Will you ever just fuck off!

[MMfanalltheway]

That's what my father said to me a couple of hours ago. I questioned him comparing me to animals.
It was said coldly and in a sinister way. Will you ever just fuck off.
So I will. But I'm so upset.

But you chose to move the sofa. You chose to do the exercise, at whatever intensity you think caused an issue. You can blame your father for these events for the rest of your life, or you can choose to have agency over your decisions, both back then and from now on.

He mentioned cattle because that is what he knows, my in-laws did it about sheep, they know sheep, I didn’t take a massive huff, I went to my GP and got the treatment that I needed. I would be annoyed if you get bringing it up.

You can’t blame him about your medical emergency when having your DD, you chose your actions. I think you need to take a deep breath, grow up a bit.

Your fathers advice was correct and the same as that from the NHS. How you can class moving a heavy settee as in keeping with that advice is odd to say the least. Keeping moving for both cattle and humans means lots of walking around, maybe a bit of jogging or running. How would your dad even know you were moving heavy sofas and why would that impress him? It doesn't fall under the advice at all. I agree some therapy is needed as it's understandable your thoughts are unbalanced when you've clearly been traumatised by what you went though but that doesn't mean it's acceptable for you to accuse your DF of being responsible for nearly killing your baby. That's not ok and neither is it true! Your responses are very telling as to why he is getting cross and you genuinely don't seem to realise how you are coming across!

I think you would benefit from counselling. You could have some ptsd from the placental abruption amongst other things

Jesus effing christ you are intense.

Do you have access to a gun?

When something like that happens to you, you're traumatised because it's traumatic. You don't need therapy.

Therapy would be to help you deal with something that has happened that is traumatic. There are specific types of therapy proven to help following traumatic events.

You can access therapy without needing a GP referral in most areas.

Even if you don't think you would benefit, there would be no harm in self-referring for talking therapy just to see if you get anything out of it.

There's ways of saying things. Fuck can be used for emphasis as well as aggression. I recently told my BFF to 'fuck off with her money' but it was meant in a good way and she took it that way. The way he phrased sounds much more like a very firm 'just stop going on now please' than a term of abuse. It also sounds like an Irish turn of phrase and fuck is less offensive there than in England.

But I suppose just as there are different ways of saying things there are different ways of hearing things. Perhaps the OP is right to be offended.

@MMfanalltheway

I was traumatised for months and was put on antidepressants. Everything about her birth was touch and go. No, I have not had therapy. When something like that happens to you, you're traumatised because it's traumatic. You don't need therapy. The fact is that it probably was my moving that settee which caused the abruption. Why did I do that? Because I wanted to be active like the fucking healthy cows with easy births.

People aren’t just advising about this. You could benefit from unpicking your life. In some ways you remind me of me before therapy. And I was not in a good place.

To be fair OP, from the information you've given, your dad advised you to exercise. I'm not sure how you are equating lifting a couch with this advice. That is not exercise. You obviously have a drought relationship with your dad and are finding it difficult not to blame him, but this was your choice. And it was not your fault either that you had bleed. But it certainly seemed skewed to take advice as exercise and lifting a couch as connected.
If you are feeling the need to please him, that does sway your decisions and is as a result of hiw you have absorbed your relationship with him. He may have faults, but for yourself it would be beneficial to have some therapy around this.
It is important and empowering to take accountability of your own decisions. You can be given advice from lots of sources, it is your decision to take it, act on it, and interpret it.
It will not help you or Your children if you continue to distribute blame in the way you have.

I have had to work on stuff from my family. And as a parent myself I'm currently in a place where I can acknowledge that I would have liked if my parent did things differently but they were doing the best with what they had themselves. I feel it wasnt enough for me and I have lasting issues from that, but they were doing their best.

I hope you do get some help to work through these issues, its tiring to carry all that resentment and blame around

Sorry for the typos

@MMfanalltheway

I don’t think it’s just the traumatic birth you need therapy for... you’re possibly struggling with PTSD from that, and that’s one thing. But I do think you might benefit from therapy to address your issues with your family.

You don’t sound very well, and I wonder what support network you DO have in place?

If it’s something you’d like to pursue I can recommend an excellent psychotherapist who helped me with severe postpartum mental health issues, and then we addressed the childhood traumas/ family dynamics that had given rise to them. She saved my life.

I’m not saying your traumatic birth is rooted in your childhood- of course not- but I do think that how you’re feeling now/processing it/seeking to blame yourself and others etc possibly is.

I hope you’ll take good care of yourself. You read very fragile to this untrained eye.

Just to reiterate OP, what other posters have said, the trauma of your daughter's birth was NOT YOUR FAULT. Nor was it your father's .

Placental abruption still happens even when people dont lift sofas. There is no blame.

Trauma is trauma, and does benefit from therapy. Give that gift to yourself and to your child. Therapy is a GOOD thing.

