Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

@Thewookiemustgo

Things can go spectacularly wrong in all relationships. Even really good ones. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not the love of your life. You can be a total arse to the love of your life, you can be attracted to other people after you’ve met the love of your life, but who do you really want to be with? Whose love do you really need when the chips are down?

APs can sometimes obviously turn into life partners and some people are married to the wrong person. To cling onto this idea and think ah, that must be us. We’re the special ones. We’re different, is what your AP will rely on heavily. Your desperation that he really loves you. He might. He might even think he does. But he probably doesn’t. The success story statistics are very small and I’m afraid men use the ‘my marriage is dead/dying’ and ‘I don’t love my wife any more’ as age-old reasons to make their AP feel special and like their saviour. To keep the goodies coming. They will find out what you want to hear (usually not that difficult to guess if you’re already willing to overlook the fact that they’re attached) and say it in spades.
I think an affair is a sign that something is amiss with the man and his marriage, which he is avoiding dealing with by taking a trip to Fantasy Island. Doesn’t mean his wife or partner isn’t necessarily the love of his life though. I knew someone who would never, ever leave his wife, she could do no wrong in his eyes and he loved her deeply. Couldn’t keep it in his pants for toffee though. Deeply flawed individual.
Affairs are a sign that something is wrong, absolutely, but usually something wrong with the person having an affair on a personal level and not always a problem with his wife or marriage necessarily. Doesn’t excuse the behaviour in any way, but it doesn’t always mean they don’t love their wife or partner.

He has narc tendencies and loves an ego boost. His daughter is grown up now but I suspect he was one of those men who felt 'left out' /neglected when she came along He had a previous affair ten years or so ago. I think he likes the comfy pair of slippers his wife is to him whilst also stepping out in his fancy Fendi's

I need help.
I need to go NC, I have to. But I seem to lack any strength to do so. I have absolutely had enough and can’t see how to end this and get some semblance of a life back.

@honeyandbutterontoast whats your story? Im on day 8. Ive just finished working for him so we have been in email chain’s together.
Its hard but think of it as one day at a time

I met him nine years ago. I was married at the time. My DH was emotionally/financially/ sexually abusive, not using that as an excuse but that was my life.

I left my DH to be with him. He knew I wanted more children etc. A happy family. I had time then to have all of that. That was our plan (I thought).

He has never left his DW. Years of promising to. But never a step towards it. And of course it is now too late for me to have more children. Somehow that seems the worst bit of this.

He owns half the house I live in, he wanted me to be somewhere near enough that he could see me when it suited him. Only problem is I can’t afford the bills now I’ve lost my job (thanks Covid). The plan was we bought the house together and he got to know my kids then moved in down the line. Didn’t happen. So I live in a house that was supposed to be “ours” alone. And lay awake every night wondering how to manage financially.

He hasn’t seen me since before the first lockdown. It got to be a pattern that if I did something that annoyed him (Eg asking “hey, any chance you are leaving your wife anytime soon?”) that he would refuse to see me. A way of punishing me I guess. And it has been a horrendous punishment to be alone all through this. I’ve had really serious issues with my kids and a cancer scare, and I’ve done it alone. I don’t even know what I did wrong the last time I saw him.

I have no idea wtf im still in this. Every day he says he will change/sort things/show me he cares for me. Yet nothing. A couple of emails a day if I’m lucky. He didn’t even send me a Christmas gift. I don’t understand what the point is for him?

God, I sound pathetic. I feel pathetic. I want to move away from here to somewhere he doesn’t know, cut contact, and finally be able to breathe. Every day I feel I’m not enough.

I’ve wasted almost a decade of my life. And for what?

I have tried before to go NC. Last time was Christmas Day. I caved before the day was over.

I don’t care anymore that me ending it will make him unhappy and like he can’t go on. I want my life back.

Oh @honeyandbutterontoast, that sounds awful but you know he is unreliable, he promised much and still hasn't delivered.

His loyalties are divided so don't even make him choose. You absolutely have to remove him from your life as he has taken so much of it already. Please reclaim what is yours and block him from all sources of contact because you cannot just allow him to dictate the relationship on his terms.

You are not being fair on yourself and he is not being fair on anyone. Does his wife know about this?

I think you are at a point where you can't afford to care what he thinks if you end the relationship because it doesn't look like he cared for your feelings.

You really don't need him in your life.

I don’t think she knows. I don’t know.

The house complicates everything. I feel trapped.

@catherineofarrogance80 - you're not seriously likening his wife to a pair of slippers and the mistress to a pair of Fendi's?! You surmise that this is his attitude but you don't know for sure that this is his attitude, surely? This would be a rather misogynistic attitude to put forward in a NC support thread don't you think?

