If your DH/DP adores you, what is your secret?

[ZednotZee]

We all know those couples where the male partner visibly adores his wife/partner.
If you are in such a relationship can you tell me what you think it is about you that makes him so devoted to you?

I am in such a relationship and I suspect the reasons for this, just wanted some other opinions.

@AledsiPad

DH definitely feels this way about me. I think it’s dependence. He is utterly dependent on me for emotional validation, all the ‘adulting’ etc. I’m drained tbh.

I think this is interesting Aled I've definitely seen this dynamic too.

Exhausting for the person expected to be the adult, under the guise of being 'adored' 💐

No idea. I'm not gorgeous, never have been. Not much in the way of boobs. My husband thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy (even post menopause). I get concerned even now about mum tum and marks but he just says they're extra sexy as they remind him of what I've been through with him. I gave him children he adores (and now grandchildren) but they were a joint effort. Why is he devoted to me? Perhaps I just was lucky though he'd tell you he was lucky to find me.

I think it’s a soulmate thing.

I believe that people can have healthy, loving, and happy relationships with an abundance of people.

But that adoration - which I don’t agree is putting someone on a pedestal, it’s not the same thing - that is rarer.

I think it happens when (as PP have said) you find your person. It’s a connection like no other and it’s hard to describe it. It just happens. It’s just there.

Mine has just come up with the washing he's done and a brew for me.

We always gravitated to each other when we were younger and were friends for years before we got together, I think we both knew we were each others 'one' so did the messing about before.

He says I've got a wicked sense of humour, can shock most people with a one liner then carry on with the conversation as if I'd not said anything. Apparently I make him a better man and make him look at the bigger picture of things. He says I'm the kindest person he's met, but I don't agree at all, I can be quite selfish so don't know where he gets that from. He is the nicest person I have ever met and I am extremely lucky to be celebrating 23 years with him this year.

I think having fun and laughing together goes a huge way. DH and I laugh daily about the most ridiculous mundane things and each other. That keeps the attraction and the communication and freshness to the relationship even after 25 years.
Also having your lives so intertwined with children, friends, family and history, that over time you cant imagine a life without them and them without you and huge amount of luck along the way.

2 things...

• if there is such a thing as soulmates we’re it. We get on brilliantly, laugh, and intellectually fire off one another. I nurture and adore him too. Remember Love is a verb and involves doing small things every day to show appreciation in both directions (even if that is a faff - I am very independent by nature so have had to work on that)
• character wise he is a loyal and steady man who puts family above all else

A PP mentioned capacity for love. I think that’s it. The most loving man I have ever met is a friend’s dad. He’s a delightful chap in his 80s who truly loves his wife and his family. He bursts with pride about everything they do and clearly adores them. They’ve been married for over 50 years, the kids are both in their 40s and grandchildren are in their 20s.

His love extends to anyone they bring into his orbit. His adult kids’ friends, their children, grandkids girlfriends and boyfriends, etc. He seems to have endless time and capacity for kindness. My kids love him and he has lots of time for them. He isn’t a particularly notable or special man though he is clever and practical, but he seems to go through life make other peoples’ lives better which makes him one of the best men I know.

From what I gather, his parents were exactly the same and my friend is very similar too, so I guess the comment about looking to his family rings true.

It's not about who I am, but who he is. He is someone who loves hugs and affirming people he's with. And that means we feel loved and reciprocate in the same way. It's the opposite of a vicious cycle.

I love this thread, so positive and uplifting :)

cjpark
A really lovely summary of what makes your relationship work, similar to me an DP, we see the irony in things and laugh about something almost daily.

My DP is not very demonstrative but I'm very tactile and loving, and he's learnt to be more so and the very fact that he recognises this and acts on it shows that he loves me and wants to make me happy. I love his extensive knowledge and he's very practical and manly which is a huge attraction. He appreciates that I'm a good cook and spoil him sometimes and I know finds me intelligent and sexy but also girly and vulnerable at times, which I think he finds attractive. I guess it's about always thinking how you can make each other's lives better, even by the smallest of gestures which keeps the momentum going plus being able to laugh both at and with each other.

The intertwined history and involvement with our respective families bonds us, and the support we have both given each other with our careers has made us respect each other.

When I see him with his mates and they chat together I realise that he's so intelligent and well balanced but really funny too then I know how lucky I am.

Because he's a nice person and he values a loving relationship.

I am apparently lovely.

I think his parents good relationship helps, he has seen years of a relationship being worked at and valued.

@JanuaryJonez

A few PPs have asked what's the point of being in a relationship where you aren't adored, but I think human psychology is more complicated than that.

My best friend has been stunningly beautiful most of her adult life (now late 40s) and has subsequently had a huge amount of attention from men.

But almost every long term relationship she's had has been with men who treat her almost contemptuously. I just think with all the attention she's had, they're the only ones she has any respect for.

Definitely. Lots of people wouldn't want to be adored or it would make the man less attractive in their eyes.

@EarringsandLipstick

People don't like the phrase 'punching above weight' but we both feel very lucky and blessed to have found each other. Maybe that's a better way to put it

I think if both people feel that way, the phrase becomes redundant.

