her own mind” about social services and what did you do to reassure you that their job is to protect children like her?

@suzievisor

There's nothing to suggest that at all. But it will be part of our conversation later just as a precaution. Because obviously if that were the case she would receive W every bit of help there is

The best help she can get is professionals who will ensure you never put her in this position again. Which you are refusing her.

Sorry OP but IF your daughter hasn’t been full-on sexually or physically or otherwise abused by these men it is purely due to very very good luck (that will soon run out), not due to you. PLEASE get the full gambit of professional help from police, social services and women’s charities. You absolutely should be on SS’s radar for very very regular contact, to protect your child.

@suzievisor

As it is, the action I took today has protected her. Albeit late. I'm totally to blame for the that. He really did a number on me.

You're not protecting her at all! You should never have put her in this position in the first place. It's not about him "doing a number" on you. As PP said, even without the drug taking/growing you shouldn't have moved a FWB in to your daughter's HOME just a year or two after leaving another abusive relationship which required SS intervention.

Your blasé attitude here is bizarre. You seem to be congratulating yourself on getting rid of a problem that you yourself created!!!

@suzievisor

As it is, the action I took today has protected her. Albeit late. I'm totally to blame for the that. He really did a number on me.

The fact that you STILL think he “did a number on you” just shows what planet you’re on.

It might be fair to say that you’ve done a number on your daughter ?

This has to be fake. No one can actually behave like this in the real world.

What do you mean of course you’ll have a partner in the future, you don’t need to. I will never be introducing another man to my children or bringing one into my home, I don’t need it. I can date men and have a casual relationship if I want male company away from my children’s place of security. Start putting your child first.

FFS people, she's admitted she was in the wrong, she's got rid of the bloke and has said she'll take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again and protect her DD. Stop fucking sticking the boot in now, it's fine to offer advice but just stop with the nastiness

In all fairness that's a fair point, you dont need to ever have a partner again. You pick bad'uns so why not just stay single?

Think after two nut jobs like that I'd decide just to make it me and my daughter and my pals from the on. Its not like you need a man. Especially considering you have a kid already.

@FuckyouCovid21

FFS people, she's admitted she was in the wrong, she's got rid of the bloke and has said she'll take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again and protect her DD. Stop fucking sticking the boot in now, it's fine to offer advice but just stop with the nastiness

Did you read the fact that she only recently left another abusive relationship that resulted in major social services involvement? And she is basically refusing to actually deal with the wider problem?

A fuck buddy is a person who means nothing to you who you fuck - it's sex pure and simple and no you don't let them move in to your house.

A friends with benefits is someone who you have a friend based relationship with over a period with time who you also sleep with. Plenty of people allow a friend of 2 years come to stay with them when they're down on their luck.

In this instance he was an abusive coercive drug addict. That's on me to have not recognised the red flags. But in terms of "doing a number" on me yes I'd say that's exactly what he did. I'm an idiot. But I'm doing what I can now to put it right and make life safe and peaceful for me and my daughter. I'm not proud of any of it but for my actions today yes I'm proud.

She has regular contact with her dad and a solid relationship with her step mum too. Her support network is huge.

She was never alone with this man. But I will of course check that nothing more sinister went on.

When I contacted the police in my last relationship they GAVE HIM our new address and sent him straight to our door putting our lives in danger so no, we're not best of friends.

I'm going to leave the thread now as I'm not finding the recent comments helpful to my mental health but I do thank everyone who gave me the strength to get through today so far xx

I really wish you would just try to listen. I didnt say what I said to be heartless. I'm 31, and I'm a single parent. I'm in the same boat as you. I don't want to be single forever, but my kids are 7 and 10 and they need my full focus right now, so before covid when I did date, no one ever got near my kids. They've never met a man I've dated, and they wont for a long time. I dont want to be single forever, but I have zero intentions of moving a man in with my kids. Because of that, it's just not something I think about.

I don't have any of your issues, but if I did, I would absolutely not be thinking about improving myself for the chance at a boyfriend. I would be improving myself for my children.

She has regular contact with her dad and a solid relationship with her step mum too. Her support network is huge

Living with them would probably be a good idea.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

No I didn't miss anything, she's acknowledged she was wrong, has said what steps she's going to take. She doesn't need a pile on right now

Kick him out b4 the cops arrive with there big red key and let themselves in,!!

crimestoppers number to ring about cuckooing. You said you're scared of him, and it's escalating, once the plants are grown you'll have all sorts of dodgy people coming round smoking dope in your house, you need to be firm now.

crimestoppers-uk.org/campaigns-media/news/2018/mar/let-s-stop-cuckooing?gclid=Cj0KCQiA1pyCBhCtARIsAHaY_5fS9lx6MqDnhs48NYkfOb8y3IbsUZLWsq3RVTXx9CiLhQk078m1pM8aApArEALw_wcB

[quote FuckyouCovid21]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

No I didn't miss anything, she's acknowledged she was wrong, has said what steps she's going to take. She doesn't need a pile on right now[/quote]
I really don’t think we are on the same page about the seriousness of the situation, and the affect this has on her child.

I think it’s beyond naive to think that this is in way an isolated incident when OP is already making plans for the next man. Only a matter of time before something REALLY awful happens to her child, if I knew her in person I would be absolutely intervening with police/SS.

@Esspee

Cancel the bank card, get any remaining drug stuff out of the house and see about making your home secure. If you have a Yale lock you don’t need a locksmith. Buy a new core (the bit in the middle which comes with new keys). It is simple to replace the old core with the new one and costs far less than a new lock.

A Yale is very easy to “kick in”- had this happen as a teenager in a horrid rented place- Mortice locks top and bottom are really essential these days ESPECIALLY when mixing with dodgy types.

"But I'm doing what I can now to put it right and make life safe and peaceful for me and my daughter."

Except actually getting external help from professionals outside of the situation?!

"I'm not proud of any of it but for my actions today yes I'm proud"

As well as being contradictory this is frighteningly delusional.

You're worried that the police put you in danger by giving an abusive ex your address, yet you can't see the danger of MOVING A FWB INTO YOUR HOME?! Who then turned out to be a violent, coercive drug addict, but, you know, that's not your fault cos you didn't know about that, and of course, at 34 you can't possibly be single and focus on your teenage daughter, of course you need a bit of fun in your life in the form of a stoner shag.

This is actually worse AFTER the bloke moved out, it's just created a vacancy for the next abuser.