Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

Why don’t you move out for a couple of weeks ? Give him time to think and feel what it’s like to lose you. So no contact etc. Give him time to think if he really is firm on his decision. I think it’s worth having space for you both to think separately at the very least. He likely won’t change his mind but it might make it feel more real when you’ve gone and help him weigh up things in his mind

I know I need to think about me now but it’s normal to try and go through things in your head. When it’s not your life or emotions involved it’s very easy to look at the situation factually. I appreciate everyone’s messages through and I am taking them all in.

it always seems to be the women more set on having kids & men aren’t always particularly “keen”. But I know / know of many couples who have gone on to have them where the man had to come round to the idea and now wouldn't have it any other way. Surely love and investment in a relationship contributed to that decision?

I’m sorry. But this just is not true. Most couples it’s a mutual decision. Yes in a minority of cases men aren’t that keen and come round, but not that keen is not anywhere near the same as don’t wish more. And yes love and investment did contribute, but it’s irrelevant becayse “not that keen” is not thr situation you’re in. He has children, he doesn’t wish more

Honestly you need to stop thinking if he loved you he’d have a child with you. That’s not how it works. For anyone. It’s not about you. It’s about the child.

Part of being a parent is being is about being selfless. Wishing a child a father doesn’t want is not ok. It’s not fair on the child. It’s very different if an accidental pregnancy occurs and one parent goes it alone. Because that’s a fait accompli.

His desire not to have further children is not about uou or his feelings for you. It is not something he should do for you. It is about the child. Something he recognises. So he’s doing the right thing. In not bringing an unwanted child into thr world.

I've been in the same situation. I left and he changed his mind pretty quickly. DS is now 3 and DH loves the bones of him and vice versa.

@Sadgirl21

I know I need to think about me now but it’s normal to try and go through things in your head. When it’s not your life or emotions involved it’s very easy to look at the situation factually. I appreciate everyone’s messages through and I am taking them all in.

the alternative is... you agree to not have kids...

do you the agree to be sterilised or does he commit to using protection forever ... the reason I ask is there would be an element of distrust after agreeing to not have a child ..

its all relevant 🌺

I truly feel for you OP... 🌺

Have you looked up the threads on mumsnet about 'do you regret having DC' there are lots and lots of people who say yes. I've got DC with SEN and there is NO WAY ON EARTH I would do it again.

So your partner may not just be 'not keen' but actively not wanting to repeat an experience they found difficult. For 18 years.

Also with respect, it's not about you. Or him. It's about a real child who will grow into an adult and all the trials and tribulations that brings. You are talking about the decision as if it's like buying a new car.

@DogsNosesAreCute I’m glad it worked out for you. How long did you leave for before he changed his mind? If I leave him though I’m not sure I could go back even if he changed his mind. For me to leave it would mean I had accepted it was over and final which is why I want to give it time for the dust to settle before I make any big decisions.

[quote Sadgirl21]@DogsNosesAreCute I’m glad it worked out for you. How long did you leave for before he changed his mind? If I leave him though I’m not sure I could go back even if he changed his mind. For me to leave it would mean I had accepted it was over and final which is why I want to give it time for the dust to settle before I make any big decisions.[/quote]
@Sadgirl21 thank you. It was a horrible time but being a mum wasn't something i was willing to compromise on so in my head it was quite clear cut, the emotional upset was there but my head knew i did the right thing.

It was about 2 1/2 months we split for although were in daily communication so i guess not your typical break up. We knew we wanted to be together but for that to happen someone had to change their mind and it wasn't going to be me.

I really hope you can come to a decision soon for your sake but remember you will meet someone else in time who will want the same things as you if your current partner doesn't x

@Sadgirl21

Op
Its obvious you are not compatible on this very major issue.

He is being honest with you just like you are with him.

Yes you make feel he is being extremly selfish on this huge stumbling block.

My advice is you have to decide if this a definite deal breaker for your op

I know its tough cause in other aspects of the relantship you may be/or are on the same/similar pages compatible wise.

Rember in life its the things we wished we had done/said that we regret on our deathbeds op.

You only have one life as far as I am aware of op.

What is emotion gut instincts telling op?

I think you already know the answer .

