If your DH/DP adores you, what is your secret?

[ZednotZee]

We all know those couples where the male partner visibly adores his wife/partner.
If you are in such a relationship can you tell me what you think it is about you that makes him so devoted to you?

I am in such a relationship and I suspect the reasons for this, just wanted some other opinions.

@User784343 Sorry, only just saw your comment. I’ve had a lot of formal education and DH hasn’t. He has more wisdom than me, though. What I meant was that most of my previous DPs have put me down for being “too clever” and I presumed they resented not being the better-qualified one, and I’ve therefore (stupidly) dumbed myself down in past relationships. I’m not some high flyer, btw, and I’m sure some of my past choices of partners have been big mistakes.

No idea he just thinks I’m the best thing ever. People usually find me annoying and misunderstand me a lot.

Mine’s a newish relationship but my mom often comments on how he must have really fallen for me (don’t sound so surprised, mom! 🤣) due to the things he is willing to do to help me (and them) out, his romantic gestures etc. I agree he does seem quite taken - he just this minute came over and gave me a kiss for example (perhaps his ears were burning?)

Don’t really know why as I haven’t had this effect on previous men, especially. He did say to me the other day that the reason he loves me is the fact that we can talk openly about sex - I said, well Jesus man, you aren’t setting the bar especially high there!

I don’t imagine that’s all of it, but I do think the sexual comparability helps (I always tell him he is my twisted soul-mate!) and just the fact that we are similar generally.....

GoLightly I think you're being rather glib.

The main reason so many women have to put up with dreadful behaviour from their DHs is because they're typically financially dependent on them.

Not from any fault of their own though - they've invariably given up work to raise children or at the very least gone part time in order to do so.

I'm lucky in that I've always been financially independent, but I've witnessed so many mum friends over the years seeming completely helpless when faced with partners being difficult/unfaithful and exploiting their dependence.

January-Jonez
Deciding to leave my husband has been heart wrenching. I work full-time but am not a high earner (between £40k and £45k). I do not have decent savings/assets/investments/wealthy parents/forthcoming inheritance either. I could stretch to a £180k to £200k mortgage which barely buys a one bed flat in this area. Us parting would mean us selling up and going from a small 3 bed to a 1 bed which is unsustainable if you have dc. I kick myself almost daily for not being academic/talented enough to have gone for a lucrative job. I would be in a very different position today.

He says I’m “unique”, amongst other lovely complimentary stuff that I find difficult to truly believe thanks to my crappy self esteem.

@JanuaryJonez

GoLightly I think you're being rather glib.

The main reason so many women have to put up with dreadful behaviour from their DHs is because they're typically financially dependent on them.

Not from any fault of their own though - they've invariably given up work to raise children or at the very least gone part time in order to do so.

I'm lucky in that I've always been financially independent, but I've witnessed so many mum friends over the years seeming completely helpless when faced with partners being difficult/unfaithful and exploiting their dependence.

I do understand that, but why would you marry a man who is a lazy lout who puts himself first? The signs are there before the wedding in general. I know it isn't a simple matter though. I just see so many women putting up with crap , who don't see the inequality in their relationship.

This is interesting. Both my husbands have adored me, unfortunately I grew out of the first one. Second (and current) is literally my best friend. We could do everything together and not get bored, but we don't. We have spent all lockdown both WFH and not rowed or argued. And we don't row or argue at all. Mutual respect. Also play to your individual strengths. Not to say we don't also have habits that drive each other nuts! We just accept each other's foibles.

I honestly don't know what my husband sees in me. He loves me so much and I really don't know why. We have a great relationship and laugh a lot, but I don't have much about me. I have zero confidence, don't work, am becoming increasingly anti social and just don't know how he puts up with me

". I work full-time but am not a high earner (between £40k and £45k)."

That's a high wage. Average is about £28k pa isn't it?

"For all the PPs saying they're mediocre looking but their DH thinks they're sex on legs - I think it's a 'type' thing, ie he probably wouldn't find a much better looking woman sexier because it wouldn't be the right match."

