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Original poster

Slept without colleague... how to make it fwb?

197 replies

OopsIDidItAgain123 · 04/03/2021 19:51

Ok so I’ve Namechanged for this because on my
‘Normal’ username I’ve mentioned my job in posts (not hugely unique but still!).
In January I slept with a very senior colleague- 30 years older than me (55 years old) and well known as a flirt/ladies man. He always went out of his way to say hello, speak and walk with me whenever he saw me. Just before Christmas he asked for my number in front of his juniors.

We text for a few weeks (he was out of the country) and then in the day he returned, I went to his house for wine. Obviously this ended in us shagging- he was amazingly gifted at oral sex and probably the best I’ve ever been with! We did it again in the morning too, he then hugged me on his doorstep and thanked me for a very nice night.
I am under no illusions- he openly told me he hasn’t had a relationship or girlfriend in 30 years, since he was 25! He doesn’t commit.
A few days after shagging he text me asking how I was and we shared a joke about his hundreds of calls being one way to exercise his tongue...
Anyway, two weeks ago I messaged again asking if he would like to do wine again (we are both single adult households) and he said sure, I can’t do tonight but next weekend? He needed to catch up on sleep apparently after a few very intense days. I found this a bit odd as he previously did wine/a shag the day of landing back in the U.K.! Then he checked again that I could do the following Saturday- I agreed and he said this was perfect. We didn’t message at all after that- that Saturday came and we didn’t message one another at all so the second meeting never happened! I am quite stubborn and believed if he wanted to he would have messaged me asking a time/place. Also, I wasn’t quite sure about him being tired the previous weekend.
Now I would really like to sleep with him again as FWB! Our night together was in January so even as a commitmentphobe, I doubt he could consider me as clingy! We haven’t seen eachother at work since due to our rotas.
Would it be desperate to text asking if we were doing wine this weekend perhaps? The conversation was left 2 weeks ago with him saying he would sleep for rest and I sent a wink face. I just want him as a casual thing!

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 05/03/2021 09:15

I really cringed when he asked for your number in front of everyone else, that is really unprofessional and there is a reason for it. He was letting everyone know. When this cloud your head is in lifts, you too will cringe.
If i can detect from the other side of the English Channel that you are KEEN, so can he, he´s had years of training, so he´s being quite smart staying away. Please breathe and recap, something you enjoyed but won´t go any further.

Onelifeonly · 05/03/2021 09:15

As someone in his age group, he sounds like a complete creep. And sad. No relationships since he was 25?

Presumably he is able to get a woman any time he wants. If he wanted you again, he would make that clear, I imagine.

Perhaps he has a scoresheet for every week/ month / year and he's trying to get to some sort of record? You're just one number on that.

Other than that, in answer to your question, ask him directly if he wants to be your FWB. Only way to find out, surely?

MsMiaWallace · 05/03/2021 09:15

He sounds like a right cock arse.
Move on quickly. You already fucked up by letting him shag you.

Any decent 25 year old will love to be shown the 'skills'.

PermanentTemporary · 05/03/2021 09:16

(Oh yeah just another over 50 year old saying men in their 50s aren't all popping viagra and turning down sex more than once a month... )

Tal45 · 05/03/2021 09:19

He just likes the chase and he wants to win you. As soon as he's had/ 'won' you he's not interested any more. He's had you and now he's moved on.
You've been used, why would you want to go back for more?

Maryann1975 · 05/03/2021 09:22

There is no way he turned you down because he was tired. He was busy having ‘wine’ with another 25 year old. Please don’t embarrass yourself by asking him again.

And I agree with the advice of getting STI checks done. I imagine this bloke has a different woman every week and you are very much just another notch on his bedpost.
He hasn’t committed to anyone in the past 30 years, why do you think he is going to want to do that now with you? Move on.

JustStopFightingPlease · 05/03/2021 09:23

Someone nailed it on the first page saying it's a nurse and a consultant. 100%

I get it OP but as others have said, he's not after a FWB thing or a regular thing at all. It was a ONS to him. I think you have to resign yourself to that and just move on.

I don't really care about his age, history or whatever if you were happy and at fun but going forward I think you have to park it and move on.

