Will you ever just fuck off!

[MMfanalltheway]

That's what my father said to me a couple of hours ago. I questioned him comparing me to animals.
It was said coldly and in a sinister way. Will you ever just fuck off.
So I will. But I'm so upset.

Sometimes we don't want advice, but validation, kindness, a friendly arm, someone to listen without judgement.....

I feel like OP's Dad is incredibly tactless, like many of our fathers- and many people have lost tolerance to BS that they might usually be more accepting of- because of lockdown and all we've lost already.

It's up to you OP, but I'd probably distance from him and avoid discussing anything where I needed support. If he's seeing you as a cow, he's seeing the female reproductive system as a job and disregarding your actual needs and feelings. I'd probably avoid discussing anything personal with this man in future.

"Being active" in late pregnancy I would take to mean go for walks, don't just sit around, not move a heavy sofa and I am sure your father would not have advised you to do that.

RE As a woman who is 40, you shouldn't be so worried about pleasing your dad. The fact that you still find it so important suggests that you DO have issues that need to be worked out.

Just want to say- people pleasing is not rooted in love, it's rooted in FEAR You may want to explore why you want to people please and learn to please yourself, then you'll be a lot more peaceful

Also, I would advise you not to look to your dad for sympathy, forgive him and yourself for the misunderstanding that (possibly) led to the placental abruption and focus on the successful delivery of your DD. It sounds very traumatic for you, can understand that.
It's hard, but care less about what he thinks and don't live your life to win his approval.

@Thesheerrelief

My ExDP was similarly hooked on dog metaphors when I was pregnant. He only knew dogs. Had never even held a baby. Didn’t have a close relative who had had a baby (since he was born, naturally!) So dogs it was.

He also calls our DS’ feet and hands “paws” which I really really detested when we were together, but actually it’s now become something rather sweet

Your dad isn't to blame for your pregnancy issues.

Read and repeat.

You can not like him. That's fine. Cut him out. Also fine. But your blaming him for your pregnancy issues is irrational. It's all in your own head. And blaming HIM that you moved a heavy sofa while heavily pregnant is insane. Other people are not responsible for your reactions to their existance!

Almost sure I've never see a cow moving a sofa so not sure why you think moving a sofa would count as exercise or something a cow would do. Big difference between going for a walk and moving a heavy object when pregnant.

This thread is really bizarre. Yeah you're dad's not great, my dad can also dish out a "fuck off" but tbh he's been doing it since we were kids so it doesn't really hit that hard at mid thirties.

My question is why you took his advice on cows about exercising, and now blame him for what could have happened? That's...kind of a reach.

Cut him off if you want to, he doesnt sound like a joy to be around - but pinning all this blame on him is odd.

My question is why you took his advice on cows about exercising

To be fair the OP did not take his advice. His advice pertained to being active as opposed to remaining sedentary. That’s the whole purpose of moving the cows more frequently, to make them walk rather than just stand there. Lifting the sofa was completely outside this remit and is not covered under the fathers advice. The OP claiming to take his advice is looking back at it with a false narrative as they are not thinking rationally.

a colleague told me she had good births because she was a cleaner and worked hard.
did i listen?
of course pregnant women have to be fit but no need to over do it.
how heavy was the sofa?
it was bad luck, but pregnancy does not mean mollycoddling, you are ok, your baby is ok.
speak to someone about the birth op.

You sound traumatised. Angry, and traumatised. I was too after my dd's birth, probably still am. I get upset and angry and defensive when people talk to me about things that trigger me. Sounds like your dad could be triggering you because you've linked him to the birth.

I'm not going to offer any advice because I never took any myself.. but maybe something to think about?

When something like that happens to you, you're traumatised because it's traumatic. You don't need therapy.

This simply isn't true as a statement of fact like you've presented it @MMfanalltheway

I was raped. Nothing will ever stop the fact it was hugely traumatic, ever.

Therapy gave me an opportunity to develop coping mechanisms that help me deal with that trauma and not let it have as much control over me as it would have done had I not had therapy.

Time didn't work, talking about it to people close to me didn't work, locking it away in a box didn't work. Therapy did.

You're dismissing something that could be hugely beneficial because you are misunderstanding the purpose of it. Therapy isn't meant to make something in the past less traumatic, it's meant to help you find coping mechanisms so it doesn't rule your present.

Blimey OP you are getting a hard time here. Your dad sounds pretty unsympathetic and it sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough time of it. Have you ever had therapy? Sounds like there is a lot to talk about

The issue with the placenta was not your father’s “fault” but there may be a lot of other things to blame him for. I would hate to be compared to an animal and his language is unpleasant.

Quote me where I've been a shitbag.
Thanks.

You've set up your posts so they can't be quoted. But that's by the by, because frankly I can't be arsed.

You've been rude to many posters on this thread. You need to change how you relate to others if you want to have more pleasant relationships with them. This is probably best achieved through therapy.

Other people aren't the problem, your reaction to them is.

You think people are being horrible to you, but they're only giving back what you're dishing out. If you're horrible to others you can't expect them to be pleasant back to you.

If you can't see that you're being horrible then you have a massive problem, you need therapy to enable you to see it. You can't change something if you're not aware of it in the first place.

Op it sounds like there's a lot to unpack in your relationship with him and that tje anger you feel is to do with the fact that you felt abandoned by him. This is a common reaction and although I'll admit you haven't covered yourself in glory on this thread, I understand the defensive, angry reactions as they're common where emotional abuse has occurred in childhood. Unsolicited advice is basically criticism. It's an assumption that you are too incapable of knowing your own mind and it erodes self confidence and self worth. I agree you should grey rock him and seek some support for your childhood trauma.

@MMfanalltheway

I almost lost my daughter because of his 'advice'. I lived about 5 minutes from the hospital which saved DD1's life, otherwise I would have bled out. Why? Because I was trying to please my father by being 'active'. Yes, it's probably something better explored in therapy than on this place.

He told you to exercise during pregnancy, you over doing it to please him isn't his fault.

The way you lash out sounds like massive unresolved trauma to me. You also sound like you enjoy a verbal spat and perhaps that has fed your dad’s reaction. I’m not sure it is ever ok for a dad to tell his child to fuck off, whatever age they are but families are different. I think you only want agreement rather than advice but I hope you think about getting some further help in the form of therapy as there’s a lot to unpack with you. Good luck.

Honestly Op
You sound a little hard word. Ye had a difference of opinion and he told you to fuck off. Not worth going nc about imo.
I'm not sure why you posted in Aibu though as you clearly absolutely believe you're right and he's totally wrong .

You're angry with him because he has allowed your mum to abuse you and worn down your boundaries leaving you making decisions for others and not yourself, I get it. The animal thing is a trigger for you but sounds neutral in context to others. Him telling you to fo is not neutral. Him not protecting you was not neutral. Him wearing down your boundaries and enmeshing you was not neutral. No wonder you are effing angry. Create some space from him so you can not get pushed and pulled. See the big picture and move slowly from anger to sadness and grief to acceptance and growth.

Honestly it sounds like he was trying to help in a way that he knows, not comparing you to a cow. Obviously none of us know the context but It sounds like you’ve given him a hard time for trying to help in which case I completely get his reaction. There’s obviously bigger issues here between the two of you that you should address