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Original poster

Ending Affair - NC Support

294 replies

StarLuna · 09/03/2021 10:08

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment. Smile

OP posts:
ginandcv · 18/03/2021 00:05

Yea I had counselling via work after it ended. I looked at prices to go again. I'm thinking about it.

LighthouseCow · 18/03/2021 06:43

@Ineedaslap surely it becomes more like companionship over time? I can’t think of any couples my age who have that intense, passionate love that you experience when you first meet someone. It’s not a case of falling out of love - but that love changing into something that is more like companionship.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - absolutely not goading - I appreciate everything you are saying, and I need to hear it.
@Ruminating2020 I feel committed to NC, this is my day 4. No inclination.

Original poster
StarLuna · 18/03/2021 11:15

@LoveIsAllThereIs I am very early days NC and have constant thoughts about breaking it and contacting him but then I remember why we made the decision to stop the affair and go NC, or at least from my side. As some others have said the 10min, 10 months, 10 years is a great way to stick to it, think about how after coming down from the high of contacting him will feel, not mentioning you will undo all the progress you have made even if it is a couple of days!

I would recommend practising some mindfulness or going to therapy, that should help trying to find your self worth and strength to stop the affair and make decision for yourself and not based on fear of being alone. I did some medidation for months and that really helped me getting through the anxious moment where I felt I needed to contact him. Good luck Smile

OP posts:
Ineedaslap · 18/03/2021 14:25

@LighthouseCow yes you are right, relationships do settle down after a while, I have been with my husband over 20 years. For me it was also down to the excitement and thrill I suppose of an early relationship. Feeling flattered that a man wanted me. Silly really.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 18/03/2021 15:27

I think it's really sad that relationships just become about companionship. I think maybe we settle for it, when some couples really do manage to keep that little bit of spark. One of my friends said 'day to day it's not there but there's moments it is'. I don't think we had those moments. Maybe that's the difference between happy and unhappy couples.

Lindyhoppity · 18/03/2021 15:53

Yup going NC here. Nearly a week in.
Long and very boring story, had a full blown A with him over 10 years ago. He slipped back into my email about 4 years ago. I let him. Then he messaged for 3 years, before we started it again.
That was a mistake (huge) on my part.
I’ve currently got him blocked on WhatsApp. He’s texted, I’m ignoring it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/03/2021 16:11

@Lindyhoppity

Yup going NC here. Nearly a week in. Long and very boring story, had a full blown A with him over 10 years ago. He slipped back into my email about 4 years ago. I let him. Then he messaged for 3 years, before we started it again. That was a mistake (huge) on my part. I’ve currently got him blocked on WhatsApp. He’s texted, I’m ignoring it.
Can't you block his number entirely?
Lindyhoppity · 18/03/2021 16:25

Yes, I have done now. I didn’t actually think he’d text tbh as we communicated through WhatsApp, so I blocked him there. Now I’ve blocked and deleted him number completely.

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 22:08

@LoveIsAllThereIs

I think it's really sad that relationships just become about companionship. I think maybe we settle for it, when some couples really do manage to keep that little bit of spark. One of my friends said 'day to day it's not there but there's moments it is'. I don't think we had those moments. Maybe that's the difference between happy and unhappy couples.
@LoveIsAllThereIs The spark stage does go and I guess this is why I questioned whether I had fallen out of love with my dh. I did not have the same feelings for dh 7 years into our relationship like I did at the start, but I still wanted to be with him and still loved him very much.

For us, we deliberately make time for one another during the week without distractions. Get to know one another again, ask how each other's day went, meet each other for lunch once week or have a date night, that sort of thing. I don't know whether that is helpful to you.

How long have you been with your dp? Do you have children together?

catherineofarrogance80 · 18/03/2021 22:09

Can I join.
I have been burned for the past 14 months at the hands of a flip flopping future faking Billy bullshitter. I know it serves me right for going with an attached man but very soon on he mentioned a 'plan' for us to be together and said he couldn't cope anymore and wanted more than his marriage. And like a twat I believed it. Tale as old as time . Now he can't possibly think about leaving his life 'just for me'
He was also spectacularly tight fisted and flipped out when I asked if he'd got me a Christmas/valentines present (I did for him) and really made me feel like dirt almost like 'urghh why would I spend my money on you???'
So after growing increasingly repulsed by him as a person today is day 2 no contact. What I'm finding really hard is breaking that habit of messaging him first thing in the morning and texting through the day.

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 22:10

@Lindyhoppity

Yes, I have done now. I didn’t actually think he’d text tbh as we communicated through WhatsApp, so I blocked him there. Now I’ve blocked and deleted him number completely.
Well done.

Did you tell him you were blocking him and didn't want any further communication before and he ignored you, or did he respect your wishes at first but caved in/created a reason to contact/hoover?

LoveIsAllThereIs · 18/03/2021 22:12

@ruminating2020
We've been together 15 years and have 2 children. We're just so platonic

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 22:15

@catherineofarrogance80
There will be others in the same situation as you and will support you with NC.
Send him one last message to say that you are no longer going to contact him and that he respects your wishes to not contact you.
Delete and block his number, facebook, email etc so that you won't have a way of messaging him.
Fill your time with RL friends, hobbies etc to replace your impulse and addiction of messaging him.

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 22:17

Do either of you want to stay together? @LoveIsAllThereIs I know you said you no longer had feelings for your partner, but feelings come and go.