@honeyandbutterontoast jesus that sounds a nightmare. You have the upper hand here. You could expose all this to his wife. That gives you power. Get some legal advice on the house and get your life back. Don't listen when he says he'll now leave. He's had his chances for a decade.

He’s said before he wants me to tell her. That then it would all be in the open and stop his guilt.
That’s why I haven’t. I’m not being used in that way. I have no doubt they would stay married so what would be the point in all that drama?

@honeyandbutterontoast

I don’t think she knows. I don’t know.

The house complicates everything. I feel trapped.

How on earth did he manage to buy half a house without his wife knowing?!

Epochtime
Money. I had no idea until the house that he had money to do that. He used cash.

@honeyandbutterontoast

He’s said before he wants me to tell her. That then it would all be in the open and stop his guilt. That’s why I haven’t. I’m not being used in that way. I have no doubt they would stay married so what would be the point in all that drama?

That is absolutely cowardly on his part as he is using you to avoid responsibility for ending his marriage.

The guilt will only stop if he confesses and accepts whatever the consequences of that may be.

He's not taking any responsibility here, but someone has to act responsibly, so take your life back and end contact with him now. Do not allow this person back in your life.

@catherineofarrogance80

That’s really sad. 😢 If he’s a narc then both women in the equation need to run like the wind, there’ll be no remorse or change for the better there, whoever he chooses to stay with. After two affairs he’s no prize. A midlife crisis mistake from a man of previous good character might, just might, deserve a second chance, but then affair two? Nope.

My point was that the ‘fancy pair of Fendis’ sometimes get told that that is all the man really wants, and are led to believe that they are preferred and superior in some way to the ‘comfy pair of slippers’ and that the slippers are about to get binned at some point. This can be total bollocks. They actually love the slippers. Hard to believe when he is pursuing you, flattering you, telling you that you are the highlight of his life, meant to be etc and taking risks to be with you. He is most likely taking risks for the opportunity and the high of the affair, not the AP as a person. The AP finds out very quickly how many risks he’s prepared to take for them and how much they really matter on discovery. It will either die on impact or limp on for a short while whilst they try to let you down gently. It could be a pack of lies to the wife to get what they want, and a pack of lies to their AP to make sure it keeps on comin’. Total madness.
When it’s a choice between the Fendis or the slippers, the slippers are usually the choice. Not always because the man is settling for something inferior, he is making an active choice here. Nobody is holding a gun to his head and he’s clearly no saint so not martyring himself on the altar of a perfect love vs. duty.
It’s still possible that they love the comfy pair of slippers and that’s where they want to be.
If I’d ever been an AP, I’d like to think when it ended that the world was full of ‘noble’ men who are grief-stricken and really do mean it when they say they love me, but have to end it because of the children, or duty, or whatever twaddle they peddle to excuse their hasty, cowardly retreat.
Most men capable of affairs have already shown that they will do exactly what they want. That’s what they’ll do in a tight corner. Exactly what they want to do. If they stay with their wives or partners it’s because they want to. This obviously chucks all the crap they spouted about their shit marriage/ shit wife out of the window and the AP is left realising their wife wasn’t the only woman being lied to.
I genuinely feel sorry for everyone involved in these situations. Rarely any winners.

@honeyandbutterontoast ugh! Me being suspicious and cynical old me, I saw this from another angle, it almost looks like he’s trying you out here. Trying to find out if you’d ever tell his wife. Or if you’re a safe bet to carry on the affair with.
What on Earth would the difference be who told her? He’s guilty either way and would come off far better to his wife by confessing than having you do it. It’s way more cruel for her to hear this from you (this happened to my best friend and she thought it was way, way worse) so in theory he should feel even more guilty!
You’re either being tried out or he’s hiding behind you. Either way he’s despicable. 🤢

@honeyandbutterontoast

He’s said before he wants me to tell her. That then it would all be in the open and stop his guilt. That’s why I haven’t. I’m not being used in that way. I have no doubt they would stay married so what would be the point in all that drama?

But you're being used in so many other ways. This man has stolen years of your life, you should be furious with him. And also with yourself (sorry I know you probably already are) that you've let this happen.

A man who has shown you no loyalty and doesn't love you enough to be with you owns half the home in which your children presumably live. He met them. He used you and has also got the added benefit of half a property his wife doesn't know about.

I have no idea wtf im still in this. Every day he says he will change/sort things/show me he cares for me. Yet nothing. A couple of emails a day if I’m lucky. He didn’t even send me a Christmas gift. I don’t understand what the point is for him?

It's simple. The point for him is that he gets a safe relationship with his wife, and the opportunity for sex, escapism and the thrill of secrecy with an alternative partner. That's what you are to him.

That's what you're limiting your life to instead of actually being happy and instead of giving yourself the opportunity to model healthy relationship behaviour to your kids.

