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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

197 replies

OopsIDidItAgain123 · 04/03/2021 19:51

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 05/03/2021 14:25

I honestly think you had a better experience than he did.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 05/03/2021 15:05

Not sure that men in their mid 50s were brought up with the concept of 'friends with benefits'.

LoveYourUsername · 05/03/2021 15:09

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

Not sure that men in their mid 50s were brought up with the concept of 'friends with benefits'.
Oh they were. I know a couple.
Lovelydiscusfish · 05/03/2021 16:31

Ooh, some of the misogynistic attitudes on this thread are making me furious now. Hope you are ok OP!

A) if she texts him now, the idea that she is somehow shaming herself. You what, now? Mr “I shag 25 years younger colleagues and I don’t even bother to respond when they ask to see me again” - his opinion is somehow important now, is it? OP mustn’t express her normal human desires, lest she drop within it. You fucking what, now?

B) “get an sti test”. Why are you all assuming she didn’t use protection? Is she automatically an idiot? Just because she dared to have sex?

C) “work on your self esteem”. Was waiting for that one (bingo!). She lacks self esteem, because she had sex, loved it, and it s considering taking the initiative and contacting the fella to ask for some more? Her self esteem sounds pretty robust from where I am standing.......

Enough with the slut-shaming already, won’t some of you? I think OP has gone off, and I don’t blame her. She just came on to ask for advice on a possible FWB situation. Doesn’t give certain posters the right to imply she is the fucking whore of Babylon (and one who lacks in self esteem. to boot)........

Number3BigCupOfTea · 05/03/2021 16:37

Oh please. The OP was played, in a situation where she could have had power. A fwb isnt fun if you're on the other person's scedule.

daisychain01 · 05/03/2021 16:45

@theliverpoolone

Have't they - hooking up with random people at the height of the pandemic isn't really in the spirit of bubbling ? Exactly, I can't believe more people aren't saying this. And if these are NHS workers I'm even more shocked. Most of us haven't even hugged our parents for a year.
I for one, decided not to bother.

This situation is so broken, it isn't worth going into all the things about it that are broken. It's as bad as it gets!

If this really is true, the OP needs to think about what they want to do with their life because quite frankly they're at rock bottom not least of all their reputation at work (as a previous poster pointed out).

MN as a forum may opine that this is what female empowerment looks like, but quite frankly it sounds miserable.

goldielockdown2 · 05/03/2021 16:45

Well said lovely

MacbookHoHoHo · 05/03/2021 16:58

Her self esteem sounds pretty robust from where I am standing.......

You missed the part where OP and this man arranged to meet up for a second time, but then he ignored her so that “date” didn’t happen. That’s why everyone’s telling her to move on.

Onelifeonly · 05/03/2021 16:58

But she has messaged him and got the brush off.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/03/2021 17:09

“ he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25!”

Oh don’t be so bloody naive

VinylDetective · 05/03/2021 17:10

Chasing someone with no interest in you doesn’t sound very empowering to me. Nor does having your colleagues gossiping and laughing at you behind your back. No sex is that good.

Bluenightowl · 05/03/2021 17:32

When I was in my early 30s, I dated a guy in his 50s. He said he wasn't interested in relationships, liked being single, had always had an active sex life.

I didn't even find him attractive initially but he was nice and I needed someone to be nice. After a first date or two, I realised he was very together. He knew himself, he knew what to say and do to please me, he was very senior in his area of work and knowing all this was enough to make him more attractive.

After a few months of meeting for drinks which always led to sex, he started being less available and phoned me one evening to abruptly tell me that he wasn't going to see me anymore. I was so cut up about it at the time. Although I had willingly entered into whatever it was we had, I ended up feeling very used and let down. I had developed feelings, he knew this but in his eyes he had told me initially that this was a fling and nothing more. I was naive, I thought he also had feelings and I really couldn't cope with his rejection at all.

Don't put yourself in the position I was in.

crystalcherry87 · 05/03/2021 17:43

He's used you. He knows you're too young for anything meaningful and he's got what he wanted.

SunshineCake · 05/03/2021 17:56

I'm wondering if you felt special when he asked for your number in front of everyone. He lies you enough not to hide it. Unfortunately people will judge you. Not him sadly.

confused1974 · 05/03/2021 18:21

Unfortunately people will judge you at work and you might not be taken as seriously as you deserve. I'm divorced but I haven't told anyone at work as I want to be seen as professional. I do exchange a joke here and there but definitely I would never flirt. Go on tinder, plenty of horny men on there (older too) and you can maintain your professionalism at work. I'm much older than you and have a really good job - I got it by being good at what I do but also beyond reproach.
Forget about this and try to start in another company/hospital if at all possible.

optimistic40 · 05/03/2021 18:36

If you definitely want a more regular "benefits" arrangement, I think I would just wait until I saw him and see if he still seemed flirty etc. If so, arrange a drink. After the sex you could mention that you're not up for a relationship but might be interested in more of that...

Tbh, I don't think chasing works well, even for FWB, prob just end up with him ringing you when he's desperate for sex. Others might disagree, that has been my experience

CallMeCleo · 05/03/2021 18:52

you slept without your colleague?

ElderMillennial · 05/03/2021 18:54

I think you like him or you wouldn't be posting about him.

He sounds like he has been with loads of women / still is seeing loads of women which is a bit gross.

You say you are stubborn and didn't want to text again after vaguely agreeing to meet on the Saturday but you want to text again?

You were not sure he was just tired the times he didn't meet up but what's the alternative? He was probably seeing someone else but if you want to be FWB isn't the deal that he can see other people?

Sounds like you had some fun but I think this is probably not the best situation especially as you work together.

SunshineCake · 05/03/2021 19:03

@CallMeCleo

you slept without your colleague?
What was the point of this post ?

What is so shit about your life you think you have to pick at someone else ?

Snowfalling · 05/03/2021 19:14

Do you really need to use such graphic language re the sex and dirty messages between you both? You're not writing a porno.

zzzooomwatcher · 05/03/2021 19:23

So much pearl clutching and judging on this thread!

confused1974 · 05/03/2021 19:27

@zzzooomwatcher because there are so many wrong things with this thread

  1. A sleazy colleague asks you for your phone number? Answer: email me on work email/work chat
  2. He's made it abundantly clear he's not interested. The only right thing to do is to move on and be professional but cold when she sees him again
  3. Him abusing his authority position? Should be sackable offence. Read what happened to the ceo of McDonald's who slept with someone working for him.

Op hasn't been back, maybe she expected a more sympathetic audience but we're older and more experienced and honestly know how men think.

VinylDetective · 05/03/2021 19:32

@Snowfalling

Do you really need to use such graphic language re the sex and dirty messages between you both? You're not writing a porno.
Someone’s led a very sheltered life!
zzzooomwatcher · 05/03/2021 19:33

@confused1974 I get that he sounds gross and it would be foolish to chase him - my first comment on this thread is actually the one right before op left her only comment! But the 'omg have you no respect for yourself' and 'why do you have to write about it like this' comments are a bit OTT really. She's just a young woman enjoying herself - she'll prob look back and cringe but that's part of being young!

AgentJohnson · 05/03/2021 19:37

Oh FFS! Your desperation is showing. He’s moved on already, you should too.