Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

@starluna

Well done you've done so well to get this far. Are you likely to bump into him when the normal world resumes? How are you feeling about your partner now? Do you feel closer to him? Do you want to be with him? Or just feel you should? It's hard to act normal when you're feeling so awful isn't it?

Yes my AP is single. Am I leaving for him is a question I ask myself everyday. I was unhappy a long time before him, but not sure I would have left. He made me realise what life could feel like with someone else.I don't want to go through all this to be alone though, but I know staying married would be out of convenience and not love. I think he's been really unfair in this. It's although he thinks he can get out of any guilt by being this way. He said he feels pressured by me leaving for him and doesn't want the guilt (he already carries a lot of guilt from his divorce years ago. Not related to me). I do think maybe he's having second thoughts, but I've given him the opportunity to back out and be honest about that so many times and he says he wants us to be together eventually. Actions speak louder than words though don't they?

Since I heard from OM last week, I feel like my resentment to DP has been building up. I got drunk last night and texted OM. It’s my fault, I really am so angry with myself. DS has been up of and on since 3am. DP has been making little passive aggressive digs in bed like ‘I think it’s your voice that’s keeping him awake”, while I sing to DS to try and calm him down - while doing f/all to help. I’ve just smashed a cup in the kitchen.

@lighthousecow
Drink is terrible for making everything seem worse, but we all do it. Did OM reply?

Take yourself off for a long walk on your own and a bit of space if you can. Might make you feel better

And his left his lunchbox full of rubbish, dirty cups/plates on the side like ‘here you are’ ‘that’s for you to sort out’ - he literally did nothing when he got in at 8pm. His dinner was cooked. I’d sorted out the children, tidied up. He managed to get his dirty stuff into the kitchen which I guess I should be grateful for? It’s usually left in the hallway or next to the sofa.

Now he’s having a lie in, and then he blames me if I let him oversleep.

But THIS is the behaviour cycle that happens every time. Every. Bloody. Single. Time. Is it too early for a drink now?

@LoveIsAllThereIs thanks, you are right. I shall go for a walk with DS this morning - and no wine in the shopping this week. I’ve GOT to go back to NC. I going to block - I’m so damn angry with myself.

Oh Lighthouse I'm reading your recent posts and those you made less recently .

that resentment was there before the affair started (feeling undervalued and solely in charge of mental load/housework etc) - then child/working added to that, I felt very depressed - and that’s when affair started. And after the affair began, I continued to do it all - but it felt more manageable. Probably because I knew I had an outlet elsewhere

I have never been honest with myself - or perhaps anyone about my feelings - or dismissed them as childish or stupid. And I don’t know why I have them. My instinct is that DP and I never felt strongly about each other, but we worked well on paper. From his side, I don’t feel particularly valued - he sees me very much as a traditional housewife, so all organising/housework/childcare is me - including when I’m working. He does help when asked, but it’s never proactive or forthcoming. I accept this now. And of course me not valuing DP means I’ve had an affair

I relate to your feelings so much . My DP sounds a lot like yours ,very trad views ,leaves 90% of housekeeping to me .I've had this for 30 years and what hits me now is the selfishness the lack of concern for others .He takes no responsibilty for decisions ,I have always been unsupported emotionally .

Looking back I'm ashamed of the way I've dealt with the situation .I've not confronted him or tried to get through to him - I've found ways of escape ,first alcohol and now fantasy .The latter sounds similar to your "I've met him twice over the last 3 years " .

I wish I'd been brave and ripped the plaster off years ago by seperating from DP .It feels too late and too cruel now .

@peridito thank you - does sound v similar! I don’t want lockdown to end, in lockdown I didn’t have a choice. I homeschooled, I did all the house stuff - but now my money is running out. I need to get back to work again. And the resentment will build, and build. I have tried SO many times to make him see - but all I can put it down to is simply not caring/or an inability to put the needs of others above his own. But this is daily, and my justification to myself is I’m therefore allowed to be a shitty, thoughtless, selfish person once a year. And I can’t separate because my children are thriving, they are so happy - and they adore him. They are sensitive souls, and a break up would destroy them.