I do also feel for you re young men and the porn generation. A decent bloke can be spoken to honestly about this and take on board any pointers for mutual happiness though.

TomorrowIsAnotherDae · 05/03/2021 09:35

@CyberdyneSystems

He got what he wanted and now he isn't interested. Work life will be awkward now
Pfft! work doesn't have to be awkward at all, I had my fair share of work dalliances when I was younger. Just act like it was a cheeky shag and be cool about it (even if you don't feel cool about it).

No one will be laughing at you although they may be intrigues as to whether anything happened.

MaeveDidIt · 05/03/2021 09:37

Never chase.
Get some self-respect and do not let yourself be that desperate little lost girl.

OverweightPidgeon · 05/03/2021 09:38

He’s probably working his way through all the young women that he works with- he’s ticked you off his list now and he’s on to the next one.

anamazingfind · 05/03/2021 09:42

Maybe ask him if he would like the FWB arrangement? Maybe he things you want a real relationship?

Ldnmum7 · 05/03/2021 09:45

I've worked with these types (in my city career). They enjoy the chase. Once they've got it, that is usually that. On to the next young thing. Sorry OP, forget him.

doingthehoovering · 05/03/2021 09:47

It's difficult when you experience great sex to comprehend that the other person did not feel the same way about it. You feel it must have been amazing for them too. However, these strong feelings are often not reciprocated so you need to get your head around this because this is what has happened here. Leave it be. It wasn't the same experience for him otherwise he would be arranging to see you again.

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/03/2021 09:48

Considering that you accepting him treating you the way he did like asking for your number in front of colleagues, I suspect that there's an unlimited number of women who would do the same so he'd rather fuck them than you again. Over the years he could have amassed 1000d of numbers of women like you. In your shoes I'd have an STD check and move on

Jennifer2r · 05/03/2021 09:50

I'm saying this as someone who sleeps with multiple partners and casual flings, and with kindness : have some dignity. He's not interested. Don't ask him again. Go and find yourself another older man who's brilliant at oral sex, trust me there's absolutely loads of them.

wewereliars · 05/03/2021 09:51

You are 25 you literally have the world at your feet. He has a completely different world view than you. He is almost pension age FGS, and a sleaze. He is no prize, and you should be having the time of life. But not with work colleagues. Work is boring and people will be gossiping, about you mainly. I say this as a 54 year old . Do NOT contact him again FGS

Mischance · 05/03/2021 09:53

Obviously this ended in us shagging - well obviously.

He has as little interest in you as you have in him - he is on to the next one on his list now. Get tested. And get some self-respect.

VinylDetective · 05/03/2021 09:54

Maybe he wasn’t as impressed with you sexually as you were with him. Find someone else.

sanfranfibber · 05/03/2021 09:57

@Springsnake

So he’s older than 50 ? Meh Probably only needs sex once or twice a year ,probably took viagra when you weren’t looking
In what world Grin

People saying OP deserves more than this - maybe she doesn't WANT more than this?!

OP if you want a shag and to keep it simple, message friday or sat for that night.

marsmars · 05/03/2021 10:07

I've been there OP - Slept with two colleagues on and off in my 20s - both older than me, both extraordinarily skilled with tongues and fingers. But believe me when i say, you need to back off. Nothing good will come of it. Just remember the orgasms.

TableFlowerss · 05/03/2021 10:09

Don’t know if I’m a prude - but makes my skin crawl through think people perform oral sex on strangers Willy nilly... 🤢🤮 god knows where they’ve been

TableFlowerss · 05/03/2021 10:09

to think

seensome · 05/03/2021 10:17

Could he really of been single though, depending how well you know him, not setting down could of been an excuse just to have sex with you without seeing you again.

daisychain01 · 05/03/2021 10:18

If the title of your thread is anything to go by - how to make this a FWB - you'll be very disappointed when he gets the benefits but you get no friendship and none of the benefits.

The power is balanced so far in his favour, if you think of it like a see-saw, his feet will be flat on the ground and you'll be up in the air about to be catapulted into thin air oblivion

He'll discard you like a used tissue whenever he feels like it.

Is that really what you want for yourself? Do you have self-esteem problems OP?

Viviennemary · 05/03/2021 10:20

He sounds a total sleaze. Why would you encourage a man like that.