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Original poster

Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

197 replies

OopsIDidItAgain123 · 04/03/2021 19:51

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

OP posts:
AliceMadHatter · 04/03/2021 21:48

@HelloThereMeHearties

Are you even allowed to meet up with him? Hmm
I really hate that emoji.

He's not interested, sorry OP. I think he fancied you and enjoyed your company but there will be another woman he can have casual fun with.

Perfect28 · 04/03/2021 21:50

So you're not following lockdown then

Cocogreen · 04/03/2021 21:52

Sounds to me that he wants to approach you if he has a whim and not the other way round.
Also sounds to me like he probably does this a lot - one day or night then on to the next challenge. Sorry OP you might not get another go.

Palavah · 04/03/2021 21:53

Dick is abundant and low value. Old dick just as much so. Yes, it's a delightful revelation when you find men over 40 and realise how much better in bed they are than 25 year olds.

Chalk that one up to experience and look forward to your next discovery.

RunFromMyScytheAndMyMerkin · 04/03/2021 21:56

Christ you can’t see it can you.
Have a bit of self worth and stop trying. Ugh

Number3BigCupOfTea · 04/03/2021 21:59

back away before you end up too embarrassed to go to work

Roberta268 · 04/03/2021 22:04

I cringed reading this. Everyone at work will be laughing at you.

goldielockdown2 · 04/03/2021 22:05

He isn't keen

Shrivelled · 04/03/2021 22:06

Move on.

RevolvingPivot · 04/03/2021 22:08

He's probably got kids older than you that's just weird.

Shrivelled · 04/03/2021 22:10

I don’t know why some posters are being harsh. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, no one will be laughing at you. It sounds like this guy used his position of power to come onto you and to ask for your number in front of other junior colleagues is really unprofessional and creepy. Agree with others it’s time to move on but you haven’t done anything you should be in any way ashamed of.

Cautious47 · 04/03/2021 22:13

OP, you have to understand what a man like this is after. It's not just about getting sex. It's also about the seduction and the challenge and the power trip that provides.

Being blunt he a) wanted to see what you looked like naked, b) experience what it would be like making love to you and c) see if he could make you orgasm. He's done all those things now. Why isn't he eager to back? You might as well ask why Sir Edmund Hilary went and climbed a new mountain and not Everest again.

Springsnake · 04/03/2021 22:17

So he’s older than 50 ?
Meh
Probably only needs sex once or twice a year ,probably took viagra when you weren’t looking

Monty27 · 04/03/2021 22:21

@Shrivelled

I don’t know why some posters are being harsh. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, no one will be laughing at you. It sounds like this guy used his position of power to come onto you and to ask for your number in front of other junior colleagues is really unprofessional and creepy. Agree with others it’s time to move on but you haven’t done anything you should be in any way ashamed of.
OP has confused a fwb with a one night stand or even booty call. OP don't ever expect respect from a man like this until he decides it's your turn. Don't do this to yourself. speaking from experience . It is your party. You're young. You should feel more special than texting round to just anybody. And he really is just anybody.
YouokHun · 04/03/2021 22:30

@Roberta268

I cringed reading this. Everyone at work will be laughing at you.
No, they are more likely weary and resigned to this man attempting this with every female colleague in the hospital. You might find it doesn’t reflect well on him and he’s not seen as nearly as charming as he thinks he is (I can think of a few characters like this in hospitals I’ve worked in though they exist in many walks of life of course).

The juniors probably thought he was an arrogant old wanker who was showing off.

They might start laughing if OP was to allow herself to be picked up and put down at his will. Best to put it down as a good experience but one that won’t happen again with him, even if he text you tomorrow.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/03/2021 22:44

Oh lord OP he's gone through all of the other staff and now you too... he's also made sure that your colleagues know you're the latest notch on his bedpost by requesting your number in front of them smh.

I guess it boils down to how much you value your professional reputation, I would forget about him and his sloppy seconds.