But the lack of responsibility for decision making - it drives me insane. To the extent that I have to list the items he needs when he leaves the house - and then if I’ve forgotten something on that list - it’s my fault?? I’ve sorted out all the shopping with my dwindling finances - but all I get is complaints, digs about what’s been ordered. But it’s all healthy (apart from the wine), we always have food, and all cooked for him.

Oh Lighthouse .. I don't get criticised ,not verbally but I can tell he's sick of me .I don't blame him ,I'm sure my resentment shows .

I do think you should seperate ,children are adaptable ,they will still have a relationship with him .It's not good for them to have this model of a relationship where the female takes all the responsibilty . All cliches I know ,but cliches are such because they're true .

I’m not going to comment on anyone’s relationships as obviously I haven’t had to live with your partners and haven’t a clue about how hard you’ve tried to get through to them.

However:
Even if you’ve tried a thousand times to get through to them and they’re not listening or don’t seem to want to change, please sit them down and tell them that your marriage is at real crisis point. Sometimes the problem is that they don’t get how bad it really is and need the threat of separation as a kick up the arse. They need to know where you are at. Tell them that you have entertained the possibility of a separation because of it. That it is on the verge of collapse. It’s the extent of how bad it is that they don’t understand, or are refusing to look at. That much they do deserve, and you deserve them to invest in the relationship, as they do you. They do not deserve to be betrayed.

On reading these posts, when contact with the OM is mentioned, the list of partners’ faults gets longer and longer. It starts to sound like justifications to betray them, or excuse your behaviour.
No matter how much you resent them, no matter how bad your relationship is, it’s not their fault you are having an affair. The state of your relationship is partly their fault. Your subsequent choices on how to deal with that are truly not. They are responsible for 50% of your relationship, that is all. And yes, they need to do something about their 50%. They really, really do. Their behaviour is not acceptable. That is their responsibility and they need to start listening and changing their behaviour. The other 50% of the relationship is your responsibility. It takes two people to make a crappy relationship. And two to fix it. If your attention is elsewhere, you are not dealing with it either.

How you deal with the unhappiness that their behaviour within the relationship causes is your choice. Your actions are your responsibility, your way of dealing with the problems in the relationship. Not his fault that you chose infidelity. Nobody signs up for betrayal and the pain is beyond measure. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Relationship issues are never black and white and nobody wants to upset their children. But to deprive your partner of the ability of making choices about the relationship by lying to them, either directly, or by secrecy and omission, is totally unfair, no matter how crappy their behaviour.

Contact with the OM guarantees that your resentment with your partner will go sky high. Resentment and fault-listing makes you feel less guilty and reinforces that somehow you deserve happiness at their expense and even that it serves them right at some level. Nobody deserves happiness at the potential devastation of other people through betrayal, and it doesn’t serve them right.

Lighthousecow is spot on putting alcohol and fantasy together, they are both painkillers to avoid dealing with the relationship issues. The OM is no better for you nor serving any other purpose than too much wine.
The difference is that one results in a headache and a broken cup, and the other results in dropping your moral standards and many broken hearts.

@LoveIsAllThereIs thank you so much! We are not likely to bump into each other at all, no connections in the real world. I do feel closer to my husband and try to see the many wonderful things he does for me. I think it is a bit of both, I want to be with him and also feel I have to, he has done nothing wrong to deserve this. It is so bloody hard when the first thing on my head when I wake up and last when I go to bed is AP

Argg sounds really frustrating with AP. I think of your relationship with your DH is not going well then perhaps separating is the best, even if you do not end up with AP you know what life could be to be with someone you love. Yes I also do not believe in words but acts are what really counts he can tell you all these things but if he si not actually supporting you then I would be very suspicious. What would you do if he then decides not to be with you? Sorry not being cruel but perhaps is something to consider so if it happens you are somehow prepared?

