Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

Yes, I would leave. It sounds like you are both at different stages of life. He doesn't want any more kids & doesn't care that you do. If you do want kids you need to find yourself a partner who feels the same.

@greyinganddecaying what if I don’t find someone else to give me that though? I feel sick at the thought of us not being together but like you say, he doesn’t seem to care about what I want. 😢

I would leave. You'd possibly end up hating him because of it if you stayed.

I feel stuck because I have moved into his house. So I would need to sort somewhere to go. And we have 2 dogs together I look after in the day. We have a good life but it seems it’s only good and working as long as it’s on his terms.

When you got together you didn't know if you wanted children. You took 2.5 years tinking about it and come to your decision.

So did he.

Sadly they're not the same decision or even compatible but that doesn't mean he's in the wrong or not considering you. Having "just one" isn't a compromise when one person wants none.

It is very sad but the fact is your wants are not the same. If you want children you need to move on - accepting the risk that it may not happen. It's not fair or reasonable to push someone who doesn't want children Its having them.

Why are you expected to do the compromising? If you stay, you may really resent him for stopping you having children.

If you leave, there's a chance that you might not find anyone to have children with, but you might find someone who is prepared to compromise on things and take your feelings into account.

That’s what has upset me...that I’m considering still staying despite what I want yet he’s adamant it’s his way or we split up. I seem to be more upset about it all whereas he’s being quite matter of fact. There are people out there who compromise and have one child when someone doesn’t have any so does that mean they love their partner more than mine loves me? What makes one person not want to lose someone enough to have a child yet my partner seems willing to lose me over it? Sorry for rambling but my thoughts are everywhere right now.

Look, neither of you are in the wrong here. You want kids, he doesn’t. You’ve both been honest about what what you want.

But you can’t say oh let’s just have one like it’s a chocolate biscuit or something, nor is it fair for you to say he isn’t considering what YOU want. He could just as easily say you’re not considering what HE wants.

You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you - which is a hard place to find yourself. If you decide to stay with him and remain childless, you may be just fine - or you may find you resent him and the situation as the years pass.

There’s no guarantee you will find someone else. Or that if you do they will want / be able to father a child.

There are lots of unknowns... but you may find that if you really want at least the chance of being a mum, that you have to make some very hard decisions. I wish you much luck x

I guess it’s one of those conversations which you would have at the start of your relationship. I know you didn’t know yourself, but I’m assuming that had you had the conversation early on, he would still have said no. He’s been through the whole kids thing, and clearly feels he doesnt want to start all over again. Mine are grown up, and I just wouldn’t want to start on that road again. He’s not wrong, but neither are you. It’s not about just having the one - it’s still a big commitment and life changer. If it’s important to you, the only option you have is to move out and start over again. There are no guarantees you’ll find love again, but that’s the risk you will have to take. The alternative is staying with someone and resenting them, and you could split in the future so will then have lost both your future with him and having children. I really feel for you because it is such a hard decision.

How old are you, OP?

I'm sorry but he is entitled to decide that he does not want anymore children, he shouldn't sacrifice that for you. Bringing a child into the world is a big thing. If you want children, your partner clearly cannot give that to you. Either accept that or move on.

@OldWomanSaysThis I’m 34

Only you can decide whether you can live your life without having a child of your own. If you cannot, if that need is so strong, then you may resent him if you stay & allow the time to just pass you by & the opportunity to become pregnant is gone.

He doesn't want any more children. By asking for 'just one', what you are really asking is that he must again be responsible in every way from babyhood to adulthood and every single day in between. His children are grown now & he doesn't want to do it again. Raising kids is the biggest responsibility of aIl. If it is not what he wants at this point in his life or in the future, the responsible thing for him to do is to say it clearly & unambiguously which he has done. I understand how difficult it must be for you as you love him & want your future with him. If you cannot give up the dream of a baby then I think your happiness lies elsewhere.

OP - it's really painful when people love each other but want different things.

