Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

197 replies

OopsIDidItAgain123 · 04/03/2021 19:51

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

OP posts:
MrsPatrickDempsey · 05/03/2021 07:48

Well they have done something wrong - their liaison definitely challenges my interpretation of the covid bubble guidelines.

TableFlowerss · 05/03/2021 07:48

Being blunt he a) wanted to see what you looked like naked, b) experience what it would be like making love to you and c) see if he could make you orgasm. He's done all those things now. Why isn't he eager to back? You might as well ask why Sir Edmund Hilary went and climbed a new mountain and not Everest again

Totally true, how ever I would replace ‘making love’ with ‘have sex with you’. Pretty sure he wasn’t ‘making love’!

Zippy1510 · 05/03/2021 08:06

Ah yes the old man fuck buddy bubble.

skodadoda · 05/03/2021 08:16

I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.

OP, which bit of this do you not understand?

PermanentTemporary · 05/03/2021 08:18

I feel for you. Good sex is a drug and it fucks with your rational head, it's meant to. I untangled myself 2 months ago from a person I had mind-blowing sex with a few times in 2019. I was completely hung up on him though I would have sworn to you, myself and God Almighty that I wasn't. He was OK with text sex going on because a) lockdown is boring and b) he is thrifty - hates throwing away an ex in case he needs her again. I have accepted the bruise is going to take a stupidly long time to fade. Go and find friends and maybe a boyfriend. He's not a friend to you.

GoLightlyontheEarth · 05/03/2021 08:22

You’re 25. You’re worth more than this. Why don’t you prefer someone nearer your own age and a proper relationship rather than this much older man who is bound to be telling you lies. I agree with another poster. Get a STI test.

Sillysandy · 05/03/2021 08:23

Even if it's casual or no-strings it should make you feel good not second guessing yourself. No - I wouldn't message again. He knows the offer is there and he hasn't jumped on it. He's not keen, apply the same logic you would if it was a relationship contender; don't chase.

It's a big age gap btw, hard to see how young you are when you are young so I'm not having a go at you but I don't think too highly of him. He has a lot of life experience that he's using imo to manipulate people. Also, are you serious about your career here? Sorry I know that is not the point.

AgathaX · 05/03/2021 08:35

Get yourself some self-respect. He's not interested now, he only wanted another notch on his already scratched up bedpost, and he's made a fool of you in front of his (and presumable your) colleagues to boot.

Plus, you shouldn't be meeting him for 'wine', sex or anything else. Lockdown, dontcha know?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/03/2021 08:40

You thought the sex was great. Looks like he didn't.

Woodlandbelle · 05/03/2021 08:41

Even without the unprofessional stuff and the older man etc etc..
He is making it obvious he isn't into you. So why would you chase him? You had a great weekend with him. Leave it there. He sounds like he is totally using women for fun at his control whenever he wants. He doesn't like you enough to pursue a fwb. He's got his kick and that's it.

Isabella70 · 05/03/2021 08:45

"Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors. "

That's just creepy

BitOfFun · 05/03/2021 08:46

Have you slept with many men, OopsIDidItAgain123? I'm curious as to why you think it was so amazing.

But yeah, what they ^^ all said.

Confusedandshaken · 05/03/2021 08:46

Like other people I think you are coming across as very keen on this man. If we are seeing this he is probably aware of it too and is clearly not interested. He isn't even going to risk a second shag.

You are a young attractive woman. He has asserted his alpha male status in front of the younger men and he got what he wanted. Happily it was pleasurable for you both. Now he has moved on. Preserve your dignity and do the same.

AnaisNun · 05/03/2021 08:47

I think there’s nothing wrong with the shagging, him being older, it being casual for both of you etc etc.

I think probably the problem is you texted him “for wine” (date territory) whereas if you were really just after sex, you would’ve said “fancy a shag?”.

It’s okay to be THAT blunt. You don’t need to be coy or whatever. You certainly shouldn’t feel embarrassed to say that. If you do, you’re probably not in the right place for this kind of casual thing.

NotMeekNotObedient · 05/03/2021 08:51

Forget this guy, he's not interested. Instead find someone your own age and teach them what you like in bed...?

NotPrude · 05/03/2021 08:58

I think everyone is being quite harsh on you. I was in a similar situation when I was your age with a similar age difference. I ended up in a 4 year FB relationship with the guy where we would meet on pretty much a weekly basis. I had come out of a painful relationship so didn’t want to be in a relationship myself but obviously had needs whereas I think he enjoyed having sex with someone 30 years younger! The arrangement worked well for us, there was no drama and no unhealthy attachment.

After the first time we hooked up and I wanted it to happen again, I sent him a very direct text - didn’t faff about with making it a date night, just told him something like I really enjoyed the sex the last time and want to do it again, when is he free? And we took it from there.

But neither of us made it into a date night, we kept it strictly in FB territory. Judging by how you’ve described him, I doubt he wants to be FWB so if that’s what you’re after, then walk away now and save yourself the embarrassment. If you’re happy with FB, then be direct about it. Worst case he ignores your text or says no, you feel embarrassed for a bit and then that’s it - you move on.

Wildswimming3 · 05/03/2021 09:00

@Springsnake

So he’s older than 50 ? Meh Probably only needs sex once or twice a year ,probably took viagra when you weren’t looking
Im glad someone else also replied to this, im 60 and my dh and i have great sex and lots of it lol no viagra. Soryy if youre all feeling unwell now Wink
Wildswimming3 · 05/03/2021 09:03
Sad
Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 09:05

God don’t chase him. That’s so so cringe and desperate. If he wanted to see you again he would say, he’s not exactly shy is he.

MsMiaWallace · 05/03/2021 09:06

Does it really matter if he took viagra? Lol!

Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2021 09:09

To quote somebody on the best thing you have overheard a parent saying thread
Mate, have some self respect.

MacbookHoHoHo · 05/03/2021 09:10

He just doesn’t like you. He had a date planned with you but deliberately didn’t contact you in the hopes that it wouldn’t happen.

EWWWWWWW!

For goodness sake, slap yourself. NO you don’t suggest “wine” again. NO you don’t want a FWB. NO he’s not going to be a fun happy fling for you - you’re 3million times more into it than he is.

Girl. No.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 09:10

@QuidditchQueen

Being blunt he a) wanted to see what you looked like naked, b) experience what it would be like making love to you and c) see if he could make you orgasm. He's done all those things now. Why isn't he eager to back? You might as well ask why Sir Edmund Hilary went and climbed a new mountain and not Everest again. This is a really interesting point.
Or he saw the op has a thing for him and thought why not.

Op there are probably other women.

ShapeShiftedForThis · 05/03/2021 09:12

Sounds like sexual harassment and coercion to me. As an ex HR Manager I’d have serious issues with his behaviour.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 05/03/2021 09:13

If he ever contacts you again, tell him that although you're only looking for something casual, it has to be on your schedule.
You're 25. You're not sitting around waiting for a jaded 55 year old. And I say that as a 50 year old. It's not his age exactly that is so repulsive. He just treated a colleague young enough to be his daughter like another notch on his bed post.

I know everybody says it's consensual between two adults blah blah blah but the times this happened to me when I was younger I was not consenting to being treated like a ghost after it happened. It was consensual on the basis that although this was not serious, I would not be blanked and/or disrespected.

So ............... next time you get in to a situation like this, think about what you're consenting to beforehand. Casual sex? yeh ok. Casual sex with somebody who's disrespectful to you and not mindful of your 'reputation at work. Probably not.