@Thewookiemustgo is completely right!

Having an affair removes you from your life. You’re not fully present in your life or the life of your significant other or children.

Affairs are fantasy, a wonderful fantasy....where underwear always matches, no one burps or farts, leaves their clothes on the bathroom floor or hogs the remote.
ITS NOT REAL LIFE....it’s the shiny Disney version of life. Which means your own life in comparison looks tarnished, crappy, boring and grey. Likewise your husband or wife suddenly seems like a massive drag, their faults are magnified whilst the AP rises up into a shiny fantastical position.......which actually isn’t even who they really are.

It’s hard to see it when you’re in an affair, but the truth is......that knight in shining armour is most likely just a twat in tin foil.....

A twat in tinfoil 😃

Yep. I cringe at what I thought AP was offering. It was just words. Limerance and love bombing.

@Lindyhoppity in my past I dated plenty of twats in tinfoil! 😂😂 I shall unashamedly steal this for future use. 😂

My husband’s AP was his escape from his problems. To his credit he’s never said I was one of them, but like all decades-long relationships, I could have done more and so could he. When I discovered his affair, it was in full swing. Been going on for a year, physical and emotional. Total cliché, nearly 20 years my junior, gym bunny etc etc. She had been cheating on her partner but had finished it about 5 months into their affair, claiming it was a bad relationship and nothing to do with him or the affair. Presumably not to scare him off early on. He told me on discovery that he would end it immediately and wanted to save our marriage. He didn’t end it immediately, unbeknownst to me. Easy to hide this, she was at the other end of a long commute from where we lived. Our finances outed him and told the truth and proved how long it went on for and when it actually finished.
This caused terrible damage to trust when I found this out, I had proof that it limped on for three more weeks. It was rock bottom.

Whilst horror struck that he could still lie and see her when I was on my knees, whilst being lovely to me and begging forgiveness, taking me out, buying me flowers and having hysterical bonding sex like bloody rabbits (🙄), hindsight showed me that
a) he felt suicidal that had been a total shit to me and didn’t want to be a shit twice over to another woman and just dump and run. Most importantly:
b) he ended it himself. Not because I told him to. Because he wanted to. Because in the light of reality, seeing what he stood to lose, shiny became tinfoil. He was in love with the affair, the situation, not his AP.
Young sex crazy gym bunny who adored him and made him feel good about himself became shameful doesn’t-get-my-cultural-references-too-young-for- me-demanding-problem.

The point of this sorry tale is to echo @Lindyhoppity. The OM isn’t all they are cracked up to be and you risk them thinking about you in the same way. You might be a drug of choice, not special and loved. Who wants to be that?
My husband said (he’d got no reason to lie any further, he’d been searingly honest about the physical and emotional side and nothing he said could have hurt me more, he understood that I needed the truth to process everything) has said that the thing that astonished him the most was the speed at which that the kick on the arse administered by discovery burst the bubble, and that his ‘feelings’ for his AP evaporated. He realised that rather than ‘the special one’ she could have been anybody. She was his drug of choice, he didn’t really love her as a person. He said that it only went on so long because “she’d continued to make herself available to me.” He said it was part of the fantasy role. The other life. He was amazed that in a few days, this woman went from his romantic obsession to a symbol of all his shame and guilt. I doubt she’d recognise him in a word of this if she could read this today. She thought he loved her. He was desperate to get out, so he arranged to meet her and ended it. Instead of being full of longing, missing her and wishing they could have been together, there was just relief that he could go back to his old life and invest in the woman he really loved, who had given him a second chance. He was happy in himself for the first time in months, less stressed and more authentic.
When I got upset from triggers reminding me of the two of them together he would cry with frustration that I saw it as this beautiful memory that he had, which hurt me to the core. His frustration was this: “You really don’t get it. She’s not a beautiful memory. I want to forget it all. I can’t stand myself. I hate who I am, I hate what I did, I hate how I hurt you, I hate what it did to my life and what it still could do. It’s no beautiful memory. It’s actually my nightmare. I still can’t believe I was that person. It was total madness. ”