Your experience sounds wonderful.

The expression is about how outsiders see the relationship though.

@EarringsandLipstick

I explained it in a previous post, didn't I? It's the perception of how good a catch someone is, which is not just looks.

Sorry Gwenhwyfar think I missed the post where you did that.

I'm not sure I agree tho. What criteria can outsiders use to say 'punching' other than looks mainly? Even if it is something else, it's still a horrible concept, ignoring the myriad of attributes both bring to a relationship.

You must know the expression 'a good catch' and you must have an idea what it means. It's not just looks. It might well include other criteria that you are superficial such as social status but the fact that you think it's a horrible concept doesn't mean it doesn't exist. People have an idea of who would go together in a relationship and if someone finds someone who is 'more of a catch' than expected then they can be considered to 'punching above their weight' or being with someone 'not in their league' or just 'lucky'.

The expression is about how outsiders see the relationship though.

Not as used by another poster, who said her husband uses it to describe his relationship with her.

In my reply you quoted, I was saying that both parties saying they are fortunate, does not mean the same thing as how 'punching' is used on this thread & generally.

the fact that you think it's a horrible concept doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I think you are misunderstanding me.

I do think it's horrible, both as a phrase & a concept. I didn't mean to imply it 'doesn't exist' as in people don't say or think it, I meant, it 'doesn't exist' as a meaningful way to evaluate a relationship.

'A good catch' is utterly different, IMO, to the grim phrase 'punching' in that, as you say, it can encompass so much, so many values, and is not predicated on putting one person down. Both people can be 'a good catch'; 'punching' is not used about both people.

"Not as used by another poster, who said her husband uses it to describe his relationship with her."

Probably because he's aware of how others see them.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Not as used by another poster, who said her husband uses it to describe his relationship with her."

Probably because he's aware of how others see them.

I suppose so, that makes sense.

For all the PPs saying they're mediocre looking but their DH thinks they're sex on legs - I think it's a 'type' thing, ie he probably wouldn't find a much better looking woman sexier because it wouldn't be the right match.

There's a very good looking, muscular guy that works in our local express supermarket and I've stood behind so many women being served by him who obviously think he's gorgeous and turn very flirty with him. I often chat to him as he's nice, but sexually he leaves me cold.

There's another guy who works there though, who most would say is not in the same league, who literally makes me go weak at the knees, and I think it's because he's my 'type', ie we're pretty much matched looks wise I think.

I'm happily married though by the way!!

I really believe men think more of women who aren’t doormats. Set a standard and don’t allow it to slip. Expect good treatment, kindness and respect. Expect him to prioritise your relationship and the family before anything else. Don’t allow disrespect or laziness. The number of women on here who accept being treated like second class citizens with no autonomy appalls me. Why are women still putting up with lazy, selfish, feckless men who have porn addictions, and spend their lives pleasing themselves? I really don’t understand.

It's my boobs! And the fact that I'm truly lovely 😂😂. I've absolutely no idea why he loves/adores me. I'm a miserable old baggage, with a bad temper and questionable taste in music/clothes!

@Ratonastick this is exactly what my DH was like! Just a light in the world who made everyone feel special and worthy. It's a massive part of why I loved him so much - he was just so open to love and the joy to be found in loving others. He's a huge loss to me and DD but also to the world in general.

Golightly
I very much doubt women volunteer to end up with selfish, self-seeking, feckless men. At times their awful actions mean you are stuck deciding on a future for you and dc alone. A future you had not planned for because you thought you were in a mutually loving relationship/marriage. Comments like yours sting when a womam may already feel grieved about their situation.

peachgreen
I am sorry for your loss. Your dh sounded like a wonderful man.

[quote peachgreen]@Ratonastick this is exactly what my DH was like! Just a light in the world who made everyone feel special and worthy. It's a massive part of why I loved him so much - he was just so open to love and the joy to be found in loving others. He's a huge loss to me and DD but also to the world in general.[/quote]
❤️❤️❤️

Everything you write about your DH is beautiful peach

I hope you are doing ok at the moment.

@Faith50

Golightly I very much doubt women volunteer to end up with selfish, self-seeking, feckless men. At times their awful actions mean you are stuck deciding on a future for you and dc alone. A future you had not planned for because you thought you were in a mutually loving relationship/marriage. Comments like yours sting when a womam may already feel grieved about their situation.

peachgreen
I am sorry for your loss. Your dh sounded like a wonderful man.

Well put @Faith50 and absolutely true. It's how I feel, for sure.

Buggered if I know.

Maybe it's because he knows that despite my feeling grumpy and limpy most of the time, I'm actually not as bad as I make out on here and cannot see the attraction of being either a doormat or an abuser, as they both sound like wayyyy too much like hard work.

[see also: 'If I wanted another pet, I'd have got a sodding dog, not a man', 'I don't have to like what you're telling me, but I'd rather hear it than wonder what the fuck is going on' and 'You know that glass that smashed? I found a piece of it. Could you have a look at my foot, please?...........Ow, ow...can you think why I might want to mention the difference in how I stack the crockery in the cupboard about n-OWWW?']