And if you stay in this relantship you will start to feel resentment at compromising your natural instinct to become a good enough mother with a partner/husband who aporeciates you.

Oh OP I really feel for you. This would be a deal breaker for me but of course you have to make your own decision.

Is it weird that we have gone to being extra nice to each other now? He’s never been so loving....

@category12

Having one child when you don't want more children is not a "compromise" . And it would not really be fair on the child to have a parent who didn't really want them.

You still have time in your fertility window, and at least your dp has been honest and not kept you on the hook with "maybe"s.

I'd recommend you leave and look for someone who wants dc (or more dc). Blokes and relationships come and go, children are life.

This. And consider a fertility MOT or similar.

He doesn't owe you children.

@Sadgirl21

Is it weird that we have gone to being extra nice to each other now? He’s never been so loving....

That's "hysterical bonding" really - your relationship has been shaken to the core, so you cling together for comfort.

It doesn't mean anything is resolved or can be, tho.

Normally I'm off the opinion that I would always choose a real person who existed and I loved and who loved me over a hypothetical non existent being.

But the way he has said things...I wonder if he just sees you as 'mrs right now'. And I think it's really selfish of him that if his view was so fixed on not wanting kids, he didnt tell you this early on. Because he has obviously known from the offset.

I dont want children and I make it clear with men early on in dating. Even if its just in a joke way.

Why has it taken him this long to say anything?
It's not on.

Is it weird that we have gone to being extra nice to each other now?
He’s never been so loving....

He's hoping the niceness and being so loving will convince you to stay and compensate for you not having a baby. That you'll think he is enough.

It's not hysterical bonding. That's something else altogether.

He has kids and doesn't want anymore. He probably doesn't want to be an old dad, with such a massive age gap between his DC....the responsibility...the expense and more. My friend's FIL married a younger wife and his son said it was embarrassing having a child who was the same age as his dad...the dad didn't want it either, but he foolishly left birth control to his wife who made it clear she wanted more kids.

Even having a dog is something couples don't agree on and that's nothing compared to a human being.

At 34, you don't have infinite time to sit around if you want dc.

I agree

#He's been clear and honest that he doesn't want to have more children.

Yes. Crystal clear.

If having children is important to you, you need to get out of the relationship and start looking for someone who is on the same page.

Absolutely. As you'll just be resentful when you see him with grandchildren and it's too late for you to leave.

@Sadgirl21

Is it weird that we have gone to being extra nice to each other now? He’s never been so loving....

Hysterical bonding to an extent I think.

He's been 100% clear he doesn't want children.

You are 100% clear that you do.

Whatever the reasons for each of your stance on children, they are totally incompatible.

This can't work my love, I know that sucks but breaking up doesn't suck as much as potentially missing out on having children because you hope a man will change your mind.

It's not about how much you love someone with things like this. You can love everything about someone but want children more than that. It's one of the only things there is absolutely no way of compromising on. That you said one would be a compromise shows you're desperate to try and find a way of making the relationship sound viable long term because you must know really that 'just' one child isn't a compromise for someone who doesn't want children. It's like him saying can't you 'just' have none instead of one.

I'm so sorry as you clearly love him very much but it's better to potentially regret breaking up with a boyfriend than regret not having the chance to have children.

@Wanderlusto that’s how I feel, if he felt so strongly about this and has been adamant since his last child which was years ago that he was done why wasn’t this made clear it would never be an option before we moved in together? I did try and talk about it at the start but it was brushed under the carpet and I didn’t push it because I didn’t know how I really felt. I don’t think it’s a case of I’m Mrs right now, he does want to build a life together it’s just he wants that life to mostly fit his needs. I have found it hard in our relationship on a few things to make him see that a relationship isn’t just about him. If something comes up that doesn’t fit in with what he wants his first instinct is to say no and dig his heels in. Then eventually he softens and considers the whole picture rather than just what he wants. I’m not in anyway saying he will change his mind on this topic and I’m really not expecting him to. I’m just explaining what he is like sometimes when is comes to different issues. But other than that 90% of the time we are great, all his friends say how much he loves me and he’s always talking about me. He includes me with his family and always want to be with me. He just has difficulty talking about issues. And since we had this conversation he has extra nice to me.

