Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

He has a lot of money.
A lot.
I genuinely had no idea until the house.

I never got extravagant gifts. We went a couple of times to nice restaurants, but I certainly never had a clue. I used to offer to pay half often! And always chose the cheapest thing on the menu. I was an idiot.

That makes me sound like a gold digger. I’m not. I genuinely thought he was a down to earth guy and all his money went on family life. That was fine with me.

I gave up my house in the divorce. Took less than I was entitled to just to get it all done with. Plus of course I felt horrendously guilty. I didn’t, and don’t care about money. I just wanted a chance of happiness.

You're not going to find true happiness with this man @honeyandbutterontoast when he has caused you a decade of misery and turmoil.

Free yourself from him. Sell your house and find somewhere for a fresh start. Pay the money back if you feel bad about it but that's it.

@honeyandbutterontoast

You're putting a man who doesn't want a future with you before your emotional and financial wellbeing and that if your children.

You already took less than you were entitled to in the divorce.

You need to have some counselling to get to the root of why you think men's wants come before women and children's needs.

It's very unhealthy behaviour.

He's minted and the money he put in is literally legally a gift. He's financially absolutely fine.

He is married and doesn't want that to change or he would have left. He's emotionally absolutely fine.

Your inaction is only damaging you and your kids.

Why not try what I suggested upthread and block all contact other than one new email address, to discuss anything necessary legally, then once the house is sold, block that too?

I suspect your inaction isn't driven by guilt or feeling it would be 'wrong' to sell up. You don't want to block him because you don't really want it to be over. But it never started in the first place.

I'm being brutally honest because you are wasting your life on someone who doesn't care about you or your children.

I’m sad to sell up. I don’t think it is wrong to do so, I have no choice! And it wasn’t possible last year really to go and find a new area to live because of lockdowns and other life crap I had going on. I have to do it.

I don’t want him to know I’m moving. He’s guilted me about it before, how I’m destroying “our” future etc. I need to go NC and get away so he can’t just turn up here.

Oh and in terms of why I behave this way... abused by my stepdad, met exh at 16, decades of abusive marriage. No excuse but I didn’t really know anything different.

Would you consider some counselling? It would be life changing to change the dynamic you have with men in your life, which has been created by your stepdad then reinforced with an abusive relationship (likely predatory from day one if you were 16) consisting of years of abuse.

You need to break the cycle so you don't end up unwittingly modelling this dynamic to your kids.

Please do see both a solicitor and a counsellor to try and make active steps to move forwards with your life.

I actually think you are in quite a good possition for an ap.

He has gifted you the house if it is in your name only, you must see a solicitor to find out whether he does have some interest in it.

You could stay where you are if you love it, or move. It sounds as though his intrest is waning in you, maybe he wants this arrangement to end and just cannot tell you.
I also think he believes you will never tell his wife, he picked you for that reason.

I'm sure he's more bothered about you causing ructions in his marriage than taking his money reguarding the house.
Move on and chalk it down to experience, concentrate on your children and in future always put them first.

No man should EVER come before your children.

@honeyandbutterontoast I think do what's right for you. If that's staying or selling. I don't think you owe him the money if he wasn't smart enough to legally protect himself. If you stay, he can have his half when you eventually sell when it's right for you. If you leave, either pay him back or arrange to in later years if you feel inclined. He deserves the financial hit for putting you through this. The best thing you can do is remove him from your life

I can’t stay in this house. I can not afford the bills or the maintenance of it. It isn’t a house I would have chosen on my own. I wanted a small house, in a cheap area, a long way from where I am. But I got convinced of how this was a good idea. I’ve struggled for the last couple of years, but not being able to work for most of the last year was the final straw. We can stay for another six months or so max before we are in serious trouble.

Sorry, that’s off topic.

Keeping the money feels wrong. But then I remind myself of all the awful things he did, and it doesn’t seem so clear cut.

I just wish I understood why he won’t just let me go. What is the point to this for him?

Had therapy, can’t afford any more. I will try and book a solicitor next week, but I’m not sure how much it will cost. I may have to wait a month or so.

I just wish I understood why he won’t just let me go. What is the point to this for him?

Attention
Ego boost
Safe back up
Sex when covid restrictions lift
Someone to manipulate
Person to speak to when home life is crap
Escapism

He's. A. Cunt.

It's that simple.

You're an adult with children and you need to reframe "why won't he let me go?" because it removes responsibility from you. He doesn't need to "let you go", YOU need to go!

You don't need his permission to move on. He's even bloody said the money was a gift, legally.

Put you and your kids first. Take control.

Solicitor.
Plan of action.
No contact.
Move on.

@honeyandbutterontoast He doesn't get to dictate your life. He is not letting you go because he knows that you'll hand around for him.

Come one, it's high time you put yourself first and do what's best for you and your dcs. He is not behaving responsibly and someone has to in this awful situation.

Reclaim your life and leave him to it. You are not responsible for what happens to him next.

Thank you.
In terms of going NC is it okay just to block everything without a final message? Because I have tried saying can we end things, could you stop contacting me, even asking for a couple of weeks break. But he just says he doesn’t want to.