As PP have said, there is no compromise between no children and some children. If you both wanted some children, then you might compromise on the number, but having children changes your lives so fundamentally that having one child cannot be called a compromise in circumstances where he doesn't want any. Given the huge upheaval children bring, if you have one, you might as well have two. And he knows that because he's had children and done the early years parenting. Also, if his children are significantly older, he will have experienced the "getting your life back" which comes with having older children and I can well understand why he wouldn't want to embark on the journey again. A great many parents of older children (probably most) would not choose to do so, no matter how much they love their existing children or their new partner.

It is true that, if you leave him, there's a risk that you won't find another partner to have children with. But you know that he won't have children with you so if you stay with him you are making a decision to give up motherhood.

The other risk you face if you stay with him is this. Given that men generally remain capable of fathering children well into their 40s and 50s and even beyond, it is not beyond the realms of possibility that you will forego the chance of motherhood, only to have him leave you for a younger woman with whom he proceeds to have children. It may well be a small risk in this case but that is a risk any woman takes if she gives up her chance of having children to remain with a particular partner.

So you need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you. What's more important to you - having children or being with him? For me, it would have been a dealbreaker for me if my now husband had not wanted children and I would have contemplated going it alone, if I had been unable to find a partner who wanted children. My desire for children was very strong. But everyone is different and only you know how much this matters to you.

You are still young OP. And the desire to have children is unlikely to dissapear, it’ll only get stronger. You will end up resenting him over time.
I guessing he is older than you - given that he has grown children. When he met you - you were the ‘young & fun’ gf - the one he can have a grown up life with, without doing the kids thing.

You need to decide if a comfortable life with him is worth giving up having kids for.

Looking at life from a slightly more advance vantage point - I think no man is worth it.
But it’s a personal choice.

He is doing you a favour by sticking to his guns. Look at how many disinterested Dad's there are on MN posts and that's often not in the same situation as yours. Much like no one should feel pressured into sex, no one should feel pressured into having a child - it's never going to end well, particularly not for the child.

Go your own way now and set yourself a time frame to go it alone on the child front if you don't find a suitable life partner in the meantime.

@MMmomDD has nailed it:

“You need to decide if a comfortable life with him is worth giving up having kids for.

Looking at life from a slightly more advance vantage point - I think no man is worth it.
But it’s a personal choice.”

I presume he is older than you.

Go and find someone closer your age and have children.
Please don't let this man decide whether you become a mom or not.

What if in years to come you don't have children and you both break up.
You didn't take these fundamental things into consideration when you first got together, so why not start to think about the future now.

Children are forever, many men are not.

I would leave. You don't need a man to have a baby, you can do it on your own if you choose.

34 ....

you need to leave..

He already has kids, he knows from experience how hard it can be, how expensive they can be, I wouldn't blame him for not wanting anymore. Stay with him until someone else turns your head 😉

It’s not just that you want different things, you are in completely different phases of life. His children are adults. It’s time for him to enjoy his freedom and maybe one day in the future enjoy his grandchildren.

If you want to stay together, one of you has to make a pretty big sacrifice. Yours is obvious with not having children, but having to repeat phase of life is also a big request.

Leave, you want kids and he doesn’t. Relationships don’t always last, never having kids to suit someone else can’t be overcome.

It’s a really awful situation for you but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong in what he’s said; there isn’t really a compromise when it comes to having children, just having one isn’t a compromise and he’ll know that well from his own experiences. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you and what you want but he can see that there isn’t a way to meet in the middle about it.
Only you can know how important it is to you to have children.

I don’t want to make any decisions right now so at the minute we have left it that we both know how each other feel but we carry on as normal. Underneath though I’m just so sad as I know it’s the beginning of the end for me. And I can’t help but feel he doesn’t love me / us enough. I know it might be a different life than he imagined but he would rather we give up everything we have than even consider the thought and he seemed to instantly make that decision which is what hurts. I don’t think I would ever be so instantly sure I would rather split up over anything I didn’t want to do/have.