Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

Has he been clear from the start he doesn’t want more kids, or is this news to you?
Anyway, at the end of the day, it’s right for him to be clear he doesn’t want kids. I have a complete family, and there is nothing that would persuade me to have another child. I know I am done with the ones I have. He is allowed to know his mind on this. The other important factor here is the potential child. He should never agree to have another child just to please you, it’s not about you, it’s about the child. You shouldn’t be trying to push someone into having a child they don’t want. That’s not fair or right.
At the end of the day, if your wishes here don’t match your partners, the only one who should perhaps consider compromise is you....having no child to stay with the man you love might work, but you can’t push someone to have child they don’t want, it’s wouldn’t even be ok with a dog.
The urge to be a mother can be stronger than anything. You need to work out what you want the most, but also allow your partner to have his choices here. It’s not selfish of him, it would perhaps be more selfish of him to have a child he doesn’t want in a relationship just to keep his partner.

Honestly yes I would leave and did leave when I was 36 with a joint house and a dog. It was scary and depressing and obviously I didn't know if I would meet someone and have children - but I knew I wouldn't if I stayed.
You may love him now but you won't when you are 44 with no children if you want them.

But he did have responsibilities for those young kids, they lived with him full time and he would look after them when his ex was at work, and ok they have split up now but he didn’t know that when they moved in. I could live a life without kids but I also know it’s different not having kids because you don’t meet someone than someone you love saying no I won’t give you one. I’m not going to mention it again or force him to change his mind, but i also don’t want to split up after one conversation. I think I know I need to leave but I’m not ready to do that just yet.

At 34?

I'd be seriously considering my options. Because thankfully at 34 you still have options for kids. I didn't even have my first until 39!

Op I had my last dc at 43.
My youngest was 6 when I met dh. I wanted our relationship to experience parenthood together so we had our ds.. Dh hadn't really considered himself ever being a df (rubbish dps himself).
Do you think your dh has misled you? If you want dc I think resentment will end your relationship anyway. Time to put your wants first. Dh has the whole bag already. He doesn't get to guilt you to stay..

Horrible decision for you between him or children with a different man you haven’t met yet. Try to accept what he has said and take your time to decide what you really want from the options. Personally I would leave.

@Kottontail I’m pleased you got your happy ever after. X

@mcmooberry did you go on to meet someone else?

I tried to talk to him about this at the start but it was always brushed under the carpet. I would never force him to do anything and I know the next step is mine to take.

I also know it’s different not having kids because you don’t meet someone than someone you love saying no I won’t give you one

Op, your phrasing is very unusual. No one gives you a baby. Just like no child is a compromise. It feels like you’re focused on getting a baby, ans not actually focusing on what’s involved in having and raising a child.

@Sadgirl21

He is perfectly within his rights to not want another child. And nobody has the right to force him otherwise.

On the flip side, if you want a child you should have one.

It seems that resentment and anger has already set in for you and you should rethink your relationship.

@UnwantedOpinionBelow

I'm sorry but he is entitled to decide that he does not want anymore children, he shouldn't sacrifice that for you. Bringing a child into the world is a big thing. If you want children, your partner clearly cannot give that to you. Either accept that or move on.

This. It's not that he 'doesn't care what you want', he just doesn't want kids, and you should only have kids together if both partners agree, it's a huge commitment and responsibility.

He's doing the right thing for himself, you, and any future children by being honest and sticking to his guns on this. He's done it before, so it's not like he's just saying no from fear of the unknown - and he may well be thinking of his existing children, it might be a major hit to their relationship.

It's also completely fair if you do want kids and therefore want to separate and either have them alone, or try to find someone else who wants to have them with you. There's no perfect happy ending here, it sounds like you are young enough to be able to make your choice, though.

A child isn’t something someone ‘gives’ you, that’s a weird way to think about it. It’s something that has to be wanted wholeheartedly by both parties in a relationship. If someone doesn’t want kids, no amount of love for their partner is going to change that.

At 34, you don't have infinite time to sit around if you want dc.

He's been clear and honest that he doesn't want to have more children.

If having children is important to you, you need to get out of the relationship and start looking for someone who is on the same page.

I would leave if it was me. If you truly want children and he will not budge then you aren’t compatible. At 34 you don’t want to waste any more time with the wrong person, you still have time to meet someone new and have a family. If he truly loved you, he would at least he willing to discuss it properly. Don’t miss out on having children if you want them. You can meet someone new at any age but there is a time limit if you want kids naturally.

He’s perfectly within his rights to say he doesn’t want anymore kids and that it’s a red line for him. Having kids completely changes every aspect of your life so it’s not just a case of ‘well we’ll just have one.’ If having kids will be a red line for you then you need to go and find a man who wants kids as well, or just do it alone, sperm isn’t exactly hard to come by.