You are staying hoping he will change his mind, he won't. He's been there, done that, his kids are adults now so he knows exactly what he would be getting into if he had a baby and clearly he doesn't want that.

I'm sure any life changing decisions you have made for him are reversible such as moving location etc. A baby is not reversible, and they are bloody hard work and you cannot have one with someone who isn't fully on board, your relationship would end anyway and you would end up being a single mother. Neither of you are right or wrong and it's not to do with how much you love each other, it's just one of those rare issues where sadly there is no compromise.

Let him go OP, otherwise you will end up resenting him for not making you a mother and that would be wrong. He is not responsible for your hopes and dreams, only you can fulfil those.

I can fully I understand why he doesn't want more kids after bringing up his own. My children are now grown up or nearly so and I would not want to start again (not that it is possible now). We had two and years ago I yearned for 3 but it wasn't practical and now I'm glad I don't have to wait for a 3rd child to grow up. It's not that I dont love them dearly or regret anything, it's just that it feels like that phase is over and life will be soon moving on.

You mention your partner's previous gf had two children. Maybe he thought he could handle it then. Maybe he didn't see it as a long term relationship. Maybe the children were a factor in the relationship ending?

It doesn't reflect on his feelings for you necessarily that he doesn't want a child with you, though it might. Perhaps he doesn't see you as a long term commitment? Having his own child with you would commit him to 18 plus years with that child, so it's a different scenario to the ex gf.

Or perhaps he is committed to you but has come to the conclusion more recently that more children are just not what he wants and he had been hoping you didn't either.

If you really want a child, you do have time to meet a new partner and make it happen, so that is a positive in an otherwise difficult situation.

Unfortunately the decision lies entirely with you and can't be made as a couple, though I appreciate you don't want to rush to leave. Take the time to acclimatise to it in your head and check how you might feel about never having a child. But don't hang around hoping for a change of heart on his part.

It's very difficult for you but this man is right to stick to his guns, if one person wants a child and the other doesn't there is no mutually acceptable compromise
the child deserves to be 100-percent wanted by both of its parents/caregivers, it would be wrong to have a child knowing that one parent does not want that child.

I know we want different things though. I honestly hear what you are all saying and I know I need to think of myself. However he’s had a lot to deal with in his life and a few years back he wasn’t in a great place. A lot of his friends have said since meeting me he’s managed to turn things around and that I have played a big part in that. So although it won’t make me stay that’s another reason I’m staying for now. I know I’m not responsible for him but I love him and care about him so much so I need to make sure if I leave it’s done in the best way possible.

Oh god, the friends who think you've turned him around and you feel responsible for him, and you're the one who sacrifices things and has to fight to be seen and treated as of equal importance in the relationship...

I think you've picked a lemon here. I think you might have a low bar.

What does him being "extra nice" to you actually look like?

If you want children then leave as he wont change his mind

There is still time for you to meet someone else. If he is not prepared to compromise, then you may find he won’t compromise on other things either, it will always be his way

Yes it’s hard, but not as hard as living with growing resentment and leaving it to late to do anything

@category12

Oh god, the friends who think you've turned him around and you feel responsible for him, and you're the one who sacrifices things and has to fight to be seen and treated as of equal importance in the relationship...

I think you've picked a lemon here. I think you might have a low bar.

What does him being "extra nice" to you actually look like?

Sorry OP but I increasingly think this is the case.

I'm the same age as you and when I met my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago I made it clear from the outset that I'm not going to go into a relationship if someone doesn't want children, because it's non negotiable for me. That may mean if I don't fall naturally that I adopt (I'm adopted myself) but I absolutely want to be a parent.

I made it clear that while I wasn't saying I wanted to rush that, it would be unfair to have a long term relationship with me knowing he didn't want kids so honesty about that was very important to me. Happily he did (and does) want children so I feel less time pressure at 34 than I would do otherwise as there are various options available when it comes to parenthood and I know he is open to them all.

You can have that too with someone, but not with this man. This big a difference breeds resentment on both sides and that will ruin your relationship if you stay together and don't have kids, and be incredibly unfair on a child if you stay together and do have one.

Now Pandora's box is open you can't shove this conversation back in and ignore it. There's not really any coming back from it and the longer you keep seeing him, the further away you are from what you actually want