I guess I’m worried he will try and get his money back. I’ve seen a different side to him over the last year or so, like many people Covid has changed him and I’m not sure how he will react when things aren’t going his way. I want a move to be on my terms not to be forced to sell to free up the money when I haven’t got a plan in place.

If you have already tried telling him that you are going NC and he's ignored your wishes, I wouldn't even dignify him with a final message. He will probably see the message and get you to break NC and then you'll be stuck in the cycle again.

Block and delete his number and in all social media.

Sell up and pay him back if you feel guilty about the money.

Stop worrying about how he will react because that is what he is banking on. You complying to his wishes out of fear, guilt and obligation. He will probably take it badly, but ride it out and don't let him wear you down and control you.

You can be free.

Op are you actually scared of him? His responses to you ending it.

It is a quite a unique situation as his hold over you financially is frankly a little sinister.
Could you contact Womens Aid if you feel unsure of his response.
You may or may not have legal rights regarding the house but you must break away from his control.
Your life is not your own and I think you are being controlled.

You are not tied to him with children, I would re gain your life back and then can be free to choose someone who is available for you.

No I’m not scared of him. I think I’m just exhausted with everything at the moment.

Yes the financial stuff has been tricky, if anything has gone wrong in the house I’ve basically had to beg him for help. Which I hate, I can’t even begin to explain the way it makes me feel. To the extent I got a bank loan last year to pay for some repairs rather than ask (That I couldn’t afford). It’s manipulation and mind games and it is absolutely bloody exhausting.

I’ve tried to discuss the fact that I want to sell and move, but just got told I only need to ask for more money if I need it. And then what? I live alone for the next ten years in this warped situation? I don’t want money, I don’t want someone to act as though they have bought me. Because I believe he thinks he has. Certainly the man he is now bears no relation to the one I thought he was before I moved here.

I wouldn't discuss this any further with him.
First stop book solicitor's appointment.

Know where you stand financially.
Sell the house, have you any family that could help support you or come to stay.?
Although you are the ow you are being financially and emotionally abused.
Contact Women's Aid they may be able to offer advice into breaking free from him.
I hate men like this, they think they can buy anything or anybody.

No I don’t have any family who can help.

I feel like such an idiot over all of this. Such a stupid situation to have got myself into. He used to be the opposite of my exh, but now it’s like being in that all over again.

I only have myself to blame, I made stupid decisions because I genuinely thought he cared. I mean who the hell buys a house with someone but never intends to live in it?!!

I’ve emailed the solicitors who handled the house purchase to ask if they can clarify the wording of the letter. Then I need to sit tight and get exams out of the way before I can move.

I don’t want him to turn up on the doorstep. I don’t think he will but if he’s hoping for an after lockdown shag I suppose he might, or if he realises I’m planning to sell. I don’t understand any of his behaviour. I know he keeps an eye on rightmove etc to see if I’ve put it up for sale.

I only have myself to blame,

no no no no no no no . You made the best decisions you could at the time .

He and his actions are hugely to blame .He sounds so unloving ,so uncaring .Cruel and selfish .What's it to him if you sell and move away ? He doesn't support you emotionally or practically and leaves you in a situation where you are struggling .Why ? Because he wants to control you .

Right. Even if you were to blame. So what? So bloody what? It's been a mistake but you don't need to be in some kind of purgatory forever more.

It seems like a life half lived - what a wake up call this guy will get when you move on. It won't be solved overnight and honestly it'll probably get harder before it gets better but nothing will get better in your current situation unless you change it.

Day 2 and it's so hard. I don't want to be NC, I just want to stop chasing and see what happens when I do. So far nothing happens

How's everyone else doing?

@LoveIsAllThereIs did you go NC just to show him you can do it? Do you actually want to keep the affair?

I am week 2 today! Still feels hard but a little bit less bad than it did on day 1, hoping it keeps improving as days go by. It is normal to be upset for a while I do have hope it is for everyone’s long term happiness.

I can’t even begin to read any more posts than the first!
That made me angry enough.
Selfish dicks, any of you who think it’s OK to have an affair!

@starluna
It's a bit complicated. I'm separating now so it's not really an affair anymore, but he thinks it is until we are living apart and I don't have to hide it. So he called it off a few months ago until I'm in that position. Since then we've been in touch but he's kept a friendly vibe and I've tried to keep it to what it was, and in the most part feel like I chase for that attention from him. So I decided to stop being the one to initiate conversation or meeting up. I didn't tell him, I just decided that's what I'd do.

Well done on 2 weeks! Has he tried to get in touch? What do you find the hardest?

@LoveIsAllThereIs It does sound complicated, did you separate because of AP or were there more reasons? Did you say previously he is single? Doesn’t sound nice from him specially as you are going through the separation. Yes perhaps doing what you are trying to will make he see that he also needs to put in the effort and hopefully it is not that he is having second thoughts?

No he hasn’t! We have deleted each other from any social media and I also deleted his number to stop any temptation. In my case the hardest is to imagine what it would have been to be with him, I ended things because I couldn’t go through the leaving our partners to be together, I don’t feel capable of causing so much pain to innocent people because we decided to have an affair, it is also a bit complicated.... I know this was the right decision and I am trying to stay focused and positive about the future, only time will tell.