Will you ever just fuck off!

[MMfanalltheway]

That's what my father said to me a couple of hours ago. I questioned him comparing me to animals.
It was said coldly and in a sinister way. Will you ever just fuck off.
So I will. But I'm so upset.

Hard to understand.

When I was breastfeeding several family members compared me to a dairy cow.
They thoight is was funny, I didn't, but I decided not t lose my rag over it.

Jeez. You sound like really hard work. If you know your dad doesn't do moaning, why moan to him?

I would stop posting.it isn't helping you and it's very hard to get a clear picture from your posts as to whether you or your father is in the wrong or you. I would say that you need to safely resolve the issue around the abruption. For your mental health and the relationship of you want one.

If not of

I think you need to separate this man into your father and as a person.
Clearly you think as a father he falls short.
As a person in his own right he’s ok.
I think you have this the wrong way round.
He can’t change anything he did as your dad. He can’t save you from your mum now and he can’t step in with your abusive ex. That’s just the sort of (useless) man he is - avoidant.
He’s also a bit rubbish on empathy ( not listening, giving advice).

But he’s phoning you because he’s your dad and he loves you. Maybe just try and take that from the relationship and not the fact he’s a bit of a weak human being.

It's not clear what causes placental abruption, but factors that increase the risk include injury to the abdominal area, smoking, cocaine use and high blood pressure.

^from the NHS website. I also can't see how exercise would cause this - i have many friends who exercised and went on walks and jogs throughout their pregnancy. Please don't blame your father.

The thing is OP, you’ve already said as soon as you start venting he starts giving (unwanted) advice.

My DF is the same (him and my DM were also abusive to us when we were children) so I don’t tell him ANYTHING.

If I want to vent, that’s what my DH or friends are for. My DM is deceased and with my DF I just grey rock him now. I can’t go no contact (various reasons) so the easiest path for me is very, very low contact.

Could this be an option for you?

you need to talk to someone about the placenta abruption op, i hope your dc is ok and you also

pregnancy doesnt normally mean you put your feet up for 9 months

@MMfanalltheway

Apologies for making you anxious.

Thank you.

So my take is get the therapy. You’ll feel a lot better after. Your dad has faults like everyone else. Going NC when you both - outsider looking in - love each other is way ott. He royally fucked up on many fronts because he’s a human. That is what we do.

However, I do think you would do well to reduce contact. The phone has an off button for a reason. Before it gets to this stage, give yourself permission to leave the conversation. Write down a few things to say when you need an out and have them ready to cite. Eg ‘ok dad, got to go now, x is on the tv / y needs me / must do z’. Or allot 10/15 mins to a conversation then politely end it.

And I agree with the comments about him relating animals to humans. We are animals with higher thinking capacity. Your health issues in pregnancy were not his doing. Sounds like you both need to lighten up. But you cannot control what he says, only your reaction to it. When he compares you to an animal, the best reaction would be to laugh crack a joke and say that yeh, you get it, this week you’re a sow. Eg You can’t wait for the summer to come round to be compared to a lobster.

A different take on it perhaps, but I can hear and understand your anger at your father op.

My father is a HCP and all I can offer is that I believe is that unless a person asks for advice, HCP relatives should not give it. You have your own HCP, why do you need your father (as a vet) giving advice about your pregnancy when it hasn’t been asked for? He sounds as though his advice is correct in most cases, but you are not under his care as a patient so he should mind his own business.

Don’t blame you at all for reducing or ceasing contact. After a long much needed break, you could opt for low contact, just at family special occasions?
Then when he feels the need to pass on his wise words of wisdom again, you can deflect to another conversation more easily with another person there.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable OP. In a million years my dad would never tell me to fuck off (even if I was being a bitch, which I don’t think you were). It would devastate me if if he did. And I simply cannot imagine a situation where I would ever tell my child to fuck off.

I also think posters are ignoring what you said about the cold and clinical tone of it. Of course that was upsetting - tone is so important in communication, it conveys so much about our feelings, but PPs are ignoring it because they fancy a pile on.

