Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

[OopsIDidItAgain123]

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

She's not enjoying herself though. She's angsting about an ageing lothario and possibly trashing her credibility at work at the same time. No harm in casual sex but not with a senior at work, no good will come of it for her. That's the reality sadly, like it or not.

Especially when she calls it 'exercising his tongue' at that point I did wonder if she was writing a porno and was testing out inital drafts on MN.

@zzzooomwatcher

So much pearl clutching and judging on this thread!

I was about to say the same!

@Snowfalling

Do you really need to use such graphic language re the sex and dirty messages between you both? You're not writing a porno.

Or maybe they are

Gads. You're obviously going through that phase in your life where you're craving an older man and it makes you feel sexy and wanted and powerful yet vulnerable all at the same time. I went through it myself. You will look back in a few years and see how repulsive he is sleeping with a 25 year old AND abusing his power. There is nothing sexy or hot or exciting about it at all, I swear once your eyes are opened in a few years you will see how wrong and disgusting it is. Sort your relationship with your dad, it obviously stems from some deep seated daddy issues or from some severe adverse childhood experiences.

And yes you will look desperate if you text him. You already text him once and he agreed and then never followed through with plans, he's not interested sorry.

@MacbookHoHoHo

Her self esteem sounds pretty robust from where I am standing.......

You missed the part where OP and this man arranged to meet up for a second time, but then he ignored her so that “date” didn’t happen. That’s why everyone’s telling her to move on.

Well, and? He didn’t tell her “never contact me again or I will be reporting you to HR, and the police”. He kinda left it open. She’s utterly allowed to contact him again if she wants. It’s not like she has been bombarding him with texts, every hour, on the hour....

I’ve missed messages before, or been preoccupied with someone else at the time, but then someone has popped up at a later date and I have reconsidered.

It’s not that I particularly think OP should contact him, at all. I agree she will probably get her needs met better elsewhere. And I apologise for being so rebarbative, in both this and my previous message. I just loathe and despise the concept that, as women, we somehow shouldn’t be open about our needs to men, because of this sense we should be protecting our “pride”.

It’s misogynistic bullshit. If you want something, it’s OK to ask for it. If you are actively told to fuck off, then yes, you must fuck off. But all this tripping over ourselves out of a terror of appearing “needy”? Who the fuck cares. Just like men, we are human too. We have needs just like they do. And are fully entitled to do the best we can to get them met, as long as it is fully consensual and doesn’t harm us or anybody else......

I just loathe and despise the concept that, as women, we somehow shouldn’t be open about our needs to men, because of this sense we should be protecting our “pride”

exactly - so many similar threads on here! It's always 'have yo uno self-esteem at all?*, whereas when a man chases someone then he's passionate and keen, he gets rejected once and tries again - and guess what, often is praised for not giving up, and the woman eventually wants to date him or just be sex partners, whatever.

I don't mean pestering someone, but making an effort / few attempts. OP just asked if it's worth texting once morre to meet up with him - nothing wrong with it whatsoever, especially as she accepts he's not interested in r-ships so they roughly want the same thing.

I don't mean btw that a man who chases always gets a result, but often he does - and no one ever criticises him for trying a few times.

Everyone is being harsh but you'll regret going there with him. This won't end well. You'll inevitably fall for him as he's so old and has been a womaiser for 30 years. He will end up dierespecting you even more than he already has done by asking out a colleague who is less than half his age and sleeping with someone young enough to be his daughter. It just all seems very wrong and he's abusing his maturity and life experience and you'll end up hurt and probably embarrassed in some way. Also this is probably against your workplace rules.

Don't lower your self op you seem pretty desperate. And I don't mean anything by that I have been there and only the last few years of me getting older I have thought back and realised how pathetic I must of come across . Men like him are users . He probably have ticked you off his list of conquests now and will move in to somone new . Ego boost for him ! 🤢. I would 100 percent be getting checked tho . If he's working away a lot I bet he's had a few sex workers in his time . I'd actually never contact him again even if he texts you . He will only be texting you when he's bored and horny mind so don't get flattered . Piece of shit as he is

@Springsnake

So he’s older than 50 ? Meh Probably only needs sex once or twice a year ,probably took viagra when you weren’t looking

😂😂 love this

@Lovelydiscusfish

Apology accepted!

Well, and? He didn’t tell her “never contact me again or I will be reporting you to HR, and the police”. He kinda left it open. She’s utterly allowed to contact him again if she wants. It’s not like she has been bombarding him with texts, every hour, on the hour....

Of course women are allowed to contact men. That’s not being questioned here. But please can we accept that a lot of language is UNSPOKEN. So anyone telling you, “Stop or I’ll report you to HR” is clearly a definite rejection. But so is ignoring a pre-arranged meeting. So is not following-up. So, even, is beginning a shag by telling the other person, “I’ve never had or wanted a relationship”. It’s all setting boundaries, drawing lines and putting up walls. It’s all rejection.

We’re not counselling that all woman should go back to Jane Austen behaviour and hide behind a fan. But people who advise women to keep pursuing a stand-offish bloke are ignoring facts:

Someone not replying to your texts IS replying. They’re saying, “I’m not interested.”

Someone not renewing or following through on a date IS replying. “I’m not interested.”

And if you ignore those clear messages, that blatant (but non-verbal) rejection, you are putting your energy where it’s useless, and THAT is weak. You are sending the message, “You have not replied so I know you are not interested. I will keep trying so therefore I know you don’t like me but that doesn’t matter.” And that’s a clear consent to being treated badly.

Oh god no. That's going to be embarrassing in the office isn't it !

B) “get an sti test”. Why are you all assuming she didn’t use protection? Is she automatically an idiot? Just because she dared to have sex?*
*
Am I missing something here? How do you protect your vagina from a tongue? 🤔

Where has the OP gone?

The most cringe thing about all of this him asking for her number in front of his Junior staff to show them what a man he is 🙄 Most likely there was probably an even younger woman than OP among them that he was planning to have as his next ONS

@hedrivesmecrazy

B) “get an sti test”. Why are you all assuming she didn’t use protection? Is she automatically an idiot? Just because she dared to have sex?* * Am I missing something here? How do you protect your vagina from a tongue? 🤔

Where has the OP gone?

The most cringe thing about all of this him asking for her number in front of his Junior staff to show them what a man he is 🙄 Most likely there was probably an even younger woman than OP among them that he was planning to have as his next ONS

Dental dams? (Anyone remember them? Are they even still a thing? Hottest thing EVER! Or not.)

Fuck me, I don’t know or care any more. OP is long gone. And yet here we all are, still slugging it out...... Me included. I seriously need to get a life! 🤣🤷‍♀️

Is anyone surprised that OP is long gone after all the vicious, vile responses?

Nicely put @MacbookHoHoHo

Honestly he may keep gaps between times to stop you getting any ideas about a relationship. If you want a FWB arrangement I'd maybe just ask him... 'Can we turn this into a FWB arrangement - no strings?'

Open and honest about what you want

Not surprised at all flakeymate.

I meant flakymate.