Get tested.

Grimsknee · 04/03/2021 22:57

What @Shrivelled said.
Where do you work that it's acceptable for a senior man to proposition a junior woman in front of other staff? You can't have a basic FWB arrangement with someone who's way more powerful than you in your workplace, it's inherently exploitative (of you). Find someone who you can actually be friends with first, and take it from there!

DoWhatYouWantTo · 04/03/2021 23:01

@OopsIDidItAgain123

I’m 25- he is the second older man I’ve been. The other was good but this colleague was particularly good! Completely different to sex with men my own age. Really really good.

If he was going to message at his convenience then I think he would have by now. I have no idea how it will be when we do have to see eachother at work.
So frustrating that he’s not interested in even another hook up! Especially
As he guided the conversation back to meeting the next Saturday (as I was discussing my Covid vaccine too).
I thought most men would Always take a shag, I’m not asking for marriage Blush. Clearly I’m wrong...
gosh I cannot stop thinking about how good he was! I’m sure viewing porn as teenagers has massively affected how men my own age do sex/perceive women

Of course he's good love - he's shagged 100s of women. He knows what they like and how to give it!! He is a consumate player, he has told youwho he is so listen!!

Don't chase, as I can tell you he won't like this because men like this like the chase. Become hard to get and he will come running, but don't expect to be his only one, thats all

Emeraldeyes20 · 04/03/2021 23:16

He sounds gross, what’s the big attraction ?

TableFlowerss · 04/03/2021 23:18

This is scar often happens when a women sleeps with a man, they get attached. Very common chemical reaction that your brain releases to help you mate from bygone years.

As a pp pointed out, don’t get hung up on him, there plenty of men out there that I’m sure would value you more than what this one appears to!

CyberdyneSystems · 04/03/2021 23:32

He got what he wanted and now he isn't interested. Work life will be awkward now

oil0W0lio · 04/03/2021 23:42

I'm sure he knows fine well that if he goes out of his way to make the sex especially good that will make you feel bonded and you'll be mooning after him like a lovesick puppy which will boost his ego no end
This is all about him bigging himself up and congratulating himself that he's still king of the hill
Please don't be an idiot like I was at your age

AtticusF1nch · 04/03/2021 23:50

@Springsnake could you be any more ageist if you tried? Don't be an idiot.

OP - just chuck this one back in the water. He's got what he wanted and trust me, you'd know about it by now if he wanted it again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/03/2021 23:52

Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

Ugh this made me entire body cringe and my vagina shut itself.

This is one of the most entitled things I've ever heard about a workplace.

He put you in that position not necessarily because he just felt cocky enough that you would say yes out of him being an Adonis but also because he thought a much more junior colleague would feel obliged to say yes if he asked in front of people. He's fucking rank mate.

Decent 55 year old men don't do that and shag their 25 year old junior colleagues. Seriously. They don't.

That's not me infantilising you, it's me pointing out how staggeringly entitled and unprofessional he is.

If this all went to shit and ended up causing friction and issues at work, guess who would be managed out of the company / made to feel shit and embarrassed? Spoiler alert: not him.

Don't shag people from work, especially if they are much more senior and arrogant as fuck.

Asking you out like that was a power play to raise his chances. Grim, grim, grim.

Graphista · 04/03/2021 23:55

Aww bless you, 25 year old men are generally shit at sex! Especially this generation (it's all the porn)

I also agree that you're not actually temperamentally suited to fwb, not everyone is that's ok but you need to acknowledge that and accept it and look for someone to date properly who is also good at sex, nothing wrong with having good sex as a priority

Also no offence but younger women are also less experienced at sex, maybe you had a great time but he...didn't so much?

It's not something that's talked about, even on mn, the skills a woman can/should have in bed

It all takes practice - which is lots of fun of course

But yea messing about like this with a colleague is asking for embarrassment and trouble

Move on, find someone more compatible you're not the fwb type op