I’m often surprised on MN by how low so many people’s standards are when it comes to the treatment they expect from men. Many posters seem to just expect that their partners / fathers / brothers etc will say abusive things sometimes and they just need to accept it (or even believe it’s their own fault). I find it very sad and upsetting. But it’s no reflection on you - you’re right to be upset at being told to fuck off by someone who should love and support you. Your reaction is normal and understandable.

Your child nearly died because of something that happened randomly .not because of your fathers advice you are obviously still traumatised by her birth .it was not his fault and repeating it on here like a child does not make it so .your father may have been blunt but he is a doctor giving you advice. He knows about all sorts of species so he probably would be the best advice .

Sorry @MMfanalltheway but if your behaviour towards posters here is anything to go by then frankly I am not surprised in the slightest that he told you to fuck off.

Entirely see why he lost patience

@Mummy7777

It's not clear what causes placental abruption, but factors that increase the risk include injury to the abdominal area, smoking, cocaine use and high blood pressure.

^from the NHS website. I also can't see how exercise would cause this - i have many friends who exercised and went on walks and jogs throughout their pregnancy. Please don't blame your father.

He criticised my mother for being overweight all my life. She was apparently lazy. He compared me to the cows and my mother when advising me to exercise. The night before the bleed, I moved a rather heavy settee on my own to clean under it (again, an attempt to impress my father). It was the following morning that the bleed started. It might have had absolutely nothing to do with it all, but I do in a way blame his advice. Thankfully, dd was born safely. I suspect I might have actually shot him if she had died. I do suspect that his advice was wrong for me. I always advise women to take it easy late in pregnancy as a result of what happened to me. I never tell them why. My friend lost her son from the exact same thing except she lived 30 mins from hospital and baby was sadly dead on arrival. He should know this stuff. But no. I'm a cow apparently. Not a human.

I don’t understand why moving a heavy settee whilst pregnant would impress your father? It does not fall into the definition of exercise, or moving around more.

@MMfanalltheway

If I’m being honest OP, you sound traumatised by what happened, and you’re looking for a reason and a person to blame- when in truth, it wasn’t your fathers fault, or lifting the sofa. These things just... happen.

Have you had any therapy?

So we’ve heard OP that everyone else is always fault. What are you taking responsibility for?

It’s not your father’s fault that you failed to use common sense and tried to move a sofa on your own whilst pregnant. That is on you, only you.

I think I might be on your father’s side tbh

I was traumatised for months and was put on antidepressants. Everything about her birth was touch and go. No, I have not had therapy. When something like that happens to you, you're traumatised because it's traumatic. You don't need therapy. The fact is that it probably was my moving that settee which caused the abruption. Why did I do that? Because I wanted to be active like the fucking healthy cows with easy births.

I suspect I might have actually shot him if she had died. I do suspect that his advice was wrong for me.

I suspect you have entered into adverse mental health issue territory. I would advise professional assistance.

His advice was not wrong, it’s what any healthcare professional would give, I would. There is a huge difference between staying active and let’s lift an extremely heavy couch. That’s on you, no one else.

If I was him I would go NC with you at this point until you receive the assistance you need for your mental health. Your children would also benefit from a parent who had their issues addressed as your behaviour on this thread is not healthy and if this is the way you act in everyday life it’s less than ideal for children to observe.

OP, you sound as though you are harbouring an awful lot of anger, bitterness and resentment towards your father. It sounds as though you are also looking to explain your placental abruption...why it happened. When we are trying to make sense of something traumatic it can result in us looking to blame either ourselves or another person for it. That’s perfectly natural but it won’t get you anywhere because you will just go round and round in circles and your relationships with your family will suffer.

Please do consider counselling for what has happened and for your relationship with your parents. When we become parents ourselves it can make us question the relationships we have with our own parents and feel angry or upset for our own experience as their child. I know people who have cut their own parents out of their life since becoming parents themselves. It can bring up a lot of hurt and anger as we question our own relationships and often experience a sense of loss for what we don’t have. We continually have to give to our child but are pouring from an empty cup because no-one is nurturing us in the way we want, need or hope for.

Please seek support. I wish you well.