I'm not sure. The kind of adoration described here seems to be much more than just physical admiration of a certain type. Those attributes would change over time anyway e.g. if a man is really into blondes or redheads, what happens when the woman has grey hair, or if he's into size 8s and the woman is now a 14. I think they're talking about much more than being someone's 'type'.
Many have also said that their man would adore whoever they were with, so it's more about the man's personality than the woman's, in which case the question is what happens in some people's childhoods to make them adore whoever their with as adults?

Gwen
I earn above the average salary but see a high salary as £100k upwards.

@Faith50

Gwen I earn above the average salary but see a high salary as £100k upwards.

Above average is by definition high.

@Gwenhwyfar

"For all the PPs saying they're mediocre looking but their DH thinks they're sex on legs - I think it's a 'type' thing, ie he probably wouldn't find a much better looking woman sexier because it wouldn't be the right match."

I'm not sure. The kind of adoration described here seems to be much more than just physical admiration of a certain type. Those attributes would change over time anyway e.g. if a man is really into blondes or redheads, what happens when the woman has grey hair, or if he's into size 8s and the woman is now a 14. I think they're talking about much more than being someone's 'type'.
Many have also said that their man would adore whoever they were with, so it's more about the man's personality than the woman's, in which case the question is what happens in some people's childhoods to make them adore whoever their with as adults?

Very interesting perspective.

I hadn't really thought about it before but I am the sort who really "adores" who I am with. I didn't have a very good childhood and had no positive role models for relationships so I'm not sure why it's happened. Maybe those issues are actually the reason why I am like that?

My DH very much adores me too and he had a good childhood and his parents are still married and clearly love each other. So very different to me.

My DH (43 years) says that he likes me because I am kind and a nice person, and he likes my cooking

As a hopeless romantic singleton, I might have something in my eye (apart from the tiny shards of envy) I love hearing that there is all this love out there!

Because you've picked somebody that truly loves you, rather than settling. For some people this is a testament to their self respect and skills in choosing a life mate; for others, they just got lucky! Either way it's a beautiful thing.

"I work full-time but am not a high earner (between £40k and £45k)"

That's plenty to rent a suitable place anywhere in the uk

@Faith50

Golightly I very much doubt women volunteer to end up with selfish, self-seeking, feckless men. At times their awful actions mean you are stuck deciding on a future for you and dc alone. A future you had not planned for because you thought you were in a mutually loving relationship/marriage. Comments like yours sting when a womam may already feel grieved about their situation.

peachgreen
I am sorry for your loss. Your dh sounded like a wonderful man.

@Faith50 women are adults with free choices and they freely chose these bad men. It's actually very rare that such men don't exhibit red flags of some kind during the dating stage. The woman normally ignores these flags or because she's sleeping with him, is hormonally bonding with a guy when the dating stage is when you're meant to have your wits about you and objectively look at all of a man's behaviour, not just the charm and good bits.

I've lost count of the times that friends or acquaintances have gone on to have long relationships with men who I've seen from early on simply won't treat them well and they refuse to see it.

At some point women need to take responsibility for their choices. It does them no favours if they don't because they just end up repeating the same bad decisions. Often these women go on to have kids with these selfish, feckless or uncommitted men, meaning their kids who suffer the consequences of these bad decisions too, often by copying the same bad behaviour if they're boys, or normalising bad male behaviour in the case of girls. Then this generational cycle repeats again and again.

@Suagar

women are adults with free choices and they freely chose these bad men.

How completely judgemental and lacking in understanding you are.

No-one operates in a vacuum. Yes, there are often men who have red flags literally strewn around them & women who refuse to see them or listen to advice.

But, far more often, like in my own case, the man in question seems wonderful & everyone sings his praises. In my case, people often said how much he adored me.

I did have misgivings but my own lack of self-belief & self-esteem meant I doubted myself, and assured myself these were minor issues that would resolve in time.

The true level of how abusive my H was only came to light when I had children.

I'm out of the marriage now, and will certainly not be repeating the mistakes, because 7 years on, I've had no relationships, and while I hope it's not 'never', I won't be having a relationship that impacts on my kids while they still live with me.

Maybe try a bit of empathy?