I'm sorry OP. You're getting some really shitty and horrible replies on here from some really unpleasant posters, which it's easy to focus on more than the good advice you're getting.

This might not be the best place for your post. Can you ask MN to move it to Relationships where people have more experience of toxic parents and will be much more supportive?

You really need therapy because your mental health sounds poor and I hope you do not actually have access to any firearms .if your dad farming type hope he has shotguns well locked .

You come across as unhinged OP, sorry. A few people have suggested therapy and I think you should explore this.

But op please just look around at your lovely child and think you both came through and try to focus on that not her birth or your fathers comments

@MMfanalltheway

Except it nearly killed my child. I'm an adult human female, not a cow.

You cannot possibly say your dad's advice nearly killed your child. That's outrageous. Even if it was the wrong advice (if) then you did it. You listened and followed his every word despite dismissing his comparison of a cow to an adult human. You could have looked elsewhere for advice and ignored him. You cannot blame someone for nearly killing your child and then expect a normal relationship.

Op
It sounds an exhausting cycle:

*You moan / go to him for help

*He CAN'T give you what you need, but is a

'fixer' and relates everything to his field of knowledge

• you get angry for his lack of care
• he gets irritated

You may not believe in therapy, but it may be useful to read about Transactional Analysis.

In the nicest way ( honestly!) you have unreasonable expectations of your father. It sounds like he is overbearing and a know it all, but that is who he is.

On one hand, you are expecting him to be god like and all knowing, and you also expect him to be gentle and loving, and you are angry when he gets it wrong.

As a woman who is 40, you shouldn't be so worried about pleasing your dad. The fact that you still find it so important suggests that you DO have issues that need to be worked out.

You are a mum now OP. When we carry heavy burdens from childhood, it sometimes affects the way we parent.

Time to put some of those previous issues down, and leave them behind. Its worrying that you were so intent on ' pleasing him' that you ignored common sense, and widely known medical guidance. That sort of indicates that you are putting your childhood issues above being a responsible parent to your own child.

Because I wanted to be active like the fucking healthy cows with easy births

Can you try to step back and look at this logically. Telling you to exercise and stay active is good advice. It is not telling you to move a heavy sofa. He didn’t advise this in any way shape nor form. This was your decision and a poor interpretation. Even if he had told you to start lifting heavy objects, you’re still an adult with choice. However he didn’t tell you to start lifting heavy objects.

I also think you sound like you’re not very well at all, and need to consider seeking some help. You don’t need to live with these thoughts and feelings, but you probably do need some help now.

You come across as angry and illogical.

I wonder if you have a guilt about what happened and want to blame someone. You don’t want to think it was your fault. Or even accept it was no ones fault and nothing to do with the sofa. It would have happened any way.

Seeking some help to come to terms with all your issues would be beneficial. Yes your father is a problem solver. As are many people. And he doesn’t understand the concept of just moaning and ranting and not wanting help, he is driven to help with a solution.

You’ve clearly had many problem people in your life, from your mother to an ex partner, but in this, your father is not one of them.

@BonnesVacances

I'm sorry OP. You're getting some really shitty and horrible replies on here from some really unpleasant posters, which it's easy to focus on more than the good advice you're getting.

This might not be the best place for your post. Can you ask MN to move it to Relationships where people have more experience of toxic parents and will be much more supportive?

The thread is in relationships. People are still arseholes.

Reading your most recent posts it is very clear that you have a lot of unresolved trauma and I really encourage you to try and access some help. It is normal to be traumatised by traumatic events but we often need help to process these in a healthy way. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. I didn’t have a stellar childhood and one thing therapy really helped me with was accepting my parents are fallible humans and setting healthy boundaries with them. You sound like you are stuck in this child/parent dynamic with your Dad and therapy can help you explore how to have a grown up daughter/parent relationship with your Dad. It can also help you let go of a lot of the bitterness and blame you are harbouring. It’s an unhealthy dynamic you find yourself in and only you can change that.

If you're being a wreck the head, then his response is understandable. You've given very little detail, other than being compared to cattle. Really doesn't sound that bad

@MMfanalltheway

You sound very hard work and whilst my dad would never use that language I can imagine why yours did!

That's like saying, I can see why your husband slapped you around a bit - you are annoying. Nice work.

Christ, it is absolutely NOT the same as saying that. OP, relax!!!

Therapy will help with your natural traumatised response. You seem to be very stuck in that and resentful so you could do with the support to process it and work through it. You sound really unhappy in yourself and that can't be a good place to be. It's clearly eating you up.

With your dad, I'd say you rants come across as walls of anger. You could tell him that you want a rant, not solutions, and you'd like him to listen, not fix.

My brother likened me to dogs all through my pregnancy because that was his frame of reference. It wasn't personal.