Lindyhoppity · 18/03/2021 22:23

@Ruminating2020 no I just blocked him.
It’s not like I owe him anything or any kind of explanation, there’s a lot of water passed under that bridge and it’s not like he’s taken my feelings into account over anything.
Tbh I CBA with having a conversation about why I want it to end......I want it to end because he’s a nob.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 18/03/2021 22:25

@catherineofarrogance80
You're actually in a stronger position than him. You're free to go off and meet someone else, get on dating sites, find someone else to talk to and distract yourself with. He's made the choice of his wife but you know he's not happy with her.

The no christmas and valentine's presents should remind you what a narrow miss that was. I'm sure you can find someone far nicer

catherineofarrogance80 · 18/03/2021 22:43

[quote LoveIsAllThereIs]@catherineofarrogance80
You're actually in a stronger position than him. You're free to go off and meet someone else, get on dating sites, find someone else to talk to and distract yourself with. He's made the choice of his wife but you know he's not happy with her.

The no christmas and valentine's presents should remind you what a narrow miss that was. I'm sure you can find someone far nicer[/quote]
Well he said he's not happy but I believe now that was lies and she is the love of his life. He said one time he 'could never end this' well no of course he couldn't why would he- he had everything!

LoveIsAllThereIs · 18/03/2021 23:21

@Ruminating2020

Do either of you want to stay together? *@LoveIsAllThereIs* I know you said you no longer had feelings for your partner, but feelings come and go.
He wants to, I don't. I don't want to lose my family unit, but I can't live like this either
Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 23:26

[quote Lindyhoppity]@Ruminating2020 no I just blocked him.
It’s not like I owe him anything or any kind of explanation, there’s a lot of water passed under that bridge and it’s not like he’s taken my feelings into account over anything.
Tbh I CBA with having a conversation about why I want it to end......I want it to end because he’s a nob.[/quote]
@Lindyhoppity
I quite agree. I just wonder whether you can cut contact with integrity and still give the other person dignity when the whole association is based on a lack of those two things.

I don't blame you about not wanting a conversation about why you wanted it to end if he was being a nob.

In my case, the EAP was horrible, had no empathy and simply wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain why I didn't want a relationship with him. He was most likely a narcissist given his magical thinking and gaslighting. The cycle was eventually broken when I stopped responding to contact that was meant to bait me into an argument and hence engagement, and hence cycle of abuse.

Ruminating2020 · 18/03/2021 23:29

I'm so sorry to hear that @LoveIsAllThereIs and I think this is another reason why cutting contact with the AP is a good idea. Don't let him be a distraction in working out what's best for your current situation.

Hope you manage to sort something out with your partner and family.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 19/03/2021 07:16

@catherineofarrogance80 she isn't the love of his life if he can cheat on her with you. If she is the love of his life, he doesn't treat his 'loves' with very much respect. (I realise I'm in no moral position to judge his behaviour, but neither am I claiming to be in love with my husband)

Thewookiemustgo · 19/03/2021 07:58

Things can go spectacularly wrong in all relationships. Even really good ones. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not the love of your life. You can be a total arse to the love of your life, you can be attracted to other people after you’ve met the love of your life, but who do you really want to be with? Whose love do you really need when the chips are down?

APs can sometimes obviously turn into life partners and some people are married to the wrong person. To cling onto this idea and think ah, that must be us. We’re the special ones. We’re different, is what your AP will rely on heavily. Your desperation that he really loves you. He might. He might even think he does. But he probably doesn’t. The success story statistics are very small and I’m afraid men use the ‘my marriage is dead/dying’ and ‘I don’t love my wife any more’ as age-old reasons to make their AP feel special and like their saviour. To keep the goodies coming. They will find out what you want to hear (usually not that difficult to guess if you’re already willing to overlook the fact that they’re attached) and say it in spades.
I think an affair is a sign that something is amiss with the man and his marriage, which he is avoiding dealing with by taking a trip to Fantasy Island. Doesn’t mean his wife or partner isn’t necessarily the love of his life though. I knew someone who would never, ever leave his wife, she could do no wrong in his eyes and he loved her deeply. Couldn’t keep it in his pants for toffee though. Deeply flawed individual.
Affairs are a sign that something is wrong, absolutely, but usually something wrong with the person having an affair on a personal level and not always a problem with his wife or marriage necessarily. Doesn’t excuse the behaviour in any way, but it doesn’t always mean they don’t love their wife or partner.

Ruminating2020 · 19/03/2021 08:46

Despite how I behaved, my dh was and still is the love of my life. I had even said this to the other person, who is not even worthy of shining his shoes.

Wookiee is right though, when something like this happens, it's to do with flaws in those involved. For me, I had very low self esteem and sought validation and approval at a high cost. I learnt self respect and boundaries once I made a conscious effort to resist and go NC.

Thewookiemustgo · 19/03/2021 09:04

@Ruminating2020 as human beings we are all flawed. It’s part of being human. It’s what we do about it that counts.
We all hurt those we love at some point. It’s brave to post here so honestly and I hope others who are involved in affairs read the wisdom you have obviously gained from the experience. That’s what counts. What you learned and how you go forward.

Ruminating2020 · 19/03/2021 13:33

Thank you @Thewookiemustgo for your kind comments.
I was certainly not brave at the time and behaved cowardly.
Cheesy as it sounds but I am committed to avoiding repeating that behaviour again and supporting others in a similar situation to prevent further damage.