I would actually say it's to do with him rather than you if that makes sense, like he's the type of guy who adores his partner

Suagar
I thought I married a man who had values and morals, who would communicate with me if he was unhappy as I did with him. When I discovered five historical infidelities, it knocked me for six. He hid these from me for years. It was bloody awful. I am still putting the pieces of my heart back together and working on leaving.

There were no signs he would be unfaithful, had a roaming eye, was a flirt and all the other characteristics a cheater has. He carefully exhibited his bad behaviour behind the scenes.

Your post resonates with me, @Loopyloututu2 but prepare for backlash because people really don't like it when women know that they're attractive and are unapologetic about it!

I find it odd that a few people here find the concept that some people just are objectively more physically attractive than others offensive. I know for a fact that Adriana Lima is more physically attractive than me, it's blindingly obvious and frankly I would find someone trying to tell me otherwise quite annoying. A lot (or even most) of how attractive someone is to you is dependant on their personality and the chemistry you have with them, but I can still tell when someone just simply is more beautiful than me outwardly; as you can tell that you are more so than your husband. I couldn't work myself up to find that offensive, it's just a fact of life.

I also agree with SignsofSpring, only someone who knows how special you are and is very invested in you is going to adore you, and that will manifest right from the beginning in my experience.

[quote EarringsandLipstick]@Suagar

women are adults with free choices and they freely chose these bad men.

How completely judgemental and lacking in understanding you are.

No-one operates in a vacuum. Yes, there are often men who have red flags literally strewn around them & women who refuse to see them or listen to advice.

But, far more often, like in my own case, the man in question seems wonderful & everyone sings his praises. In my case, people often said how much he adored me.

I did have misgivings but my own lack of self-belief & self-esteem meant I doubted myself, and assured myself these were minor issues that would resolve in time.

The true level of how abusive my H was only came to light when I had children.

I'm out of the marriage now, and will certainly not be repeating the mistakes, because 7 years on, I've had no relationships, and while I hope it's not 'never', I won't be having a relationship that impacts on my kids while they still live with me.

Maybe try a bit of empathy? [/quote]
@EarringsandLipstick sorry to hear of your abusive relationship and hope you and your children have been able to start healing from what must have been a horrible experience.

I was more generally talking about selfish/feckless men in my post rather than abusive per se but your post actually exactly illustrates my point; bad men very rarely have no red flags but the red flags are ignored by women. You had misgivings but you ignored them. The reasons why women ignore red flags varies, but ignoring them and choosing to continue a relationship, naturally has consequences. Stating women are adults and have free will, and actions naturally have consequences is not judgemental. Free will is empowering and means we are all able to make choices, including choices which are different to past ones. Women generally don't end up with good men by accident; as others have described up thread, they choose not to waste time with unsuitable men and those with red flags, and priortise men who truly treat them well.

Having low self esteem/ self belief often stems from childhood (whether conscious or unconscious) which is why I said these cycles repeat again and again, and why it's so important to break them by making the right choices early on regrading men.

Feckless/selfish/lukewarm men are always going to exist in some form. We are fortunate in the West to have free choice over who we date and marry and the whole point of dating is finding out about the other person and acting accordingly. Leaving bad men (they don't have to necessarily be abusive at that point but the man could be non committal, show selfish traits, or just not be that dedicated etc) when we have misgivings/see red flags at dating stage, protects us as women and future potential children. It then frees us to be available to meet and choose the men that we actually deserve,who will truly love us, such as the lovely ones described on this thread.

Thanks for your good wishes @Suagar

About this: the red flags are ignored by women

In my case, no-one, absolutely no-one, would have agreed there were red flags. He seemed perfect, committed, kind.

To me, I had misgivings, sure, but on balance it seemed right to go ahead. Yes, if I'd better self-belief & esteem, I'd probably have given it more consideration.

But I couldn't have seen what was to come. No-one could. Your post included this point:
I've lost count of the times that friends or acquaintances have gone on to have long relationships with men who I've seen from early on simply won't treat them well and they refuse to see it.

And that's what I was responding to. For many of us, this is untrue. There are no signs that others would have seen.

I agree with the rest of your latest post tho. It is the case that I lacked confidence in this area of my life & probably didn't feel I 'deserved' the relationship I truly wanted. If this had been addressed I may not have married him.