He is a bastard for letting you waste years and years but you are accountable for being complicit in that. It's on you as much as him. I don't say that to make you feel shit, I say it to try and help you recognise that you have agency and autonomy in this situation.

You have taken emotional, sexual and financial hits for someone who hasn't done the same. His life is having his cake and eating it too, while yours is being grateful for crumbs off the table when it comes to him.

Please, please consider some therapy to address this. It's so self destructive and affects your children as well as you.

My children thankfully have never met him. We exchanged on the house and he then decided he wasn’t leaving her “just yet”. So I refused to ever let him meet them.

And yes I’m furious with myself. I have nowhere to direct the anger but at myself. How could I have been so stupid.

It’s not sex for him now. Hasn’t been for 18 months. I don’t even know what I am! If I say I’m starting dating again (which I am) he begs me to wait a bit longer.

The life I want can never happen. I can’t be a proper family, my children are nearly grown! My financial security is shot. I’ve made more sacrifices than I ever thought possible for someone who thinks one phone call a month is making an effort.

They may not know him @honeyandbutterontoast but he is affecting them because he's affecting your emotional and financial security and in turn affecting theirs because you are their mum.

Your relationship with him has directly and negatively impacted your children. Please use that to power change. Use that anger with him, and yourself, to cease contact.

Due to the house that will take time but at least tell him you want to sell, pursue legal advice on this, block him on everything other than one email address set up solely for contact about the house and nothing else.

Only check that email once a week and delete anything unrelated to the house.

You have to stop what you're doing currently, it's madness and it will make you ill, bitter and paranoid if you aren't already.

He's ten a penny, he's so basic, he's played you, you've allowed him to. You need to not just recognise those things but use them to actually power change or they are pointless realisations.

He has controlled your life for a decade. Remotely. Not even under the same roof.

Set up one email address he can contact you on.
Inform him you've done this and that you'll be blocking him on everything else, and only want communication re finances, and only via that email.
Block him on everything else.
Get the house sold.
Move on.

Disengage.

Yes I do know how it’s affected my children. I deal with that knowledge every day.

Yep I’m already ill, bitter and paranoid. And many other things!

I’m devastated at having to sell the house. My dream home, a place I could be happy and I will lose it. I would never have bought it knowing, there is no way I ever could have afforded the bills for it. He knew that. I think this house was a back up in case his wife ever did find out.

I think because the house is in my name, legally he isn’t entitled to the money in it. I am very tempted to sell up, move far away, and keep it. But that would be so very wrong, wouldn’t it?

@honeyandbutterontoast

Yes I do know how it’s affected my children. I deal with that knowledge every day.

Yep I’m already ill, bitter and paranoid. And many other things!

I’m devastated at having to sell the house. My dream home, a place I could be happy and I will lose it. I would never have bought it knowing, there is no way I ever could have afforded the bills for it. He knew that. I think this house was a back up in case his wife ever did find out.

I think because the house is in my name, legally he isn’t entitled to the money in it. I am very tempted to sell up, move far away, and keep it. But that would be so very wrong, wouldn’t it?

Have you seen a solicitor? If not, why not? See one, find out where you stand legally and do whatever is best for you and your children.

Why would it be 'wrong' to prioritise you and your children over a married man?!

I haven’t seen a solicitor because I guess I just haven’t wanted to face up to the whole sodding mess that is my life! But the letter he sent to the solicitors when I bought this house calls the money a gift. He doesn’t know I took a copy of the letter. It would be wrong, but it would mean a chance of a new life for me.

If the house is in your name, then get it sold, pocket the money and disappear. It's not entirely ethical but stuff that. You've wasted enough time with this dickhead, don't lose another second of your life. Go and grab some happiness.

@honeyandbutterontoast

I haven’t seen a solicitor because I guess I just haven’t wanted to face up to the whole sodding mess that is my life! But the letter he sent to the solicitors when I bought this house calls the money a gift. He doesn’t know I took a copy of the letter. It would be wrong, but it would mean a chance of a new life for me.

Eh? Why would it be wrong?

I'm not saying that in a glib way. I literally mean why?!

You are putting a man before the financial and emotional security of you and therefore your kids.

The only decent thing he's done for you is make it clear it was a gift.

You wouldn't have bought the house if you'd known be wouldnt be moving in. He hasn't and won't. So again, what's 'wrong' about you selling up?

Give him his money back if you feel that bad and buy something in your price range that is affordable for you.

I had no idea until the house that he had money to do that. He used cash

He had a lot of cash that presumably his wife didn't know about and wouldn't question where it went?

That seems more than odd to me ,where on earth would he have got that amount of cash? Never mind what it says about his relationship with his wife .