FWIW I would have the same red line as your DP. I’ve had a child, done child birth etc and I don’t want any more children. If a girlfriend desperately wanted kids then I would be out.

I'm afraid having kids, or not, isn't something you can compromise on. You can't compromise on 1.

At least he's being honest and up front with you and not stringing you along.

If you want kids you need to leave, you can always go it alone if you don't feel ready for another relationship.

Does he know you are serious about the fact you would leave? How old are you both ?

I'm so sorry op I think you need to move on.

I wouldn't sacrifice your opportunity to have children to be with a man.

You have no guarantees that the relationship will last a lifetime. You could spend your fertile years with him and then he could leave you, or die, or the relationship otherwise fail.

You have a limited time window for children but you have your entire lifetime for relationships.

I am childfree so admit find your attitude frustrating OP

You can't compromise on having a child. Not wanting more means just that - not procreating again.

That doesn't mean you wouldn't consider being with someone who has their own children & it doesn't mean you wouldn't actively engage with a partner's child - but they are still not your children. He had no parental responsibility, he did not seek to adopt these children. He just accepted them as part of a package deal within that previous relationship.

It's being so blinkered to assume because he was kind to his ex-partner's children & helped her with that that he should give you a biological child.

To say he doesn't love you enough to give you a child - when people decide they don't want more/any children they want to preserve their life as it is - their world is enough for them & they don't feel a need to create new life as some "symbol" of love. We all know having children is like setting a bomb off in relationships & many relationships don't survive the stress that having children can bring.

So he is actually saying he loves you for you not what imaginary child you could provide & he is content with life together as it is.

Being childfree isn't about not loving someone enough - it means you don't want the responsibility or burden of more children personally. It doesn't mean you don't enjoy other people's children.

This relationship is over - on the childfree boards we see this same story play out all the time. You got together both hoping the other's opinion would change & it was too early to have those lifetime commitment discussions. But you've reached a point where you have decided you definitely DO want kids & he has decided he doesn't.

Nobody is wrong, it's just an irreconcilable difference in how you view your lives & futures.

It's hard but you need to prepare to leave now - he sounds like he has been a stand up person & not trying to string you along or waste your fertile years. He is being upfront, so it's time to say your goodbyes & look forward to the future with someone who also wants to start a family one day.

I love my dh immensely, he's my soul mate and I'd be distraught without him. But if he said to me he wanted children, and it was either a relationship with kids or no relationship I'd choose to leave the relationship. It's not because I don't love him enough. I've got dc and I don't want anymore. I'm not at that stage in my life anymore.

It's like jumping in a swimming pool, you're either wet or not, you can't be slightly wet, it's either all or nothing. Having kids is like that. You either have dc or you don't, you can't compromise on 1 child.

@harknesswitch

I love my dh immensely, he's my soul mate and I'd be distraught without him. But if he said to me he wanted children, and it was either a relationship with kids or no relationship I'd choose to leave the relationship. It's not because I don't love him enough. I've got dc and I don't want anymore. I'm not at that stage in my life anymore.

It's like jumping in a swimming pool, you're either wet or not, you can't be slightly wet, it's either all or nothing. Having kids is like that. You either have dc or you don't, you can't compromise on 1 child.

Me too. I think the only reason I'd leave mine is if he didn't want any. Very early on I made sure he definitely did!

If you have that drive it surpasses anything else.

I would leave. You could have a happy life with a different man who would love to have children with you.

Whatever you do, do not hang around hoping he will change his mind. I have two friends who did this. One of them, her partner eventually left her for a younger woman when she was in her early 40s. He then went on to have children with this other woman. My friend was devastated and has never had children as it was just too late by that point. The other friend - he did change his mind after she threatened to leave several times and they have a child, but he's been a disengaged, resentful father and to be honest she might as well be a single mother (I think she'd be happier as he contributes so little to family life).

If you stay you must be reconciled to never having children. If the relationship doesn't work out long-term and he went on to have a relationship and children with someone else how would you feel though? These are the sorts of scenarios to think through I think.

He doesn't sound that bothered if you walked away. That's the bit that's worrying me.

You are giving up your chance to hold your own baby to someone that doesn't seem that invested in you.

I'd be looking for a life partner with similar plans to me. You'll resent him if you stay and it will only grow as you age. You'll get to nearly 40 and regret missing your chance.

Gently start making other plans. The first stage is acceptance that you are going to be making a change.

I would give 3-6 months to see if you can come to terms with the situation. If not, then yes I'd be leaving. In the meantime I'd be looking at the practicalities of leaving and the possibility of going it alone.