Don’t be the woman who listens to their crap and keeps longing for them. You’re quite likely to be a symptom of their issues, not the answer. Don’t be the woman who is ‘available’. This sort of shit can only go on as long as it remains a fantasy. The vast majority of affairs are two people playing games on fantasy island. The main game seems to be working out what the other person really needs to hear and saying it. Wrapped up in tinfoil.

@thewookiemustgoon
Thanks for sharing, and so much truth in there. I'm glad you managed to work through it. I've been on the receiving end too, so I know how it feels from both sides.

@lindyhoppity love the tin foil reference. I can even see that reality in my own situation already. I think affairs are less about the person, and more about being the person you want to be. The best version of yourself that isn't appreciated at home.

@starluna
The reality of him bit being there is a very very real one. I've almost come to terms with it. When he backs off I don't want to run back to my husband. I wish I did. I think that shows that maybe we were over anyway and with him or without him maybe this is my path. I also think I'll never know for sure until I'm out of it.

and that knight in shinning armour is most likely just a twat in tin foil......

and that little miss gorgeous is usually a younger version of a woman that finds the older man attractive, because he is, and is someone if they were the same age they would not have been able to 'pull' him when he was younger or at the same age as them.

All married women think this.
The man you pull at the same age as you are the men that are at your standard. So if you have an affair you are basically dissapointed in yourself that you could not get what you think you deserved, whether financially or attractive wise.

Controversial?

@Thewookiemustgo your posts are so helpful and insightful.

I am in your husbands shoes in that I could use those words. My DH doesn't know I cheated (it was brief) but the guilt and shame are awful.

@ginandcv thank you. Think I’ve responded to you before about this. I’ve also read your honest posts and read your story. If you feel guilty and remorseful it’s because you’re not a bad person. Don’t beat yourself up any more. Put it behind you now and enjoy real life with your husband.
Interesting about ages and pulling standards. I guess it depends what people want. I read a survey which said in general that younger women in affairs tend to value and seek security and resources and men want youth and beauty. Obviously not true in all cases but in my husband’s it was. She apparently asked a lot about the seniority of his role and where he was in the company and kept returning to the subject. He was paying cash at the time (shitloads of it from different accounts) to keep the evidence off the credit cards, so it must have looked bloody impressive. But grim though screwing an older guy in a hotel who then pays with a big wad of cash, showing everyone you’re his dirty little secret. 🤢Because she was with her partner at first, then had to move to a flat share because she couldn’t afford anything else when she moved out, they had to go to hotels. Big shiny five star ones, bottles of champagne, dinner etc etc. His affair cost thousands over the year. It was part of the character he was playing. Not unsurprisingly she loved it. She didn’t want my husband, she wanted my lifestyle. Without the cash she wouldn’t have given him a second glance. I remember when I was very angry once telling him that if he’d been behind the bar where he pulled her, rather than the other side of it, she’d never have given him a second glance. I’m still pretty sure that’s true. Her readily available youth and sex in exchange for what she thought was the potential for a wealthy secure future. Made them both more attractive in each other’s eyes. So yeah, needy younger woman looking for rich father figure meets older rich guy in full midlife crisis miles away from home every day, in need of an ego boost. Perfect dysfunctional storm. 🙄

@thewookiemustgo
I'm sure that dynamic is very true for many affairs, and I bet young men her age couldn't manage that lifestyle so I can see how it's attractive, almost more than the person. However to balance it, she ultimately lost what lifestyle she did have with her partner and is now in a worse position. I too, will be in a worse position financially and from a security perspective in leaving my husband. In my position it's therefore the opposite. Trading financial security and lifestyle, for that feeling of being in love, and living. Not just parents and existing. In fact I'm not even trading for it, more for the hope of it eventually one day, maybe.

