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Original poster

Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

197 replies

OopsIDidItAgain123 · 04/03/2021 19:51

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

OP posts:
Kelly3255 · 05/03/2021 10:26

I understand the infatuation and the sex being so good, we can get blinded by cock sometimes. He sees you as easy and he knows he can pick you up and put you down when he wants so don't complain if he's not texting, if he wanted fwb with only you, he'd be bombarding you with communication. When a man really likes you, you're normally having to tell them to calm down. A man will only do what he wants and he's showing you what he wants

MsMiaWallace · 05/03/2021 10:27

What daisy said.
Your bound to bump into him at work again, that will then become your time to take back control.
When he messages ignore or say sorry your busy.

52andblue · 05/03/2021 10:27

@oil0W0lio

I'm sure he knows fine well that if he goes out of his way to make the sex especially good that will make you feel bonded and you'll be mooning after him like a lovesick puppy which will boost his ego no end This is all about him bigging himself up and congratulating himself that he's still king of the hill Please don't be an idiot like I was at your age
Agreed. Also - place a high value on your professional reputation (folk gossip!). And get tested - he doesn't sound sexually responsible to me. You've done nothing 'wrong' but he's a player: chalk it up to experience.
theliverpoolone · 05/03/2021 10:28

Have't they - hooking up with random people at the height of the pandemic isn't really in the spirit of bubbling ?
Exactly, I can't believe more people aren't saying this. And if these are NHS workers I'm even more shocked. Most of us haven't even hugged our parents for a year.

FoxgloveBee · 05/03/2021 10:31

He won't want a FWB as he doesn't see you as a friend, or even approaching an equal.

He wanted the chase, he got it. The chase for him is as much a part of the sexual act as the intercourse; it's all linked. He doesn't need to chase you now and won't want anything more unless you fell naked in front of him. Even then, he'd probably look around to see if there were any junior members of staff to witness it.

I would worry about your image at work. You seem to think it's almost "cool" that he chose to ask for your number in front of a crowd of junior staff. They wouldn't have thought it was so cool. At best, they'd think it was embarrassingly funny.

2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020 · 05/03/2021 10:32

Are you in the uk
Why are you sleeping with people when we are still in lockdown?

Get a grip, and if I were you, I would try and stay professional if you want to keep your job....

littlepattilou · 05/03/2021 10:35

@OopsIDidItAgain123 Cool story bro. Wink

icdtap · 05/03/2021 10:40

He's had sex with you once.
For whatever reason he is not interested in having sex with you again.
Do not contact him. Act as if it never happened when you see him at work.
Steer clear of him and other types like him in the future. He is a complete sleaze bag who enjoys flirting with, chasing and shagging younger women. It's power play and not pleasant. Once he's got them in to bed he moves on to the next.

You have been used. Learn from this and move on.
And as this is the second time you have slept with a much older man perhaps you might want to think about why these are the types of men you are going for rather than men your own age who might be interested in getting to know you for you and building something more lasting.

randomer · 05/03/2021 10:52

God , it disgusts me to think next time I'm having a smear or a boob check or my piles checked, it could be this creature.

Tempusfudgeit · 05/03/2021 11:00

He sounds revolting.

PurpleRainDancer · 05/03/2021 11:07

@Zippy1510

Ah yes the old man fuck buddy bubble.
Care in the Community Grin
Pandaboxs · 05/03/2021 11:12

When I was in my early twenties something like this happened with me except he wasn't a colleague.

He pursued me enthusiastically then as soon as we had sex he disappeared.

PP's who suggested that for him it's just the thrill of the chase are right, once he has achieved his goal of sleeping with you he's no longer interested and you're of no use to him.

I'm sorry OP. You should forget about him.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 05/03/2021 11:13

[quote littlepattilou]@OopsIDidItAgain123 Cool story bro. Wink[/quote]
Yeh I wondered that too.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 05/03/2021 11:23

If he's still a player at that age (and clearly has his skills well honed after all those decades of practice), you're just another notch on his bedpost. For men like that it's all about the chase. Now you've had sex with him you're history.

Savethewhales · 05/03/2021 11:27

He seems like a creep to be honest, get your head out of lala land before you get Hurt, guys like that give me the boak

TonTonMacoute · 05/03/2021 11:30

As I am now 60 I unfortunately have a couple of acquaintances who are exactly like this man.

Believe me, from an outsiders/friends point of view they are are deeply unattractive verging on downright creepy, I would even say pathetic. They are like horny teenage boys who simply haven't grown up. In both cases they are completely irresponsible and hopeless with money, they are charming but they really are interested in only one thing.

Only someone who has been blinded by lust would be at all interested in them. Forget him.

Ori21 · 05/03/2021 11:31

Rule 1: Don't shag your boss; it'll end in tears - or you handing your notice in.

Rule 2: Don't shag your boss; everyone will know about it and he'll walk away with his ego even bigger than before.

Have you guessed what rule 3 is.......................

LoveYourUsername · 05/03/2021 13:24

I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit

This is what he has told you. It doesn't mean it's true.

For someone in their mid 50s who says this, it's a red flag.

He has some personality defect I'd say.

So he is unable to form a relationship (even if he'd like one.)

I am around his age.

The only single men I know who are 55-60 are either post-divorce and some are shagging anything with a pulse (the younger the better), or turned off women for good and prefer their bike, or they are looking for a mummy/ housekeeper /shag (ie wife.)

You are very young indeed.
If you want a FWB go online. No shortage. But I doubt that's what you really want.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 05/03/2021 13:34

If you want a FWB find someone closer to your own age, OP (and with less baggage).

Number3BigCupOfTea · 05/03/2021 13:42

If people at work slag you about it, play it like you can't believe you slept with somebody so old but hey ho you're young and get to make mistakes, onwards!!

Then mind your reputation at work.

You might think we're all out of date telling you to protect your reputation at work, but these shit hitting fans at work always cost the woman more. It's a certainty up there with death and taxes.

FinallyHere · 05/03/2021 13:49

So frustrating that he’s not interested in even another hook up!

Surprise.

Get an STI test, oh, and a vibrator. Build up your self esteem. All good.

flakymate · 05/03/2021 13:52

Erm

How can you have a fwb if he’s not into you though? you can’t really force it if he doesn’t want to meet up or message you. I reckon if he wanted round 2, it would have happened by now. I think he’s got what he wanted and will try and distance himself now. The sex may have been top tier for you, but average to him if that makes sense? Of course men can turn down sex

VinylDetective · 05/03/2021 13:56

@randomer

God , it disgusts me to think next time I'm having a smear or a boob check or my piles checked, it could be this creature.
I tend to judge medical professionals on their competence not their sex lives.
CuteBear · 05/03/2021 14:01

You’re more into him than he is into you. If you wanted something casual then you would just date. It sounds like you think you have started having feelings. Also the age gap makes me feel a bit sick, sorry. I’m 24 and my dad is 50. This guy you like is several years older than my dad 🤢 I’m sure you’re a great catch and are able to continue dating!

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 05/03/2021 14:14

OP, you are young, so I guess you have not realised that your professional reputation is paramount.

Wiser people fiercely defend their reputations they work hard daily for, not actively damage them.

You'll learn, like everyone, but I hope it doesn't cost you too much.

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