@LoveIsAllThereIs

So financially you are worse off with your ap, but would you say you have traded up in some way, looks or intellegence for example?

@LoveIsAllThereIs I hope you find love, I really do, and I hope you can start to really live again. It’s a much better thing to pursue than money.

But be under no illusion in my case. She didn’t ‘lose’ the lifestyle she had with her partner, she chose to walk out of it. She gambled with her financial security. She didn’t even bother to tell her partner that he was being dumped for someone else. He was told it just wasn’t working between them. She didn’t leave straightaway when she knew she wanted out to ‘look for love’. She stayed, lied, and secretly went after another man. She wasn’t squeamish about continuing to enjoy his financial security whilst she cheated on him for five more months until she was sure she could get what she wanted, and didn’t bother to leave her more comfortable lifestyle until she felt sure she had the next (even better) one lined up. Her subsequent behaviour showed exactly what she was after and why. The worse position she might be in now (no idea what is going on in her life or where exactly she is living, I’ve never even seen her and I have no interest.) was all her own doing.
If a relationship is over and you know it is, you leave before embarking on an affair and looking for love, security or anything else. Leaving a stale relationship for financial security or love, or leaving financial security for love, or for whatever reason is absolutely fine. Being complicit in betrayal isn’t. Using a duped partner to provide security whilst you work on your exit relationship isn’t.
Her being left in a worse financial position ‘balances’ nothing. All her own choices. There’s no ‘balance’ in affairs until all parties know the truth. Until then the affair partners hold all the cards. Once the balance is redressed it’s a whole other ball game.
Anyway, the thread is about going NC and staying that way. These cautionary tales hopefully show why this is the best course of action for everyone.

[quote Onthedunes]@LoveIsAllThereIs

So financially you are worse off with your ap, but would you say you have traded up in some way, looks or intellegence for example?[/quote]
Worse off on my own I mean. I don't think I've traded up. They are different in lots of ways. They both have lovely but different qualities, it just depends what you're looking for

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@LoveIsAllThereIs I hope you find love, I really do, and I hope you can start to really live again. It’s a much better thing to pursue than money.

But be under no illusion in my case. She didn’t ‘lose’ the lifestyle she had with her partner, she chose to walk out of it. She gambled with her financial security. She didn’t even bother to tell her partner that he was being dumped for someone else. He was told it just wasn’t working between them. She didn’t leave straightaway when she knew she wanted out to ‘look for love’. She stayed, lied, and secretly went after another man. She wasn’t squeamish about continuing to enjoy his financial security whilst she cheated on him for five more months until she was sure she could get what she wanted, and didn’t bother to leave her more comfortable lifestyle until she felt sure she had the next (even better) one lined up. Her subsequent behaviour showed exactly what she was after and why. The worse position she might be in now (no idea what is going on in her life or where exactly she is living, I’ve never even seen her and I have no interest.) was all her own doing.
If a relationship is over and you know it is, you leave before embarking on an affair and looking for love, security or anything else. Leaving a stale relationship for financial security or love, or leaving financial security for love, or for whatever reason is absolutely fine. Being complicit in betrayal isn’t. Using a duped partner to provide security whilst you work on your exit relationship isn’t.
Her being left in a worse financial position ‘balances’ nothing. All her own choices. There’s no ‘balance’ in affairs until all parties know the truth. Until then the affair partners hold all the cards. Once the balance is redressed it’s a whole other ball game.
Anyway, the thread is about going NC and staying that way. These cautionary tales hopefully show why this is the best course of action for everyone.[/quote]
They're really helpful insights from different perspectives. It's so easy to get lost in your own head sometimes